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Where is Waldo?  And why have so many people been trying to find him?
Guido http://www.goecities.com/weboguido9999
Unless someone moved his remains, he's about 100 feet off I-64 near exit 94 in a shallow grave at the base of a tree.  People have been looking for him because he allegedly embezzled $1.4 million from the Teamster's Union.
- Jason -
How the hell do I know?? He probably pissed off the mailman or something! Do I look like a detective? Boo Hoo, we all miss Waldo.
- Lardlumps -
 

Hi. I just recently moved to Massachusetts. I took a job at a large company in a reasonable area of town where me and two others run the mail room. There is this girl that I see when passing the ladies room. She's allways snippy to me. She told me to stay away from this side of the building or she's "gonna kick my ass." I'm appalled! Should I "go for it"? I was the ladies world champ in '93 for 'gator wrestling in Florida. Or should i just ignore her insults. Hope ya'all had a great Thanksgiving! xoxo
gator girl
Are you sure about that, Gate? Because I checked my Guinness Book Of World Records & it says Kate Dempsey was the Ladies' World Champion Gator Wrestler in 1993? Anyway, sometimes it just takes a little more time to get to know some people. Maybe if you keep a smile on & take another chance at common interests then old "Helmet Head" will stop being such a crumb... Uh... coming Mr. Lardlumps! (sigh)
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Lardlumps....how do we know that you haven't kidnapped simian so that you can have her job?  And supposing that you did you probably hid her in your rose bushes.  So, would it be ethical for us to go into your rose bushes with grenades, mechetes, rottweilers and a morter launcher to get her out?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/weboguido9999
Sure, and then how about I chop your head off with my weed wacker! I told Elvis to get the hell out of my precious rose bushes, but NO, you guys still want to screw with me! I DARE you, Guido. I DARE you....
- Lardlumps -
 

Did you know "Wiccan" spelled backwards is "Nacciw"? I tell you the devil's at work here! You hear me?!! THE DEVIL!!!!
Shmiley www.offrampmotel.com
I see Shmiley has finally joined the Southern Baptist church. . .
- Jason -
 

Hey, Lardy! Don't you have some "Business" to take care of back at the hungarian gulag? Yeah, that's right, go skip on back to your "Hell-hole". Alright. Merry Christmas.
Shmiley http://wackyadvice.com/archives/gulag.shtml
It's Mr. Rejected Page, piping up once again. Don't think just because I answered this that you're good enough to make it to the main page, Chump! Eee-Ha, like there's a place setting at our house for you on Christmas: NOT.
- Lardlumps -
 

Is Simian really dead? Why would she cross the highway in the first place?
Ben Dover
To Get To The Other Side! Duh!
- Elvis Shortliver -
That's Simian, always in trouble. Monkeys are so smelly and stupid.
- Lardlumps -
To acquire a position on a point intersected by a parallel line and seperated from the former by a thoroughfare?
- Jason -
 

Are Bowling alleys good places to meet women ? I'm lonely.
G.Gosh Standblitz Ggoshstandblitz@aol.com
Do you know how many great R-rated jokes we could make out of this question, Stanblitz? I thought up 6 just sitting here! And now Snackwurst's gonna be watchin' me like a hawk waiting for me to slip up & say something about how you'd at least be giving your hand a ... Oh, no you don't! This is a G-rated site! We're not going there, so forget it! Just go bowling instead!
- Elvis Shortliver -
I've heard you can meet a lot of very nice friendly women at the corner of Main and Hollywood. . .
- Jason -
Oh, finally an intelligent question! Are you people really that pathetic that you can't ask more intelligent questions like this one? You should all be sent to your bedrooms without supper... until you're married & can send your own kids to bed without supper! Grow up!
- Lardlumps -
 
 

I was watching the news the other night and there was Yassir Arafat dressed up as Big Tad. He was making sure the flan making club members were all properly restrained while sticking red hot pokers in their eyes. Why doesn't any fun stuff like that happen in Australia? OzzyPedro www.give-me-money.com See? I told you! I saw Big Tad with that creepy "My Real Baby" doll - the one you stick your fingers in & make it squirm like a puppet - I bet those kids are sorry they ever swore now. - Elvis Shortliver -

OzzyPedro Predicts "  ."

Since Jason should be taking office soon (by force if need be) I feel in the best interest of this nation and people that legislation be passed prohibiting the ban on hunting mimes......all in favor?
flagg ooflaggo0@aol.com
Who on earth would ever propose a ban on hunting mimes anyway?  Doesn't EVERYONE hate mimes?
- Jason -
Yeah, then we can stop grinding them up & smoking them. I think my lungs have had just about enough.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Mr. Lardlumps is evil.  and WILL.. BE.. PUNISHED!  (I like Simian)
Mr. Insane Gone Sane
BY YOU Mr. Insane Gone Sane? Hold on, let me check my pants - You just scared the crap out of me.
- Lardlumps -
 

Could someone please explain the term 'fast asleep'. When you really asleep you're not going anywhere. Who thought up these crappy English phrases?
Marvster marvyn.davey@vodacom.co.za
I don't know about you, but I've fallen asleep at 90 mph on the interstate many times.  In that sense, I'd be asleep, but I'd also be moving very very fast.
- Jason -
Being fast asleep is when you fall asleep right away, which is NOT what happens when you're tied up all weekend with no food or water. And by the way, you can't get out of a Goostleslep Knot. Not even with a laser pointer.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I can't think of any questions, but I don't want you guys to forget me, so I'm still posting. Elvis, Jason, I wish you guys didn't look so scared in your pictures on the top of the page. If you were with me, you wouldn't be scared. I'd show you guys off during the pep assembly that we're having thursday. Can you believe the school mascot is a gay greek man?
Lucy
Does your school mascot quote philosophy and spend a lot of unsupervised time with the boys on the basketball and football teams?
- Jason -
 

Did you guys get to eat turkey and stuffing this Thanksgiving? Some people eat ham on Thanksgiving. I like them both but then I get really full. How about you?
Ted J.
I ate flour. It was gross.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Does beating around the bush involve masturbation?
Keebler Messiah roger_bare@hotmail.com
I think it depends on whether we're talking about George W. Bush, or the metaphorical shrubbery in the southern hemisphere. . .  I prefer the phrase, "beating Bush, Limbaugh and their lemmings about the head and chest with a rubber hose."
- Jason -
 

How on earth can Americans expect to be respected when they can't even decide who to vote for as President - the ex-baseball team coach or the guy who has helped run the country? Either way this whole stupid thing has descended into a farce. Why didn't people vote for Jason?
Stanley Tetley
You're being distracted - can't you see it? Look out of your window, Stanley. The US Army just invaded Ireland! Quick! Turn on  Channel 5! See us? We're waving to you! Look behind the President, to the left of the book case, down near the waste basket! Hi Stanley!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Now Jason ran for president, and Simian was his VP, but where was Elvis in all of this? If I remember correctly, he didn't play a big part in the election process. Was it because you guys feared that his former porn career could cost you the election, or did you guys have a poll determining whether people liked his frosted, grey, poofy afro? Just wondering, as I think elvis is pretty sweet.
Lucy
Elvis didn't play a big part in it because he preferred to kick back, drink vodka and cranberry juice, and go bowling.  We told him we'd do all the governing if he'd help with the penguin voters.  As his reward, he'd have a reign over the White House bowling alley.
- Jason -
Thanks, but my porn career never really took off in the first place. Do you really think I'd be doing this if I was making toys for a living? What toys? What are you talking about toys? I never even had a toy.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Do you have a note from your mom?
Wad Nobber roger_bare@hotmail.com
No, but I have an email from her: "The attachments are to her kitchen aid mixer. They have the grinder, slicer  and something else in one package for 119.00 at Lowe's. I think she really wants the moose. I spoke with her today about Friday's concert and she brought the moose up again. Mom"
- Jason -
 

Where the hell is Simian! What kind of retarded freak have you replaced her with?! Mr. Lardlumps! Sounds like pig fat! (kicks Mr. Lardlumps reapetedly in the groin) Take that, and that, and that! (flicks off Mr. Lardlumps) Get rid of that fool!
Guess Who?
I'm not retarded! My head is just bigger than normal because of the drugs my mother was taking before I was born! You know, I'd kick your ass if I knew who you were.
- Lardlumps -
 

What's your favorite Battlebot?
Me
I like the design of Mauler even though its creators appear to be a rare variety of Californian backwoods inbred hicks.  I also liked Grendel even though it did look like something you'd use to extract an engine block from a car.  Next year, I'm gonna build a nuclear powered battlebot with a vaporizing phaser assembly and call it Mother.
- Jason -
I like Beaty the best. Like you didn't know that!
- Lardlumps -
 

What the hell is Lardlumps' problem? He needs a bit of an image overhaul. Hmmm lets see, a few bullets in the brain might sort out the attitude problem, but the fun would be over too soon. I guess torture on a medieval rack, with Jason and Elvis at hand to jam  hot pokers up his ass first might be more entertaining. Has anyone any other things they would like to do to Lardlumps?
Stanley Tetley
Go ahead, and when I'm done teaching you F$%#heads not to screw with me, I'll show you what a REAL overhaul is - with my tractor!
- Lardlumps -
 

I have a new philosophy. it's called "Ass Violence" What do you think?
Keebler Messiah roger_bare@hotmail.com
After chasing Keebler out of our office, we told Mr. Lardlumps that letting his army buddies live in the bathroom was against Snackwurst's Employment Policy. Then we tried to push him into Jason's science experiment, but that jerk tied us up in between the urinals. Picture it. Anyway, we have to go take showers now. See ya!
- Elvis Shortliver -