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Mr. Lardlumps is really turning me off. He should watch the Cindy Margolis Show and go on a diet, and maybe actually get laid (I hear prison mates aren't too picky) and maybe he'll be happier. Or does he have something against diets?
Lucy
Excuse me, but I think I look a HELL of a lot better than Cindy Margolis, Sweetie. How can you even compare us, we aren't even the same sex?? You're not a lesbo, are you Lucy? Like I'M not gonna like Prison! Please, that's like going to a candy store.
- Lardlumps -
 

Lardlumps, who pissed in your corn flakes this morning?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
(whistling and looking around)  Who indeed?
- Jason -
 

I have a crush on my teacher. He's like 9 years older than me, but it's not a big deal coz I'm 18 and legal, and I voted, hooray! I was wondering if anyone could tell me how I could start a relationship with a man who gave you an F in history? He's cute.
Lucy
Remember the story of George Washington? Oh, of course you don't, you failed history. Well, George was a famous rebel who killed people on his horse and had black people as slaves and cut down trees to make his own fake teeth and when he got older, he married his sister who was alot younger & everyone looked at him funny. Is that what you want? People to look at you funny? Wait until he gives you at least a C- before putting the moves on him, Lucy. In the meantime, maybe you could learn something from your Chemistry teacher?
- Elvis Shortliver -
Oh, I know this one!  Grab his head, cram it between your hooters, and jump up and down and side to side.  That always worked on my home planet.  Oh yeah, and then, when you get him naked, give his manhood a failing grade.  Or you could just give him an F if you know what I mean?
- Jason -
Is it Mr. Baxter? Cause I had him for History too & he's wicked hard to pass. Haha! Summer school for you!
- Lardlumps -
 

Hey where is the monkey? She was much funnier than that Lardlumps loser. Come on where is the monkey?
Chicken Bake
We're still not sure.  She's up and disappeared.  Elvis and I have been discussing it, and the last time we remember seeing her, she said she was going out to get booze.  Or maybe she said she was going to take a snooze?  Anyway, we have the penguin patrol looking for her.  It shouldn't be long before they turn up a lead, or at least some nice tasty anchovies. . .
- Jason -
Oh? Do you REALLY want to know? Coz I can show you.
- Lardlumps -
 

The source of my power.....

Jason, If we're comparing lives - maybe a dipstick would be the best tool? Or perhaps we should just cut to the chase, pull our pants right up tight, and ask Dolores? It's your call my chartreuse friend.  But remember,  only ask a question if you can deal with the answer. How deep is your lurve? Doc Savage. PS Advance copies of "THE BOOK OF THE NIGHT" are, as we speak, scandalizing polite (and deviant) society  here in Toronto.   It could be a long winter.
Doc Savage http://www.thefunnybone.com/ihmc/
Who is Dolores?  What the hell is a lurve?  I don't wear pants (normally).  Long winter? Dipstick?  Now there you go with the sexual connotations again.
- Jason -
Hey! I've only been here for 3 weeks now, but I know the rules, and there is NO pulling down pants on this website! Zip it up, Dinky!
- Lardlumps -
 

OOOOOOOOO ... Monkey pelt on eBay for $35.74 a pound ... *????* ... Simian?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
I checked it out, too, and it was a fake one. It looked a lot like her fur, but when I finally got it in the mail, it turned out to be a piece of cloth with human hair clippings glued on. It's kool though - I wore it to work the other day & everyone thought I was Mr. Lardlumps. Then he beat me up again.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Would Eminem be a good babysitter???
Mike
I teach my kids to torture their babysitters, so they better know what the hell they are getting into if I'm gonna give them my freakin' money. Bunch of thiefs.
- Lardlumps -
 

Ahhh... So Jason really DID win the election. Well, I don't read the papers much anymore. So, here's my question, How did Jason win the election? I mean with the whole Penguins can't vote thing and all. How ever did you manage Jason?
Shmiley
Well, as weird as it sounds, I believe I have the Canadians to thank. . .but we haven't figured out exactly why yet.
- Jason -
It's kinda funny, but the penguins actually created a great diversion - they couldn't pull the toggles all the way down, and it only punched half through the ballots. Lucky for us, Big Tad makes a great political Advisor, and now nobody even knows that we're living in the private smoking room off of the Oval Office... Well, it sure LOOKS like an Oval Office. We took the pillows off of our sofa & piled them up like a fort & we turn the TV onto CNN & it sounds like we're really there!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM???? STORKS?????? Mike Yes, storks that have been infected with a mutant strain of the Chinese fowl virus gradually metamophosize into human babies. - Jason - A moron like you should be euthanized & studied so we can understand what we did wrong. - Lardlumps -

OzzyPedro Predicts " will be the source of everyone's power."

Should the Electoral College be thrown out?
Mr. President
Not until my kids graduate. I didn't spend my money so my kids can move to California & become hippies. They better get a good education because I spent half of my retirement money on those rotten pieces of crap, and now they just keep calling me for more. Throw out the Electoral College? What are you, one of them Peace Fighters? Get out of here, you hippie! And take your damn solutions with you!
- Lardlumps -
Maybe, but the garbage man came a day late because of the holiday last week, so we'll have to wait until next week if we're gonna do something about... OH, you're talking about the ELECTORAL College? Oh, no, they all seem like a good bunch o' guys. Let's let them all live.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I once received a call from Regis Philbin during that "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" program.  Apparently I was the lifeline used by a contestant. Problem is, I never met the contestant before in my life. How do you suppose he got my phone number, and do you think Regis is somehow involved?
Wild Bill
(Nudging Jason) Gee, We don't know. Isn't that strange? (giggles)
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I like rice Do you like rice?
Wojit
Uncle Ben?  Is it really you?
- Jason -
 

I advise youngsters in the ways of the mystical Jedi. I have the power to crush a million supernovas. So why am I still ignored when I go to Radio Shack?
Yoda
See, that's funny, because last week I went in there to get Jason some doo-hickeys for his contraption & 2 of the employees shouted "Hey! You're that Elvis Shortliver guy from that crappy web page!" and they chased me through the mall and I had to hide in the Foot Locker for 20 minutes! You're really lucky, Yoda. But if you can really crush supernovas, then why would you need to go to Radio Shack in the first place?? Eh???
- Elvis Shortliver -
And I advise idiots how to assemble various electrical components into devices which studies have shown cause cancer in laboratory rats. I'm the manager at Radio Shack.
- Lardlumps -