Hot Pokers Anonymous

Hot Pokers Anonymous is a collection of people who are currently struggling, in greater and lesser degrees, with the desire to use hot pokers to cause harm to other people. These victims are sometimes family members, neighbors, clergymen, authority figures, and celebrities. Some of our members have even turned the poker on themselves. We found out that many people suffered from the same feelings of anger and rage and unpopularity that we did. We found out that we had these feelings because of OTHER crazy people in this world. We decided to try and face up to what the crazy people had done to us. Here are some of the questions we tried to answer honestly. If we answered YES to four or more questions, we were on the verge of committing another hot poker incident. See how you do. Remember, there is no disgrace in facing up to the fact that you have a hot poker.

GREETINGS, Anonymous member number [an error occurred while processing this directive]!

Part 1 - The Disease:

Answer YES or NO to the following questions:

Have you ever decided to warm up a hot poker, then forgotten it was still on the fire and burnt down a major portion of your house?

(Most of us in H.P.A. made all kinds of promises to ourselves and to our families. We could not keep them. Then we came to H.P.A. They said: "250 degrees for 3 minutes never burnt anything or anyone.")

Yes No

Do you wish people would intentionally do something to piss you off enough that you could put a hot poker on their genitals?

(In H.P.A. we do not tell anyone to do anything. We just make discreet suggestions. We talk about our own methods used, the trouble we got into, and how we got out of it. We sit around & drink while sharing these stories. It is really freaky.)

Yes No

Have you ever grabbed a stick & waved it fiercely into the face of a friend in the hope that this would keep you from hurting them with a hot poker?

(We tried all kinds of ways. We made plastic pokers. Or ice pokers. Or we tied our hands & ankles with metal wire. Or only took out our pokers on weekends. You name it, we tried it. But if we took out anything with a tip on it, we usually pulled out our hot pokers eventually.)

Yes No

Do you need to drink boiling coffee to get started, or to calm you down? In a heated argument, do you often catch yourself using the words, “HOT POKER KILL DIE”?

Yes No

Is your ideal reality a nice relaxing day at the beach waiting for a circumstance to arise that would allow you to put hot pokers down somebody’s bathing suit?

Yes No

Have you had accidental hot poker burns on your body during the past year?

(Be honest! Doctors say that if you have hot poker burns and keep on fantasizing about using them, it will get worse -- never better. Eventually, you will die, or end up in an institution for the rest of your life or be swallowed by Satan or join a circus. The solution? Stay away from doctors.)

Yes No

Do you keep your hot poker on a rack, displayed above your mantle or hidden inconspicuously under your bed?

Yes No

Do you ever try to torment people at a party because you do not get enough attention?

Yes No

Do you tell yourself you can use a hot poker any time you want to, even though you compulsively light matches & blow them out while you continue getting drunk when you are telling yourself this?

Yes No

When playing with your children, do you often suggest playing “Hide & Go Poker” even though the children scream and run to mommy?

Yes No

Do you have "pokeouts"?

(A "pokeout" is when you have been so angry at someone for hours or days and you refrain from using hot pokers until the days blend together and become one long day.)

Yes No

Would you like to use a hot poker on the person who wrote this questionnaire?

(the correct answer is ALWAYS NO)

No No

What's your score? Did you answer YES four or more times? If so, you are probably ready for a hot poker episode. Why do we say this? Because thousands of people in H.P.A. have said so for many years. And they are always right about these things.

H.P.A. does not promise to solve your hot poker problems. But we can show you how to abstain from using hot pokers "one step at a time." We stay away from that "first fit." And once we teach you the basics, we will show you how to play Hot Poker Bingo.

Part 2 - The Cure:

HOT POKERS ANONYMOUS 12 STEP PROGRAM

We have admitted that we are angry at many people that blame us for our addictive behavior.

Came to believe that a Power Greater than a hot poker could restore us to sanity, but until that power is revealed to us we must try not to oblige in hot pokers.

Made a decision to "not use hot pokers in every circumstance that is made available to us, even if that circumstance is in the direction of God, as we understood God, coz God would be mad at us".

Made a searing and painful scar with a hot poker on ourselves to feel our victim’s pain.

Explained to all potential victims the exact nature of our intentions to use the hot poker on them, allowing them to escape unharmed.

Were ready to remove the hot poker from our lives thru fellowship with other members.

Humbly bowed our heads in silence after every incident or relapse.

Made a list of people we had harmed with hot pokers, and

Made direct statements to them that we are very, very sorry, they would never receive another round of hot pokers.

Continue to take names and phone numbers of people who may receive hot pokers in the future, and letting them know of their danger.

Sought thorough yelling and medication to face our addiction.

Having had a big breakfast every morning , we try to carry this message wherever we go, making sure that people know that we have problems putting hot pokers on innocent people.

Our Motto:
"Don't be a Joker with a hot poker! Remember: Be a Member!"

HOT POKERS ANONYMOUS OTHER 12 STEPS

We must never ever use hot pokers never ever again.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate mission - to never ever use hot pokers never ever again.

The only requirement for H.P.A. membership is a desire to never ever use hot pokers never ever again.

Each group should be willing to never ever use hot pokers never ever again as a whole.

Each group has but one primary purpose - to never ever use hot pokers never ever again.

H.P.A. group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the H.P. Anonymous name to anyone who ever uses hot pokers ever again.

Every H.P.A. group ought to be fully accepting of the fact that they can never ever use hot pokers never ever again.

H.P. Anonymous should remain forever never ever free from the use hot pokers never ever again.

H.P. Anonymous as such, ought never be organized never ever using hot pokers never ever again.

H.P. Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence H.P. Anonymous only has to think of never ever using hot pokers never ever again.

Our public relations policy is based on never ever using hot pokers never ever again.

Anonymity is the only way we allow the usage of hot pokers.

Submitted Stories

Every time I see "Poppin Fresh" Doughboy on the tv I get a sudden urge to poke him. Eventually, I had to settle with my little brother, since he was the closest thing to the Doughboy. Now they have a restraining order against me.

pot hoker pot hoker leave me be!

I have been struggling with my desire to use my hot poker at inappropriate times in inappropriate places. The problem is the irresistable beauty of my hot poker. Ergonomicaly designed, smooth lines, sensually weighted for maximum utility, I... I... gotta go now.

When I was a li'l youngun, I was constantly prodded and poked with a hot poker by my drunkass father. Because of this, I went insane and had to be locked up in an asylum for 3 years. Then one day, as if from heaven, my trusty psychiatrist showed me this hot pokers anonymous site, and all was well. I was able to leave the asylum and deal with my broken childhood. (Not to mention I gave my dad a permaenant welt in his azz.)

pot hoker pot hoker leave me be!

I see....hot pokers...

I sharpen my poker everyday. I leave it my fireplace for 2-4 hours everyday just in case I can't control myself. I am feeling ADHD! Oh, my God! I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF!!! HELP MEEEEEE!!!!!! Oh dang, I just poked my mommy with a burning hot Knife poker thingy. I don't have a problem do I? I am no worse than anyone else in this club am I? AM I!!?? TELL THE TRUTH, NOW!!!! I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL RIGHT!!!!?? IF I COULD POKE YOU WITH A BURNING HOT, FIRE POKER THINGY I WOULD POKE YOU 10-200 TIMES!!!!! Thank you and remember, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!
Sincerely,
Mr. Bob

My girlfreind said sex was so much better after I joined H.P.A. And going to the toilet is so much easier, it's a whole new world! Thanks H.P.A.
Hotfor Pokin.

Dear sirs with the Hot Pokers website,
Thanks, I'm feeling much better now that I know how to properly use hot pokers. Before I found your website I was using hot pokers simply to stir up fires and get my toast out of the toaster and stuff. Thank god, now I'm aware of the awsome potential that I've been missing all the years.
Thanks,
The Guy with hot poker in the restroom at the Dennys

People used to poke me with hot pokers, I had low self-esteam so I started poking myself too. Finally I stuck a hot poker down my throat and cought my lungs on fire. After the docter had told me I would never breathe again I joined H.P.A. I was a changed man. When I realized I could breathe again, I took everything I had learned at hot pokers anonymous, And poked my docter's eyes out with a red hot
poker. Thank you Hot Pokers Anonymous!
-Shmily

One time, about 4 years ago I used my first hot poker. I poked my best friend in the genital area. The doctors told him that they had to remove his balls when he woke up. The next weekend I stayed the night at his house (which was yesterday), he had on his fake balls. I had my hot poker handy. but thanks to H.P.A. I resisted my urge to poke them and melt them. Plus I didnt feel like getting melted rubber/plastic on my hot poker. So i poked his bum. He actually enjoyed it.

Once, at bandcamp, I tried to use a hot poker by putting it in an unmentionable area. Needless to say, while in a state of incredible pain/incredible ecstacy, I found your program extremely helpful. I now know that I should not use hot pokers in that area, or on anyone else. Now, when people make me insanely angry, I don't scream "I WILL SEAR YOUR BRAIN WITH MY HOT, HOT POKER, IMBECILE!!!" I say "Please run away very fast, or I WILL SEAR YOUR BRAIN WITH MY HOT, HOT POKER, IMBECILE!!!" I feel so at ease. Thank you Hot Pokers Anonymous!! I owe my life, and many others people's lives to you!
-psudonym@usa.net

We are all wired onto some kind of hot-poker trip now. I am just another hot poker... In the hot poker kingdom- Raul Duke

I wrote a tiny song to chant when i am feeling weak. It goes like this:

"HOT POKERS HOT POKERS
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO OH NO - NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO DOO WOP A DITTY DOO."

I use hot pokers to make the bible bashers that knock on my door pray for forgiveness.......... OzzyPedro.

I confess, I invented the poker just for my Cabana Boy... he loves it... Blonde

I'm Dominius M. I used to poke people 4, even 5 times a day. I'd wait in a public washroom, then lodge the poker in the rectal area while they were standing at the urinal. Luckily, thanks to H.P.A., I'm now a regular member of society and stick the poker in their eyes.

I work for packaging firm. my boss tell me to not sing while i package his meat. dis make me so mad! I must try to keep from using the pokers. Lucky for him i joined HPA, or i would use the pokers on his meat!

hot pokers are tasty!!!!!!! carnut PS: I used a hot poker on the doughboy

It was my favorite John Holmes movie... "Hot Poker", which was kind of a pun because it was about this gambler with a big schlong who got into a strip poker game with these 4 large busted women and then ... well you know what happened next. That's right, the large busted women,now nekkid, ran around chasing the large schlonged guy with red hot pokers !

you wil die by hot poker!!!!!!!!

Please share your tales involving your temptations to use hot pokers.

HOT POKERS ANONYMOUS® is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from using hot pokers on other human beings.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using hot pokers. There are no dues or fees for H.P.A. membership; we are self-supporting through various secret fundings.

H.P.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, political organization or institution; however, we would like to destroy all members of these groups, without using hot pokers.

Our primary purpose is to stay alive without using hot pokers.

An elvis shortliver creation