ELIAN
What could be more frightening than the story of young Elian? What indeed! How about the story of Elian set to music?  That's right – it's ‘Elian the Musical’. This true tale follows the exploits of little Elian, an evil fairy from the land of Lugarvermelhomaumásdecoisas whose sole reason for existence is to savor free enterprise, bring down the price of canned meat, create international irritation and erode the brains of TV viewers everywhere. What does this mean? It means that after watching this film you'll not only want to take little Elian out and pummel him with bags of rotting cheese, but you'll also want to hunt down his extended American ‘family’ and make them eat paste and sand. Best part of this film is the musical score. Composed by Yawn Villitbe Obersoon, each character is represented by a specific noise: listen for the sound of cash registers to represent little Elian, a screeching chimp as Janet Reno and the flushing of a toilet for Fidel Castro. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

End Of Gays
Why does Satan always seem to have difficulty killing people when it's absolutely necessary? Is there really some serious issue with eradicating flamboyantly gay billionaire playboy, Dibbov Quahog from the face of the earth? What, Satan doesn't know how to use a fully-loaded semi-automatic? And if you were to judge solely by this movie, you'd get the impression that Satan is one giant idiot. The fact that Dibbov runs around in a frilly pink ballerina costume, spouts gushy, romantic poetry at the drop of a hat, and calls everyone ‘Sweetie’ is enough to make ME want to hurt this guy. But all that aside, this movie is terrifying. And also unsettling in it's blatantly daring view of gay men pretending to be straight in their quest for conquering Satan's domain and turning the massive hordes of evil into flaming poofs. The fact that Satan doesn't want to have his vile minions suddenly turned into show tune singing hairdressers causes the Prince of Darkness to plot a sadistically malicious plot. His target is the head of the gay conspiracy, Dibbov. What ensures is a bloody battle of gay versus evil. The blood spattered fight scenes are graphically realistic. One such screen gem is a scene in which one of Dibbov devotees thrashes a lower demon with size 12 Gucci pumps while doing the entire last half of ‘Cabaret’ in mime. It's classic horror cinema at it best. And watch for a cameo appearance by none other than our very own Flagg, as an accident-prone homeless guy who always winds up under the wheels of a bus.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Freaky Friday The 13th
Freaky Friday the 13th is a movie about a mother, a daughter, and a psychotic mass murdering chimp named Lou. They all live in a delightful little house with a white picket fence, in a delightful neighborhood, in a truly delightful midwestern town. It's just delightful. Mother works as a dog food taster. Daughter is a delusional whack-o who believes she's part of the allied troops fighting the German Third Reich in WWII. And Lou just hangs around the house and watches Jerry Springer all day. Their lives are simply delightful. And dull. Yes, very, very dull. Then one delightful day, Lou snaps. Since this happens about halfway through the film, the audience must endure the torment of watching endless shots of Lou sitting on the couch drinking a can of frozen orange juice concentrate or daughter Scabby talking about building a blimp so that she can fight the Nazis. The truly scary thing here is that none of these hapless actors, including Lou the chimp, portrayed wonderfully here by drunken child actor Fizzbomb McStig, seem to have the slightest clue that they're participating in one of the most horrible pieces of cinematic dung ever made. You'd think that McStig, an international alcoholic child superstar, would have read this horrible script and known better than to play a festering killer primate. But perhaps he's illiterate. Or perhaps, seeing as he's still in third grade, he never learned rudimentary reading skills. Or, more plausibly, he's just too flagrantly drunk. Who knows? All I know is that I question the relevance of this movie.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I Know What You Did In My Bushes Last Summer
This story centers on a group of high school kids all in their mid 30s and what they did one night to Mr. Lardlumps’ rose garden. This films begs the question, why are there so many middle aged actors in Hollywood playing teenagers? And who really likes movies about projectile vomit? Beats this little monkey, but then, I digress. What passes for a plot here is this: kids go out and drink a concoction of gin, gasoline and Tang while singing the Mentos TV commercial theme. This somehow conjures up an evil imp, played here by deaf mute actor Shoddysnot Guggenscooter. About an hour later, they spew their guts out in Mr. Lardlumps’ bushes, covering his lawn in viscous, evilly enhanced vomit. Apparently conjuring up malevolent critters and puking up your lower intestines passes for fun in this sleepy midwestern town. But once again, I digress. The concoction of vomit and lower intestine comes alive while the malicious imp jumps around absurdly and makes grunting sounds. He has no real dialogue, seeing as he's a deaf mute. That's some really good attributes to have when you're a Hollywood star – not being able to hear or speak or act. Oh there I go again, digressing... Anyway, this movie, aside from being one of the most disgusting movies of this summer, is also one of the most upsetting. I mean if a crippled guy can make 2 million a movie, why can't a cute little monkey like me make that much? Oh sorry. I'm digressing again... 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Kiss My Ass E.R.
Before George Clooney single-handedly brought down the Batman franchise, he starred in this horrific tale of death, havoc and the undead. Kiss My Ass ER, indeed! This movie sure didn't help launch Clooney’s smirk laden career, although he is more believable in this role than, say, a giant slug would have been. Clooney plays Stalin Grubb, a former ER nurse, who, after a sex change operation goes on a rampage of criminal mayhem and murder. Graphic violence ensures. Grubb and his brother Stupid, played by village idiot Quimby Tormentino, stumble into a nasty bed and breakfast run by an ancient old hag, Rogaine, who also happens to be an amateur surgeon in her spare time. Her specialty is making blood flavored sugar cookies out of fresh human kidneys. Will Grubb and Stupid get out before she harvests their delicious kidneys? Do human innards really make scrumptious snack treats? And how do you tell a decrepit hag like Rogaine that she's not only been dead for a few thousand years but she's really lacking in the personal hygiene area? This movie answers all these questions and much, much more. Written by trained ferrets, and filmed entirely by chimps, this film is a paramount of terrifying suspense and horror. Check out my role as Rogaine’s evil monkey sidekick. I almost got an award nomination for best supporting monkey, but they don't have that category so I didn't get it. But if they did, man, I'm sure I'd win me a big-ass trophy! That's what I'm talking about!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Lake Passive
Lake Passive. Lake Boring. Lake Why-was-this-movie-ever-made? You'll be asking yourself this over and over again throughout this study in tormentation. Viewing this movie is like watching paint dry. Famous professional mannequin Grubsicle Flomaggly plays Flapjack Brambly, a stranger with parasites: Tapeworm to be exact. That's about the scariest thing in this movie – his intestinal vermin. After swimming in Lake Passive, Flapjack develops a bad case of tapeworm. You'd think he would have taken a look at the brackish water and said to himself, “Gee this water looks pretty unsavory”, but no. He's that much of an idiot. What else happens? Nothing! Written by novelist Poophiney Jeek, the writer with an 80 IQ, this movie is filled with more hack dialogue than a Drew Barrymore interview. Take these gems for instance: Flapjack’s girlfriend Hammi Cracklefak “I only want what's fair!” Flapjack “I'm not interested in what's fair. I'm only interested in things that make my head look bigger.” Uh huh. I've read more interesting banter off a cereal box. We haven't seen this much bad, hammy acting since Sylvester Stallone in Judge Dredd. Rent this one if you want to cure your insomnia.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Marty Shelby's Frankenstein
Little is known about Marty ‘Diaper Face’ Shelby, the late social leper and writer. And you know what? That's probably a good thing. Shelby tries to cash in on the Frankenstein franchise by throwing his two pennies into the pot. He is nowhere near as successful, although to his credit, this could have been a far worse movie than it is. I mean, this isn't as bad as Battlefield Earth – Shelby at least has that to his credit. Enter Frankenstein, the monster who made the most delicious breakfast foods this side of Aunt Jemimah, Queen of Pancakes. He has been resurrected by none other than Jason X, a radioactive, fanatical alien with a hankering for world domination. Like that's something new. We haven't seen an acting stretch like this one since Marlon Brando played a really fat guy. But nonetheless, Jason gives a spiffy performance as himself. Having irradiated Frankenstein back to life, Jason makes the monster go out and buy him some beer and a couple of salted nut rolls. But when Frankenstein enters the local 7-11 he is horrified to see that the Slim Jims all have expiration dates of January 1st, 1988. This sends Frankenstein into a fit of rage. After destroying the 7-11, he goes off in search of the remains of his shattered life. He tries to locate his old nemesis Aunt Jemimah in the phone book, only to be spotted by the neighborhood police who promptly open fire on his green ass. Upon running into a grocery store, Frankenstein animates the frozen waffles into deadly killing machines. As police fight off the quilted bread products, Frankenstein continues to work his treacherous ways by breathing life into all the breakfast treats thus creating lethal, homicidal devices of yummy breakfast goodness. When Jason finds out that not only is he not getting any beer and salted nut rolls, but that his Frankenstein monster has popped a cerebral membrane, he skips town in his shiny spaceship. Frankenstein is taken down with some fresh strawberry preserves and a flame-thrower and the town feasts on his bloated, fiendish remains for days.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Milk Carton Project
Her reputation is legendary. She is Spanky, Onionhead of the Everglades. Only fools cross her path. To experience Spanky’s wrath is to feel the power of the dark forces of the underworld as they make a giant pot of evil jumbo with lots of evil cayenne pepper. Sure, she looks cute. She looks harmless even. But that's just a facade for the fiery madness that engulfs the Spanky. But not everyone is bright enough to heed the dire warnings. After seeing Spanky’s really cute ‘Missing’ picture on that side of a milk carton, a trio of mentally challenged amateur (re: so bad they can't get any money) filmmakers journey to the swamps of Funnybone, Florida to track, and they hope, capture the elusive Spanky on film. Now let me just say that if I go into the murky swamps of the Everglades and I start hearing high pitched, unearthly screams from off in the distance, I'm not sticking around to find out the who, what, where scenario. Anyone who's ever seen a horror movie knows that. Self-preservation, that's where it's at, baby. But for some reason these morons not only stick around, they taunt Spanky by singing Spice Girls songs and mooning the camera. This movie stars Spanky as Spanky, and was directed by Protozoa Finch who was asleep during most of the filming. It is also one of the scariest, and cheapest, films this summer. Made with only $3.00 and a roll of duct tape, this movie makes Roger Corman’s films look over budget. I give it two thumbs up! Well, I would if I had opposable thumbs...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Pitch Back
An evil genius transfers his evil soul into a child's pitch back. One would hope that this is an accident, seeing how a pitch back is hardly the scariest of children's games. I mean, he could have transferred himself into one of those lawn darts things, or a water slide or an invisible dog with all those gross internal organs and stuff or something cool. But a pitch back? What kind of horror is that? So by doing this really stupid thing, evil genius Hammeup Dathorse proves that he's not really that much of a genius in the first place. Anyway, Dathorse has a plan that involves terrorizing children. I guess that means that a pitch back is capable of terrorizing kids. Especially kids who don't know how to throw a baseball. At least that was as close as I came to actually understanding what was going on. After about twenty minutes of listening to Dathorse laugh while the camera panned to a moose head mounted on the wall, I have to tell you, I just didn't know what was going on. And if I did, I think I might have been indignant. So while this was going on I got up and made myself a sandwich. It was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and boy was it really good. After that I took a nap. When I woke up Dathorse was still laughing only now he was the pitch back. Like a Venus flytrap he was gobbling up kids, but they kept getting stuck in the netting. This guy/pitch back thing is spitting out bone fragments and ingesting human flesh like Louie Anderson at a pie eating contest. There is more blood splattered and bones broken here than at a redneck wedding. Dathorse is only stopped when a pack of wild dogs urinates on him. Apparently he had taken every precaution except protecting himself against dog pee. While the buffoons in the movie believe that Dathorse is dead after being doused in puppy piddle, we the audience are left to believe that it's not over. Oh joy. Maybe next time Dathorse can come back as lump of cat litter. I can hardly wait for the sequel.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Stamos-itis
John Stamos. Just the name scares me half to death. John Stamos. He is a man whose singing is by far worse than his wretched acting. John Stamos. He who is so repulsively hideous that small children run from him. John Stamos. He scares me. He really scares me. John Stamos. If you say his name 12 times while spinning around in a circle really fast, you'll have visions of the devil. John Stamos. John Stamos plays John Stamos, a washed-up, talentless actor/pop star and a giant lump of fleshly Cro-Magnon soft tissue. After getting sticks thrown at him by local children, Stamos develops an evil plan to take over the world by turning the unwary populace of Hamburger Helper Village into exact duplicates of his sorry-assed self. The procedure is called Stamos-itis: a slow, painful tormentation that renders the victim dim-witted, rancid and incontinent. Stamos's evil plan is to let loose this horde of mutated freaks and go to Hollywood to jump-start his pathetic career. Not a small task considering just how deplorable his career was. The only one to catch onto this horrible plot is Hajji Flecks the illiterate owner of the local flea circus. Being that Hajji is a festering slab of pulpy flesh himself, the local authorities do not take him, or his highly trained and extremely sophisticated fleas, seriously. Its up to Hajji to make things right. The gripping final sequence where Hajji is pitted against a village full of Stamos beings is truly one of the most frightening in modern cinema. This is a true horror gem. And don't forget to check out the hauntingly groovy soundtrack by the Burning Kells.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Toastbusters
Toast has never been so sinister, so evil, so completely without conscious and so deadly! Witness the horror as yummy toast, oh so harmless to look at, oh so delicious to eat, mutine and begin wreaking havoc on the unwitting citizens of a small Canadian town. And what do you do when breakfast food turns ugly? Who will take care of the general populous when lightly cooked bread products go on a murderous rampage? Who are you going to call? Well, the doomed morons in this film called the Toastbusters. But not before scrumptious toasted goods broke into the local grocery store and liberated all the frozen foods. Not before the delightfully toasted bread smashed all the windows in the corner deli and freed every item of meat, cheese and produce. And what of all these foodstuffs? Well they where mad as hell upon their release and bent on destruction. This movie has vivid scenes of food-generated violence. Witness as tasty whole-wheat toast chases some elderly women down the street. Observe as deli meat accosts school children in broad daylight. See dairy products gone bad. Oh the madness! Oh the mayhem. By the time the Toastbusters get on the scene, things are looking pretty bleak. But have no fear! With sophisticated modern weaponry the Toastbusters go to work subduing first the minor food threats like ham and Vienna sausage. Then onto the bigger stuff – the frozen waffles and cans of juice concentrate. Until all that is left is the dreaded, yummy toast! Can the Toastbusters fry this Hell spawn toasted goodness into crumb filled oblivion? I almost couldn’t bear to watch. A deliciously decadent horror classic that's not for those with lactose intolerance.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Urban Outfitters
Once upon a time in the land of Dairy Queen, a group of insipid trolls make evil designer clothes. Why? Because they were tired of living under bridges and being repressed by ‘The Man’. Or at least that's what I got out of this very chilling movie about designer duds so evil, so wretched, so un-cool! Wear these garments and pay the price! A price that is extracted from victims with blood! Filmed in the scenic remains of the Chernobyl nuclear plant, this magnificent horror movie has some of the most terrifying and memorable special effects since ‘Frankenstein: The Man Who Made Awesome Pancakes’ (a true classic tale of horror). Brought to the big screen by Wozzle Clambake, the twisted mind who brought us such incredibly frightening fare as, ‘Rip Out Your Eyes for Satan’, ‘Do the Hokey Pokey for Satan’, ‘Satan and You’, and ‘I Lost My Car Keys’, this film is loaded with fine acting. Making a fashion statement was never so unbearably repulsive, so wickedly vile. Innocent looking trousers become filled with sharp, razor like teeth when put on. Sweaters of fluffy woof become nasty, blood sucking tourniquets of death! Worse still, when you wear these clothes, you'll be totally out of style. This movie is not for the faint hearted or the fashion impaired.