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ok, heres my story. we were all grooving and gyrating to the beat, and count chocula started to play the lp called dark side of the moon by pink floyd, and we all started to fall into a semi-hypnotic state, and when the cash register chimed we all woke up and then billie holiday told us to frisk the gila monster, and then we made big bird swim in fish fluid, and bert and ernies head were soaked in gasoline, then exposed to a flamethrower, and cookie monster started to chew on everyone, then the monkeys started to dance and i fell asleep, and when i woke up the fat dude lit one of my big farts on fire and i got propelled to the planetoid called pluto, and i met the chocolate starfish, and drank hot dog flavored water stuff, and i ate the starfish alive and then i had no food so i ate my own poo, which kept recycling those drugs that i took a long time ago, and ive been inhaling crystal dust stuff. okay so now im getting really sick and i need to get some help. ohhhh, ! so you are wondering how i could ever contact you on pluto. well, i have a computer here. now you ask me how i could have a computer. well i carved it out of a pluto rock with my fingernail. HEAR THAT! MY FREAKING FINGERNAIL! sorry, i lost control. okay so you guys are my only hope to be rescued so please call nasa and tell them to send sputnik over here and rescue me from the little green guys who keep biting me. you guys are just what im looking for. a nice little advice site. SO GIVE ME SOME FREAKIN ADVICE! sorry i lost my control over the cap lock key. please help. so now i have a question. okay here it goes. will you kiss my buttocks? please? ok, you wonder how i could ever contact you without phone lines. I HAVE A FREAKING MODEM ATTACHED TO MY FREAKING COMPUTER! UNDERSTAND? GOOD! my wireless modem will probably take over 30 years to reach you so keep in touch. as soon as you recieve this write back. my email adress is bgfrtmn@pluto.spc. well, i might be dead by the time ! you rescue me so tell them to rescue my corpse. it will probably be eaten by the green guys though. okay so remember to rescue me, or make nasa do it okay. okay bye. i said bye. GOOD BYE! FREAKING COMPUTER, I SAID GOODBYE! SO BYE! JEEZ!
the big fart man
Visitor submitted rambling story and forgot question.

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Lunch is the most boring meal of the day. Unless it comes to you in a frosted glass. With a little paper umbrella. And you drink it through a straw.  - Simian -  Does this mean that simian would like a potted meat ham jeely sandwich if it were liquefied and put in a frosted glass with straw and umbrella?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Don't know what "jeely" is.

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Why are people always  thinking that Yanni and John Tesh are interchangable? Yanni never went on Conan O' Brien.
Lucy
Too nauseated to answer question.

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OR TWO???!!!!???? What kind of ambivalent-manics are you guys, anyway!?!
Or two! HA!
Shmiley www.hotbot.com
Had no idea what in the hell this presumably drunk visitor was talking about.

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What, dear God, is the appeal of "O-Town" You may have heard their song, "Liquid Dreams" the annoying, but popular song about their wet dreams. Please tell me this will be the last boyband to hit the airwaves, because I don't think I can take listening to that horrible music anymore.
Lucy
Question had unusual stains on it.

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Who's next!!??!!
Shmiley www.ranting.homestead.com/topten.html
Visitor forgot to specify what "next" is.

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lady sasami is my hero. I thought I was a genious, but she is clearly my superior.
Tahmeekah Lahsheekah
Visitor forgot question.

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Why is reality TV fake?
Athena
Too busy watching reality TV to answer question.

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Are Trekkies really people, or just, hopefully,figments of our minds?
Athena
Question went where no man has gone before.

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Why is there a website about Professional Advice when it is NOT professional, nor advice?  Huh, Huh?
Athena
Question filed lawsuit against Porfessional Advice for malpractice.

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Is MrBob pissed off because he doesn't own the groovy 85 Nissan? I mean, Lighten up, dude. I mean, light one up. here, I got a few extras- shall we partaketh upon the marijuana stick?
CarNut
Rolled question up and smoked it.

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Hey Mr. Airplane! I'm going to open one BIG can of Whoop Ass on your tiny hiney! Your death threats aren't scaring me! I don't even own a freaking hat. Whoa, who's there? What's that noise? NO! Get away from me! Put that down! You don't want to do that! MY CHEST!  Ummmmmmm, Elvis, one last question, can you call the police and tell them that there is a man who has been stabbed with a red hot poker repeatedly in the chest by an unknown (Okay, I do know) person? Thanks.
Mr. Bob
Can of Whoop Ass wasn't really that big.

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Have you ever had trouble sleeping at night because you just knew that clowns were going to eat you?
Wild Bill http://members.fortunecity.com/wldbill/sporttapes.html
Clown ate question, then Elvis, followed by Simian.  Clown burned tongue on Jason.