Elvis Shortliver

Simian T. Marmoset

Jason X

THIS WEEK'S QUESTIONS

Est-ce que ce le langage est du diable?
Jean-Pierre http://www.finances.gouv.fr
Arrêtez maintenant avec les Français effrayants! Je suis sur le bord du désespoir encore! 
- Simian -
I think it's Axe-Murderer Smurf. He doesn't like the accent. Either that or it's a story from the Bible. Nope, the Bible is fictional. Jean-Pierre, Look out! Le Smurfe! Le Smurfe! Oh no.
- Elvis Shortliver -
PS - I didn't really try to translate the question, even though I DID really take six damn years of French. Damn them!
 

Why did you send your pages to me twice last week? Is once not enough?
Stanley Tetley
We were planning to double the page sends each week until we drove you insane.  I estimate that after 20 weeks you'll be utterly neurotic.  Then we were going to sell you to a research hospital and use the money to take a trip to Cabo San Lucas.
- Jason -
Help me please! I'm being attacked by some rogue fish sticks and a giant wombat! Skipper! Skipper!
- Simian -
 

Why did the Xena series have to end?
Tina
She stopped lactating & her body fat dropped causing her to look like Leona Helmsley. I heard she just got a job as Whitey Bulger's bodyguard (Xena! Mafia Princess!), but we all know that Whitey's a big sham, just like the pet rock, winning the lottery, and Denmark.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is there any problem with wearing only garments made out of 'velour'?  Particularly stretch pants and v-neck shirts.
Daniel David Talsky
There's a problem for me.  My intense radioactivity causes it to melt off of me and leave a sticky puddle of molten goo everywhere I walk.  Plus it shows off my soft squishy belly.
- Jason -
Velour! Captain Kirk wore velour and he sure looked snarly! Of course, he also wore a toupee, which didn't look so snarly, it looked more like a dead hamster stapled on his head, but somehow he managed to get all the space chicks. And how come Sulu never got any space chicks? Was he a social leper or something? He too wore velour. And he didn't have a toupee. Am I the only one who cares?
- Simian -
 

I have this overwhelming suspision that Newton is Satan.  Yeah he did some great things with physivs, but that calculus crap is ... crap.  Are my suspisions true?  And what's with the pinky ring?
Tina
Yeah, why would he torture us into learning something we'd never use in our lifes? They're ALWAYS doing that. Who cares if the monkeys are our ancestors, or the fish used to walk around on land - WAY before people made bunt cakes & spammed their buddy lists. I'm on to you!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 
 

Wow my powers of rejection are increasing .... how much longer til I become a master at rejection? FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com You know, maybe I've consumed a little too much gin and cough syrup, but I don't think Don Knotts was all that funny.  - Simian -

OzzyPedro Predicts "A  will be born from a virgin, and MAY be misconstrued as the reincarnation of Sgt. Pepper."

I think last week someone spiked my beet juice with crystal meth .... which led me to ask all those questions all night long so which one of you did it?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
<pointing at Elvis> I think Simian did it <winking and pointing at Elvis>.  She has contacts in South America you know.  <Stuffing crystal meth under couch cushion>.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure Simian did it.
- Jason -
 

Why is it that my former email address has changed suddenly without forwarding any of my mail, and without uploading my address book so I can tell people why I haven't responded?
Diamond Dog
Do you think it had anything to do with the eight thousand hundred emails you sent out trying to sell free web space? Or all the cyber-stalking in the innocent and friendly chat rooms on AOL? Here's my impression of your typical AOL-er: YOU GUYS ALL SUCK! I AM THE LORD SATAN! SPRINK ME YOU BLOAMITY BLOAMERS! 
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Can I get an eggroll?
Greg http://lampslide.com
You know, some people don't like William Shatner. Me, I think the man's a genius! Who else can stretch a 2-minute dialog into an hour? Who else can chew scenery with such forceful vengeance? Who else can act like a giant piece of uncooked hammocks like Shatner? No one I tell you! Of course, he can't act as well as, say Sinbad, Cory Haim, and Sally Struthers, but that's just nitpicking. 
- Simian -
PS - no.
Would you like regular or cat-free?
- Jason -
 

Yo, Elvis, I saw that photo Bobo drew of me and... well, butter my buns and call me Bizquick®, it really does suck! So at the bottom is a REAL snapshot of me in my favorite hat and bow tie. Also, I sent alot of questions. Fine. But stop making everything I write REJECTED, I don't deserve it! (Well maybe a little, but that doesn't count.) So without futher adue, my picture: [Unable to display image] That's me!
Shmiley
Whatever!! 
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why is is that whenever filming goes on at my school, and in my town, everyone on set is a jerk, they trash the place, they won't let me into MY house for 45 MINUTES because they're busy filming. 
Diamond Dog
Perhaps because you don't realize you live on a movie set?  Didn't you ever notice your lawn is astro turf, and when it snows, it's just a confetti material?
- Jason -
Probation isn't a right, it's a privilege. Like stretch pants. Now stop complaining or we'll send you back to the orphanage.
- Simian -
 

What's up with the freaky weather? Cold, hot, Hot, HOT, cold, rain, HOT - how should one dress under these circumstances?
Diamond Dog
Well, I suppose the best thing to do is just start walking around nude so your body begins the long & gruesome process of adapting to the extremes - hey, better to be safe now, because the apocolypse isn't that far away. Is it?
- Elvis Shortliver -
I wear my space suit.  I has built in air conditioning and heating, and I just had it retrofitted with a programmable thermostat, so it will automatically switch from heating to air conditioning as temperatures dictate.
- Jason -
 

I have an etiquette question.  When one is abducted by aliens from the Rigel 7, is it okay to bring a guest?  Should I also bring wine?  If so, red or white?
Chihuahuaboy www.chihuahuaboy.com
Aaaaah! The apocolypse is here! Too late for adapting to the extremes, Bonesy! There goes my trousers! Weeee!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Oh those wacky folks on Rigel 7! They'll take out your liver and show it to you just for fun! Forget the wine, you'll be drinking fresh toxic waste while they experiment with sharp needles on the fleshy part of your eyeball. So sit back and enjoy your wild stay on that hip party planet!
- Simian -
 

None of my questions ever get answered, or rejected... I'm hurt. Does that mean you guys don't love me anymore?
Bailey
Well, love is such a subjective thing Bailey.  I mean, I say I "love" stuffed crust pizza, but it can't love me back, so can I really love it?  I might also say I love to drive over helpless pedestrians, but there's really nothing physical there to love, so I'm not really sure love is the right word.  Now, back to your concerns:  since you don't physically exist in close proximity to us, then is it really possible for us to love you?  I mean, how do we know you're not an artificial intelligence program running on a big machine somewhere that has no capacity for love?
- Jason -
 

My neighbor is this guy name Chuck and he has a pony tied up in the back yard.  The other night I got bored and rode it around town, I think that maybe I also robbed a liquor store, but I can't be totally sure as I was freebasing that night.  Anyway, will a belt sander get my finger prints off the pony?  I don't need any more jail time.
Whitestuff Meshmeat
Bunbun happens to LOVE ponies, so you better cut the crap, Whitestuff, or she'll find you, and when she finds you, well.. she'll... she'll... she'll... she'll... she'll... you just better watch yourself there, Bucko.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Uh, Whitestuff? That wasn't the pony you were riding.... And when Chuck gets out of intensive care, man you better get out of town.
- Simian -
 

Ok, so its like, I dont like, get this. Like see, theres like this guy, and like, I like TOTALLY have this like, HUGE, like, thing for him, ya know? And like, he thinks I'm like, scary!! Like, what is like, up with that?! Ya know?! 
Whinny Hopalong
Like, I like think like perhaps like he like thinks like you're like scary like because like you like say like like way like too like much like.  I like have like some like high like voltage like probes like that like we like could like connect like to like your like scull like that like might like alleviate like these like like symptoms.
- Like Jason -