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Elvis Shortliver

Simian T. Marmoset

Jason X

THIS WEEK

Most public buildings are non-smoking facilities, so how is it that there are always cigarette butts in the urinals?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
As a female monkey, I don't get the pleasure of actually seeing a urinal up close and personal like. I'm sure it's quite a lovely sight, all that shiny porcelain and such. But I must say I'm a little disturbed that someone would smoke while using one. Granted if you started a fire on your pant leg you could put it out with pee, but think of the mess that would make.
- Simian -
Those aren't cigarette butts, Guido. Philip Morris would NEVER put something so natural in his tobacco.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Who do you like between the Patriots and the Jets this Monday night?
Wild Bill
Well, I thought "The Patriot" was good, but I think "Braveheart" was a better Mel Gibson movie. On the other hand, I do like jets, though I think they're a bit of a primitive propulsion technology.  I dunno, is there anything else I can choose?  I think squeegees are pretty cool. Now what's all this about Monday?
- Jason -
 

If you Be All You Can Be in the U.S. Army, does that mean you Be About Most of What Your Potential Might Be if you join the Army Reserves?
Wild Bill
Yes.  And if you join the Salvation Army, it means you're not being potentially all you could have been -- your weapon is a whimpy little bell that goes 'tink'.  If you join the French Foreign Legion, it means you're being nowhere near what anybody else could have easily been.  If you join the Swiss Army it means you'll be beaten mercilessly  by the enemy when you whip out your Swiss Army Knife and they have a 20mm automatic  weapon.  If you  join the Russian Navy, it means all you'll ever be is trapped in a big  submarine on the sea floor.
- Jason -
Potential as in learning how to fire weapons of mass destruction, or potential as in pummeling every person who wears a silly hat and talks funny? Hey, it beats cutting the grass every weekend, right?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

HA! I got you fools to make a potato joke! (Check last week).
Bobo The Hobo
HA! We get you to come to our site and ask us idiotic questions each week!
- Simian -
 

How do I get my hair to do that afro thing Elvis Shortliver has going?
Wild Bill
All you have to do is use Jason's antennae as a tooth brush. Then he'll freak out & punch you in the face, knocking 7 of your teeth out (I met Wayne Gretzgy in the recovery room!) and when you get out Jason is being so difficult that you have to kiss his butt (typical for people who desire powerful occupations to need -- Go Jason!), resulting in a hairstyle not too far from mine. Or you could just use Electro-Gel 2000.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why is it you suck so damned much?
sobrietyislost
Because you stopped drinking?  Oh no, wait, it's because I was trying to siphon gas out of Elvis' car but didn't realize his car was modified to run on Crisco.  Have you ever tried to suck Crisco through a quarter inch hose?
- Jason -
 

There is a girl at my school who is into raves. She tends to wear 100s of pounds of "raver candy" on her wrists. She also manages to write "PLUR" all over. She claims it means, "Peace, love, understanding, and respect." Am I wrong in thinking it REALLY mean "Please Let Us Reek?" because, that is no lie.
Diamond Dog
That's just my Aunt Starlight, she has a lifetime subscription to Prozac, Lithium, Ultra-Lax, & "Reds" (not exactly sure what these "Reds" actually do, but she swears they stopped working the day Jerry Garcia died), and that smell is just her noxious musk perfume. The "Dream Catcher" hanging on the rear view mirror of her Volkswagon Rabbit convertible says it all.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Call me silly again and I'll take Big Tad's pinky ring and shove it up your pee hole... Oh ya, have to ask a question. Uh, why is the sky blue?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
White Paul, where's the love? Where's the love White Paul? I'll tell you where it isn't - it isn't in Big Tad's pinky ring. Now stop scaring the children and put your lederhosen back on.
- Simian -
 

What's the deal with daylight savings time? Eh?
Bobo The Hobo
It's my birthday, Bobo. Did you forget again??
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Park.  Park Now. Park this ver instant!  PARK, DAMN YOU, PARK!
Jemm Dolari http://members.aol.com/jenndolari
Apparently Jemm doesn't realize earth vehicles aren't voice actuated. . . I did recently finish building a voice actuated SUV.  Wanna try? Accelerate. OK, now brake hard!  Release all tread on right rear Firestone tire.  Lose  control!  Aim for that tree!  Roll over!  Eject occupants.  Burst into flame.  Play  dead.  Good SUV. . .
- Jason -
 

Do you have any idea of how many people die in movie theatres? I'm just asking because the next time some idiot behind me keeps whispering what's going to happen next I'll bust a cap up in his ass (a bottle cap that is).
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Oh, nice going, John Wilkes Booth! You just shot the President!
- Elvis Shortliver -
I love you Grandpa. That's why I'm going to kill you last.
- Simian -
 

question: How do you handle someone that asks alot of questions?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
We usually just have them killed.  It's really a very painful process involving nipples, jumper cables, 12 volt batteries, water, and lots and lots of questions.  We picked it up from Simian who witnessed the procedure in her native South American rain forest.  You should've seen the look on Elvis' face the first time she clamped those jumper cables on.  It was priceless!
- Jason -
 

Why does a big fat man advertise disgusting Australian food at Mc Donalds here in Ireland?
Stanley Tetley
Australian food? You mean like Dingo Burgers?! I LOVE Dingo Burgers! And fried koala shanks! Hey if it's good enough for that freak of nature, Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, then it's good enough for this little monkey. Pass the wallaby please.
- Simian -
 
 

How do you enable macros in word 2000? FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com Hit Alt-Ctrl-Shift-F7.  Press enter.  Left Click.  Right Click.  Esc. F4.  Ctrl-Alt-Del. Enter.  Eject.  Insert a cigarette in each ear.  Light them.  Bend over until you can  see your ass.  Sit down. - Jason -

OzzyPedro Predicts "s are like farts, kinda."

Wasn't Alice in Wonderland originally a chapter in the Bible?
The Ghost
It took Jesus so long to raise Lazarus from the dead because he accidentally raised Fred, who had just gotten stoned twice (with rocks, that is) for creating the first anti-drug campaign, so Jesus had to figure out how to kill him without going against his own faith, and THEN the rabbit was late, and on top of ALL THAT he mistook Alice for The Angel of Mercy. He almost peed his pants! HAHA! It was just the wine talking though.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Actually it was a chapter taken from the Book of the Dead. And if you read it backwards in its entirety you can raise the corpse of Matthew Broderick. Oh no wait, he's not dead. Yet.
- Simian -
 

R U Stupid or something?????
Crazy Girl
Duh, <licking mouse>, no, <inserting banana into left nostril>  I don't think  so <unsuccessfully jamming fork in electrical outlet> why do you ask?  <taking bite of peanut butter and K-Y jelly sandwich>
- Jason -
 

I have a pet shark.  What is the best way to house train him?  The rolled up newspaper isn't working, he just bites it in half.
Chihuahuaboy www.chihuahuaboy.com
Forget training him. He's forever going to be doing something naughty like biting the furniture or devouring your roommates. I have 4 words for you Chihuahuaboy; Fire Up The Grill.
- Simian -
 

Do you ever get Deja-Vu?
Bill
Not really
- Jason -
 

Do you ever get Deja-Vu?
Bill
Well, now that you mention it, yes.
- Jason -
 

How can I make myself stopping screwing around in wood shop class?  I only have so many fingers remaining!  Help!
Whitestuff Meshmeat
Start screwing off in another class, like chemistry. Go make a concoction of phosphorous and hydrochloric acid. Then start spilling it on things like, say, your pants. You'll forget all about those missing fingers.
- Simian -
Stop hanging out with FLAGG. Sheesh, haven't you read the archives?!?!
- Elvis Shortliver -