 Frankenstein:
The Man Who Made Awesome Pancakes
This movie follows
the continuing story of the Frankenstein monster years after ‘the incident’.
Having been driven out of illiterate Germany by those silly illiterate
Germans, the monster makes his way to Holland, where he opens a deli that
specializes in luscious pancakes. He becomes a folk hero when it is discovered
that his pancakes are the most delicious pancakes known to mortal man.
Dubbed "Mann der köstlichsten butterartigen Kuchen des goldenen süsser
Tasting" (literal translation; "Man of delicious buttery cakes of golden
sweet tastiness") and later shortened to Butterartigen, he is awarded a
key to the city and his own dilapitated windmill. However, Butterartigen
can not escape his own revolting past. After a deli patron criticizes his
new gum flavored pancake recipe Butterartigen goes ballistic and beats
him with a wooden shoe. Then Butterartigen, in a fit of rage, unleashes
his trained French Toast Sticks to attack any children who happen to be
foolish enough to leave their fingers in the dykes. But alas, the French
Toast Sticks are trapped and drown in pools of syrup by local residents
who devour them. Butterartigen is then tossed into his own viscous pancake
batter. He emerges only to be assaulted by large amounts of half-eaten
pancakes. His death by pancakes is one of the most brilliantly moving scenes
in horror cinema; unparalleled even today.
 Attack
Of The 50Ft. Doughboy
Before he became
the object of intense cuteness, Poppin’ Fresh the Pillsbury Doughboy was
doing bad B-movies for Paramount. Since he needed to pay his bills and
he had yet to reach the status of a Pastry Demi-God, Poppin’ Fresh slaved
in such abominable films as "Killer Biscuits", "I Was a Teenage Muffin",
and "The Doughboy of World War II". Then came his big break. "Attack of
the 50 foot Doughboy" (also known as "From the Oven to the Grave: Killer
Sugar Cookies") was panned by critics but loved by millions. This story,
set in futurist Los Angeles and featuring a cast of many (Larry Storch,
Sally Struthers, Charles Nelson Reilly, Vicki Lawrence, Paul Lynde...)
bad actors, brought the thespian talents of Poppin’ Fresh to new highs.
Poppin’ Fresh plays Squishy, the title character, who lets loose a rein
of terror on unsuspecting Los Angeles. As a tormented batch of uncooked
cookie batter, Squishy is both demon-mix and fun-loving dough as he struggles
with his identity. At one key moment in the film, happy Squishy frolics
with small children at the kindergarten playground before devouring the
little bastards in a frenzy of madness. Is Squishy demon-spawn or simply
misunderstood? We come to realize that he may not be so bad after all when
he consumes a screaming Lorne Green while crushing the Los Angeles freeway
during rush hour. However, the United States military doesn’t agree. Squishy’s
fate is sealed when the National Guard haul in the biggest flame thrower
made in the US. The ending is both sad and sweet as they toast poor Squishy’s
buns into a huge, yet delicious, pan cookie.
 Creature
From The Hungarian Gulag
The Creature From
the Hungarian Gulag is the only movie ever to star Elvis Shortliver and
Mr. Lardlumps together. The story follows Mr. Lardlumps as he goes from
high-spirited college frat boy to a cantankerous, bitter old fart who prefers
to reside in the Hungarian Gulag, a swampy mess of a place, instead of
with the rest of humanity. Enter Shortliver as Snoogle B. Splatterspoon,
a debonair crash-test dummy with the largest Beanie Baby collection in
all the United States. Accidentally stumbling into the Gulag, Splatterspoon
discovers that Lardlumps is seriously messing around with Mother Nature
by creating a race of evil, giant Sea Monkeys. Horrified by Lardlumps’
contempt for humanity and chocolate waffles, Splatterspoon decides to wage
war with Lardlumps and his evil creations. He is aided in this fight by
Lardlumps’ beautiful, yet brick-stupid assistant, Keanu Reeves. During
the fighting, where Splatterspoon perfects his savvy ways with the dreaded
hot poker, one of Lardlumps’ immoral creations escapes. In it’s search
for Doritos, Cheese Puffs, and Twinkies, the nasty beastie wanders into
a 1950’s-like high school and is elected class president as well as being
voted Most Likely to be Eaten With a Lemon Wedge in a Light Cream Sauce.
Splatterspoon defeats the evil Mr. Lardlumps and goes into the swamp in
search of those enigmatic chocolate waffles. The ending leaves open the
perfect opportunity for a sequel as the beastie and Keanu marry in a lovely
Hawaiian ceremony on the Isle of Dr. Moreau.
 Halloween
Enema
One of the most
disgusting as well as frightening movies ever made, this movie is based
on a true story. One night in 1984 a group of young, alcoholic, and pretty
damn stupid, teenagers went to a Halloween party in a remote wooded area.
Please keep in mind, when these frothing, hormonal teenagers are referred
to as ‘stupid’ we are actually being kind. These idiots are the
biggest morons this side of the inbred hicks portrayed in "Deliverance".
Thinking that pond water would make a good mixer for Vodka, these swill-hounds
drank 60 gallons of the rancid stuff before they realized that all of them
were getting ‘bound up’ so to speak. This, of course, hampered their wild
dingo sex (cut from even the director’s version because it was so pathetic).
Suddenly, a demonic enema was created. All 6 kids began to lose control
and their colons literally jumped out of their bodies, intent on wreaking
havoc in the civilized world. As the teenagers are dying from blood loss
and lack of a colon, their rogue body parts go into town and plot massive
destruction. Don’t think a rogue colon can ruin your day? Well, watch this
movie and you’ll see villainous colons ripping out the pace-makers of senior
citizens and scaring small children to death. The colons are contained
only after a large dose of laxative is washed into town. Thankfully, no
sequel was ever made.
 The
Blob Of Gum
Indescribable! Indestructible!
And Inedible! The Blob of Gum from the title is horrific in it’s intensity
to engulf a whole Mid-Western town in the 1950’s. Taken from a short story
written by Flabbiehoe Winkerweed for the SciFi magazine, "The Galaxy
Stupid", this moderately successful film caused a stir for it’s violent
content and graphically bloody scenes when it was first shown in 1957.
The film begins with a brilliant yet disturbed scientist, Dr. Browncow,
being thrown out of a prestigious university. He is miffed because, while
his theories are scientifically sound, they are totally insane. No one
wants dehydrated children or an extra limb attached to the forehead. So
Browncow is mad. Mad and dejected. He plots revenge by genetically engineering
a simple wad of pre-chewed gum into a slow-moving killing machine. Armed
with razor like gum-teeth, the giant and ever expanding wad of once watermelon
flavored gum enters into Dupeville USA. As residents flee for their lives
a facially deformed rebel and his midget girlfriend try to kill the beast
and save their greasy hides at the same time. Finally landing on the concept
that gum never digests and sits in your stomach for years, the two make
Browncow eat motor oil just in spite. The military nukes the town, even
though most of the residents, including the deformed rebel, his midget
girlfriend, and Browncow are still there.
 The
Hunchback Of Notre Dame Vs. The 1952 Oswald Honkers
Conjoined twins
Oswald and Lee (Oswald) Honiker of the Oswald Honkers heads up the cast
of this spiffy horror film. Joining in the monstrous fun is drummer Oswald
Gordon Liddy. (However, Liddy, who has a long history of mental illness
was unaware that he was actually in the movie.) Oswald and Lee play sheriffs
of a small hamlet in 1381 who are looking into the mysterious hot poker
death of the village idiot, Humpbert T. Wizzlegut, played with conviction
by Liddy. The boys then come face to face with another genetic oddity,
the Hunchback. However, it turns out the Hunchback is Humpbert T. Wizzlegut’s
illegitimate son, Boghopper P. Wizzlegut and that he has been raised by
Jehovah Witness’ for all of his 45 years. The mystery deepens as a young
Gypsy girl named Grundgy is suddenly accused of being a demon and talking
to imaginary burrowing weasels. Oswald and Lee set out to clear Boghopper’s
name and save the lovely, toothless, Grundgy, who all three are in love
with. The boys soon discover that the burrowing weasels, while indeed imaginary,
are quite handy with a hot poker. These carnivorous creatures want to feast
on human flesh. Lee and Oswald triumph over these nasty varmints by flooding
the sewer system with Tang. The story ends on a bittersweet note, however,
as Boghopper and Grundgy elope leaving Oswald and Lee to clean up after
the imaginary critters.
 Alfred
Hitchcock's: Brassiere
Anthony Perkins
made a living portraying weird-ass freaks. Here he proves once again just
how good he is at it. The film traces the story of the a demonic bra that
has been endowed with cup padding from Satan. Perkins’ character, Moose,
is a closet transvestite who hears the voice of his high school football
coach telling him to dress like a little girl and become a Rolling Stones
groupie. Resisting the urge to do this, Moose becomes more and more psychotic.
He takes to singing show tunes to his raisin collection and writing mushy
fan mail to David Hasslehoff. The "Brassiere" in question is one sent to
Moose by David Hasslehoff who writes, …."forever yours, Love Lucifer
David". Moose wears the lingerie as soon as it arrives and then the killing
spree begins. This chilling movie offers a glimpse into the mind of a transvestite
serial killer and gave us such frightening scenes as the infamous ‘hot
poker to the eye’ killing, the ‘hot poker in the nasal cavity’ killing,
and the forever famous ‘the hot poker to the private parts’ killing. Hitchcock
once said he wished the film industry had the power to create a smell sensation
for film-goers; he wanted the smell of burnt flesh and genitals to be part
of the movie experience. Thankfully that didn’t happen.
 The
Day The Earth Stood Still And Baked
Chocolate waffles
have invaded our world and threaten to take away our maple syrup! Oh the
horror! Taken from a book written by Izzy Askmeout, this film is a true
SciFi classic. Marvel at the snarly 1960’s special effects! Be astonished
by the sub-par acting and bad set design! This movie stars Adam West as
President Nixon, Sid Caesar as Henry Kissinger and Bea Arthur as Nixon’s
mother. A not-to-be missed film, the plot revolves around a group of intergalactic
chocolate waffles, who, tired of being persecuted on their own world have
decided to neutralize Earth in the hopes of colonization. The people of
Earth must submit or be burned by chocolatey goodness. Enter our hero,
President Nixon. His main goal is to slowly talk the waffles to death by
using is super-powered ‘Checkers speech’. This does not work, however,
and the chocolate waffles fry the bejesus out of Nixon and, for good measure,
toast his mom too. It’s up to Kissinger to work his magic. Can he do it?
An unsung hero in the acting community, Caesar shows off his amazing potential
as Kissinger.
 Ding
Dong
One of my favorite
movies ever. And I’m not just saying that because (1) I have a small part
in the movie or (2) Ding Dong is a giant monkey. I say that because Ding
Dong, King of the Apes, is one hot HOT hunk of primate righteousness. The
plot centers on Ding Dong, a sexy lounge singer in the Tom Jones vein,
from the Island of Misfit Toys. I, simian, play his manager who pleads
with him not to leave the island in search of fame and fortune in New York.
However, King Ding (as he likes to be called) feels that he has no future
singing to the likes of a Charlie in the Box or the Spotted Elephant. So
he ventures off (against my advice…I just have to throw that in…) to New
York. Upon arriving, he is mistaken for Yanni and shot with tranquilizers
by the NYPD. Enraged when he wakes, for who really wants to be mistaken
for Yanni - for Chim Chim’s sake, King Ding goes ape-house ballistic. It’s
not a pretty sight as he tears down buildings and squashes hapless humans
under his giant, opposable thumbed feet. Finally, he climbs the Empire
State building for an impromptu gig, taking with him the New York Times
music critic Gene Shallot. About this time, the Air Force has decided to
take King Ding out. They circle him and Shallot in A-10s and, lacking any
and all concern for Shallot’s pitiful life, shot both the monkey and sideshow
freak down from the Empire State building. Unfortunately, Shallot survives.
 Draculump
The second outing
by the notorious Mr. Lardlumps has him playing a villainous Count of Romanian
origin. The film focuses on Mr. Lardlumps, known as Draculump, a smelly
monstrosity who has a hankering for sucking steaming bile out of living
human pancreas. Shunned by the people of his country (gee I wonder why?),
burned out of his family castle, Draculump takes a journey to find a new
home. He finds one in the place of a tiny, uncharted island called Gilligan’s
Isle. Thinking that the stupid imbeciles who inhabit the island are easy
pickings for him, Draculump makes no real effort to hide his arrival or
the fact that he is a bile-sucking mutation. The film shows us that this
is a fatal mistake for Draculump, freakish monstrosity that he is. For
while the crew and passengers of the USS Minnow are indeed simpletons,
they appear to have a knack for foiling Draculump’s plans and causing him
great pains. Many are the scenes in which Draculump’s gets a load of coconuts
dropped on his noggin or hot coals plunging in his trousers. A movie
that begs for hot pokers, (and gets them!) the viewer is never sure exactly
who they want to die first.
 Hot
Pokers
This film has everything.
simian (me), elvis, pancakes, giant spiders, corn-fed pork, Boris Karloff
and a groovy soundtrack. One of the first films directed by that pillar
of mediocrity, Roger Corman, it takes place in the 1770’s in Caribou, Maine.
People keep showing up at town meetings with hot pokers protruding from
various places on their bodies. Of course, this being Maine, it takes most
of the town folk days before they realize that something is amiss - even
the ones with the hot pokers. Suddenly hot poker killings and maiming are
on the rise and no one has any idea who or why. And pancakes have been
mysteriously appearing on church alters. Enter Karloff as a charming, and
obviously dead, guy dressed in cool Victorian costume and me as his really
cute monkey sidekick, Snuggs. Under the guise of a spider collector, Karloff
sets out to find the hot poker murderer who he believes is also a dead
guy who probably likes spiders too. My job is to merely agree with Karloff’s
whack-ass theories, serve pork and look extremely cute. Karloff comes across
a simple soul played by elvis shortliver. Named Booboo Spongehead, shortliver
gives the performance of his life as he is over come by hot pokers and
dies a fiery death only to have his head severed and placed on a lobster
trap. Confused? You should be. This movie is as confusing as the state
of Maine and cheap as Corman could make it. Don’t forget to get the soundtrack
by the 1952 Oswald Honkers.
 The
Incredible Shrinking Liver
The Greek god of
fermented fruit, Baracus once said, "Bourbon cures what ails ya!" Well,
maybe not. But this chilling movie offers you an unyielding look at the
horrors of a liver gone bad. Once Frankfert Hossenhopper discovers that
his liver is plotting against him, he goes on a drinking binge designed
to kill that blood-cleaning bastard outright. However, no one believes
Frankfert when he says his truly massive alcohol consumption is due to
a liver turned corrupt. Even his girlfriend Fizzlestick, played by renowned
dwarf actress Wee Smally, doesn’t believe this one particular body part
is out to kill it’s host. Frustrated by his inability to squash his rogue
liver, Frankfert goes to see one of the Psychic Friends about the problem.
Convinced that Frankfert’s liver is indeed out to not only kill him but
anyone else it can get it’s evil and corrupt capillaries on, the psychic
trys to perform an exorcism to expel the naughty demon that is living with
the blood vessels of Frankfert’s now pickled liver. However, this backfires
as the liver leaps out of Frankfert’s body and adheres itself to the physic’s
face; sucking the mucus membranes dry until the brain is pulled out by
the nostrils. Horrified at the sight of such a bloody and excruciating
death, Frankfert can only watch in sheer terror as his liver then works
it way to his lovely Fizzlestick. But thinking fast, Fizzlestick bangs
the liver several times with the heel of her shoe and drops the stunned
organ into a nearby frying pan with some fresh onions. And while Frankfert
Hossenhopper slowly dies from blood loss, Fizzlestick enjoys a delicious
dinner.
 International
House Of Frankenstein
It’s the "International
House of Frankenstein"! This sequel to "Frankenstein" picks up where the
first film left off. Bringing back Butterartigen by injecting him with
boysenberry syrup, a mad scientist unleashes a new type of restaurant on
the world; one that serves breakfast 24 HOURS A DAY! Not only breakfast,
but lunch too! Butterartigen has now perfected his yummy pancakes and added
more to the menu included delectable French toast, scrumptious B.L.T.s
and soothing blood tea. All food is guaranteed to be fresh, delicious and
EVIL. The film follows Butterartigen and mad scientist MoJo Stinkbug in
their plot to take over the world by using food that is both savory and
depraved in order to subvert the masses. Pancakes, looking harmless and
buttery delicious while sitting on a plate with syrup suddenly lash out
and swallow the diner before the butter even melts. French toast, now militant
and bitter, look mouth-watering even as they rip out your tongue and wave
it in front of your face. The tasty B.L.T.s laugh as they open you up with
razor sharp bacon and glass-sharp lettuce. And the blood tea? Well lets
just say that it’s YOUR blood. All goes smoothly until MoJo Stinkbug trys
to change the B.L.T. recipe to include some honey mustard. The food rebels
against their creators and kill MoJo with many hot pokers. Butterartigen
flees to a nearby village only to be hunted down and hot pokered to death,
this time for good. Once the creators are gone however, infighting among
the foodstuffs causes server casualties and villagers being hunted the
slow and weak among the pancake hordes. Eventually, a peace agreement is
reached.
|
