Peter Pan 9 From Outer Space
Crumbs I've had so much OxyContin I can't feel my adorable monkey paws! And for this movie, that's a good thing! I stopped screaming after the first 40 minutes because by then the sight of a freakshow dressed in bright green leotards running around like a Pamela Anderson drag queen had fused my optic nerve and rendered a large portion of my brain inert. Oh wait, I think I'm usually like that. Oh never mind. Anyway, this movie is one of the scariest pieces of French Canadian filmmaking ever made. Starring this guy as the Peter Pan in question, this ultra shocking sci-fi movie classic was filmed entirely by blind Canadian spider monkeys in a dark alleyway. The lighting is so dim that the audience is nearly clueless as to the actual events in this film. But believe me this is a blessing. The story is about Peter Pan, a festering space pixie who eats the faces off small children and the elderly. Personally I don't really think that that's a bad thing and judging by the reactions of the, uh, 'actors', in this film they aren't too sure if it's so awful a thing either. Enter a flea-bitten Cory Haim as Splacknuck Fishleberry a stupid moron who also happens to be a closet Peter Pan dresser himself. Thinking that the town of Mayberry is only big enough for one outrageously flamboyant, flaming cross-dresser, Fishleberry decides to take Pan down. The final scenes in which Fishleberry and Pan wrestle in raw hamburger are a shockingly realistic parallel to Haim's real life spiral into has-been obscurity. And check out the snarly cameo by Captain Morgan. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Shining Hindu
Shiny! This movie is great and I don't say that just because I'm the star. Oh that's right, I play Umphoo Phoo, the Hindu goddess of delightful little monkeys (like that's a stretch) and savory butter goodness. And we all know how important butter is to the Hindu population. Almost as important as my morning bowl of Cap'n Crunch and vodka. Better than inhaling gasoline and ammonium nitrate, this film is frightening beyond belief. Suspenseful, scary and down right creepy, this film blatantly exploits the common horror movie theme: brainless half-wits who don't listen to the dire warnings of those who know better. These are usually the characters that, at some point the film, wind up having their internal organs shown to them on a platter. Journey with Lisk Hellhole as he tries to find the secret of the Shining Hindu, an ancient oily mythological figure thought to bring fresh ham sandwiches, pineapple slices, mango chutney and black coffee to those who follow its evil ways. Oh no! Not mango chutney!? I mean mangoes are really terrifying in and of themselves, but chutney? What the hell IS chutney anyway? The Shining Hindu is like a waiter from the dimension of the damned who serves tropical fruit or something. Anyway, tempting fate, Lisk, the narcoleptic actor best known as the guy who eats chalk, chucks cans of SPAM at the temples and sings show tunes during all hours of the night. He even wears a dress, a hot little red sequent number, and insists on being called Ms. Streisand. Thus his reckless and naughty behavior evokes the curse of the Shining Hindu. This physiological thriller is based on an actual Indian myth about an oily waiter who comes back from the dead after being run over by a rabid donkey. Directed by Bab Oonash Kinipfit and using a new technique of keeping the lens cap on the camera while filming, this movie is destined to become a classic. I don't have much dialog, but that's fine since my main job was breathing and looking cute. I swear I could get an Oscar for this one. If only they had a Best Monkey category. Damn you Hollywood! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Night Of The Living Dead Headz
Meet the crazy Dead Headz family. There's Joey, Hopi, Snuffles, Squishy, Rags, Scabby and The Claw. These people are truly stupid - they average a combined IQ of about 90. And they're all about as interesting as burnt toast. But they're not in this movie so forget I said anything. Instead this movie is about Jerry Garcia and his quest to come back to life and find his missing finger. Like all good dead guys, once he gets out of the ground he starts eating brains and kicking puppies, because we all know that's what dead people do after a hard day's rest in the old catacombs. Bloated, decomposing and truly rank, Jerry looks pretty much the same as he did when he was alive (figure of speech) and medicated. Except that now he has less skin. Oh and his hair is falling out. But still, he's got that oily, distended look that was his trademark for most of the 60s. Jeez just looking at this guy is terrifying. And so is his acting, if you can call it that. Boy, if you didn't want to dice up Jerry's puffy face with a meat cleaver before he was dead just wait to you see this drugged out bastard now. Filled with plenty of gruesome shots consisting of aging hippies getting their intestines pulled out with guitar picks, this movie is a truly wonderful gore-fest. Check out the scene in which Jerry takes over a small farmhouse by terrorizing the poor inhabitants with non-stop, off-key versions of Shakedown Street. And you thought the music was already off-key! Best of all, Jerry gets to beat the bejesus out of Grace Slick with a bag full of nails and coleslaw. Now that's entertainment! Starring the real cadaver of Jerry Garcia. Original soundtrack by the Burning Kells. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I Toured With The Zombies
Swanky Ellachick stars as the undead, and completely unsavory, groupie Skank in this pseudo-documentary-slasher-horror movie. Skank, a festering hobgoblin with watery eyes, body lice and a bad case of mime-infection, is in love with the zombified Zombies lead singer, Pigfish, played here by hygiene challenged actor Hal O'Toesis, in this bizarre mess of a film. This is one of those movies that left me asking, "Why should I give a rat's hinder about these losers?" Did I get an answer? Hells no! As the character Pigfish, O'Toesisis both nauseating and repulsive - much as he is in real life. His acting style consists of him barking incoherent lyrics and occasionally spitting out his rotting teeth like little yellow pieces of broken tile. I Toured With the Zombies is a musical bloodbath filled with some of the worst acting this side of Baywatch. Based on a novel by Derman Pongee, a one-eyed harlequin currently incarcerated for cutting up his entire collection of limited edition Elton John porcelain dolls with a lemon peeler and stuffing them in a deliciously meaty SPAM casserole, this film follows the deceased band on a 50-day tour of song and dance numbers. All this is painfully narrated by Skank who has such gripping dialog as: "Day 12: I'm still dead". I wish I could tell you more about the plot but about half way through I got up to make some boysenberry daiquiris and French toast. Both were extra delicious, I might add. Anyway, this movie left me with one other question: Can a monkey ever have enough boysenberry syrup lying around the house? The answer- Hells no!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Poltergas
What happened in this movie? Damned if I know. Oh I watched it all right, every brain-numbing frame. It was like getting stabbed in the cerebral cortex with a fork. Repeatedly. But I guess since our TV doesn't get Smell-O-Vision we didn't get the full effect. I can't tell you how thankful I am about that. But even if that weren't the case, I don't think I could tell you what happened here. I think the director forgot to have stuff actually happen in the film. All I know for sure is that the family dog in this flick is a better actor than the rest of the cast. I think the plot revolves around a little girl who is possessed by an extremely nasty gaseous entity. First everyone blames Foo Foo the family dog. Yeah I liked that one (heavy sarcasm) - blame the dog you morons. I was hoping that Foo Foo would rupture a blood vessel in his doggie brain and rip out the throats of those moronic buffoons in glorious Technicolor. Oh now that would be good cinema! But sadly this was not to be. This movie contains endless shots of lamps, toilet bowls and wallpaper while the actors say their dialog off screen. I guess that was so when this stink bomb came out they all could still get jobs later. This movie stars Lump Hibble, Scratchy Bog and little Goateater Ho. Watching these mediocre actors torpedo their already pathetic careers like this is something to behold. I think they could have gone out with more grace by overdosing on a mixture of heroin and brake fluid, but I think that's just the optimist in me. I've seen better acting on the Jerry Springer Show. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Clockwork Oprah
Ah the inflated personality that is Oprah - captured here in all its celluloid horror - starring in a movie that will make you curl up into a ball and call for your mother. And that's just a side effect of her acting! But then, this movie proves that even with a bloated ego like Oprah in the starring role, a great horror movie can still be made. Set in the distant future the plot centers on Oprah's character, Gumby Squid a catatonic sewerage worker who creates designer onion rings on the side. This being the future of course, deep fried onion rings are illegal and thus Gumby is an outlaw. However, the scariest thing that Gumby is known for is her unimaginably huge appetite. This woman can devour more buttermilk biscuits and gravy than a room full of Jenny Craig dropouts. Watch as Gumby cooks in saturated vegetable oil! Marvel as she scoffs down 20 pounds of bacon grease and pork rinds! See Gumby eat more sausage than the entire population of Germany! It must be in Oprah's contract that she appear in every single frame of the movie. That really isn't a good idea, given that she's not really an actor so much as a TV personality. And one has to wonder why this would be after Oprah's last celluloid bomb, "Little Chocolate Doughnuts" led to widespread rioting and looting. But I guess that this is the type of thing that happens when you have an ego the size of your expanding waistline. Regardless this movie is a must see for its chilling portrayal of batter dipped foodstuffs. Never have I seen a more frightening sight than Oprah eating. The haunting soundtrack was recorded by a dozen screeching weasels and a dingo located somewhere behind Ozzy Pedro's house. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The War Of The Wizard Of Oz
Have you always wanted to see the Scarecrow get what's coming to him? Think the Tin Man should have gotten his beating heart ripped out of this chest? Ever wanted to take that medal the Cowardly Lion got and stab him in the eye with it? Well this movie grants you those wishes, and more, in glorious color! Starring both Jason X as an evil space invader bent on world domination (gee do you think Jason has been typecast?) and Elvis Shortliver as the vacant hero Dorothy Lamoure, this is a snarly good sci-fi classic. The story opens in the Oz prison when we see Dorothy/Elvis getting sprung after serving his time for mime-beatings and assault with a hot poker. Part of his parole however is to stay in the town of Oz and start acting like an upstanding citizen. Not an easy feat when you have a hot poker fetish. Luckily Dorothy gets a job as a human corkboard at the Velcro factory. Too bad for him but Velcro is just what Jason needs to take over Oz and the world. While this plot point is not explained in great detail it hardly matters because as soon as Jason puts down his beer long enough to start the invasion, in enters the Scarecrow. This hardcore bad ass is now stuffed with asbestos and carries a pitchfork. He picks fights with old ladies and plays John Tesh records really loud. After a pitched battle with the alien forces, in which Scarecrow gets his ass handed to him (literally as he still isn't held together well) Scarecrow summons his other dupes - Tin Man, now rusty and wearing leather and the Cowardly Lion who simply pees himself at every opportunity. A great bloody battle ensues and we the audience get treated to some of the best cinematography this side of Pokeman: The Movie. This film also has appearances by Cory Feldman and Sally Struthers as washed-up has-beens looking for jobs, but the less said about them the better. I mean they're both pretty freakish so just having them in a film is pretty darn scary. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Thong From Another World
Okay let me get this out of the way first: This movie hurts. Oh boy does this movie hurt. The Thong from Another World is, aside from being filled with questionable taste, appalling dialog, and really crappy cinematography, the only film to star Putrid, the little Greek god of gambling, chain-smoking and cheap booze. He is also Cupid's vile twin brother and a frequent guest here at Wacky Advice so we try not to piss him off. Putrid stars as Yuck Plankchest, an angry Elvis Shortliver impersonator, out to avenge the death of his beloved girlfriend Hoedad Friggin. Friggin, it seems, was attacked and killed by a massive space creature called the Thong that drains the life out of its victims via a giant wedgie. This horrifying death is shown in graphic detail over and over again, as the movie has no real plot to speak of. The audience is treated (if you can call it that) to scene after scene of unspeakable carnage by way of the enormous extraterrestrial undergarment. Shocking, yet strangely fascinating in it's ghastly bloodthirsty state, this film does have some  decent special effects: if you can call a gigantic thong panty engulfing a military airbase 'special'. Filmed exclusively on location at Clownie's Meat Shop, this film went over budget by $7.00 and was filmed by Jimmy, thedirector's inbred half-brother. Good job Jimmy. Now maybe you should learn how to read. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

WWF Raw: The Colossal Beast
Get ready to rumble! Oh yeah, you know you're in for some deep, deep hurting when you rent a film where the 'star' is some slap-head who wears spandex and wrestles other spandex-clad slap-heads on national TV. Oh boy! But Stone Cold does have one thing in his favor - he's not Mr. T. And believe me, that helps. I'd like to say that there's a plot to this film, however, that would be exaggerating. Basically it's a remake of the classic sci-fi film "Super Giant Diapered Naked Fish Man On A Rampage" or as it's known by its original French title "Vite le Poisson Mange une Lutte de Phase D'oignon il à L'allumette au Sol de Camp". Stone Cold plays Crust Slankmeat an aspiring women's lingerie model and weasel wrangler. This innocent back-woods country bumpkin is seduced by the glamour and fame of weasel wrangling and soon starts falling in with the 'bad crowd' - the badger wranglers. These hardcore heavies ride mopeds and drink decaf cappuccinos after 3:00 PM. Crust is soon so under their spell he starts experimenting with the weasel chow and tests his creation on himself. Big mistake. Turns out that the badger wranglers spiked his weasel chow with plutonium as a joke. Now the grub is deadly. This doesn't bode well for Crust as he starts mutating into a diaper-wearing giant who likes to watch re-runs of the Golden Girls. Very chilling. I don't know where the fishman part comes in. And I'm lost on the diaper thing. Thanks heavens for Wild Turkey and Jeagermeister! Without them, I'd be too scared to come out from under the sofa. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Existential Exorcist
Ah the good people die first. But sadly most of the population is morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns. Too bad too, because I really could have used a break after watching this atrocity of a film and I think death would have been a sweet release. What is this movie about you ask yourselves? Existentialism, my friends. And we all know what that means: yes talking. Lots of talking. Talking about moral individualism and subjectivity. Talking about Nietzsche and Kierkegaard. Oh and angst. There's a lot of angst in this film. Why there's more angst in The Existential Exorcist than an entire season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. This film tries to do that 'horror can be funny' approach by throwing out some clever banter designed to keep the viewer from falling asleep. Since this movie is an endless ocean of words, having dialog meant to be clever is sort of a wasted effort. This film is like watching a Gilligan's Island Marathon after drinking 2 quarts of gin and consuming about 5,000 milligrams of Prozac. And believe me, you don't want to do that - take my word for it! I had to have my stomach pumped and I still have occasional hallucinations. Oh boy! Even still that was an experience far better than Wetem Guddle Brat's 'Existential Exorcist'. Who told this guy he could - or should - make movies? Egad what a freakshow this movie is. I haven't seen this much celluloid carnage since I saw that all horse production of Phantom of the Opera. The thin plot has something to do with a talky existential demon living in someone's toilet, but there really isn't much explanation on that whole thing and all that incessant babble was driving me crazy. It's like watching Captain Kirk talk another evil space computer to death. And to think I spent 2 hours watching this movie - that's 2 hours I could have spent drinking myself into an alcohol induced coma. Damn it! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Boobs
Let me start off by saying that this is Jason's favorite film of the group. He likes this film. Really. A lot. This adolescent fantasy/scare-fest is brought to us by the master of stupidity Alfredo HitchKook; he is previously known for his other mind-numbing celluloid products such as "Scabby Strangers on a Bus", "Carnie", "Dial D for Dork (Unless You Have a Touch-Tone Phone)", "Ver-toga", "Crippled Peeping Tom" and "I'm a Crazy- Ass Fat Guy With a Huge Ego". This movie stars intentional bocce ball champion and frequent organ donor Glib Farbag as a bag of dirt and Sloppy Punjab as giant cleavage. No lie. This guy plays an inert bag of wormy soil - you take one good look at this guy and realize that isn't a stretch by any means - and she stars as cleavage. Not that either of them can act their way out of a brown paper bag, but I digress. The plot centers on Sloppy's quest for eternal life and has endless close ups of large objects being sucked up into her cleavage. No not those kinds of objects, you bunch of perverts. Things like phones, coffee cups, pencil holders. She almost completes her quest until one of her silicon implants pops out and makes a run for it on its own, leaving poor Sloppy only a stapler to fend off the lynch mob. Glib meanwhile gets used as fertilizer. And as usual HitchKook makes a cameo - he's the filthy mime eating paste in the corner. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Son Of Frankenstein
Oh my it's Son of Frankenstein! How is this possible? Once again someone tries to milk the almighty cash cow that is the Frankenstein franchise. Unlike some of the other films, however, this one is far less successful. Some guy puts on a chef's hat and makes like the mighty breakfast king Frankenstein, but lacking the master's knack for creating delicious and malevolent morning meals of evil badness, ends up creating evil cold cuts instead. Oh the horror! Somehow an evil bologna on rye is not all that frightening. However the evil pimento loaf is. But then pimento loaf has always been evil. Brunch will never been the same. Oh no, now it's EVIL BRUNCH! This movie just doesn't live up to its potential. The music to Son of Frankenstein sounds like the rejected score from 105 Dalmatians - Welcome to the Vietnamese Restaurant. And every time somebody takes a body hit with some yummy, evil luncheon meat, the sound is akin to a jackhammer being used on a dead hamster. About as suspenseful as liquid soap, this film begins to freeze your nervous system with scene after scene of sausages cooking on a grill and steaming cups of blood tea. After viewing this for about half the film, you'll start to wish for sweet death. Atluck Smeeth plays the guy who would be Frankenstein. His previous job being that of the guy that gets shot out of the cannon at the circus. So basically becoming an evil fiend adept at the art of malevolence breakfast foods is really a step up in his career. Dwarf actress and professional Jell-O wrestler Bea Ash plays Son of Frankenstein's love interest, Yum Yum Ringhams, who was raised by wild hyenas in the Sahara. Will Smeeth become as evil as the former Frankenstein? Can Yum Yum get reunited with her hyena brethren? Is brunch really a good idea when it's so close to both breakfast and lunch? How pissed off is Aunt Jemimah going to get when she sees her pancake recipe has been stolen? And do any of us still care? Eeeek!