Elvis Shortliver

Simian T. Marmoset

Jason X

THIS WEEK

Why do my wet hamsters explode when I dry them in the microvave?
Dark Cloud
Because they can? I sure as heck can't just simply explode, can you? But maybe you should talk to THIS rodent before you turn the microwave on.
- Simian -
 

Hola, melamo CarNut. No Habla Espanola. WAZZUP!!! Watcha doing? Nothin' much. Watching the game - smokin some bud. Do you guys want some bud?
CarNut
Hello asteroid. Hello asteroid. Have you been to WackyAdvice.com? I learned that CarNut's medication wears off when the sun comes up. Aaaah, the sun. Aaaah.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Did you miss me? Do you even remember me? Elvis, did you remember to bring the bread and milk home? Why is Jason so obsessed with females, he's not even human?  Am I allowed to ask this many questions?
Jen jenjenpop@hotmail.com
We remember you, and yes we did miss you -- with every bullet so far.  I'm really not obsessed with females Jen, well, except for perhaps Nikki Taylor, Winona Ryder, Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, Natalie Portman (is she legal?), and perhaps Angelina Jolie.  I just wanted to appear perverted so the American public would elect me.  Penguins are really into that sort of behavior among elected representatives too.  So, uh Jen baby.  Wanna take a ride in a  space ship?  You can be one of the premier members to join the billion mile high club. Yeah Baby!
- Jason -
 

Their is the chap at work who always asks me questions about dumb stuff. That is not what bothers me though. Instead of pronouncing the word "Question", he pronounces it as " queskin" Should I correct him?
Mad Man across the water riskntrade@aol.com
Sounds like this bloke is Australian. If that's the case, tell him there are some wild Dingoes hiding inside the photocopier. When he goes to look, beat him over the head with some kippers and clotted cream. Then send him back to Paul Hogan-land in a wicker basket addressed to OzzyPedro.
- Simian -
Great! NOW how am I going to answer all of these queskins?? Crap.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Well, I got another problem. Please explain to me why the voices in my head keep telling me to "PUNISH THE BAD, BAD, BAD, MONKEY!!!!".  This has been bugging me for 2 seconds now.  Help!
The Jester
<whispering> "Jeeeesteeer, puuuniiiish the baaaad, baaaad, baaaaad, moooonkeeeey. . . "What?  Oh, er, uh, gee Jester, I dunno, have you considered therapy?  It sounds like you might be suffering from multiple personality disorder or something.
- Jason -
Are you one of the fascist lawyers for P***bury(tm)? Coz they all think I'm a bad, tax-dodging, copy-right-infringing primate. But then again, you may just be allergic to bananas. Either way, good luck on your trip to the psycho ward.
- Simian -
 

Is "Circle K" aware that "Special K" is a powerful sedative given to farm animals? I really don't have a reason for asking this but, hey, you win some you lose some. Right?
Shmiley
I think I'd be more curious to know if Kellogs is aware that "Special K" is a powerful sedative.  I think it's kind of a funny coincidence really, well that and the fact that I myself had Special K for breakfast this morn. . .<thud>.
- Jason -
Special K is way too overrated, if you ask me. I'd suggest stepping up to Cracklin' Oat Bran or Smart Start, or even Product 19 if you want to save some money. But stay away from the bran! Oh, Shmiley, PLEASE say you already knew that, will ya?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If both Apple & Microsoft came out with Linux distributions, which one would you pick?
Juxtapostion
Well if it's anything like those little stinking crab apples falling in my yard, I'll keep my Radio Shack COCO (I know it shows my age, but I know most of you won't get it, so I'm filling you in... sigh... Radio Shack made this really lame pc called a Color Computer, or "COCO" for short, way back when I was a teen in the early 80's - it was a VERY early version of a personal computer. You used your TV set as a monitor, and you had to program it yourself. Therefore, my answer is very funny so you should be laughing right about now, get it?) ... now, what was I saying? Something about Charlz Schultz characters? Woah, now I'm even going over my OWN head.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Jason - if, somehow, you fail to become US president, you could always come over here to England and become Queen. It's a job for life!!!
Bill
Oh joy.  I could eat steak and kidney pie all day, and I could drink some decent beer for a change, and I could get really fat and bloated and nobody would be able to say anything about it because I could have them beheaded.  And I could ride around in nice cars throwing bottles at pedestrians and. . .hey wait a minute.  Why can't I be king?  Are you calling me gay, you daft wally?  'cause I'll just trundle on over there and kick you in the bloody bollux if you are and leave you laying in the back of beyond.  And I don't want to hear you whining about it.  If you're not calling me gay, then apologies bloke, let's go to the pub, watch some football, and get blotto.
- Jason -
 

I was at my local Sears the other day, looking to buy a hair dyer for my cat.  I noticed that they had this warning attached about not using the hair dryer while in the shower.  My cat can't read!  Why would they even bother?
Chihuahuaboy www.chihuahuaboy.com
Cats do the craziest things! Like one day I found my cat using my credit cards to buy Woody Allen's liver! And Woody Allen isn't even dead! Can you imagine? She'd later puke up fur balls on my new issue of Guns N Stuff magazine. Oh those wacky felines!
- Simian -
 

Why does Gatsby have to die?
Tina
Because Steven "The Rifleman" Flemy doesn't like no stool pidgeons. Better get over it REAL quick, Tina.
- Elvis Shortliver-
 

Do you want to kiss the pinky ring or hold a washington lumber party??
Wojit
I want to make a law when I become president that people who keep talking about this freaking pinky ring will be summarily executed on pay-per-view.
- Jason -
 

I have a problem... I have the hots for Kathy Lee Gifford.  I dream that one day we will open our own shoe factory staffed with child slaves, and every morning she and I could go sniff the shoes and beat the kids.  How can I make this stop?
Whitestuff Meshmeat
You have the hots for Kathy Lee?? You DO have a problem! Hey aren't you the missing limbs guys? Instead of having your child slave labors make shoes, maybe you should have them fashion you some prosthetic limbs. Or better yet, you should forget Kathy Lee and stick with having tons of preschool slaves. Child labor is cool.
- Simian -
 
 
 

Who am i? anonymous Flagg? No? Joseph Stalin? No. Beelzebub? Mother? Gosh I give up. - Simian -

OzzyPedro Predicts "."

Well, the Olympics have been going on now for over a week now.  So how come I haven't gotten a medal yet?  WHERE'S MY MEDAL?!?!?
Wild Bill
Because the "sit on your ass guzzling cheap beer" competition hasn't started yet.  I won a bronze in it 8 years ago.  I can't wait for the "pointless event that contributes nothing even remotely useful to humanity except to give a bunch of losers who don't want to do any real work something to do" competition.
- Jason -
This is what happened the year they tried to merge the Summer Olympics with the Special Olympics. More people cried watching TV that day than the day of Princess Diana's funeral.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

This page is sos tupid? did you guys have to think a lot for it?
Go Do Your Dishes
'Tupid'? What does that mean? If I knew what the hell you were talking about I think I'd be really indignant about now.
- Simian -
 

Here's one for your rejected questions pile: Why is Elvis Shortliver such a fag?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Thanks, White Paul. You've advanced to the very top of one of my lists - YOU guess which list it is.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Hi, I'm Jason!  I'm evil!  I'm going to run for president.  Blah blah blah!  Hehehehehe.
the Evil Jason impersonator
The killer mime squad has been dispatched.  You have 10 minutes to live.  Thanks for stopping by.  Please come again if you're not buried under a pile of leaves with Waldo.
- Jason (The testy but not-so-evil, running-for-president, real Jason) -
 

Ok, they say "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."  What does this mean?
Daniel David Talsky
It means that you should send me money. Tens and twenties are good. C notes are more than appreciated. Oh and make sure it's American currency - that Canadian stuff isn't worth lining the cat box.
- Simian -
Remember that guy who used to come around your neighborhood in his Jeep, and your mother would get her knives sharpened? Remember what you were thinking when she looked at you, holding those shining daggers like they were a dirty pair of your Huggies, and you swore that you could read her mind saying "Damn you for making me change your diapers" ... oops, I've upset the breeding public. Looks like MY goose is cooked now.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Fire BAD, fire BAD!!!!
CarNut
Would have answered, figured Carnut is probably just a smoldering pile of charred organic material by now.
- Jason -