Okay ... the other day I posted a command.  PARK NOW.  Granted, it wasn't a question ... but my question now is:  What the Beejeezus caused me to sign it JEMM DOLARI.  What kind of Braniac would sign her name all wrong on a publicly respected site like this one. Excuse me, I need to go flog myself....
Jenn Dolari http://members.aol.com/jenndolari
Need help?  Mr. Lardlumps is pretty good at that kind of thing.
- Jason -
I wish your PARK NOW command would work now so Jason & I could get away from Grumpy Lardlumps. Snackwurst Corporation obviously didn't look at HIS resumee. He used to work as the trainer for MacDonald's Managment Center, but he was fired for teaching new managers how to puke on the Big Macs to boost profit levels. Simian never puked on anything, if you forget about Jason's Y-2-KKK party. Grenadine.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Hey, did ya miss me??
SpunkyMunky
With every bullet so far. . . Of course, if I were elected, guns would be replaced with Nerf dart shooters, so if we actually did hit you, it wouldn't hurt.  Vote for Jason X!  Incidentally Mr. Lardlumps will NOT be my VP, we still intend to use Simian.  If we can't re-animate her, we're simply going to take her to a taxidermist and have him install a drive-thru speaker in her so we can make it appear that she's talking.
- Jason -
Sure, SpunkyMunky! We missed you so much! Now before we start your free 10 minute reading, can we have your credit card number? You can enter it after the tone...
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How do you make pot brownies? Good ones? Moist ones?
Laila
Step 1) Purchase Betty Crocker brownie mix.
Step 2)  Pour contents in flower pot
Step 3) Mix well
Step 4) Bake
Step 5) Eat
Addendum:  To make good ones, use a clean flower pot.  To make moist ones, use more water.
Addendum 2:  Don't take the flower pot from Mr. Lardlumps' house.  He's been an overbearing Nazi bastard since he walked in our door to help fill in for Simian.  Geeze I miss the monkey. . .
- Jason -
 

When was the last time someone asked a question on this that required advice, instead of just showing off their knowledge of (They Might Be Giants Is Good) such words as pneumoultramicroscopicsilicavolcaniosais? This site should be renamed "We answer your question/babbling in wacky ways", but then you'd need a new domain name....
Wojit
Who the HELL do you think you are? That crippled guy in the wheelchair who has to talk using a computer? Well??
- Lardlumps -
 

If I spontaniously combust in an abandoned forest, do the trees grow legs and flee?
Wojit
Is that smoke I smell? Nope, it's just the fumes from the paper mill.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I want advice, but I have not problems, please make some for me
Wojit
You ARE that crippled guy with the computer! HA HA! You can't fool me, Buster!
- Lardlumps -
 
 

What exactly does "Follow me, don't follow me. I've got my spine. I've got my orange crush" mean? Does it have anything to do with farnarkling? OzzyPedro http://www.give-me-money.com Sounds like one of Elvis Shortliver's wretched poems. Whoever still likes poems should join the witness protection program as far as I'm concerned. Expressionism should be silenced or Big Tad's gonna get a cap in his ass. - Lardlumps -

OzzyPedro Predicts "You will like   smothered with  sauce."

In the short time I've been here, I've grown hideously addicted, spending all my free time here, reading your advice. How do you guys do it?
Lucy
I think that's sort of a personal question to ask how we "do it" isn't it Lucy?  Tell you what, if you get me elected for President, I will personally invite you to the White House and show you.
- Jason -
Polish steak sausages. And I get paid every time I mention Polish steak sausages on this page - oh I said it twice! I'm workin' overtime! Polish steak sausages! Polish steak sausages! Polish steak sausages! Jason, I think I found a way out of here!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I have been trying to figure out a way to drink Kleenex. Can you help ?
ikbah shamir riskntrade@aol.com
Good idea, that way you can wipe your ass as you use the bathroom.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to liquify Kleenex.
- Jason -
Kleenex is undrinkable, but the dog will tell you otherwise.
- Elvis Shortliver -
You're an idiot, got it? Does that help?
- Lardlumps -
 

Will you buy my new book?
Doc Savage http://thefunnybone.com/ihmc
The mime freak speaks. HELLO! I think it's time to get a life, We're talking about MIMES here, not cancer, morons! Puh-lease.
- Lardlumps -
 

What's up with those people at 7-11? Who are those people? What is up with that?
Shmiley
Some guys dressed in suits replaced my answer with this sentence, and then told you to accept it.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Does Simian like anyone? Don't get me wrong, she's funny as hell, and tells it like it is, but does she maybe respect just one person on this planet? Just one?
Lucy
I've never met anyone that Simian respects, however, if you think Simian is bad, wait until you getta load of heir Lardlumps.  He makes Hitler look like Mother Theresa.  Simian does get kinda clingy after a few dozen shots of bourbon, but she still doesn't respect us.
- Jason -
Are you picking a fight with us, or are you trying to read a eulogy?? WHO SENT YOU!?!? Uhh, sorry Lucy, we're a little on edge since we got the phone call. Simian's really just a little monkey, you know.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Oh, Boo-Hoo, the monkey's missing. Here, let me wipe the tears off of your face.
- Lardlumps -
 

First of all, you have my URL wrong on that little frenz page of yours, shows how much of a friend you are. Now for my pointless question: How do you guys get SO MANY PEOPLE to your web site? (You may notice the sarcasm if you like)
White Paul www.thebigblah.com
Mr. Lardlumps to the front desk.  We have a troublemaker that needs to be dealt with...You may borrow my "searing pain stick" if you like...
- Jason -
I don't know. Jason thought it was a bogus link on someone's web site, and Simian thought it was a monkey thing, and Mr. Lardlumps says that he doesn't give a crap. I can't prove it, but I think all our visitors are the same person, who has multiple personalities, similar to your character.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What makes you think I'm in England??
Stanley Tetley
Your email smells like crumpets.  Does England need a new president because I know somebody who'd be perfect for the job.
- Jason -
Duh!
- Lardlumps -
 

So what did you lot really do at Halloween? I assume you didn't need to dress up to frighten the little children. And by the way, I'm from Belfast, Northern Ireland, so now you know. Apologies please for the English thing!!
Stanley Tetley
I shut off all the lights & stared at the curtains blowing in the wind. But I wasn't super scared, that is, after I shut off the fan.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Mr. Lardlumps to the compliant desk please. . .
- Jason -
 

What do you think of "The Taming of the Shrew"?
Tina
I believe that Shrews are naturally wild animals, and any attempts to domesticate them should be avoided.
- Jason -
Is that the show where 4 direction-less adolescents take turns annoying each other / having sex with each other? I never watch MTV anymore, I'm so out of touch with reality.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Whoever thinks about Shrews should be inflated with a bicycle pump until their head pops.
- Lardlumps -
 

How come every time I go fishing, I almost catch a fish, and then like right before I reel it in, I looked over and my dad had hung himself - WHY DAMNIT????  WHY'd YOU LEAVE ME ALONE IN THIS WORLD DAD???????
Kevin Quinn www.goldengirls.com.com
Quick! Go look at the license plate on your car - see the state? That's why, and don't you even THINK about moving!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Relax! There was no fish in that lake because the lake was really your toilet, Poseidon!
- Lardlumps -
 

I just want to disco. What's so wrong with that?
Lucy
Um, because this is the year 2000, and disco died out in 1979.  I would offer to take you back, but after the whole transdimensional drive incident, I'm a little wary of time travel.
- Jason -
I'd read you off the list, but it'll piss me off, and I just got out of the hospital from my triple bypass surgery. So go play with your sissy friends, Lucy.
- Lardlumps -
 
 

Where is Jesse Camp? (the ex Mtv veejay with the sort of speeeechh im im imuhhpedement)? If you guys know.. I would endorse him for president and Cory Haim as V.p.. ( mainly because of his policy to make the streets drug free) ... also I htink Christopher Walken, or even the wierd ass old guy who used to be on the Ernest P Worrell show would make Ideal leaders of this nation. Or Flava Flav with your very own monkey as vp. Traci Lords as the chief of Staff of course.
crambone
Jesse can't come to the phone right now. He's too busy bagging groceries. But thanks for asking! I'll tell him you called.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

We regulars also know that being singled out and ridiculed isn't what it's cracked up to be Shmiley ..... right?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Look! The beginnings of a rebellion! Maybe they'll boycott asking questions! Oh no! Oh, no....
- Lardlumps -
 

Do I have something on my head?
The Amazing Walking Bernhard
You do now, sucker. Snackwurst makes it's tobacco bubblegum extra slimy.
- Lardlumps -
 

Who do you think would win in a fight between Calista Flockhart and a ballpoint pen?
Delilah
How would you know which is which?
- Jason -
Is that a pen in your face or did I miss?
- Lardlumps -
 

So I'm going into town and I try to buy some Cookie Crisp, but then you know the Secret Service comes in and they're hittin' me and hittin' me and.. Hey!  Who's hittin' me?  STOP IT!    Okay.  Love me.
The Jester
Coming in here every day this week has been just like that. And then Mr. Lardlumps unlocks the trunk & we get to be his drively slaves all stinkin' day - FOR WHAT? What did we do, Snackwurst? I can't hold it in any longer - and all you want is for us to just shut up & take it? Damn you & your corporate logo - damn you.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Do you believe in me?
God
Um yeah.  Sorry about that little incident with your gates and my space ship.  Just send your claim to my insurance agent, and we'll get them replaced pronto.   Also, you might want to consider replacing them with titanium instead of gold, I think they'll hold up better to wear and tear in the long run.
- Jason -
 

God Save the Queen. How much saving does she need? She's rich, and surrounded by Army bodyguards etc. Maybe we should sing "God irritate the Queen". What do you reckon? Or not? Whatever. Have a nice day (and other Americanisms). Bye.
Bill
Hey, I have one for ya: Gore Bush Gore, Lieberman Cheney Bush Bush Bush. Ralph Nader. Clinton? Perot! Bob Dole. Bob Dole Bob Dole Bob Dole. Answer: Jason X!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Oh, laa-dee-dah. You should hang out more with Stanley Tetley. You guys go get your hair cut or nails done or some frilly thing.
- Lardlumps -
 

If I was swearing at you, in Swahili or Bhojpuri or some other weird language, would you know? Would you send Big Tad after me? Ooga booga!
OzzyPedro http://www.give-me-money.com
Hah - We FOOLED you! We don't even know those languages! Now what are you gonna do? Huh?
- Elvis Shortliver -
And how about I stick this shovel up your ass, Assy! Go play with your dingo, American wanna-walla-be!
- Lardlumps -
 

I love New York in June?  How about you?  I love a Gershwin tune. How about you?
Chihuahuaboy www.chihuahuaboy.com
I love to watch toy poodles tracing a perfect parabolic arc across the turf when I punt them.
- Jason -
Meet me at the Shark's Wave tonite to get down. I'll show you my kicking routine.
- Lardlumps -
 

If you take the last letter from every chapter of Evelyn Waugh's "Vile Bodies" it is an anagram of "Richard Nixon is a big poopy head".  Are there any other books that do that?
Whitestuff Meshmeat
I've found 3 so far. Franz Kafka's "The Metamorphosis" translates out to "Doodle Bugs Doodle Bugs Cute Fuzzy Doodle Bugs", Seuss' "Hop On Pop" spills out the sexual banalism "Bill Clinton's A Hot Pepper", and War & Peace is "Beware On Friday November 17, 2000 Because You Will Be" - Hey, YOU try to finish War & Peace! I dare you!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Whoa! Did you see the size of that chicken?
Lester Vomitsack
Yeah. Urp.  Yummy.
- Jason -
 

I'm on a mission from god.
Elwood
And I am here to introduce him to you.
- Lardlumps -
Oh good.  So my insurance agent sent you?  Well, I guess you need a statement about what happened right?  OK, I had just installed a new prototype transdimensional warp drive and I was out to test it right?  So I activated the drive, and next thing I know, I see these giant golden gates bearing down on me.  Unfortunately, my gravity brakes weren't working too well, and I plowed right into them. Then these winged people came out and started throwing fireballs at me, so I called IAA (Intergalactic Automobile Association) and they came and towed me away.
- Jason -
 

What should I do for my birthday this year?
Tina
Get drunk and do it?  Just stay out of Lardlump's rosebushes.
- Jason -
Well, I'm guessing you've been thru a few & already know what to expect, and therefore you are asking us for new creative ideas. How about plastering YOURSELF with frosting, poking lit candles into your ears & prank calling Betty Crocker? Anyone can write a cook book, you know. There's already too many rebel musicans. It's about time we had a rebel cook. The Frugal Gourmet just doesn't cut it anymore.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Will you reject this question this week? If not, why not? If so why?
Shmiley (Mr. Non Self-Esteem himself) http://hometown.aol.com/USuck351/index.html
You're STILL here??
- Lardlumps -
 

Hey, Jason, wanna be President for SURE?  It doesn't cost anything.  Just your soul..
Satan
Sorry, I guess you forgot I already have an agreement with you.  Remember my ATM card in 1996?  Remember my pin was 6661?  Remember you agreed to give me unlimited cash in exchange for my soul?  Is this like some kind of subscription renewal thing?  Does getting my soul expire if I live a certain period after signing the agreement?
- Jason -
 

What question should I ask?
darp www.darp.nu
Go ahead, ask us what happened to you after we gave you the black eye & the fat lip? Go on, ASK!!
- Lardlumps -
 

I just saw "The Hair Witch Project 2: Bottle of Conditioner" It was very disturbing. I mean Alfred Hitchcock meets Quinten Tarrentino disturbing. This movie was perverse. It takes place around a small-time hairstylist in upstate New York, he hears about the original Hair Witch and her cursed conditioner, and goes to seek out this urban myth. The movie's dark undertone not only repulses, but brings up issues about human decency. Morals and values are questioned in this film and bring up antidogmatic themes which are, supprisingly, quite boring. So with that said I'm wondering, How in God's name did the producers get away with this one? I mean, bribes can only go so far can't they? Have you guys seen this movie and do you agree with me?
Shmiley
See, now I saw Hair Witch 2, and I have to say that it was one of the scariest hair movies I've ever seen, and the groundbreaking use of editing made me cry. Apart from that weird "Shot in the arms with potatoes" scene, I'd give this film a thumbs up, but I can't because we banned potato jokes a long time ago.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

So if Simian is a marmoset, and Jason is an alien, what is Elvis? I don't think he's human. He doesn't look human. What is he?
Foofoo Vroom
We believe Elvis is a Human/Hedgehog hybrid, but nobody really knows for sure.  Incidentally, I'm not just an alien, I'm a genetic mishmash of DNA from Michael J. Fox, a panda, and a bumblebee.  Simian is also unique in that she's the only known marmoset who can out drink Ted Kennedy.
- Jason -
I'm Duncan, the human yo-yo. Watch me do the sliding triangle - whoops! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

OK, so when I come to this page on Monday, and nothing has changed.  What meaning does life have?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
Haven't you said enough, Guido? Listen to yourself!
- Lardlumps -
 

So when people are golfing, and someone yells "Fore!", how come everyone looks up for the ball rather than running for cover under a local gazebo or golf cart?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
Because the expression you made the last time was hysterical! Now can you hold my 9 iron, I think it's starting to thunder again.
- Elvis Shortliver -