In our last update, Elvis returned to Snackwurst after a brief hiatus in space.  Burned, bruised, and still disoriented from passing through a wormhole and then streaking through Earth's atmosphere, Elvis joined Jason in the continuing search for Simian after they were both sucked into a wormhole in Jason's spacecraft.

We're happy to announce since that update that Simian has now returned to Snackwurst, however the story of how it happened is certainly stranger than fiction:

Shortly after Elvis' return, Simian found herself floating with no means of communicating with her friends though she could see the International Space Station off in the distance.  Suddenly she spots a passing space vehicle approaching from Earth.  Using her incredible ability for prolonged belching to propel herself through space, she intercepts the vehicle and locks onto it.  Once attached, Simian rewires the vehicle's communications module and aims the dish antenna toward the distant International Space Station where she contacts the crew and asks for help.  After confirming that they will allow her onto the station, Simian pushes hard off of the space vehicle toward the space station using occasional belches to keep her on course.

The English probe Beagle that Simian had intercepted, continued on its way toward Mars where it landed and was never heard from again because of her radio modifications. Simian was grabbed by the robotic arm on the ISS and taken on board.  While there Simian won several hundred rubles in drinking games with the Russian Cosmonaut on board.  She also peed in several of the instruments on board while in her vodka induced stupor.

Eventually, Simian was smuggled aboard a supply craft that docked with the ISS and returned to earth with it.  After several days of hitchhiking with truckers, Simian made it back to Snackwurst where she burst through the door and demanded to know where her paycheck was so she could "go get drunk".  Since that time, things have returned mostly to normal at Wackyadvice.  Simian has been passed out 14 hours each day, Elvis continues to re-grow the hair that was burned off during his unplanned reentry to earth, and Jason remains pissed off at the seething worm hole in the living room area of his space ship that he's unable to close or move.

Well, now that America has taken over Iraq, what next?
Boo Radley
Shut up & start drilling! We're not paying you for your political side-cracks!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If this is not my beautiful house then who's is it?
Franky Stones
That nice old couple that you just buried under the porch? That's just a guess on my part.
- Simian -
 

Where did the little drummer boy get his drum? It's not like drums grow on trees in the desert.
Charlie
He made it from the flesh of all the innocent people he killed.
- Jason -

Quick hand me a wrench will you? Fizzzz And as the King of Lego Village is bashed into a flat piece of plastic, fizzzz becomes the new ruler of the kingdom & renames it "Flat Plastic Anger Management Town" - population one. - Elvis Shortliver -

An Elvis Haiku  Rhymes with skydiver  Sticky string cheese in my hair!  No more hot pokers

I am Trogdor! Trogdor strikes again!
TROGDOR
Wow Trogdor, I'm impressed. Yeah, you came barging in here screaming "I AM TROGDOR!  TROGDOR STRIKES AGAIN!" and didn't even knock over a single tea cup.  Next week we'll work on how to follow up with threatening dialogue.  The topic will be:  "After the screaming: destroying stuff".  Call me to schedule an appointment.
- Jason -
 

Why did Brandon steal my girlfriend?
Greg
Brandon WAS your girlfriend, but he's finally fixed that.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is this swelling in my brain a figment of my imaginatinon, or perhaps is it part of something bigger? And if I so wished, could I combine with some of my friends to form a giant fighting robot? would I get to be an arm? I sure hope so.... I do enjoy holding things.
Boo Radley
I enjoy Wild Turkey, Sambuca and Absolute mixed together but you don't see me cutting off my arms do you? What the hell are you babbling about? I really don't know. But what I do know is that there isn't enough booze in the world that will wash away that image of OzzyPedro in cellophane swimwear. Can you feel my pain? I can make you, you know.
- Simian -
 

Why do I get email spam? Are you guys responsible?
Stop In The Name Of Love
No, Spam is a trademarked name, and we aren't licensed to use that.  We send email gristle.
- Jason -
 

You think you're pretty funny don't you, you American wussy pants capitalistic imperialist dogs? No one likes a smarty pants!
Mohammad
Sorry Mohammad, Allah is not here to take your call right now. Leave a message after the tone if you would like to speak to one of our christian deities, or you can just hang up & try your call again.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

Let me tell you about the dream I had last nite. I'm walking down the street in a pair of yellow boxer shorts with duct tape on my nibbles. I ask a cop who looks like Cory Feldman in drag for directions to Bill Gates house. He gives me a soda and pats me on the head. I continue to walk for what seems like miles until i see a clearing where bunnies and puppies are playing happily with each other. Suddenly I explode like a giant nuke and kill all the cute animals. I feel really bad. My question is why would I want to go to Bill Gates house? Charlie Actually I’m more interested in how you planned to get the duct tape off. - Simian -

A Simian Haiku  Cute monkey goodness  Bourbon flowing in my veins!  Clean gun collection

Elvis sure likes burning pants. Is there some hidden meaning?
Charlie
Yes.  A severe flatulence problem coupled with a pyromaniacal disorder.
- Jason -
 

See below....
What Sort Of Site Is This?
We're the sort of site that leaves you wondering what the heck you're still doing reading us, AND at the same time reinforcing with  your parents that you need to be supervised while you are logged on to the internet. Pretty kewl, eh?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I took your advice, and it didn't work. Can I get a refund?
Emd
Hey have I mentioned that I’m heavily medicated and I’ve just finished a gallon of Jim Beam and Tang? I’m heavily medicated and I’ve just finished a gallon of Jim Beam and Tang! You want what now?
- Simian -
 

What ever happened to Kit the talking car? And the Love Bug, number 51? Isnt the Batmobile a Chrysler? What did Mr. Rodgers drive? An earth friendly car? Or a big Hummer. Did he pump his own gas? Did Chitty Chitty Bang Bang eat marshmellows? What happened to the car in "Back to the Future"?. I look on EBay all the time for those cars to go up on auction.
Noe Hassel Hoff ESQ.
Kit and Herbie the Love Bug were sold for scrap.  The buyer then took parts of them and joined them back together to create Kit the indestructible Stud Bug.  According to my sources, Mr. Rogers drove a 1974 avocado green AMC Gremlin.  It wasn't particularly fashionable, but it did i's job and served as a great conversation piece at parties.  The original Batmobile was built by Chrysler, but after the first movie and 32 breakdowns, the producers contracted with Toyota to build a new one.  That one was used in the later movies and was eventually sold.  I have heard it currently has over 225,000 miles on it and is being driven by a 72 year old grandmother in Utah named Velma Hayes.  She only drives it to the grocery on wednesdays.
- Jason -
 

See, there's this girl, who I like and I think she likes me, but I dont know if she 'like' likes me and I dont know how to ask her. I was thinking about asking her on a date but I'm scared and she has a restraining order and I dont know what to do. CAN YOU HELP ME?
Dr. Me
Is That YOU, Honey??
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Did you guys just randomly choose people's questions? I only ask because I notice none of my questions were represented, and I'm sure that is just an innocent little mishap. When are you guys gonna do a 'Salute to Tahmeekah Lahsheekah' edition? I know it's in the works, but I would like to know an exact date so I can show all my home slices at the retirement home how much you guys love me. I remembered to take my medication today, so that's why I'm coherent. I bet the monkey can't say that.
Tahmeekah Lahsheekah
Well, well, well, look who has their Depends on a little too tight today. I tell you what, Granny, we’ll do a tribute to you after we do our special on The Career of Burt Ward and I finish up my own personal homage to Johnny Walker.
- Simian -
 

Well... now that I'm much more cheerful, I think I should change my name. ^_^ What do you think it should be? Mistress of Darkness Mistress of Topless? - Jason -

A Jason Haiku  Green glowing Jason  Irradiate loved ones!  Happy to drink beer

Are you guys really just a bunch of 50 year old fat assed stalker people who have nothing better to do with your time?
Hmmjawhat
You should be so lucky.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I'm starting a betting pool. With Bush as president, how many more months do you think the world will be around? Wait a second.... maybe the apocolypse isn't the best idea for a betting pool......
Boo Radley
But Boo, imagine all the fun we’ll have growing extra limbs and watching our skin fall off, after most of the planet has been turned into a burning pool of molten nuclear waste! The only things that will survive untouched are cockroaches, Twinkies and Cher. Now that’s something to look forward to.
- Simian -
 
 

Who's touching me! -Bobo, of Looneyland Fame Oh, sorry <ziiiiiiiip> - Jason -   Well, did it work? Am I invisable? Robwerto Damn, my experiment to trick Robwerto into thinking he was dead failed! - Elvis Shortliver -

A Mr. Lardlumps Haiku  Stinky old man pants  Get out of my rose bushes!  Grizzled crusty goat

THE IRAQUIS ARE COMING!!!!!!!!!! AND THE EVIL DUCKS HAVE JOINED THEIR FORCES, DAMN THE MAN, SAVE THE EMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!
SPARKY(AND JET)
I possess you, Keebler Elf! Now vacate your midwestern cookie sweetshop and end this pathetic deception. I know you're hiding Dom DeLuise and frankly, you can keep him.
- Simian -
 

Jason! Finally, its just the two of us...you know, Elvis and Simian were just getting in the way from us having a really, really, good time. *pulls down zipper on jacket* So what do you say, Jayson?
-Carnutz
~~> CLICK TO LISTEN <~~
- Jason -
 

When are you releasing the Home Game version of "Porfessional Advice!"?
Wild Bill
Actually, you ARE playing the home game version RIGHT NOW, Wild Bill! We are releasing the WORK game version next year, which basically includes a bow tie, a pencil, and a deck of cards with derogatory remarks from your supervisor, which you read aloud to your opponents. It's alot of fun, you good fer nuthin' lozer! Heh heh.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

I wonder what this little typey box is for. Ooohhh pretty button I wonder what it does... Doy Oh magical bottle of blessed Wild Turkey, take me to the land where Doy lives – with his shiny buttons and fresh lobotomies. I too want to become a babbling, drunken cousin in the Bush family. At least they live longer than those Kennedy people. - Simian -

A Snackwurst Haiku  Eat meat Popsicles!  Liver and turnip snack cakes  Give us your money!

What the hell is wrong with you?
Anonymous
A better question would be what the hell ISN'T wrong with me.
- Jason -
 

Should I go after the Koreans and finally kill them all, or should I colonize Australia, thus sandwiching the Cambodians AND the Indonesians?
Mr. Chips
Once I ate a Cambodian sandwich. It was very dry, and my stomach expanded 12 inches in circumference.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is it Wacky Advice or Wackyadvice?
Flagg
Here kitty, kitty, kitty.
- Simian -
 

Hey this is exciteing...it's like where in the world is Carman Sandiago......ok, I think I saw Elvis and Simian at the Eifel Tower being assulted by mimes...or maybe they were doing the assaulting..
-Robwerto
No no no, that was a vacation photo, and it WAS Elvis and Simian doing the assaulting.  In fact they threw one mime off the top of the Eiffel Tower.  It was horrible.  He was completely silent all the way down.  He didn't even thud when he hit the ground.
- Jason -
 

Did someone order a flakey batch of love? Tee hee.
Poppin Fresh
Poppin' Fresh, how many times do we have to tell you, GO HOME! You KNOW you're just asking for trouble! If Pillsbury sees you comin' 'round here again they won't just make us close down the site, you know! Yes, we're talking about the striped uniforms again! Do you really want that? Now it's time to put the past behind you & move on. I don't even want to think about what would happen if Simian showed up! Uh, oh.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Dear Floating Heads, One train is going south at 170mph, the second train is going north at 145mph. An old lady with a green flowery kind of babushka is walking from the back of the second train toward the front at 1.5mph. She drops her bowling ball and it rolls towards the back of the train at 4.7mph, it whacks into a rather hairy midget who's holding an aardvark, he starts hopping around back and forth at 2.3mph the aardvark jumps out of his hands and bites a small albino in the left knee who jumps out the window decelerating at a rate of 25 feet per second per second... The questions is... where can I get an aardvark?
Bud
Have you looked in your pants?
- Simian -
 

Are you guys back? Or are you just getting me and Tori Amos's hopes up again? I missed you guys :(
Lucy
We missed all you guys too.  That's kind of why we decided to fight against all the odds and win the lawsuit even if it meant our legal representation was a drunken marmoset.  We would have probably settled the suit sooner, but the monkey puked on the judge's bench, and then Elvis started laughing so hard he peed his pants, and I spontaneously emitted large doses of radiation and killed everyone in the first three rows.
- Jason -
 

Should I move all the way to Michigan from Texas just for a job?
Spike
You know, back in OUR time we'd be grounded for talking like this!  WE went out & found lame jobs that we hated and paid us just enough to keep us from moving out of our parent's house. Our bosses were typically authoritarian who thought we got paid to take his crap & had no real clue what we were really suppsed to do, which allowed us to do practically nothing except secretly run our own lame web site. What's wrong with you? Get a job! Sheesh!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Would you like to try some Australian neapolitan ice-cream? The 3 flavours are Dingo Liver, Witchety Grub, and Vegemite. There's never any Dingo Liver left when I get to the freezer.
OzzyPedro
Mmmmmm mmmmm!! Nothing says, “Australia hates the rest of the world” like Vegemite. Oh, except for maybe the so-called career of Yahoo Serious. I’ll try some dingo liver but only if you promise not to let Paul Hogan back into the country.
- Simian -
 

Who's cooler: Shaft, Mr. T, or the Blues Brothers? Anonymous The Blues Brothers giving Mr. T the shaft. - Jason -

Hey! It's Big Tad!

I bet you this MacDonald's Big Mac (I'll throw in the fries too) that its still illegal to have 6 year olds work for you. And I dont think you can have Simian work for you cause you need a license to have tropical animal or something and are Elvis and Jason even legal citizens? Or are you guys in Canada where you dont need no stinking papers?
Paco
Hey guys, the webpage is talking back to us again! Get the shoe!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why do the lawn gnomes have chain saw hands? Can I tape explosives to their head and let er rip? Or is that an un-ethical thing to do.... I say screw ethics. It's gypped me all my freekin' life.
Dr. Me
Word of advice: never burn your abridges. Thank you.
- Simian -
 

Have you ever had a rash like THIS???
Anonymous
OH MY GOD!!!  THAT'S THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!  Oh, wait, it's supposed to look like that?  Then where's the rash?  MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!  <THUD>
- Jason -
 

I was reading though the archives, and I came across something very disturbing.  Both Simian and Elvis both mention kicking midgets in the groin.  "Dwarves", or "little people" do not like the term midgets.  In fact, they take it as derogitory.  Therefore, you should refrain from using that term and cut all references out of this site.  If you fail to do so, I will sue.  Thank you and have a nice day.
DR. IMA MIDGE ETTOO
*kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* You Ain't Suin' US!! *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* (6 hours later) *drag* *drag* *drag* *drag* *drag* *drag* *drag* *DUMP*
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Where's the love?
Anonymous
I'd like to take this opportunity to speak incoherently. Everybody loves a Zamboni!
- Simian -
 

It's Thanksgiving. Who's going to carve the turkey? Do you let the monkey hold sharp knives?
Danny
Knives?  Who uses a knife to carve a turkey?  Here at Wackyadvice, we use a chainsaw.  Every year, I don the traditional turkey carving hockey mask and fire up "the saw".  Simian and Elvis handle the deep frying--well, Elvis does anyway, Simian usually passes out midway through.  One year she peed in the stuffing mix...
- Jason -
 

101 1010100001 1111001010111 1011 100101010 0010101010 01010101 01001010 0100101010 010101010110101?
- q0dr
Liberace? Thanks, Ouija!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What's up with some of your visitors? Are they like all from the same high school or something? You need a broader audience. Old people can be pretty funny you know.
Paco
If you're like me - and I know I am – you’re going to start wondering just how much funnier Gillian’s Island would have been if Peter Graves had been cast as Mary Ann.
- Simian -
 

You are all imbeciles.
Anonymous
You forgot to call us "Big fat doody heads" and "Cootie monsters" as well.  I mean, if you're going to trash us, at least put forth a little effort.  None of this half-ass non-specific single sentence junk, get creative.  Oh, and by the way, "you are all imbeciles" isn't really a question but I commend you for the fact that your sentence is grammatically correct, and your punctuation is accurate (though you did forget to capitalize so I had to deduct a point).
- Jason -
 

Has Russia REALLY gone democracy or are they just hiding the fact that they are still communist?
Anonymous
Hahaha! The visitor thinks there's a difference between Communism & Democracy! Hahaha!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why do baboons have red butts? And if we evolved from monkeys, then why don't we have red butts?
Anonymous
Wait a minute - just who are you calling evolved? Look dude, it’s too bad about your red hinder, but I don’t think monkeys had anything to do with it.
- Simian -
 

Did you know that deep down, my feelings really get hurt when my questions don't get answered?  I need help here, and you guys just aren't delivering.  I THOUGHT I COULD COUNT ON YOU!
Lady Sasami
Well, you can count up to 10 on me. . .oh wait, actually. . .11.
- Jason -
 

I've fallen and I can't get up! Where's the beef? Have it your way! Plop-plop-fizz-fizz, oh, what a relief it is. Where would you like to go today?
- q0dr
You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why is it that every time I open my mouth, I end up insulting myself in some way?  I must be stupid!
Guido
You need a mentor. You know, someone who can teach you how to truly get to know people... from across the street... through a telescope. Uh, ask Flagg.
- Simian -
 

So exactly how much longer do you think that Mark guy is going to take the constant ribbing from his mom?  Every time she says to him "What's this look like, a Holiday Inn?" I can tell it eats away at him more and more. Tell you what -- that Mark guy is gonna go postal on his parents and on Gramma, then we'll see some ratings!
Wild Bill
Any day, I expect to see them running a commercial where Mark laughing hysterically stuffing his family into a chipper/shredder.  Finally, he stops, looks at the camera, and says "What does this look like?  You can bet your sweet ass it ain't no Holiday Inn!!!"
- Jason -
 

How can I be more ugly?
Anonymous
You know, I just don't know.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

You've never answered any of my questions, but you've answered Guidos plenty of times. If I can beat Birdbox in a blinking contest, can I eat him?
Bobo, of Looneyland Fame
Well good luck with the blinking contest there, Bobo. Because unless you can out-stare a decaying corpse, you’re not going to win over our affections. Maybe you should consider sending us lots of money instead.
- Simian -
 

An alien, a monkey and a guy with an afro walk into a bar... oh wait, maybe you've heard it.
Wild Bill
Yeah, I know, I know the monkey gets tangled in the afro, and the alien freaks out because of the incessant marmoset screeches, overheats and sets fire to the bar killing everyone inside.  Very funny.
- Jason -
 

What would I need to make my own cult?
Mr Chips
Three regular visitors who never let you forget that they are waiting for you to speak.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What?
FLAGG
The word most commonly used by FLAGG each and every time he wakes his accident-prone hinder up in the ICU.
- Simian -
 

Do you know where my cat is?
Whinny Hopalong
Urp.  No. . .
- Jason -
 

I have a dream. A dream I can walk again. But I cant walk. Seven years ago my Unkle Enriqe had a dog, it was a pit bull named Teeko. He didn't like me. He bit me bad. After he bit me my Mom had him go to sleep at the doctors office. She said it was ok. The dog was not used to kids. Then she said that God will help me find a way, a way in life. And that I shouldent be angry. But I am angry, all my freinds go out at night to hang out and I am alone. I hate my wheel chair, I hate being inside, I hate God. Thank you Elvis, Jason and Simian for making me laugh.  Love, Shawntay
Shawntay  Dubois
Don't worry, Shawntay, God hates you too.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What do I have to do to become Handi-capable?
Hempy
Keep coming to this site.
- Simian -
 

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Whinny Hopalong
Oh, sorry.  <Ziiiiip>
- Jason -