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I bet you think your funny don't you? Don't you?
wizzer
How about YOU tell the jokes, and I kick your ass?
- Lardlumps -
 

If you could give all the "glory" you get from "helping" people here away, what would you rather be doing?
Diamond Dog
Well, after spending three long weeks in the same cubicle as Mr. Lardlumps, the only thing that comes close to "glory" is from a pipe dream, and there's NO way I'm going anywhere near the restroom right now. Man, what is that guy eating - zoo food??
- Elvis Shortliver -
Watch Elvis's hair when I stick his tongue on Jason's antenna! Har Har! Look at them go!
- Lardlumps -
 

So Lardlumps, will you buy the book or not? I know "GREASEPAINT NINJA" has some bigger  words in it so why not wait for reprints of "THE BOOK OF THE NIGHT" (Doc Savage and  Dorlores Dewberry - Mighty Wang Press)? It's all pictures, but you might need to hide it from your Mom. Check it out and then, if you want to compare lives, I'll happily break out the measuring tape. Sincerely, Doc Savage. PS Miming is a cancer - or at least a really nasty and embarrassing social disease.
Doc Savage http://thefunnybone.com/ihmc
Aren't you being a little optimistic at thinking you'd need a measuring tape when a ruler will clearly be more than adequate.
- Jason -
 

Have you ever wondered if Montel Williams is really Ru Paul? Or visa-versa? I've never seen them at the same place.
Diamond Dog
Can you speak English please? I'm not too fluent in Idiot-ese.
- Lardlumps -
 

What world the world be like without Simion? Gosh! It's hard to imagine, isn't it?
Shmiley www.ieatcrayons.com
... And the Lord came down and tooketh all of the idols from the world, as well as our monkey, and the Lord spaketh at us in a harsh tone saying "Wow! What a KEWL Monkey! Here is a Shmiley in exchange!" and we all sat speechless for a very long time.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Where's that sucker you told me about who wants to be an advice columnist ? Oh yeah... please change our Crappy Advice logo to this one here...

I still don't understand why didn't Jason win the election. Why didn't he?
Shmiley www.gwbush.com
Whatever do you mean Shimley?  We DID win the election.  As I said earlier, we're just waiting for the White House to call and tell us to come on over.  I'm really confused about this whole Florida thing.  I mean, Gore and Bush are fighting over a moot point-I've already won!
- Jason -
 

What is the best way to deal with Jesus freaks ?
Lipp Lippington jwallo970@aol.com
Treat them like the Moses freaks, only instead of the whole "Fake Flood" thing, nail them to a cross until they pass out, then after they wake up, send them back to the church carrying corn.
- Elvis Shortliver -
I usually just answer the door wearing only a goat mask and Jockey briefs.  They usually run screaming.  If you're talking about the local band of the same name in which case you should buy them a beer, 'cause they're pretty cool.
- Jason -
 

HEY!!  NO NO NO NO NO!  I came here again, and my monkey is gone!!  Have I missed something?  Where is my monkey??  I want my monkey NOW!
The Jester
That was MY monkey, pervert! Touch me again & I start shining my shoes with your head!
- Lardlumps -
 

Jason, I'm sorry that the white house won't return your calls, but we can still play "president and intern" if you'd like. Would you like? I promise I won't tell Flagg!
Lucy
Hey, are you by chance into female mimes AND little green alien guys, because this sort of opens up a whole new avenue of entertainment for me.
- Jason -
 

Jason, I know you hate mimes.. but could you love.. a sexy mime woman?  Think of all the advantages.  Big pouty eyes, never argues with you, tons of fun at parties..  If you want, I have such a mime waiting for you.  She won't complain.
Cupid
You don't know Lucy by chance do you?  Because hypothetically, if you did, and hypothetically if your acquaintance and she were really close friends, and hypothetically if your acquaintance and she both really wanted me but were willing to share, I'm thinking it could just be the high point of my life.
- Jason -
 

Why can't those two bozos just share the presidency? One could be in charge of corruption and the other could be in charge of graft, and they could both declare war on small defenceless countries, to boost their popularity, at will. No one over there seems capable of counting votes (or even knowing who they voted for in the first place), so surely this is an ideal alternative.
OzzyPedro http://www.give-me-money.com
Ok, but don't tell them that Jason won! he's tapping into the White House's computers to open the front gates. Shhh! Nobody's supposed to know! Man, living large never seemed so easy!
- Elvis Shortliver -
That's a damn good idea Ozzy!  Who would have ever thought that a distant descendant from penal colony inhabitants could have come up with such a great solution.
- Jason -
 
 

Was scotch tape invented in Scottland? Shmiley www.mchawking.com Yeah, and then they wrapped themselves in tape, invented flypaper & began a colony of morons bearing children who ask stupid questions. Get it? - Lardlumps -

OzzyPedro Predicts "I am a  lovin' Australian."

So I am happily sitting in my favorite chair at home and suddenly my priceless ming vase falls off the chimney mantle.  Why did that happen?  I had placed it so that it would not fall.  Does it have anything to do with Jason leaving and entering our atmosphere?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
OK, you caught me. So what? Huh? Come on, lozer!
- Lardlumps -
 

You know, I really don't want Gore or Bush as the leader of this country. What happened to all the FDR's and Kennedy's? Well, we know the GOOD Kennedy's are dead, so we know the answer to that question, but we need another FDR. We should just get Tori Amos to rule the world, and we'll all be happy. Big Tad can be her VP! This is great! Hooray for liberals! How are you guys doing?
Lucy
Pretty good, thanks! I think I'm coming down with a cold though.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is it possible to preserve a fart?  Cause my brother has some really good ones and I am sure we could make it into the Guiness Book Of World Records if we could just show the authorities.
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
Oh NO you don't! That's MY record! Get over here & pull my finger!
- Lardlumps -
 

The warning on my flu and sinus pills state: "Discontinue use if your eyeballs become suddenly way smaller."  Is this stuff safe?
Wild Bill
I'm sorry, I've been having trouble reading these questions since I've been taking this Tylenol cold and sinus medication.  What were you saying?
- Jason -
 

When the hell are the Harlem Globetrotters ever going to win the NBA title?
Wild Bill
I met Meadowlark when I was 10, and boy was he tall. And his tail was very shiny like a peacock. His beak was golden and he signed his name with a feather plucked from his left wing, and suddenly chaos was unveiled as my friend Tommy Hilfiger tossed him a basketball and broke his neck. We never had a pet again, but Mom made us bran cookies & we quickly forgot about him until now. Nah, I'm just kiddin' - the basketball missed Meadowlark & he flew away pooping on Tommy's head.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

well glancing through the rejected questions i see i was once again placed there i feel this is in error and would like a manual recount of the votesby porfessional advice law do i have a case?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Sure, but I should warn you.  Elvis and I (and Simian if we can ever find her) have recently seceded from the U.S.  We now practice a sort of agrarian socialist dictatorship type of government whereby we kill anyone who interrupts us while we're drinking beer and watching Battlebots.  Are you sure you want to appeal in our court?
- Jason -
 

Oooh, I'm so scared! Mr. Lardlumps says he'll shove my wheelchair off his roof. I'm shaking in my boots! He Lardy! Shove this! (Shows middle finger). Where the hell's Simian!?
Bobo The Hobo aww, forget it.
Been there - done that. Had the shackles removed last Tuesday. You know, you really ARE messing with a power that you don't understand, like witchcraft, only with more spit & slobber. And instead of witches & spells, you have crabby old men & slaps in the face. Help us, Bobie One Kehobie, you're our only hope.
- Elvis Shortliver -