Christmas Time 
by Simian
Ah Christmas time! It's the time of year where I get to drink sticky sweet eggnog while listening to the Chipmunks Christmas album and watching Richard Simmons infomercials on local cable. Time to hear the bittersweet story of the Magical Christmas bologna. Time to watch 'Frosty the Militant Transvestite' on TV. Time to enjoy the good things in life like pancakes and sugar and the acting talents of William Shatner. A time to wonder how Saint Nick, with his giant hinder and overblown, jelly-like gut, can break into my chimney-less trailer via the cat flap and leave me a mountain of dead batteries and Devil Dogs. Ah, the magic! Ah, the wonder! Now if only Santa would do something about that scary garden gnome in my neighbor's yard - like behead it - then my Christmas wish would be complete. 
Happy holidays!
Simian The Marmoset
 
 

The Birth of My Brother 
by Elvis Shortliver
I could hear the commotion coming from under the Christmas tree. My Dad stoking the poker by the light of the fire, my Mother screaming in pain as she was wrapping the last of the presents. I crept down the stairs to see what was the matter. "Get back to bed, Elvis!" shouted my Dad, sternly waving his hot poker, and I went back to bed. An hour later, as I looked out the window, I saw him - only it was not as I had always pictured it to be. There were no reindeer or even a sleigh - just a big ball of fire hurtling straight towards my house. Back down the stairs I go, where I see my Dad arguing with - a man in a red jumpsuit with a pitch fork! Suddenly, they start dueling, Dad yelling "Get back to bed, Elvis!" - Sadly when I awoke, my father had disappeared with the presents. He filed for divorce later that year. My half-brother was born that violent night - took me 7 damn years of therapy to get over it. "Get back to bed, Elvis!" - SHEESH! All I wanted was a little excitement!
 
 

Snaggletooth's letter to Santa 
by Snaggletooth
Dear Santa Claus, 
This year I have been really, really, really good. Just ask Simian and Elvis. Well maybe not Elvis 'cause you fired him last year and stuff and now he's what my mama calls 'disgruntled'. What does that mean? And maybe not Simian 'cause she's a monkey and I don't know if you can speak monkey. Anyway Santa, I was real good this year and so I want some stuff. 

1- Since I want to be a Sumo wrestler like my dad, I want a pair of those funny pants they wear.
2- Some cookies. Any flavor.
3- Maybe some more cookie.
4- I want chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate syrup.
5- And some more cookies.

Thank you Santa Claus! 
Snaggletooth
 
 

Lump 'O' Coal: a poem 
by Mr. Lardlumps
Someone gave me a lump of coal for Christmas
When I was only 3 years old.
This hurt me very much (I cried for days)
And I stayed in my room
And I broke all of my other toys
And I set them on fire
With a box of matches that my father left behind
And the house burnt down
And my brother ran away.
I never saw him again.
That is what has been missing from my life all of these years,
Well, that and pancakes.
I would give him a big hug if I ever found him.
I kept the coal to remember him by.
I pull it out and look at it - it is black.
 
 

A Nostalgic Christmas Memory 
by (The Original) Jason
I can remember the night clearly: December 24, 1977.  I was sleeping soundly when I heard the pitter-patter of footsteps on the roof.  "At last!" I thought, "Santa's here with my presents."

Yes, Santa had arrived, but he wasn't there to drop off presents. The confusion started shortly thereafter. . . In just a few moments,toy gunfire erupted, followed by explosions.  Sneers of "Eat thisjolly boy!" echoed across the landscape.  I cautiously peeped over the window sill to see that Santa and his elves were engaged in heavy combat with my Mother's garden gnomes!

Santa hoisted a potato cannon and sent an Idaho spud straight and true leveling at least three gnomes.  The gnome troops retaliatedby lobbing a K-mart-blue-light-special pink flamingo into a crowd ofelves wounding two of them and causing heavy damage to the flamingo.The carnage continued for hours until, out of sheer boredom, I wentto sleep.

By morning, the fighting had subsided, but the evidence was still there. When I looked out, I saw elves, gnomes, curly toed shoes, pointy hats, striped socks, and those annoying little silver bells scattered across the lawn.  One elf was impaled with a lawn dart and several gnomes lay motionless, covered with mashed potato.

I never did find out what happened to Santa, but his sled and reindeer were gone.  I can only assume he made it out, leaving his elves to cover his escape.  Santa never brought me presents again.Mom never worked in the garden after that, she just hides in the garage with her lawn tools and whimpers when the Christmas season approaches.  The FBI still hasn't completely figured out whathappened on that dark, cold Christmas eve, but to this day, I always hit the dirt if I hear "Eat this, jolly boy!"

Merry Christmas,
Jason
 
 

Anti-Christmas 
by The Anti-Yanni
It’s just about time, once again, for The Anti-Yanni to anticipate celebrating another Anti-Christmas with all my friends who refuse to wear antiperspirant!  (I forgive them for this, though, since they travel from the antipodes to be with me.)  Every Anti-Christmas ante meridiem, instead of exchanging and opening gifts (a tradition that we stopped when we heard about the demise of our friend Waldo Jefferson), we begin the day by eating our traditional breakfast of antipasto and various antioxidants.  The rest of the day is spent taking antibiotics and listening to the antiquarians tell tales about our ancestors that lived in antebellum times.  However, almost every Anti-Christmas, some joker ups the ante by starting an antediluvian debate about the origin of The Anti-Santa (even though there is typically not any antipathy among us)!  When this happens, the rest of us restrain the party pooper and force him/her to take some antidepressants and antispasmodics.  The temporarily antisocial culprit usually recants, and his/her antics end up being recalled, years later, as the anticlimax of the celebration.  Before Anti-Christmas day is through, it is not uncommon for several of us to have out-of-antibody experiences and/or lapse into episodes of antistrophe.  As they’re leaving my humble abode, each of my Anti-Christmas guests rinses his/her mouth with an antiseptic mouthwash and then spits this in my face as a preventive antidote to the post-holiday blues which would inevitably show up at my door the following day otherwise.

Merry Anti-Christmas to all of you from The Anti-Yanni!.
 
 

Santa and the 7 Henchmen 
by Gor
One time me and my friend went to the mall, and shined a lazer pen on Santa'sforehead while kids are getting their picture taken.  All the sudden, Santa's goons see us doing this, and they run up to us and start frisking my friend. He told them he hardly knew them, and if they would buy him dinner, he would let them proceed.  But thats besides the point.  So we start to run, and they chase us out of the mall.  Santas henchmen are buff.  Watch out.
The End
 
 

Protozoa 
by Protozoa
Once upon a time Rambo was keeping watch at the gas station where he worked when some carolers came up to him. They sang and said clap 3 times of you believe in fairies. Rambo screamed: "I hate fairies...what do I look like..a queer?!" So he whipped out a Ruger mini-14 with extended round clip, folding stock, flash suppressor modified for fully automatic and started blowin away the carolers. Then he fastened his bayonet and went around mopping up the squirmers. the end ... and to all a good night. 
 
 

A LETTER TO SANTA
from Saddam.
My Dear Friend,
               I have been a good boy all year
(don't believe what those western infidels are saying).

Here is my list:
      1. A state-of-the-art bomb shelter (urgent).
      2. A D.I.Y. chemical weapons kit.
      3. Lots of plutonium.
      4. Kuwait
      5. Clinton & Major's heads on sticks.
      6. A pouch made out of Butler's scrotum.
      7. A full set of Teletubbies.
      8. A chocolate waffle
      9. Pancakes.
                    Sincerely yours,
                                    Saddam.
P.S. Don't tell the infidels where my chimney is.
 
 

This Is A Test 
by Tim
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. The broadcasters in your area are instructed to shove mistletoe up your butt every time you hear this warning sound. Remember, this is only a test (heh-heh)... 
 
 

Christmas of Honor 
by Tom "Big Ed" Clancy
The mission was not going well. He should have known it would be a rough night when almost half of the scheduled elves had called in. They said they couldn't make it because of the inclement weather. "Inclement weather? We live at the NORTH POLE, for cryin' out loud! We don't have anything BUT inclement weather up here!" Now the rain had turned to sleet, his nose was turning numb, and he was down one reindeer (Blitzen had twisted a hoof during a take off in Nevada). It was getting pretty hard to stay jolly. Now the forward-looking infrared sniffer (known as RED NOSE) beeped to life. It showed a target approaching at high speed from the Northwest. "Too large to be the Tooth Fairy. I wonder what it could be." To be continued.... (not!) 
 
 

"I'm Dreamin' of a Quiet Wristwatch" 
by Pablo
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was december 20th, 1998 ... yesterday ... and I was at work and I fell asleep at my desk ... with my head gently cradled on my arm ... and the damn tickticktick of my watch kept me awake. Now I don't know about YOU, but I get pretty damn CRANKY when I have to stay awake at work so ... since I couldn't sleep anyway, I got out a pen and paper and wrote up my Christmas list and just asked for one (1) thing. I asked Santy to bring me a cheap, battery operated watch that wasn't so DAMN LOUD. You'll know whether I get it or not 'cause if I don't you'll be reading about me "goin' postal" at work and shooting everybody. (Did I mention I get CRANKY when I don't get my nap?) 
 
 

Wrote you guys a Christmas Song!! 
by SpunkyMunky
(sung to the tune of Holly Jolly Christmas-sort of) 
Have a SpunkyMunky Christmas 
It's just one day a year 
But ever since the summertime 
You've waited as it neared 

You started buying presents 
And ornaments to collect 
With a big red bow tied On your car, 
no one would suspect 

You'd have a SpunkyMunky Christmas 
You've been waiting since July 
But this year instead of Santa Claus 
SpunkyMunky will stop by! 

I'll sneak in while you're sleeping 
As quiet as a mime 
I'll steal the presents and leave Twinkies 
Won't I have such a great time! 

So sleep tight everybody- And have a SpunkyMunky Christmas this year! 
 
 

Who Spiked Grandmas Egg Nog? (or How Dom Spends Xmas Morning) 
by Dominius "Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" Mookpiloh
This is an account of how I spend every Christmas morning. 

5:12 AM. Little brothers wake me. I beat them. 
7:34 AM Little brothers regain conciousness. They get parents. Parents make me get up. have urge to kill. 
8:02 AM Finish taking my morning leak 
8:04 AM Eyes adjust to light 
12:00 AM Fix blinking alarm clock 
8:17 AM Check e-mail... none. Hang head. Weep. 
8:18 AM Walk to tree. Half presents unwrapped. Brothers playing with new stuff. Unwrap first gift. Socks. Rats. 
8:20 AM Get something good. It Breaks after 2 minutes. 
8:30 AM One of brothers goes missing under wrapping paper. Search party formed. 
8:45 AM Brother found. But now 4 members of the search party missing. 
9:46 AM Search party members presumed dead. 
9:48 AM Back to presents. All clothing. 
10:23 AM Presents done. Nothing too great. Grab box of cereal. Eat it. 
10:56 AM Bored with gifts, go back to bed. 
2:37 PM Get up, family is fighting. Go on puter and spam Elvis Shortliver. 
6:09 PM dinner. Turkey either over or undercooked. Can't tell. potatoes lumpy. Carrots mushy. Stuffing rotten. 
6:21 PM Back on puter. Play games. get bored. Harass Elvis again. 
1:01 AM Get Bored, go to bed, can't wait for next year. 

Thats basically it. I left out the bloodshed and the police raids, but you get the idea. Well, i hope you have a horrible Christmas. I hate you all. 
 
 

Luminarie Fire Fighting 
by Blonde
It's short but true. I have 2 brothers, Butch and Sparky and one sister who does not have a nick name. Anyway She is the oldest and had her drivers licence first. Well to make a "You had to be there" story short, Imagine 4 good looking kids driving around Christmas Eve night looking at the pretty luminares all around town... when suddenly, one of us spotted one of the bags on fire... 1 of us (not sure which one) jumped out of the car and yelled "Luminarie Firefighter" and stamped out the luminarie. I think we spent at least a hour driving around town looking for luminaries that needed the yelled "Luminarie Firefighters". 
 
 

The Night JACK Came 
by CarNut
on Christmas, Jack Nicholson broke into our house screaming "Honey, I'm HOOOOMMEE!!!" He then burned the tree, chopped up the turkey, ate my little bro, beat me up, and smoked all my crack. I was pissed.
 
 

The Best Christmas Ever 
by Weesh
Last year was the most fun because: There were five of us last year; my sister, my mother, Fred my mom's boyfriend, a guy from Fred's office named Eric,and me. After Christmas dinner, we all got in the car to drive around and look at the luminarias and the hideous godawfull lights that people can't resist stringing up all over their property. We were all hyper from too much sugar, and even though we three young people are in our mid- 20s we were acting really immature. We could not stop laughing at everything, and my mother went into her "Do I have to separate you girls?" routine, and cursing herself for leaving candy in all the candy dishes. Except Eric was already sitting between us. We drove to the town greens of all the towns in the area and looked at the lights and stuff. One town green had a gazebo that was all lit up, and we jumped out of the car and sang songs from "The Sound of Music" at the top of our lungs, and even Eric joined in. We took a group photo of us standing in the gazebo, and right before the automatic camera went off, I yelled, "Everyone say Peeeeenisss!" That cracked everyone up, and it was the best Christmas ever! 
 
 

The Dog that hated Christmas 
by Chihuahuaboy
Once upon a time, long, long, long ago in a place very far away there was a dog who hated Christmas. The dog was named Jhim-Jhum Fuc, which is Thai for "little squash". Everyone called the dog Fuc for short. As the dog understood no Thai he grew up with major emotional trouble because he was called Fuc. He heard his name used is all sorts of unpleasant contexts. When people hammered their fingers on accident they would invoke his name. When people slammed or dropped something valuable he was called. Every time he came along with his tail wagging joyously at being called the people would be angry and tell him to get lost. Finally, he wrote to Santa Claus asking for a new name. And as Christmas approached Fuc became more excited. What sort of name would Santa bring? Rex? Socks? It didn't matter. Anything was better than Fuc. Late at night on Christmas Eve, after the people all went to sleep, Fuc sat by the chimney waiting for Santa to arrive. Along about midnight, Fuc heard scraping noises coming from the flue...they were faint at first, barely audible. Then they grew quite distinct. Suddenly a large form appeared in the fireplace and bounded into the living room. He was fat and tall and covered in furry clothes, but it was not Santa Claus. "I there lil puppy," said the tall fat person, "I'm Bilge Knockwurst, one of Santa's assistants." Fuc stared in disbelief at the big elf. "You must be the dog named Fuc... Well, Santa wanted you to know that from now on you shall be known as Pootusfraggedorkuspeckermyer. Congratulations on your new name." 
 
 

Bob's New nose 
by Bob
One Christmas my mom told me my name was Bob and I needed a new nose so she took me to plastic surgery and got a new nose and I said my names Bob. My names Bob. Did I tell you my names Bob? The end Bob's my name.