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A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere,) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

Big Tad's First Christmas
Born on a cold blustery Boston morning, Antonio Anastasios Bantino was the first and only child of Rosetta Carlucio Bantino. He was a beautiful baby boy, lucky enough to be born in the Bantino Mansions, home of the alleged mob boss Antonio Tarantino Bantino. Young Antonio (or Tad as his Godfather called him) was a very quiet boy. Although his father was a generous man, he rarely gave Tad any attention. Work for the older Antonio was a round-the-clock event, and being a mob boss never left enough time for his family. Tad was only 10 when a major tragedy struck that winter. 

After a very large business meeting, Antonio Sr. never showed up at home. His body was never found, but his possessions were returned to the family. Tad received his father's pocket watch, his lucky lighter, cuff links, cigar snipper, and his father's gold pinky ring. This ring was Tad's proudest possession, symbolizing the tie between him and his Dad.  He never took it off. His mother, desperately trying to hold the family unit together, made every day Christmas for the next five years. A new tree was brought in each morning fully decorated. (Except Sundays for they went to Church, and then had Sunday dinner with their Nonny) Santa became young Tad's father figure, each morning being a delight opening presents. Finally, after five long years, Rosetta, Tad's mother, became exhausted of the idea, and abruptly stopped. Christmas, like his father, had been taken away. Tad went into a furious rage and has never spoken since. 

Although mute for many years, Tad has been able to hold his job at the Kitty Cat Lounge, the roughest, fisticuffian bar on the east coast, long enough to receive his 30th Christmas bonus. Each nite before returning home, he stops off at the cemetery to visit his father, and to the market to pick up groceries for his mother.

Merry Christmas
 
 
 

Ladeeda
A HAIKU ---
Christmas is here now...
That doesn't matter to me,
Because I'm Jewish.
 
 
 

FLAGG
Remember the Christmas we hog tied santa and sent him down the chimney head first with a fire burning below..... man that eggnog really starts to smell when it is used to extinguish a fire. But it is times like that that make Christmas great!
 
 
 

Whinny Hopalong
Well one year Mandy Skipsalot (hey girl!) and I were at elf camp. Ya know, where you learn to be an elf? the little god forsaken things that have funky ears and all? Well we were learning how to be dentists (something some gay dude named Herbert or something started a long time ago) and this suicidal iguana launched itself off of the tin roof. I think it watched one too many Barney reruns. And then me and Mandy made Christmas cookies... but that's another story.
 
 
 

"Christmas" on Xramulatz by Jason
I thought the approaching winter solstice and the varied religious practices normally observed around this period would be a good time to educate you, the readers on similar practices on Xramulatz:

On my home planet, we celebrate an event called Cramitshs on the 14th day of Horkshug, in honor of Cramit, an ancient philosopher.  It is believed that many centuries ago, Cramit slipped while trying to wrestle a slugsponge (sort of a giant purple oozing plant with small tentacles) into the back of his wagon to take home for experimentation.  He landed face up with the slugsponge on top of him where it slowly began to suffocate him.  As he lay there dying, he suddenly had a magnificent vision of giant city with bright lights where none of the inhabitants ever worked, and visitors were given food and intoxicating drink in exchange for large sums of money that were collected by complicated machines.  The visitors would be sent away poorer but well fed and hungover.  Some visitors in their euphoric states would enter small buildings where they would be joined as mates until the male visitor invariable regained sobriety, nulled the joining, and subsequently lost 50% of his belongings.  Cramit called this city Sal Sagev. 

Then he suffocated to death.  At that moment, a traveler happened across Cramit and revived him by poking him repeatedly with a blunt 3 pronged jabunit (basically a cattle prod)  As Cramit regained consciousness, he saw detailed technical schematics for a hyperdynamic graviton propulsion unit capable of propelling ships at several times the speed of light.  It was later believed that Cramit had somehow intercepted an email transmission between two advanced civilizations several light years apart on either side of Xramulatz.  He quickly returned home and scribbled the schematics in his diary.  Cramit crafted and obtained parts to build the device he had envisioned, and after nearly 20 years, his project was complete. 

On the eve of the 14th day of Horkshug, he started the device which immediately began to lift off.  Unfortunately, Cramit had unknowingly screwed his shirtsleeve to the access panel for the device and began to lift off with it.  In desperation he clawed at anything he could find.  The nearest object happened to be a slugsponge (OK, Cramit had some kind of weird fetish with slugsponges) which he grasped tightly.  The last time the residents of his village saw Cramit, he was zipping across the sky clinging desperately to a slugsponge screaming "Aviv Sal Sagev" which loosely translated means "Here's to drunken regrets".

These days, we celebrate Cramithshs by building rudimentary hyperdynamic graviton propulsion units, strapping elaborately decorated slugsponges to them, and sending them flying into space on the eve of the 14th day of Horshug as we chant "Aviv Sal Sagev!".
 
 
 

Mandy Skipsalot
One time... at Elf camp with Whinny Hopalong... I stuck a Christmas Cookie.... oh, wait, you don't wanna hear bout that do you?
 
 
 

Lucy
My friend and I ordered pizza and just chilled. It's not very interesting, but I known her for six years, and she's one of the most supportive and loving people I know. It was nice to see her again, since she lives 2,000 miles away from me now.
 
 
 

Wild Bill
Okay, this is a true story: one year I was completely disenfranchised with Christmas, and I waited until Christmas Eve and still didn't buy anyone a present.  That evening, an angel named Clarence visited me and showed me what the world would be like if I never got anyone Christmas presents.  Everyone was upset, no one ever wanted to call me, and Christmas Carolers kept stealing the Baby Jesus from my 2:1 scale nativity in my front yard.  Then it hit me: I never get presents for anyone ever, and this is exactly what the world's really like.  Clarence, in a huff, left mumbling something about urinating in my breakfast cereal.  As I stood on my porch and watched the snow fall and my Baby Jesus get carried off, one of the kid carolers turned to her dad and said "Teacher says, every time a bell rings, there's a moron standing outside K-Mart with a bucket wanting money."  True story.
 
 
 

It's a Wonderful Christmas Story on 34th Street (amended)
by Wild Bill
Um, actually I DO have a correction to make on last week's story. Seems the carolers actually were making off with one of the shepherds that year, and NOT the Baby Jesus. And the angel wasn't named Clarence. He was in fact named Simian.
 
 
 

Diamond Dog
Once upon a Christmas dreary,
as I shopped weak and weary.
There a came a cracking, 
as if someone loudly snapping, 
snapping up my credit card.
I shalln't spend, anymore.
 
 
 

CarNut
I remember back in the day when I would run outside in the freezing cold christmas morning stark naked just to see if santa arrived. When He didn't and the cops did, I was stuck hiding behind a Buick. When I got home, my gifts had been unwrapped and turned into a satanic and destructive arrangement. this is what I get for asking for Some C4 and an ounce of Mary J
 
 
 

Bailey
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Everyone was high, Even the mouse. All the coke mirrors were set on the table with care, in hopes some white stuff would soon arrive there. This is my story, I'm high as a kite, and if you are too, enjoy the rest of your flight.
 
 
 

Ladeeda
Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Happy Kawanza. Great Ramadan. DID I MISS ANY THING??????!!!!!!! Good. Now I can tell you my story. One day When we were lighting the Chanukah menorah, I came too close and lit my dress on fire. Is that funny? Well what if I told you that my BF was there and he dumped me the next day??? Still funny??? Well, (I gotta ask a question.) WHat would be an good way to have my revenge. However mean or nasty is totally acceptable. wait, I have to end with a question, don't I?
Herbie, scratch the red dress off, and add 4 more lumps of coal on. Ok, next letter Dammit!
- Santa -
 
 
 

Shmiley
"Oh, my! The cookies aren't put out yet! My my, how unthoughtful I am. I wonder what Santa would think?" Aunt Jahema laughed at herself. How silly she could be sometimes! She bustled as fast as an old lady like herself could, got the sugar cookies, and put them on a handsome wooden table in front of the fireplace. There! Everything was set for Santa! The cookies and double mocha late were both out, and the present she had bought for Jolly old Saint Nick gleamed warmly in the firelight, as if to say, "Open me! Open me! I cannot breath and I will die if you do not open me right now!" Aunt Jahema chuckled to herself. Oh, what a Christmas this would be! She had even made some butter nog for the elves, if they happened to come along. Oh joy! Aunt Jahema scuttled into the living room, and settled down for some good, old-fashioned, atonement Bible verses. Just as she was about to indulge herself in the story of David's boulder, a loud bang came from the closet. Aunt Jahema frowned and gazed, scoldingly, at the closet, "Aunt Jahema, can't I come out yet!? It's all dark, and the spiders are biting me!" Aunt Jahema sighed, Shmiley knew he was supposed to stay in the closet until tomorrow, why did he always have to be such a troublemaker? "Shmiley. You know why you're in that closet. If you didn't like my ham, you could've just said so. There was no need to rub it all over your body and then fly around the room and knock over all the pans!" Shmiley banged again, "But, Aunt Jahema, that never happened! You were hallucinating again because you forgot to take Dr. Steward's medicine! I did eat the ham! I liked it, too! Please let me out! I'm supposed to meet FLAGG in front of the "Big Christmas Tree" on "Fourth Street" so we can do charity work at the homeless shelter Bobo lives in! Please, Aunt Jahema!" Aunt Jahema's brow furrowed, how dare this ignorant boy talk back to her like this? She didn't like that FLAGG, either. The boy had to be on some kind of drug! And that Bobo, always talking about his shopping carts... Aunt Jahema thought he might be possessed by the devil, but she wouldn't allow herself to think such thoughts on such a glorious Christmas eve. "Shmiley, this is the last straw!" she seethed, "Do you know why Santa always leaves you a big, fat, lump of coal for Christmas? Because you are a stupid and ugly boy. Maybe, if you could just find the arms of Jesus just once, than maybe Santa would bring you something better! But until then, NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!" She shrieked, and threw the Bible at the door (Although it landed 17 feet short.). Oh, my! This is not good, to be this angry on Christmas. Wel- A thump! Aunt Jahema whirled around to see Mr. Santa Claus himself, sitting in the middle of the fireplace with the britches on fire. "Oh! Santa! How are you?" Aunt Jahema gasped. "Aunt Jahema? Is that Elvis? Elvis! Help! Help! I'm locked in the closet!" Shmiley called to his phantom savior. Santa Claus stepped out of the fireplace and put out the fire on his knickers with on sweep of his grotesquely fat hand. He began to speak, "Aunt Jahema, Christmas is not about Ham, or Soup kitchens, or any other media hype like that. Christmas is about giving up your body and mind to the loving arms of Mohammed and Allah. Do you understand?" Aunt Jahema was confused. Allah? Mohammed? What did pop music have to do with all of this? "Well, let me make it clearer for you," Santa continued, "When Moses and Jesus were given God's word, they interpreted it half right. But when Mohammed conversed with Allah, he understood the divine word and spread the TRUE message though the land. The point is, You are Jewish. I do not give presents to Jewish people because I am Christian. Goodnight." With that Santa flew away and Aunt Jahema had a heart attack. The End.
 
 
 

"Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged"
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,  Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,  Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
 
 
 

A Lardlumps Christmas
by Guess Who?
Long ago, I wanted to kill Mr. Lardlumps. Actually I was planning to assassinate him, but he was so conveniently fired. Well, anyway I was walking by his big mansion with the stupid ugly rosebushes outside, on Christmas and I saw him and his assistant, Bobo. Then a bunch of ghosts came and swept him away to the past, present, and future. He came back to his mansion and made Bobo slave about for 23 hours. Then he started abusing Bobo! Then I bashed down his door and tackled and started beating the crap out of him. I asked him if he learned anything from those ghosts. He said, "Yeah, I was spawned from Satan himself, I'm an evil old hermit, and I will work for Porfessional advice for three weeks, only to be fired by Snackwurst." I then said, "You bastard, you're going to be nice or else I'll... He rudely interrupted me and said, "You better get the hell out of my house or else I'll send you to the Gulag, retard" I then responded by saying that I was going to cut down his rosebushes. He threw me into the Gulag for 5 years. I escaped his high security hell-hole and now have grown to hate his huge head, supposed to be from his crack addicted mother. I don't need to keep my identity a secret anymore because he is gone now. I am actually Mr. Bob. I don't care if he knows who I am, he is a damn wimp I tell you! I'll get some of my friends to beat the living crap out of him. You will die Lardlumps!
 
 
 

It's a Wonderful Christmas Story on 34th Street
by Wild Bill
Okay, this is a true story: one year I was completely disenfranchised with Christmas, and I waited until Christmas Eve and still didn't buy anyone a present. That evening, an angel named Clarence visited me and showed me what the world would be like if I never got anyone Christmas presents. Everyone... what a tic, didn't I already read this to you? What do you want from me? What, am I freakin' Burl Ives all of a sudden? I HAVE NO MORE CHRISTMAS STORIES!!! Just leave me alone!!!
 
 
 

Booze is good food
by Shimian T (for Tipsy)Marmoshet
Hey! Hiya kids *hic*! Is this shing on? I like this Crhsmish shtuff coz of all the free alca, alclashal, alcohab, akloshall, I mean booze, I get at hollyday parties *hic*. And Shnackwosh shrows the best *hic* parties. I like the green drinks. *Hic* Shay, has anyone seen where I left my glass... it has booze in it.. *hic*
 
 
 

Fever Dream
by Jenn Dolari
There was the one Christmas I had this hundred degree fever. I lied in bed, and heard the trot-trot-trot of reindeer over head. I got out of bed, and peeked over the railing into the living room below. And what did I see? A saw a Dalek. A great big honking Dalek. It was white with gold trim and in that monotone voice it has it said "YOU WILL GIVE ME CAN-DY!" That's when the door burst open, and Fat Albert came it. Fat Albert was dressed in his Christmas Best, with the Red Santa hat, and all the trimmings...not to mention fairy wings. Anyways, Fat Albert and the Dalek fought to the death (which is amazing considering Daleks just have one plunger to fight with). The shot scrambled egg at each other and left the place a mess. Then Jesus came with Mick Jagger and everything was okay. Fever + ten bottles of NyQuil = the best f'ing Christmas ever.
 
 
 

Fink, the Drunken Christmas Ornament
by Elvis Shortliver
Fink was a very naughty ornament. When Mrs. Kowalski turned off the lights on the tree, Fink rolled over to the liquor cabinet & binged on Schnapps, Yeagermeister, Wild Turkey, and even Imported Saki straight from Asia. Then after that, he tried to roll back to the tree, but he kept swerving all over the hallway, smashing into the wall, then accidentally rolling straight through the banister rails and down the stairs to his untimely death. Mrs. Kowalski got 4 stitches that morning and missed her department christmas party. 
 
 
 

My favorite Christmas.
by Jenn Dolari
You know... that one...with the presents and stuff. Yeah, it was fun. I made milk come out of your nose.... wait... that was your birthday. Never mind.
 
 
 

Santa's Lap Dance From The Human Keg
by White Paul
It was way back in 1999. I was drunk and more confused than a blond trying to think. Of course the last time I was sober was about 19 years ago, but that's beside the point. I had just consumed 99 bottles of beer (drank 'em right off the wall) If I had cut myself I would have bled alcohol, I was a human keg. After getting kicked out of the bar because of my indecent behavior to a juke box (it kept talking to me) I stumbled down the road and came upon kids lining up to sit on Santa's lap. So I stroll up to Santa, pushing dozens of eager kids out of my way, and I say to him, "Yoos magga goze m' a wap denze?" Or something like that. The next thing I know I'm giving Santa a lap dance. Then, with all the parents and children screaming in disgust, I see two small insects coming straight for my ankles. As the insects came closer and as my double-vision cleared, I realized that they were Santa's elves. They clobbered my ankles and as I slowly went down they attacked my knees, then my groin, then my gut, until they finally got me to the ground, where they continuously stomped on my face with their tiny booties. When I awoke from unconsciousness I was laying in a hospital bed. The nurse came and told me I had many deep gashes on my face and body, but incredibly had lost no blood. She went on to say that the police had arrested the two elves that had attacked me. The police stated in their report that the elves were drunk when they found them and 'Made Up' some story about me giving Santa a lap dance. And so to this day, I'm the only person who truly knows that elves drink beer straight from the keg.
 
 
 

Christmas in 74 words
by Shmiley
Christmas is a time we all come together to eat lots of food and open brightly colored boxes full of 'Special Treats'. I like Christmas because the Grinch stole it once, and the Grinch is kewl. This leads me to my Moral, "After Christmas is over, It's time to break out the Jack Daniel's and the Caviar and celebrate the New Year! Whoooooooooo-hoooooooooo! GET THAT MONKEY DOWN FROM THE CHANDELIER AND LET'S PAR-TAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The End.
 
 
 

P-MIME ALL STARS
by DOC SAVAGE
PantoMIME! I am filled with dread. THE END. DOC SAVAGE.
 
 
 

Santa's Top 10 Complaints About the Holidays
by Simian T. Marmoset
10) Older elves keep spitting chewing tobacco on the work shop floor 
09) Can't get enough Preparation-H, need we say more! 
08) Health conscious families leave skim milk and rice cakes 
07) No more "little pick-me-up" in his thermos since the incident of Christmas '78 
06) Allergies flare up when someone mentions the word ‘Mistletoe’ 
05) All his friends get to hang out at the VFW and watch Matlock during the holidays. 
04) Just hasn't been the same since the elves formed a union back in '63 
03) The old bladder just doesn't hold out like it used to. 
02) Sleigh stereo system ripped off in Detroit every year 
01) All those damned kids
 
 
 

I'm in Florida "a poem"
by Blonde
I'm in Florida, For Christmas I'll be join'n ya, Up where it is cold, Where your skin looks so old, Where cars won't start, and your air smells like one big gassy fart, Why an I going, Where it might be snowing, If only I knew, I must have lost a screw or two!
 
 
 

RE:5 commandments for holiday shopping
by Ladeeda
TO:people@earth.com 
FROM: god@heaven.com 
SUBJECT: RE: 5 Commandments for holiday shopping. 
To answer questions about the day of the anti-christ a.k.a "Holiday shopping", I have prepared the new addition to the 10 commandments, created especially for this annoyingly joyful time of year. 
1) Thy shalt not wait until December 24 to by gifts 
2) If Thy has waited til' the dreary date, Thy shall head to the discount outlet. 
3)If Thy has waited til' the dreary date, and thy has decided to spend lots of thy pay, thy shall not brag about what thy got at a good price. 
4)If Thy has waited til' the dreary date, and thy has decided to spend lots of thy pay, and thy hast bragged, thy shalt not do once more. 
5) If thy hast committed all sins listed above, JUST STAY OUT OF MY WAY, FOR THY HAST PISSED ME OFF!! 
Happy holidays! signed, God
 
 
 

The Tit and the Turnip
by KeeblerMessiah
I was gardening in my backyard and it started to snow. Hey that reminds me of a joke. ' A guy walked up to me and said he hadn't had a bite in weeks. So ya know what I did?' 'I beat him off.'
Make that SEVEN more lumps of coal!
- Santa -
 
 
 

My happy life
by Bobo The Hobo
I started life in a Safeway. I grew up by the Andronicos grocery store in Berkeley CA, and still am there today. Now go away! I hate you all! -The end.
 
 
 

Uncle Pablo
I don't know about you... but I for one am NOT a big fan of those Christmas "Family Newsletters" that folks send me this time of year. I mean it's a sweet thought and all but trying to wade through a years worth of somebody else's day to day life makes me want to unscrew a bulb from the tree lights and insert my wet finger.

For an example of what I'm talking about ...
click HERE
 
 
 

El Immenso
On xmas mom always makes Toll house cookies for me and my brother. Well, last xmas I saw Santa come in to our house, he came in through the chimney just like they say he does. Well, he did his thing with gifts, then lookedaround for a drink and cookies. Mom forgot to put some out for Santa by the fireplace evidently. Cause Santa started walking through the house -into the kitchen. I was hiding behind the trash compactor so as not to interrupt the Eultide magic unfolding before my lil nine year old eyes. Well, Santa spied his prize on he counter, me and Billy's cookies that mom made for 'US'. Santa picked over all of them with his big fat rancid mitten, looking for the chunkiest one.

Well, I couldn't take it, those were ours -and he was essentially B&E now, ya aint supposed to go through a strangers house! Well, I hopped on top of the compactor and did a flying round house kick to fatboy's right temple. That knocked some snow off his shoulder and made him pitch the plate of cookies onto the floor. I was seeing red! I slid behind him, kicked his legs out and knocked him over. I cranked his arm behind his back and it was all I could do to keep his face on the floor and mush his eye into an ant trap we had under the counter. I screamed at him, "lay off our choco-chip cookies, bitch!" Well, I surprised myself at my swift and brutal justice so I kinda backed off and ran to my room leaving Santa non-plussed and babbling something about taking a job at the Post Office. I don't care, really, he was probably gonna give me a Star Wars action figure -that I already have anyway.
 
 
 

2001
by Whinny Hopalong
Little Johnny sat glued to the clock, waiting for the moment when regularly programmed shows ended, and the New Year's fun began. He especially looked forward to switching the channels on the telly to see Dick Clark's aging features. "Johnny, would you please take out the trash?" his mother begged for the 40th time that week. You see, Johnny had been so preoccupied with the clock on his bedroom wall that he had neglected to remove the trash in the house for well over a month. "Yeah mom, just give me a minute." He replied automatically, chuckling to himself at her meek 'ok dear'. What can I do to make the time go faster?, Johnny thought. I know, I'll just go outside to that big huge clock *for he lived in England* and pile trashbag upon trashbag until I can reach the hands and move them. He giggled gleefully and skipped downstairs, which had turned into the city dump. He waded through the muck up to his neck and, tossing a rotten tomato aside, pulled out the first trashbag. He worked busily as time wore on....6....7....8....9.... Finally Johnny had every trashbag out of his house and piled under the bug huge clock. Alas, it was not enough. "I know. I'll just steal other people's trash!" With an evil giggle he once again went skipping, this time around the neighborhood. 10....11.... Johnny's pile had grown so it had almost reached the face of the big huge clock. "Now if only I had something to stand on...like a big huge poll..." His face lit up as his eyes followed the electric wires...straight to a post. With another evil giggle he weilded his ax, which he always kept in his back pocket of his overalls, and began chopping it down. He was almost victorious until... The poll crashed down on top of him, electricuting him to a crisp, then set fire to all the decaying trash, and then the fire spread to the big huge clock, and then it swept across the neighborhood, then England, then the huge electrical current ran through the ocean till it reached the United States, killed everyone in New York including Dick Clark, then flew to Mexico, Canada, Ireland, and Singa pore. Happy New Year everyone...and always take out the trash. 
 
 
 

Rudolph The "Red-Nosed" Reindeer
by 'JRV'
Rudolph had a little too much to drink, but he decided to fly along with Santa and the other reindeer anyway. After a few hours of delivering gifts, Rudolph passed out, which caused the sleigh to crash. Santa and his reindeer died in the explosion and a whole neighbourhood was wiped off the face of the earth.
 
 
 

Granny Christmas Song
by Whinny Hopalong
Every find yourself humming those annoying little lyrics of the world's most hated song?? You know the one I'm talking about...it goes something like 'Grandma got run over by a reindeer'. Remember now? Annoying lil thing isn't it? Well, if you want to know the TRUE story of that weed smoker Granny I suggest you download Opie and Anthony - Granny Christmas Song. This wonderful song is complete with plenty of cuss words, sexual insinuation, and of course, drugs. Enjoy! 
 
 
 

'Tis the Season
by Whinny Hopalong
Well, it's Christmas. And you know what I got??? Squat. Nothing. Goose Egg. Not one little present....of course, I guess that's what happens when you kill all your family and friends the night before with a nice little spork...good spork...I love you Sporky...
 
 
 

Happy New Year, the rubbing alcohol way!
by Mr. Bob
I like the new year because I can, uhh get really really drunk on rubbing alcohol. If you think whiskey is strong than you ought to take a couple o' shots that stuff. Woo-Whee! It really clears your head, but after 2 minutes everything goes blurry. Then you start to have seizures and your liver and kidneys start to malfunction. My god, it's starting to kick in! MY CHEST, MY CHEST!!! Chaaaa chaaaaaa chaaaaaaaaa Chia! Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa chhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Chia! Chhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa chhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa chhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Ch-chi- Chia! (Mr. Bob later died of severe blood poisoning. It was found that he had joined a cult founded by Mr. Lardlumps. Lardlumps had apparantly brainwashed him and made him believe rubbing alcohol makes you feel really high. Too high in fact. It wasn't a good idea to give his name away to the evil Mr. Lardlumps. Anyone who wishes to attend his funeral may call 1-800- GULAG.)
 
 
 

Lemme tell ya about the time way back in the good ol' days...
by Bobo The Hobo
Ahh, I have many memories of Christmas past. Back in my day, we didn't have no Christmas trees. Trees hadn't been invented yet! An' we liked it! We had these lumps of molten rock which we collected 'cause the Earth hadn't cooled down yet. An' we didn't have none of these fancy modern accoutramants, like plumbing. An' we liked it! It was good 'enuf fer us! You kids think yer so smart, with all your fancy printing-presses, and lights powered by the mighty force of electricity! You know what we got our lighting from? I don't either. It was too long ago. Back in my day, for Christmas, we'd sit around and through molten earth at eachother. Ahh, those childhood memories! I have them often, although I can control them pretty well with medication. Well, there ya go! Now go fetch Bobo some more bourbon!
 
 
 

Gas Techtronics In The 21st Century (How To Keep Holiday Spirits Up During Nuclear Winter)
by Embelbrook Von Pinklebum D.V.D.
Perhaps one might recall the story of Rudolph while envisioning post-apocolypse Earth; his self generating power supply fueling the energy needed for illumination would be not only ideal, but superior than 97% of his fellow reindeer. That is, assuming that Rudolph's biological makeup would miraculously survive the billions of radioactive electrons pounding the planet, the same electrons which would cause one to expurgate ones own internal organs via one's mouth passage. Excuse me for just a minute... you may want to spit those nuts out as you have mistaken them with my cyanide caplets... sorry. Now, Say Rudolph was also able to shield his fragile, atomically weakened torso from the eternal fire that would rain on Earth for some time, his nose would be quite useful once the glow of the burning planet is succumed in the thick smoke that would cover the Earth for generations to follow. A nose like that would be a gift indeed!