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OFFICIAL
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October
09, 2000
Elvis Shortliver |
Simian T.
Marmoset |
Jason X |
| My
fellow Americans. Recently, you may have heard on any major network
that I and my running mate Simian were caught engaged in questionable activities
at the campaign headquarters. I want to assure you all that these
allegations are totally true and unfounded. We were in fact playing
twister, after our mascot (Peppy the Penguin) had been eating his meal
earlier on the twister mat. We were just getting started playing
our favorite game and we realized as I was placing my left foot on the
red circle that the mat was saturated with oil. Analysis indicated
it was cod liver oil left over from when Peppy had dinner consisting of
several species of fish. Unfortunately, about that time, I slipped
and as we tumbled to the mat and ourselves became covered in oil, our campaign
director assistant walked in. Seeing us giggling uncontrollably covered
in oil and smelling of cheap booze, he naturally assumed the worst and
ran to get Elvis. Elvis upon entering began taking photos for display
after we won the campaign to show how fun we were. As misfortune
would have it, Elvis left those photos on the desk near the window for
all reporters to see, and that is where we are now. I want to assure
each and every one of you that we were not engaged in any questionable,
immoral, unethical, or misguided practices -- I mean, come on people --
she's a marmoset and I'm a radioactive alien! We're not even compatible.
Sheesh, what's a guy gotta do around here to avoid being strung up for
a completely innocent activity. Holy crap it's really annoying these
media people always looking to dig up garbage on completely honest people
and. . . . ..
 Elvis
here: Sorry to interrupt that presidential candidate address, but
Jason was beginning to rant and we felt it best to cut him off before he
started using his bad words. We'll keep you all updated on the status
of our campaign and look forward to your vote in December. What?
Oh, yeah, heh heh, we look forward to your vote in November...
<Elvis
runs in> Hey! Come back here, you impostor!!
|
Sponsored By
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THIS
WEEK'S QUESTIONS
So
when can I meet Big Tad?
Maggie
http://www.krush.org/magglez
When
you can find his mummified corpse.
- Jason
-
Uttara
are u there ? Are u there ?
sumeet
das
We got
featured last week on Hikashumatsushita, the Japanese version of The Psychic
Friends Network. They think I'm 'Big American Comedian Like Seinfeld'!
Go Yankee, my ass! So if anyone out there knows Japanese, PLEASE TELL THEM
TO STOP! I don't want to change my name to Harry Kerry!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Monkey
BAD, Beer GOOD!!!
CarNut
I'm
not bad: I'm just drawn that way.
- Simian
-
Coolio
... you guys are back! Notwithstanding the fact that I don't know if you
actually did leave ... all I know is that one day there was a wwwvoice,
and the next day there wasn't! I tried to take your place through wacky
inspiration ... but was sucked into the vortex of commercialism, cheap
alcohol and the siren-esque calling of all denim shirts! My question ...
where were you? Are you still onions? Or eggs? Or albino childern of Mr.
Potatoe head?
Clayman
http://claymandc.bizland.com
We move
around from Simian's trailer, to my space ship to Elvis'. . .well, let's
just call it a domicile. I am a hybrid alien created from DNA
obtained from a panda, a bumblebee, and Michael J. Fox. Elvis is
some sort of human-hedgehog hybrid (we think), and Simian is a marmoset
(don't call her a monkey, she'll pee in your shoes).
- Jason
-
Wrong,
but thanks for playing. Thank you! I'll be here all the week.
- Simian
-
Clayman?
What the HELL are you talking about? I have a GREY AFRO! Where do you live,
Acidland? Is that located next to The Vortex of Commercialism? I heard
that's where they send people when they're missing 'stuff'. Are you missing
stuff? And what the HELL is a wwwvoice? Explain yourself!!!
- Elvis
Shortliver! Ughh!! -
PS -
Mr. Potato Head's 'E' is SILENT!
Why
is it your not supposed to smoke when putting gas in the car ? I mean people
do know where the gas goes in the car. It's not supposed to go in your
mouth. I don't get it .Please help.
Lem
Lemmington Ultrashock@aol.com
Once,
when we were re-fueling the car Simian noticed the fuel we were using had
20% methanol. Not realizing that methanol is the lethal relative
of ethanol (found in booze), she hopped out and started sucking on the
pump nozzle. Fortunately, it was the nozzle for the tire inflator
and after about 20 boxes of Gas-X, she was back to normal. Ever hear
a marmoset screech interrupted by an ear splitting belch? It wasn't pretty.
- Jason
-
Leftover
humor from the cold war is NOT kewl. Besides, We're goin' diesel, so get
out yer checkbook!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why
God? Why?? Oh wait. It's because of the monkey, isn't it? Dirty apes.
The
Jester
Oh I
see how it is. Blame the monkey. Blame the HARMLESS, ENDEARING, LITTLE
monkey. Oh how convenient. It couldn't just be because you're totally LOONY
could it Jester? Hey I can't help it if Rosie O'Donnell happens to be a
member of YOUR species!
- Simian
-
 I'LL
JUMP!!!! I SWEAR I WILL!!! ICAN FLY SO I WON"T GET HURT!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Thud)Mommy?
CarNut
Carnut15@usa.net
If they're
ever in need of a poster child for the DARE program, he definately isn't
to be found here. Luckily, CarNut only bumped his head on the hood of his
Nissan, but we all laughed anyway.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Did
you know the longest word in the english language is pneumoultramicroscopicsilicavolcaniosais?
Well, it is.
Bobo
The Hobo
Yes,
but the smart doctors refer to it by it's less technical term: Black
Lung. Around here, we all suffer from hepamegamacroscopicsillyvulcananus.
. .I think it's something to do with being exposed to excessively weird
humor for extended periods. It's not lethal though. The victim
just ends up in an insane asylum eventually.
- Jason
-
I think
Simian seems neurotic enough to send to the mental institution, Jason.
I might be willing to pay about 50p for such a victim, sorry, willing participant
in my projectile vomiting research.
Stanley
Tetley
(I'm
starting to see some kind of pattern emerge here this week...) You have
a real strange fixation on vomit, don't you Stan? I don't think that's
all that normal. But then 'normal' isn't how I'd describe the British in
the first place. Inbred, maybe, but normal, no.
- Simian
-
Jason
- be King if you want - but I gotta warn you, the guy waiting for that
job is a madman with big ears! Oh, and that beer and football thing - sounds
good to me (as long as it's proper football - not what you guys over there
laughingly call football. You play it with you're HANDS, for God's sake!!)
Have a nice day.
Bill
Jason
can't come to the phone right now. He's trying to raise Nixon from the
dead. Can I have him call you back when he gets finished? Or would you
like to speak to Checkers instead?
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Okay
Jason, here's the deal: I noticed that you sometimes mentioned that you
like sex, and I am a virgin. I need a real non-human to teach me everything
I need to know. My question is: Can you meet by the big oak tree around
the corner next monday at five? I'll be wearing anything you want me to!
P.S. Tori Amos had a baby girl and named her Natashya!
Lucy
Gulp!
Simian, Elvis, I think I hear the authorities approaching. . .for the record,
<thumping finger on table> I. . .did. . .not. . .have. . .sex. . .with.
. .that. . .woman Lucy!
- Jason
-
Is
it wrong to Scotchgard a cat? You'd think they'd appreciate it, but
they don't.
Delilah
Cats
are fickle creatures. They'll eat the heads off mice and cough up furballs
on your new carpet, but they have this real problem with learning how to
mix a Manhattan for you when you come home from work. I just don't get
it.
- Simian
-
|
OzzyPedro
Predicts
"s
smell like feet."
|
|
So when
man invented dirty rotten pro-creativity, why did goats get all the blame?
Guido
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
The
same reason we don't still drink Billy Beer. It's a good thing that I hoarded
some in my tool shed. With age they still taste like dirty underpants,
but hey, I can handle the nausea.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Is
it really a good time for IHOP?
Bobo
The Hobo
It's
always a good time to go to I-HOP! Where else can you get an extra delicious
plate full of artery clogging French toast and sickly sweet, highly confectionary,
boysenberry syrup? Where else can you slip into a pancake-induced coma?
I-HOP is the center of the universe - right up there with Denny's.
- Simian
-
Jason,
how do you feel about not getting to be a part of the presidential debate?
Bobo
The Hobo
Initially,
I was really sad, but Elvis, Simian and I are gonna go toilet paper the
White House while the next debate is going on. Then we're gonna fly
to Texas and egg George's house.
- Jason
-
|
Bobo
|
Simian,
I think yer the prettiest onionhead! Will you go to my senior prom with
me?
Unregistered
Guest
Can
I bring my pet llama Zsa Zsa? And my collection of empty beer cans? Oh
and is it okay if I bring a date?
- Simian
-
Where
for art thou Romeo? Is thou in the bathroom? Is thy toilet clogged again?
Shmiley
Peterd1143@Aol.com
I was
going to answer this in Shakespearian prose, but I had a sudden mysterious
urge to slit my throat in some weird love-pact sort of thing, and we can't
have that. So this ONE TIME I apologise for not being able to give a helpful
answer. Sorry.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
 Is
it ok to use "portentious" and "pretentious" interchangeably?
Daniel
David Talsky
That's
like making a Martini with vodka instead of gin. It's not a Martini anymore
- it's a Cosmopolitan. Not that you can't consume either one in large quantities.
Yes, alcohol is the answer. Lots and lots of alcohol. Now, what did you
ask me again?
- Simian
-
Is
it miller time?
Bobo
The Hobo
If you're
referring to the carbonated alcoholic beverage, and not the task of grinding
corn into flour, then yes. At WackyAdvice, Miller time runs between the
hours of 7 am and 4 am Monday through Saturday -- we can't buy beer on
Sundays.
- Jason
-
What's
your guys's problems? Huh?
Bobo
The Hobo
Here,
drink this. But first I must warn you, it'll make you dead.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
See
above question.
- Jason
-
REJECTED
QUESTIONS
These
questions were so bad, we read them & had to go lay down.
WARNING:
DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR
REJECTED
Why
should I become a jedi pokemon ultimate trainer? What are these weird balls
in my Nissan? Are the Japanese brainwashing me?I hate pokemon. I prefer
Tokemon.
CarNut
Visitor
used the word 'balls' in his question.
REJECTED
Why
can't you get any good Mexican food in Washington state? It's a conspiracy
isn't it?
Tina
Avoiding
questions involving 'running of the bulls', 'roller-disco', and 'U.S. States'
this week.
REJECTED
So
you three are only answering 8 questions each, eh. That means none of my
questions will make it past the rejected bin, including this one. Maybe
you've been working too hard and what you really need is some extra help,
which is where I come in. Whatya think, could White Paul become a Porfessional
Wacky Advisor?
White
Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Visitor
tried to answer his own question, but we stopped him in the nick of time.
REJECTED
AAAHAHAHAHAH
Jason's saying "like" alot. I think he and that "whinny hopalong"
guy got sucked into some weird vortex where all of the "clueless" fans
reside. Hope you guys can get out of there and if you can see if
Alicia Silverstone will come with you. Cause I need a vegetarian
in my house to eat all these carrots.
Guido
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
Suspect
White Paul stole question & replaced it with this incoherency.
REJECTED
Ok...
now you guys have to change my picture... I chopped my hair off... its
like cut right below my ears... is that ok?
Bailey
Tried
to cut hair below ears, lopped ears off instead.
REJECTED
Can
you shop smarter than Wards?
Bobo
The Hobo
Already
spent all our money recklessly on campaign bumper stickers.
REJECTED
How
much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Big
Buba
Big
Tad wants to Bug Buba's question face to face.
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