What mall did you get that ratface Santa at? The mall of Afganistan?
Hempy
No, we got our freaky, red-faced Santa at the Chernobyl Emporium, right next to the Rudolph the Nuclear Waste Reindeer. We don’t advise sitting on this Santa’s lap too long as it may make you sterile. Of course, for some of you that’s not a bad thing.
- Simian -
Now you shant be worried bout Mister Claus, young Hempy. Twas a damp, cold night last February when I first met 'im, shivering in the cardboard box I was living in. After he bound & gagged me, he put me in his sack where I met Weeble & Admiral Crunch, and he wisked us away to the North Pole where we made toys for all the good little boys & girls of the world!
- An Elf Named Toofies -
 
 

WHY RED? YOU CULDA HAD ANY OTHER COLOUR BUT NOOOO YOU HAD TO CHOOSE RED DIDNT YOU?!?! Penutbutterjelly Since that little near miss with the Boeing 747, Santa switched to red so he'd be easier to see.  Of course, now countries that harbor terrorism lob rocket propelled grenades at him every year he flies over. - Weeble the Elf -

A holiday haiku  by Simian T. Marmoset Holiday wishes Hasslehoff is like canned ham See us drink much beer

Okay, this is my only question. What in the world is that animated graphic  unter santa's purple head? It's so weird and while I've been staring at it for almost three hours now, I still have no idea. So if you can tell me, it would be much appreciated. THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!!
Mrs. CHiPs
Faa-laa-laa-laa-laa - ok, the garland's up. Phew - What is that SMELL? Is something burning?? Hmm. Let's see what's left in the box of decorations. Hey, where's the mistletoe? Wha.. Mrs. Chips!!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Ho ho ho?
Whinny Hopalong
No way, not this year.  Do you know how hard it is for an alien to post bail?
- Jason -
Not on my side of the street sister! Big lump of coal for you!
- Mohammad -
 

All I want for Christmas is my to left fingertips.
FLAGG
Every year you ask him for that, and every year Mister Claus threatens to take a third one, but he never would. He's a good man deep down inside. That's why he started the F.F.F.F. (Fingertip Fund For Flagg) - He really does see you when you're sleeping, though Mister Claus doesn't let that bother him too much.
- An Elf Named Toofies -
That’s what we all want for Christmas FLAGG – your fingertips. Now move your handi-capable hinder over to the ‘fridge and get us more frozen blueberry Schnapps.
- Simian -
 
 

Christmas is for squares and priests. Mr. Bob So you'll be celebrating this year then? - Elvis Shortliver - Oh criminy! Looks like another one on the ‘naughty priest list’! No Christmas for you Mr. Bob Stinky Pants! - Gurgle -

A holiday haiku  by Simian T. Marmoset Once an elf was he Elvis fired by Santa Damn minimum wage!

Why the hell do you use reindeers? Ever heard of cars?
**lemon**
Do you have any idea how stupid Santa would look pulling a sled with a 1975 Chevy Impala?
- Weeble the Elf -
Mister Claus doesn't like to talk about it, but Mister Claus lost his license to drive on a night... a silent night... a night when disaster struck. Twas Christmas Eve & not a flake of snow to be found. Mister Claus was very very upset, stressed, and depressed, for he couldn't land the sleigh on wet grass. All day long he sipped from his flask & paced his workshop. Finally, it was time to go, and Mister Claus was highly inebriated. He commanded us elves to load all of the toys into his Range Rover & off he went at great speed, swerving & weaving out of sight. It was nearly an hour past when Misses Claus took off in the sleigh, bail money in hand. To this day, we are not aloud to talk about it in the Workshop, and Misses Claus now does all the driving.
- An Elf Named Toofies -
Hey don’t give that giant dictator Cringle any more crack pipe smoking ideas. It’s not like we elves don’t already work in a sweatshop! And do you really want all those darn reindeer collection unemployment and watching Jerry Springer all day? It would be a tragedy I tell you! A tragedy!
- Eegit-
 

I want to find happiness, good grades, and true love under my Christmas tree Christmas morning. If that isn't possible, just leave old Earth Wind and Fire albums there instead. Thanks again, oh purple head!
Lucy
Strangely, we found some old Earth, Wind, & Fire albums in the back of the supply closet at Wacky Advice.  This year, I've asked for a strobe light and a groovy disco ball from Santa so I can enjoy them the way it was intended.  I've also asked for a white leisure suit with bell bottoms and sequins up the sides.
- Jason -
 

What is the meaning of christmas?
Daddy stumbles in late from his office party, drunk from endless shots of Peppermint Schnapps & Egg-Nog, trips over the presents (which were layed out with contempt by Mommy, who waited up for Daddy until midnight) and passes out next to the Christmas tree just before he pees himself. Surprise!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What does a guy have to do round here for a second chance?
llarson
Donate a  lung to Santa.  All those years of pipe smoking have taken a horrible toll.
- Weeble the Elf -
Nothing says Happy Freaking Holidays like sending us freshly minted C notes. Barring that, we could always use a few extra kidneys. They look snarly floating in the eggnog.
- Simian -
 

What would you do with one million yaks? If the answer is eat them with, or without butter?
Yakman
Mister Claus uses yak milk to make golden egg nog which he supplies to the dairy industry every holiday season. If you twist me arm, I might just tell you how Mister Claus makes it golden.
- An Elf Named Toofies -
 
 

Where did the little drummer boy get his drum? It's not like drums grow on trees in the desert. Charlie He made it from the flesh of all the innocent people he killed. - Jason - Oh look! It’s another slack-jawed mouth-breather. Welcome to holiday hell, Chuckles! - Dreary -

A holiday haiku  by Simian T. Marmoset Simian drink lots Oh wonderful holidays! Did you see my drink?

What the hell is Quanzaa?
Mr Chips
I think it's an Australian airline.  They have a very good safety record too.  Except for that time they almost collided head-on with Santa.
- Weeble the Elf -
 

Could you please kindly stop putting lumps of coal in my stockings and under my tree?  It would be greatly appriciated.
Lady Sasami
I'm terribly sorry Miss Sasami, but it is a long ride from the North Pole, and Mister Claus, well, he doesn't make pit stops, and he's very insistant on us not using his client's latrine. That is why us elves don't eat much fiber near the holidays, and for that I hope you're thankful, because it could be terribly worse.
- An Elf Named Toofies -
You know, answering questions for these derelicts at Wacky Advice is part of my probation. How was I to know that mistletoe was a controlled substance? So I get busted for possession with the intent to distribute. That’s a class C felony! It doesn’t help that I was driving an uninsured reindeer. Dasher never mentioned that little fact. Stupid reindeer.
- Frank -
 

Is Santa real, or should I be concerned that late into the wee hours a man creeps quietly into my house?
Boo Radley
I SWEAR I didn't take ANYTHING! I just wanted to see what was in your freezer. The Magical Christmas Bologna is missing again. You should clean it out, by the way.
- Elvis Shortliver -
I don't worry anymore since I've installed the Burglincinerator 9000.  Anyone setting the alarm off is reduced to ash in just a few seconds.  It makes cleanup a breeze!
- Jason -
With our state-of-the-art satellite technology El Santa can spy on you all year round! So we know all about that ‘incident’ with the grease gun and potato. El Santa breaking into you’re house is the least of your problems this year.
- Admiral Crunch -
 
 

Santa! Do you like nougat? I LOVE it!! I also like white chocolate but not as much. It get's dirty fast, and doesn't float so well. I can make you some nougat if you get me a new bike. Would you like that, Nougat-Man?? Keep knockin them kids! Happy Holidays & to all a good nacht!
Jared
Christmas on a cracker! What are you smoking dude?
- Simian -
 

Hello... did u know that if u rearrange the letters of 'Santa' it spells 'Satan'??? Coz I discovered that the other day and I thought that it was worth sharing!!!
Poodelypoo
Yeah, and there's a real fine line between a little guilt from Mom for buying her a lime green sweater, and, say, eternal hellfire & endless torture. Satan takes on many, many forms.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Did you know if you take the first letter of the name of each month starting at July and go through november, you get Jason?  Pretty freaky huh?  It would seem coincidental, but in fact, it's just the result of Jason X traveling back in time and screwing with the whole calendar naming thing.
- Weeble the Elf -
 
 

Following the suggestion at the bottom of the page, I have censored myself. Now I can not speak except to say "Why?" I sound like a 5 year old. Why? q0dr What does this question have to do with Santa? I think you and Mrs. Claus have been spending too much time playing reindeer games, if you know what I mean. Which if you do, please explain it to me, as I haven’t a clue as to what I’m talking about right now. - Simian -

A holiday haiku  by Simian T. Marmoset Strings of Christmas lights Cover Jason all around Happiness blinking

Who actually celebrates Qwanzaa?  Why is it that I'm always forced to do things so that the minority group of people is satisfied?  I just wanna celebrate good old fashioned CHRISTMAS.
Mr Chips
FYI, Mr. Chips, Kwanzaa's daddy was Dr. Maulana Ron Karenga, who thought it up in a drug induced haze on December 26, 1966. If you follow Nguzo Saba, you will finally be connected to African cultural identity, provide a focal point for the gathering of African peoples, and reflect upon the Nguzo Saba that have sustained Africans. So get out your Nguzo Saba decorative plate, pop open a bottle of Zima, tap on a bongo, and stop your whining about Christmas! It's the new milenimum now!
- Elvis Shortliver -
I don't recall Congress creating any new legislation that permits police to force citizens at gunpoint to celebrate Kwanzaa?  You'd be wise to embrace it, if enough people celebrate, it might become another national holiday and you know what that means:  One less day to work!
- Jason -
 

*Throws holliday cheer in your FREEKIN FACE*
Big Bird
Ahh the "holiday cheer in the face" routine! Us elves really get fiesty when Mister Claus chases us around the meadow, hands full of holiday cheer! Once upon a time, Mister Claus caught me by the straps of me trousers & shoved a huge pile of holiday cheer right up me nostrils. Oh weee! Laughed, we did.
- An Elf Named Toofies -
 
 

Will you spank me? I have been so naughty. asdf Spank you?  Why Sure!  Santa gave us plans for the Spank-O-Matic 1000 for naughty boys and girls!  It's got 24 spiked paddles that oscillate at over 300 RPM.  I could turn your ass to jelly in about 2 minutes! - Weeble the Elf -

A holiday haiku  by Simian T. Marmoset Santa down chimney Word up fat jolly Santa Illegal entry

Santa this year I decided that the best gift I could possibly have would be the joy of giving you a present so I have the perfect mathematical formula that proves all kids are evil. See this way you do not need to even the the warm confines of the North Pole.This will allow you to have a break from the monotony of your one day a year job. We know that children take a lot of time and money So, children = time * money. We also know that time is money so, time = money. This means that, children = time * money or money^2. Now assume that money is the root of all evil or, money = (evil)^1/2, so to get rid of the root of evil we must square both sides so we get money^2 = evil. So now we have children = money^2 and money^2 = evil so therefore children = evil. See how easy that is. Now Santa you can just relax this Christmas hell every Christmas from here on out. I hope you enjoy my gift to you.
FLAGG
Uh, thanks? I hope you kept the receipt.
- Simian -