I'm taking over the world, and I wondered if you'd like to subscribe to a magazine to contribute to my cause. Of course, once I am Omnipotent Lord And Master Of All That Breathes, I WILL have to kill you, so why not buy a magazine to save yourself a few hours of torture?
Dominius Take Over
Sure, as soon as my subscription to Weekly World News runs out. Getting killed sounds like fun! Will there be refreshments?
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Are there alot of kewl pictures in it? And can I have 10% off the cover price? You know, because I'm a monkey.
- Simian -
 

My friend Byron has a strange mark on his left eye. He said it was from his brother. I guess his brother put a spoon on the fire & held it on his eye lid. If he was a leprechaun, what would they call him? Will his eye ever heal?
Ivan
Ever hear the story of the little boy with the can of gasoline & the lighter? Well, it is too detailed to tell you in here, but let me say that when he became the dunking clown at "BARKUS CIRCUS" they used to call him Captain Squishy.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Well, he certainly wouldn't be called Lucky, that's for sure. Maybe Blinky or Dribble.
- Simian -
 

Is Simian blind?
Blonde
Only to human suffering. However I have also been known to see no evil.
- Simian -
Oh yeah she is! Like, one time we drove to Central America, and like, I let her drive my Volkswagon - and she went through 7 red lights & hit a mailbox, and then she decided it was no fun driving, so she... just let go of the wheel & crawled over me & sat down next to me! Try explaining that to a cop as the Jaws of Life are setting you free only to be placed in handcuffs! Don't believe her!!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

How long does it take a mile-long train moving at 60mph to go through a mile long tunnel? My uncle who is drunk most of the time said it takes six days, but I doubt this. Please answer so I can set my uncle straight.
dr. poorboy
Dear poorboy, The length of time traveled by a mile long train thru a mile long tunnel all depends on what kind and how much alcohol you've consumed while riding said train. If you drink several (8) glasses of Jim Beam (and who doesn't?) then it will take a few days before you see the end of the tunnel. However, if your drinking a couple of cans of crappy domestic (swill) beer, then the end of the ride will not come soon enough. The point of all of this is poorboy, your uncle is drunken git.
- Simian -
 

What's God's hand-writing like? Is it really messy? I would think that it is seeing as how busy he must be. Does he have hand-grenades? Does he have hands?
Jacob
God works in mysterious ways, Jacob, most often while holding a can of Coors light. He also writes his name in vegitation with Agent Orange. Ever play Doom?
- Elvis Shortliver - 
God and heavy artillery, huh? Yes, yes indeed god has hand grenades, semi-automatic rifles, submachine guns, and ground-to-air missiles. Don’t believe me? Well, you can always die and find out. PS Jacob - do we look like we’re dead?
- Simian -
 

Why are Mondays so bad????????
tuesday
Because that's when the gnomes in my head start telling me to clean my gun collection.
- Simian -
Because that is when I have to go to my meeting with my sample & hope they don't find anything in it from the weekend.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

By the time you answer this, I'll already be on vacation. I just want to know, how am I doing? Am I having a nice vacation?
Raven
Dear Raven, 
Aside from you sitting next to a talky mutant circus dwarf on the airplane, leaving your travelers checks on the kitchen table, and being stalked by a smitten chimp named Peanut, you are having a really groovy time in Love Canal.
- Simian -
Raven, Turn around and see where you have been. Were you actually there? Did you really go on vacation? You may just be dreaming that you are on vacation. My advice to you is this: take a vacation.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Do mimes make noise when you run over them?
Jason
I’ve conducted some research into this; and, alas, so far mimes do not make any COHERENT noise when run-over. However I will continue in my tireless (actually I do have tires - big ones) effort to find the truth. For as we all know, the truth is out there.
- Simian -
Simian made me throw a mime in front of a tractor trailer yesterday. Why do you guys make us answer these questions? Don't you know that we have feelings too? I could barely walk home afterwards, my stomach hurt so bad from all that laughing. Oh you are so mean!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Why do you keep calling everyone a "gay frenchman?" Is that some new jive expression or does it denote faux /fairyish tastes? I bet you've never even met a gay frenchman.
Etienne Michel "Ursule" Gautreau
It all depends on what you mean by ‘gay’. Are we talking ‘gay’ as in gay, frolicsome, gay, and convivial? Or as in just gay? Now, while the French may indeed be easy targets one must realize that they too can be gay, as in gay, but they need not be forever gay, since you don’t necessarily have to act gay all the time to everyone you met even if you are truly gay. I mean, the capital of France is after all called Gay Parie.
- Simian -
I AM NOT GAY! I TOLD YOU THIS ALREADY! OK, SO I LIKE CHOCOLATE WAFFLES! SO WHAT? DO YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH? GAY PEOPLE BRUSH THEIR TEETH TOO! SO DOES THAT MAKE YOU GAY???
- ELVIS SHORTLIVER! -
 

You seem to me like national a socialist! When I meet you at the parking lot, then your things become the Sheis! (I think your a nazi, when I lake you into the parking plumb bob, your thing is sh*t!)
Helmut
Unrecht! They forgot to say " which are ". Additionally last week was NAZI week, goes repairing me now some pancakes!
- Short Circuit Elvis Liver - 
Ampere-hour young and rotated Helmut. They are rotting like sour milk in the sun. They are a laxitive, which fills out the colon. But as I came to interest me in you. Now you throw down you semiautomatic weapon and kiss you me like a fool. I am Monkey!
- Simian -
 

Is there really a Chef Boy-R-Dee? Is he Sicilian?
protozoa
I don't know. However, too many Spaggetti-O's will make most people think that they are Sicilian.
- Simian - 
Not sure, but there is a man down the street from me named Captain Boy-M-I-Portugese. He is not Sicilian.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

DO YOU WANT TO SMOKE MY CRACK?????
Carnut
What a great name for the PBS children’s TV special I am working on. It’s all about a 5 year old drug lord and his pre-school underlings. Oh the wacky antics they get into!
- Simian -
Hee Hee - I LOVE portugese nursery rhymes!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Dear Mr. Shortliver,
I'm sorry you don't want to take the job at Wisconsin University Fondue University Wisconsin (WUFUW, our motto is: "we are the world's only 5-letter palindrome university") in the Department of Hot Pokers Sure Do Motivate Students. I don't know why they said I recommended you to be toilet scrubber at Taco Bell (their motto is: "yo quiero no crapo en bollo de toileto"). What do they pay? Probably more than us?
Eustacia VanDerburg-VanderBerg, PhD
Yeah I really wanted that job at WUFUW - I am great at palindromes too (Poop was on Bob? No! ...saw poop...) - but at Taco Bell, I can show off my excellent skills at taking orders from Mr. Lardlumps.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Dear Dr. Simian,
Yes you may teach a class about "the direct correlation between Twinkie filling on the structural integrity of quantum mathematics." for WUFUW. I find the paradigmatic shift, vis-a-vis the neo-Twinkie versus post-modern-Ding-Dongs scenario was cautiously and adeptly represented in moisture resistant packaging created from coconut hulls by the Professor on Gilligan's Isle. I look forward to your insightful views on this topic from your well-respected structuralist modelling.
Eustacia VanDerburg-VanderBerg, PhD
More on this topic suggests that there is a uninterrupted correlation with the repellent anatomical nature of powdered vanilla pudding and the flagrantly delicious character of Devil Dogs. This might insinuate that the pudding should first be mixed into a frothing lather of creamy puddingness before using it on said Devil Dogs. However, this brings up a troubling question; if that inane Professor from Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of coconuts, why the heck couldn't he build a freakin' raft? What's up with that?
- Simian -
 

Get this you guys ... I'm related to BOTH my Mom and Dad .... amazing isn't it?
gor the wonderful
Actually, it’s even more amazing that, before they married, your Mom and Dad were already related to EACH OTHER! You shouldn’t be surprised, though. I understand inbreeding is rather common for simpletons; as is cannibalism and bestiality.
- Simian -
Yes!!!!!!! But isn't it time for you to go eat your oatmeal?
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Do you approve of my bumper sticker? It says if you don't like my driving call 1-800-EAT-SH*T
anonymous
Do you think it may be a little to subtle? Maybe you could have one that says, "If you don't like my driving, I'll beat the stuffings out of you with a dead hampster".
- Simian -
Well, in case ya didn't know by now, that number doesn't work, and I'm not gonna fall for it again!!! Personally, I like IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, GO BEAT UP MY GRANDCHILDREN
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

If a tree falls in the woods and the person there is clapping with one hand, would anybody hear anything ? Would anybody care about the death of another tree or a poor one-handed guy? Do you care? Do I care if you care or not? Sorry ... I guess that was four questions ... just pick your favorite to answer.
Pablo
The tree represents your mother. clapping with one hand is your homosexual desires being repressed. Everybody hears this, but nobody cares unless it involves a sporting event or winning the lottery. Me? What about you? Do you care? Do I care if you care or not? And don't respond with "I asked you first" this is my page, dammit!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
You know Pablo, like you, I too enjoy a good belt (or six) of bourbon before lunch. Because Jim Beam CARES - about your liver.
- Simian -
 

OINK OINK OINK
BWWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHH!
SNORT SNORT
PIG
(Picking up the fying pan and an axe) Good Babe .... good Babe.
- Simian -
I give up - Charles Manson's ill-fated attempts at creating palindromes? Or is it Ned Beatty at a casting interview???
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Can you tell me if there are any circumstances when rectal bleeding is normal? l seem to have developed this problem after a lawn dart accident. Would removing it or leaving it in make it worse?
stevie w
I didn't mean it! I didn't mean to do it! Now my mom's really mad at me. I'm sorry.
- Snaggletooth - 
I can't remember how many times I had to pull a Lawn Dart out of my wacky brother Alfredo (he likes to be called Pelvis, he's insane). Maybe you should take up a safer sport, like 'laying-on-the-ground' or 'sitting-in-the-chair'.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

I hyav a prmble,m. mY mmmmmotor slllllillss aaamrn tmy alll mESSBD UP!! ! HOW DOOOOOOJE KI MAKLWit stopp!?
njukkkk ME!
Ram your head into the monitor a few times! Then bash your fists on your keyboard REALLY HARD! Then climb on the roof - and jump in the chimney! Maybe THAT will give ya somethin' to think about!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Apparently CarNut has a great deal of crack that may help you control your muscle spasms. And, if your lucky, CarNut may just sex-you-up because he’s one phat, fornicating, dope freak! Proper!
- Simian -
 

Would it be wrong to walk on the set of the teletubbies with an assault rifle screaming "BYE BYE, PO, BYE BYE LAA LAA, TAKE THAT TINKY WINKY, YA WANT SOME DIPSY?"
anunomis
Amazingly I see absolutely nothing wrong with this scenario. Except for not mentioning the part where you repeatedly stab those mutant Teletubbies whilst they lay in their own blood and vomit, writhing on the floor in freakish misery.
- Simian -
Nobody gets in the way of my Tubby Toast! Put up yer dukes, Buster!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

I once read that the only piece of absolute knowledge obtainable by man is the fact that life is meaningless, but I don't remember where. Can you tell me who originally said or wrote such a thing? (I know it's not from The Bible or Shakespeare.) Can you also tell me whether it is true or false, and explain your answer? Thanks, pals.
The Anti-Yanni
I ain't no Einenstein or nuthin' - but I do believe when Hitler was baking raspberry tarts, a ritual he did nearly every Saturday morning in between "Pendelgebäckherausforderung" and "Die Wundervolle Welt von Ekeln Teddy Trägt", he liked to make up his own nursery rhymes. His most famous ones were "Drei Blinde Mäuse" "Knall geht das weasel" "Londonbrücke fällt hinunter" and "The only piece of absolute knowledge obtainable by man is the fact that life is meaningless."
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Mmmmm, while I’m a little unsure how pancakes apply to this question, I'd say Mrs. Butterworth is going to have a lot of explaining to do...
- Simian -
 

I've been sucking on this aniseed lollypop for a week now, and now it's starting to take the shape of a human skull. The question is, do I mount it around a circle of candles as a sacrifice to the ants who have constantly pestered me for it at night, or do I just eat the damn thing?
jamjars
Work on it for a few more days. See if you can suck it into the shape of Jesus. Then put human blood all over it & call Jimmy Swaggart. Tell him that you licked Jesus!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Egad jamjars! I don't mean to question your social life or anything, but exactly why have you been sucking on this thing for a week? I'd advise againt seeing Jimmy Swaggart; he'll try to pass you a $50 while asking you to demonstrate your technique.
- Simian -
 

Can I borrow Simian?
someone you know
Borrow me?? I don’t know; last time Elvis lent me out I was almost dissected in a high school science project and he ended up jail for illegally using pancakes. Monkey no like.
- Simian -
Simian won't let me do that anymore, however, you can surely borrow Mr. Lardlumps. He does a smashing vaudeville act, dressing up like a dead George Burns on the left side, and an even deader Gracie on the right. Unfortunately, his jokes are limited to bathroom humor and racial slurs, making his performance unlike no other. 
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

I've been asked to write a weekly column for the local preschool newspaper (they're very progressive). I need a wacky pen name so no one will know it's me. So far, I've come up with "Tilde Delimiter" and "Curly Brackets". Any other suggestions?
Big Ed
How about Ed O'file? Kitty Porn??
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Well Big Ed, after watching 2 1/2 hours of Teletubbies (unfortunately, this is true), I can tell you those little buggers don't have an attention span long enough to CARE what your pen name is. As long as you dress in a lumpy, garishly colored, grotesquely padded, androgynous, terrycloth costume and basically act like a COMPLETE IDIOT, then those little drooling freeloaders will love you. Er, fine. Call yourself Iggy Wompa and hit yourself over the head with vinyl records. You may even get a TV show out of it.
- Simian -
 

Why did Waldo Jefferson have to die?
The Anti-Yanni
Because he found out the secret ingredient in Spam -- mimes.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Six year olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat.
- Simian -
 

Is it considered poor etiquette to beat your golf buddy mercilessly with your 5 iron, and run over his unconscious body with the golf cart for laughing at a bad shot?
Jason
Easy there, Jason! Think POTATO-GUN We need more yummy love in this world - this cannot be achieved by poor sportsmanship. Next time, turn to him & give him a big hug. Then tell him that you love him. After he kicks your ass, THEN beat him mercilessly with your 5 iron, and run over his unconscious body with the golf cart - just for fun!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
That depends … is your golf partner OJ Simpson? Actually, bloody violence in golf is considered remarkably keen etiquette, no matter who your partner is. That’s is why golf is so popular.
- Simian -
 

Hey, aren't marmosets really squirrels!?! You used me, Shortliver!!!
Gregg (scary squirrel world)
A squirrel? No, but I'm starting to think I'm a blueberry muffin and Elvis is a short stack of pancakes. Will you teach me to read?
- Simian -
Damn! My little secret is out! Those flat, dead things on the road are really MONKEYS!!!.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Am I really the Lord Of The Dance? I mean, I dance around with no shirt and a bandana ... so am I The Lord Of the Dance?
GOR!!
Um, sounds like you are more like The Lord Of The Flies. Just keep on dancin' & stay away from Piggy.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
So you dance around naked save for a bandana, huh, Gor? Have you ever thought of a career in hairdressing?
- Simian -
 

What do you think the best approach would be to get my army of squirrels ready for the conquest of the world? Should I use the traditional "drill seargeant" method, or would a different idea (i.e. the Yoda take on training) be better?
Bryan
Squirrels respond great to the music of Yanni. You, however, may wish to bash your head against the wall until you see little dancing monkeys swirling about your head. Yanni's music has been known to cause sane people to eat their own limbs. But it sounds like that won't be a problem for you.
- Simian -
Depends on how you are planning out this evil scheme - are you gonna bomb the military command units with ACORNS? Was that YOUR squadron that bombed my car last week?? All those squirrels wearing bottlecaps on their tiny heads! Their tactics were so successful that i ran out into the road & got hit by a car!
- Elvis Shortliver -