SCARY MOVIES THAT NEVER QUITE MADE IT TO THE BIG SCREEN: The Aboriginal Snowman Somewhere in Australia, a dingo coughs up a hairball, a shimp gets tossed onto the barbie, Paul Hogan looks for a job, and a mad, mad, mad scientist named Hobis Goosniget creates a terrible creature. After secretly replacing a young man’s blood with Folger’s Coffee©, a hideous abomination is created - a repugnant beast with a rich aroma. This terribly fiendish creature is played by saucy Australian porn star OzzyPedro in his best performance since "Dingo’s Ate My Thong Bikini." OzzyPedro is sympathetic as a drunken gerbil farmer turned grotesque beast. He yearns to be normal again; drinking screw-top wine and herding his flock of gerbils to the market. But alas, his life is changed forever as Goosniget concocts his evil plans. Goosniget plans to take over the world by letting loose this ghastly deformity on the general public. Why? Because Goosniget is mad. Having lost his chance at the Noble Peace Prize because all his experiments had to do with death, torment and destruction, he wants to strike back at the world which once called him Stinky Pants and allowed bullies to give him wedgies. So he sends OzzyPedro out to commit devious acts of torment such as ringing doorbells and running, making prank phone calls and throwing eggs at passing cars. Goosniget’s fiendish plan to take over the world, however, is damaged by the fact that he is in Australia, the ass-end of the world, where there really isn’t much to conquer except some stinky koala bears and a few hundred thousand kangaroos. About this time National Geographic hears the strange stories of a man-beast who likes playing practical jokes, so they send a team out to find, hunt and tag OzzyPedro. Lead by the famous Blurby Mooch, the comatose actor and American TV star, the National Geographic team stumbles onto Goosniget’s vile plan and accidentally foil it by giving the mad scientist a wedgie. OzzyPedro is found and fitted with a radio collar but not before he feeds Goosniget to some hungry dingos. The poignant ending has OzzyPedro hunting for his lost gerbil farm amid the ruins of Paul Hogan’s acting career.                       The Angry Red Midget He’s red. He’s angry. And he’s a midget. Can it get any worse? You bet - this damned midget is French! This movie begs the question, "Do you prefer to watch a French midget movie or to get a sharp stick to the eye?" Personally, I vote for the sharp stick. This movie opens up with our two heroes, Fifi Albatross, an illegal French mime, and her boyfriend Gay Pupone, a stupid French cheese maker and professional dog biscuit collector, as they stumble into the French Embassy looking for gum. They are accidentally shot into space after some American astronauts confuse them with the trained chimps used in the space program. After a harrowing space flight and equally harrowing crash landing (in which we see some of the best special effects of the movie - two paper plates held together with tape ‘flying’ through the air via a piece of string) our heroes find themselves on planet Chuff. There they find a the strange, hideously deformed midget creature known only as Pete, ruling over his imaginary collection of Beanie Babies. Pete immediately puts the moves on Fifi who in turn rejects his advances by pretending to be in ‘the box’. This causes Pete, already angry at being French, to get really pissed off. After an amazing fight scene in which Pete makes Gay Pupone eat sand while getting a wedgie, Pete is defeated by his own Beanie Babies lead by the retired Garcia bear. Sadly Gay is killed in the fighting and Fifi, now stranded on planet Chuff, marries the Garcia bear in an imaginary mime ceremony.                       Village Of The Damned Mimes This movie is just teeming with mimes - hence the title. Also known as Those Damn Mimes! and Where Mimes Dare, this movie is set in 1975 and shows the horror that is inevitable when mimes are allowed to live and breed. The little town of Spoonbender, Iowa has a real problem. An infestation of mimes has caused the people of the town to go mad, beat each other with German sausages about the face and taunt rabid badgers into staring contests. The body count is high as the madness engulfs everyone. Death by German sausage is shown in graphic detail as is the frightful mime stare that paralyzes even the mightiest of men into feeble minded, drooling dolts. In enters Snuggly Pushpins, played cheerfully by a heavily medicated Elvis Shortliver. Pushpins is a swashbuckling toilet washer for Taco Bell who lives on the edge. Fearing that the mimes will want to spread their vileness throughout the country side, Pushpins goes into action. He is unaffected by the ‘mime madness’ because he’s already insane. He lures the mimes with promises of autographed pictures of David Hasslehoff, buckets of lard and raw pork products. When this attempt fails to draw the mimes out into the open, Pushpins gets all ‘Rambo’ and hunts those offensive mimes down one by one. Hot pokers are used to crush and kill those wretched things and Pushpins wields them with power and grace which belay his medicated state. Good triumphs over evil as Pushpins defeats the mimes by playing KISS records backwards and urinating in public. The inhabitants of Spoonbender are so happy that this misguided, medicated waif has saved them that Pushpins is given the key to the city and a bag of rabid badgers.                       Frankenstein Meets Aunt Jemimah A professional fire eater named Milkweed Fetid and her idiot assistant Goober Peas discover ancient writings carved on the walls of an underground Romanian cemetery. So they decide to dabble with things they don’t understand and thus they unleash the curse of the Evil Aunt Jemimah. Aunt Jemimah, looking quite spry even after 200 years buried under six feet of dirt, turns out to be not so incredibly evil after all. Inviting Milkweed and Goober to dine on some of her delicious, yet evil pancakes, she informs them that she wants to become Queen of the Pancakes and demands that since they resurrected her they should help. As it happens, Evil Aunt Jemimah becomes an ally to Milkweed and Goober’s fight against Frankenstein, the King of Evil Breakfast Foods. Frankenstein, who has come to Romania in the hopes of re-opening his once popular evil deli, is an aging old goat of a monster who risks the deplorable laughter of his fellow monsters by sometimes appearing in public dressed as a Bavarian school girl. When Aunt Jemimah and Frankenstein finally met, a fierce battle ensues where Aunt Jemima trashes Frankenstein’s decrepit green butt with her delectable pancake batter. Never before has a horror movie so blatantly shown butter and eggs being used in such a baneful display of depravity. This movie dares to show how deadly yummy breakfast food can be when placed in the wrong, evil hands. After whipping Frankenstein's hinder, Aunt Jemimah fulfills her childhood dream of becoming Pancake Queen while Frankenstein is allowed to die like a Kevorkian outpatient.                       Dr. Jekyll And Mr. French We always knew Mr. French was a fiendish old bastard. Now we have proof! Evil Sabastian Cabot, Mr. French to you, has taken over mild-mannered Dr. Jekyll, played with almost no believability by New & Improved Jason. How scary is this movie? Well Jason plays a poodle loving social leper in love with Vole Shumpt, a professional midget body builder and spokesperson for Snackwurst Food Products©. That should be scary enough, but no! Mr. French, born out a spoiled batch of chocolate waffle batter, is a cross-dressing pig farmer who sends fan mail to Bea Arthur, collects gum wrappers and drinks maple syrup by the quart. He promptly alienates Vole with his vile and contemptuous ways. But while Vole tries to save Jason from his demon batter alter-ego, Jason embraces some of French’s tawdry and insulting habits. Jason is being pulled into the dark ways of the chocolate waffle, and he begins to show signs of waffle poisoning; cravings for turnip-flavored Popsicle’s, bathing in maple syrup, nervous ticks and twitching, and a lusting for hot pokers. Vole, who is often confused with a scabby garden gnome, tries to help Jason but accidentally runs his poodle over with a golf cart. Can Vole save her beloved Jason before he succumbs to Mr. French and his army of gerbils? Is Mr. French the anti-Christ? Can Jason stop dressing like a female impersonator and wear some socks? Will Mr. French get Buffy and Jodi to bed on time? Check out the cool scene where Vole wrestles with some of Mr. French’s trained gerbils while filming a Snackwurst infomercial. This chilling movie will make you question the existence of poodles, socks and midgets. It sure did for us.                       Earth Vs. The Flying Spaghetti Sauce An alien invasion force composed entirely of contemptuous spaghetti sauce has threaten to turn the planet Earth into a giant plate of pasta! What will the Earth do? Filmed in 1983, this snarly-good film has some great special effects; check out the hot, flesh-melting marinara sauce. The film stars such washed-up B-movie acting talent as John Saxon, Mr. T, and Sally Struthers and was filmed entirely on location in some guy’s backyard. The plot centers around the discovery of a hostile alien fleet of tomato sauce bent on destroying the Earth and enslaving the human inhabitants to toil in the bread mines of a far off world. Check out the moving performance by Mr. T as a bikini-clad biker and contestant of the Miss America pageant. If anyone deserves an Oscar for bringing sensitivity to the role of a cross-dressing loser, it’s T. After the pageant is called off due to the impending doom of invasion and destruction, T, oh-so dainty in stiletto heels, helps Dr. Gutpopper, a retired dentist, beat back those pesky jars of tasty, chunky style sauce. Can the Earth mount a defense before the evil sauce has begun the mass destruction? Does Earth have enough firepower to repel this tomatoey menace? Is red wine the best choice to serve with linguine? Why did Mr. T stop wrestling? And is that really John Saxon’s hair? But never fear - with Sally Struthers in the film there is no way even the smallest morsel of chow is going to waste. Struthers, who has one of those unhinging jaws normally found only in reptiles, eats like an ugly dog lost in a car wash. The ending has Struthers devouring the alien’s fleet with some fresh Italian bread.                       The Invisible Marmoset It all started with a phone call from my agent. "Simian, have I got a great role for you!" "Talk to me." "Its a real dynamic part. You’ll be playing a marmoset." "That’s not a real stretch." "Yeah but its an invisible marmoset." "Ahhhhhh……" And so the wacky mayhem begins. This movie is a lost H.G. Wells classic tale of murder, monkeys and cheese puffs. After a loony scientist named Clover Narf comes up with this equally loony idea of making monkeys invisible and turning them into his own personal army bent on stealing everyone’s car keys, he injects his trusty, loyal lab monkey (me) with the invisible serum. This isn’t the brightest idea seeing how we marmosets are pretty freaking small in the first place. Its tough enough trying not to get stepped on when I’m visible let alone invisible. Anyway Narf is quite out of his mind and his cravings for cheese puffs and world domination are, to say the least, not very sane. The first mission he sends me, the Invisible Marmoset, to do is kidnap Curious George and pop a cap in the ass of the Man with the Yellow Hat. After that I must hunt down Chim Chim of Speed Racer fame and free him from the trunk of Speed’s car. My orders are also to bitch slap that sniveling hecubus Spridle and kick Pops in the hinder before I leave. I then was to secure Bubbles, Gleep of the Super Friends, and Donkey Kong. Upon returning to the lab after my last mission I discover Narf, besotted with power and cheese puffs, trying to animate raisins into killer zombies. It is then I realize just how mad this whack-ass lunatic is. Gathering my monkey brethren, we overthrow Narf in a nasty showdown involving paper clips, rubber bands and an anvil made entirely out of cheese. Narf gets a paper clip in the eye and, as the saying goes, "it's always fun ‘til someone loses an eye." After we take over the lab, we realize the power we hold and decide to continue Narf’s world domination idea, but in a much more subtle, and evil, way. So we sit down at typewriters and start pounding out scripts for Baywatch Nights and movies starring anyone from the cast of Friends. And don’t forget the snarly soundtrack; recorded by various artists, these are cover versions of the best of the Oswald Honkers and was recorded at Clownies Meat Sandwich Shop.                        The Amazing Colon Man Don’t think a grown man in a diaper is terrifying? Watch this film. After wild hamsters chew their way into the nuclear power plant a terrible accident occurs. Nuclear matter spills onto resident janitor, Flab Crouton, a simpleton who bares more than a passing resemblance to Mr. Clean©. Suddenly, without any warning, Crouton begins to notice that his colon is growing at an alarming rate. In order to control his wayward large intestine, Crouton makes giant Depends Undergarments© for himself and begins watching Baywatch marathons on TV. If this isn’t scary enough, Crouton starts getting yearnings for Raisin Bran© and the voluptuous form of Burt Reynolds©. Thinking that Crouton is some kind of freak (well, he is) the townspeople run him out of town with hot pokers. He ends up in Dwarf Village, a town that consists solely of midgets, thinking that he can hide his deformity and live normally among the wee little folk. This fails miserable since Crouton wears only his Depends and shaves all his body hair until his fleshly physique is oiled to a shiny perfection. Refusing to allow Crouton to deplete their precious supply of Raisin Bran, and not wanting to have anything to do with Burt Reynolds since his acting career is so insipid, the midgets revolt and send their midget planes, midget tanks and midget anti-aircraft missiles to take down Colon Man. Crouton destroys the village but does not escape the wrath of the midgets. He dies a fiery death but not before he utters the most famous line in the movie, "Pork; the other white meat." This film is directed by French filmmaker, Lewgy Ezanidiot.                       Godzilla Meets Tinky Winky Once upon a time, Godzilla awoke from the bottom of the ocean with a hankering for human innards and custard. "Oh my!" thought Godzilla as he began desecrating the lovely island of Japan, turning over buildings and scorching the earth with his frosty breath. "This is truly the funniest, most wonderful thing to do! Oh what a good monster I am!" As Godzilla continued to obliterate Japan, squishing cars and Japanese children under his giant clawed feet, he sang softly to himself and gaily went about pummeling the inhabitants of Japan into steaming piles of fleshy goo. It was about this time that a visiting group of British tourists, the Teletubbies©, decided that it was best for them to leave the country. They had already had a dickens of a time with the children of Japan who, instead of adoring them, wanted to gut them like fish and watch them writhe in freakish misery until which time they would be dead. Since this is a reaction the Tubbies usually get, they thought nothing of it. But now that cheerful atomic monster Godzilla was bearing down on their hotel and Po suggested that it may be a good time to leave. Godzilla, while he was indeed singing a lovely rendition of I’m a Little Teapot, was getting ready to fry the hotel into a crispy collection of toothpicks. "Oh no!" cried LaLa. "I scared!" cried Dipsy. "Shiny" said Tinky Winky as he clutched his pretty red purse. Po just cried silent tears of despair. "What we do?" asked Dipsy. "We die," said LaLa now reserved to the fact that the vulgar existence of the Tubbies was at an end. Their contract with Satan was up. "Oh no!" said Tinky Winky. "Big Godzilla wants to play!" And with that Tinky Winky ran out of the hotel. Swinging his purse and giggling he danced around Godzilla until the mighty creature laughed and laughed and laughed. Godzilla had found a true friend. The rest of the Tubbies, seeing Tinky Winky and Godzilla frolicking about, ran outside to have some fun. Not liking the rest of the group, Godzilla crushed them with a swoosh from his mighty tail, turning LaLa, Dipsy and Po into merrily colored pools of terrycloth sludge. With that Tinky Winky cried, "Again! Again!"                       The Old People This film is taken from a short story written by Crumbly Biscuits for 1950’s horror/sci-fi magazine Idiot Planet. Are these people old? Yeah you bet! Older than dirt. Why, they remember having to walk to school with no shoes on in the middle of winter. And it was uphill both ways. Filmed in 1952 and starring that pillar of mediocre acting talent John Agar, a true piece of human driftwood, this movie is a chilling look at how deadly crusty old people can be when they don’t get enough fiber in their diet. Watching this film, you can almost smell urine staining the celluloid, like some giant Depends Undergarment©. This film has it all: walkers, support hose, false teeth, incontinence, and sadly, much more. When the local nursing home, The Raisin Ranch, runs out of whole wheat bagels, there’s trouble. A group of rabid, frothing old people start to kill with reckless abandon. Metal canes are jammed in places you never thought they could be jammed into. Hearing aids are used to beat victims senseless. Anything these deranged ancients can get their hands on they do - bibs, reading glasses, Freedent© gum (won’t stick to dental work) is used to torment and massacre hapless idiots who get in their way. Check out the snarly cameo by Pablo of Crapco as a crackpot doctor trying to locate more tasty whole wheat bagels and maybe some yummy lox too. Pablo’s death by toenail clipper is gruesome yet cinematically beautiful. After a while however these elderly people are all bound up so-to-speak. It’s up to Agar to relieve the pressure and bring these folks back to their normal, vegetative states. Agar, who’s acting is in and of itself a giant enema, merely lapses into an endless dialogue and slowly kills off each and every one of these archaic people with sheer, horrifying boredom. Good thing too, as all that urine was starting to back up the plumbing.                       I Was A Teenage Frenchman I think the title says it all. This chilling film is about the life of Mice Laundry, a frustrated teenager who one day discovers that he is French after he drinks some especially runny blue cheese. Following Mice’s life as a filthy teenage Frenchman, we see how Mice just doesn’t fit in with the rest of the town’s hormonal, gun-toting teens. He discovers that his biological parents where really circus folk - his dad a sideshow geek and his mother a giant hamster - in the Cirque de Soleil. Finding out this horrid truth, Mice seeks solace from the local drunken clergyman, Father Lucky O’Charms. Played by real-life alcoholic actor and new liver recipient, Dergus Zanpherpepper, O’Charms vomits a lot and gets the shakes. He’s really not of much comfort to Mice as he is extremely inept, unkempt and usually loaded to the gills. Whenever Mice sees blue cheese he reverts back to his horrible French ways. This doesn’t deter his moronic, inbred girlfriend Junebug, the toothless turtle food collector and demolition derby queen. She still loves him even when he leaps into an impromptu imitation of Jerry Lewis after ingesting several pounds of blue cheese. After slipping into a mime impression, Mice accidentally impales himself with a wedge of Cheddar and goes into a mime-coma. At the same time O’Charms drowns in a pool of his own drool and Junebug is killed when her mobile home is ransacked by angry weasels. This movie is directed by famed French Canadian director Gurgle Irkedusall and spawned a new generation of teenage movies; I Was a Teenage Boy Scout, I Was a Teenage Elvis Impersinator and I Was a Teenage Zeppelin. (Proceeds of the rental of this movie goes to getting Zanpherpepper a fresher liver.)                       The Texas Egg Mess Based on a true story, this film takes us to Texas in 1978 and tells the tale of a rather grizzly night of terror and eggs. After a night of hard drinking at the local Denny’s©, Fudgie Dewhale, matriarch of the inbred Dewhale clan, becomes convinced that there is a black-market for fermented egg white moonshine. So Dewhale begins hiding chickens in her trousers for several weeks at a time in an attempt to harness eggs with a powerful fermentation. This is disgusting enough to film as a horror movie all its own, but no, there’s more. In enters some goofy, mixed-up, middle aged teenagers who stumble into Dewhale’s plan. Directed by Rube Stumpy, this film is filled with teenage mayhem and inbred fury. Some teenage loser gets disemboweled with a chicken. Someone else gets run over by a tractor. Some inbreeds eat dog hair and drink motor oil. There are endless close ups of chickens laying rotten eggs onto corpses and inbred kids without eyelids. This movie moves like a funeral procession on Valium. If truth is stranger than fiction, then it's also stupider than fiction. The Dewhale clan is best described as completely asinine, and even that is being kind. And maybe it's just me, but why would you want to have children with one of your siblings? The only thing this story is missing is crippled circus midgets. If we had a few of those freaks in the movie maybe I would have actually cared what happened to these insipid middle-aged teens. The high point of the movie comes when the local sheriff, a small part played by a irritable and gaseous Mr. Lardlumps, complains that his boils are acting up again. We’re spared actually viewing them, however the implied visuals are scary enough. But at least the movie lives up to its title - it is indeed a mess.                        The Fat Wolf Man Two mad scientist bachelor types live with a fat, giggling little boy named Ginger, who wears skimpy leather hot pants and speaks like a chipmunk sucking on helium. As a joke, the scientists feed Ginger a secret concoction that turns him into a fat, giggling werewolf. Not knowing how to reverse this, they get him a job as a disc jockey for a local oldies station. Ginger does well spinning records and barking at the moon. He even gets a shiny new flea collar and some Milk Bones©. Fed up with trying to housebreak Ginger, the two loser scientist head home and leave Ginger in the tender care of a motherly Joan Crawford. Suddenly another movie springs up in the middle of this one. Not that that is a bad thing considering that this film is brimming with dead space, a lot of endless walking sequences and many shots of overhead lamps. As the two scientist bicker and insult each other in a haze of Tequila and SPAM©, a spaceship crash lands in their back yard. The alien that appears is a rather shaggy looking red creature with a cheerful disposition and a childlike voice. After sucking the scientist's brains out with a straw, the alien heads into town looking for mayonnaise and cheap wine. Later a meteor impacts in the desert. A woman is found dead of mayonnaise poisoning and it’s all up to the fat wolf man, Ginger, to do something about it. No matter that he’s just a fat little boy with fur glued to his face.  No matter either that he’s urinated on Joan Crawford’s best oriental rug. Ginger is thrust into being a hero. Following a meeting with the shaggy red alien, a fight ensues where Ginger promptly gets his hinder handed to him by his giggling alien counterpart. Suddenly things get really sticky as a group of intergalactic hedghogs show up and practice a game of tug of war on some leftover meatloaf. Don’t ask me how this concludes - I’m usually too strung up with Valium to ever get to the end of this one.

Hey, Check Out Our Past Halloween Specials! We ROCK!! 1st Annual Horror Movies That Didn't Quite Make It To The Big Screen 2nd Annual Miserable Monster Movie Marathon 3rd Annual Scariest Movies That You'll Never See 4th Annual Wicked Bad Scary Movies That We Sit Through So You Won't Have To 5th Annual "Movies So Bad You Feel Like Joe Don Baker" Dead-A-Thon.