Elvis Shortliver

Simian T. Marmoset

Jason X

Well, summer is over. And what do we have to show for it? Not much, I can tell you that. Aside from our new penguin speechwriters and all those empty bottles of Nyquil on Elvis's lawn, nothing much has changed. The midget interns are still bowling each other down the stairs, the wild ferrets are still on the payroll, Sunday is still Oswald Honkers night at Clownie's Meat Shop, and we're still out of gum-flavored pancake mix. So without further ado, we suggest that you finish up the BBQ pork-roll, drink the rest of the maple syrup and sit back to enjoy our spiffy questions and answers! Now brought to you every week (Maybe....we'll think about it....okay, probably every week....don't make me go over there...).

THIS WEEK

On the show "Want to be a Millionaire", how come the pal of the contestant seems to always sit in a place where the camera can pan on both of them at the same time?
Protozoa
Because asking the contestant's pal to sit on the camera itself would have been perverse. Especially if the contestant's pal was female. . .
And really good looking. . . .
And wearing a mini-skirt. . . . .
With a g-string underneath. . . . . . .
Um, er, well, I suppose it might just be a coincidence.
- Jason -
 

On the show "Want to be a Millionaire", do you think the color of Regis's ties help the contestant to think better?
Protozoa
I believe the contestants would think better if Regis wore a bag over his head. But then, considering the questions range from "What color is the sun?" to "In the story, The 3 Little Pigs, how many pigs were there?" one has to wonder whether the contestants are really 'thinking' in the first place. 
- Simian -
 

On the show "Want to be a Millionaire", I know you get 3 life lines, but how come you can't "buy a vowel"?
Protozoa
Obviously, you're the one who stole all the A tiles out of my Scrabble^TM game! I'm telling Regis, and when he finds out, He's gonna mail you off to the Gifford's home -- Sheesh just give them back ok?
- Elvis Shortliver -
More importantly why can't you buy a fresh human liver? I think if the show were to be renamed "Who Wants to Own Millions of Human Innards" the show would be a top ten ratings hit. You know, like the new Hollywood Squares. "I'll take Whoopie Goldberg's pancreas for the block."
- Simian -
 

Psychological wall of torture??? Is that the new game area at Mcdonalds?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
No, you're thinking of the Emotionally Scarring Play Area of Death and Depression.
- Jason -
Isn't strange how Ronald McDonald looks strikingly like a young Bill Gates? Maybe its all that bright red lipstick and mime-white face paint, but I'm telling you - Bill/Ronald is one sick bastard.
- Simian -
 

Do bags of sick make good projectiles?
Stanley Tetley
Would you like to be hit with Chris Farley? Seriously, because I can do it. No, really. I can. Really.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I'm an insane, troubled, and somewhat silly young man. Plus I'm evil and I like to burn stuff. Why can't I get a girlfriend??
The Jester
Now I'm not really evil myself, just mostly drunk. But I really can't see what the problem is here Jester. You seem like a fine, upstanding, cross-dressing psychopath to me. And you know, not a lot of vile, mentally unstable freaks are bold enough to dress like a Bavarian schoolgirl. Good luck man.
- Simian -
 

Have you ever had an epiphany?
Shmiley Peterd1143@AOl.com
Yeah, but the zoo made me give it back because I couldn't provide it with adequate care and feeding. Oh wait, an epiphany. Yeah, I had one once when I suffered a severe blow to the head from an engine block. My friends told me I was twitching pretty violently for about 5 minutes. Oh no, that's not it. I had an epiphany when I realized Jolly Old St. Nick probably has heart problems, joint damage, and an increased risk of diabetes and colon cancer because he is extremely overweight.
- Jason -
An epiphany? Is that anything like a krueller, because I swear I had one of those just before I had my blood transfusion, which led into 5 months in a coma, then waking up & realizing that 5 whole months had passed, and THEN I couldn't get used to the time change? It was pretty good!
- Elvis Shortliver
 

I don't get enough love at home. Please love me? 
Maggie http://www.krush.org/magglez
Sure <hug>. Aaaaaaah!!!!!, run Elvis! run Simian! It's a trap, she's squeezing the breath out of <gasp> me with <gasp> her hooters. . .
- Jason -
 

WHERE CAN I GET THE BEST SHOPPING CARTS, DAMNIT!? ANSWER ME! Or else... umm... JUST ANSWER IT!
Bobo The Hobo yokey43@yahoo.com
In Bill Gates' driveway?? How the heck would WE know? Bobo, you're really scaring us. What is the obsession with shopping carts? What should we be doing??
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 
 

Why me? Shmiley Because no one else would wear the yellow fright wig and vinyl lederhosen while getting raw pork stapled to their chest. That's why. - Simian -

OzzyPedro Predicts "s will NOT come back in style unless YOU take the initiative to bring them back."

This "Girl Power" thing-I think its some type of plot. It scares me because I have a daughter thats into it, what can I do?
McDougal
Explain to her that if the technology existed, and laws permitted, total conversion of her body mass to energy would provide enough power to light a small city for several days? Now THAT'S what I call girl power.
- Jason -
First, you definately shouldn't let her watch The PowerPuff Girls. That's not helping a bit, McDougal. Look on the bright side though: Rock Hudson's gone!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I bought my very own cadidate last week. He seemed very nice, so I took him to my house fed him several Alka Seltzer tablets and he exploded! Why?
Chihuahuaboy www.chihuahuaboy.com
Probably because you asked him a yes/no question. Political candidates cannot be asked yes/no questions, they must only be asked questions that permit them to skirt the issue and answer so as not to offend liberals or conservatives thus maximizing their chances of being elected. When you asked a question that could only be answered yes or no, it caused a cascading overload of his neurons and a subsequent explosion.
- Jason -
Heck if you fed me that I'd explode too! If its not mixed with bourbon then why drink it? Look Chihuahuaboy, most candidates, excluding Jason and myself, are just big bags of hot air. Yup, they're gaseous anomalies just waiting to burst into a million pieces when their logic is challenged. Hopefully you kept your receipt on this guy. 
- Simian -
 

Why did the potato cross the road?
Bobo The Hobo yokey43@yahoo.com
To get away from all of Shmiley's incessant questions. Oh, and because the nuclear winter was making most potatoes bark like dogs. What do you want for free? Real comedy?
- Simian -
 

I used to be a mad question person at wwwVoice, but when that ended, I started visiting the Tori Amos forums, and didn't know there was wackyadvice until I revistied Spanky's website today. So I ended up here, and it looks like this site is done pretty well. My question is...is Tori Amos pregnant? We've all been wondering this. :)
Lucy
I......... I....... I.. I.. I... CAN'T STAND IT!!!! WHAT HATH THE MUSIC INDUSTRY WROUGHT?? WAAH HAH HAH HAAAAAH.... NOW I'M STUCK WITH MY FUDGE BANANACRAPPLES 45'S WAITING FOR THE 8 TRACK PLAYER TO BE INVENTED! WHO THE HELL THOUG... UHH...           TORI AMOS TORI AMOS TORI AMOS!      There. Whew! That's much better. Lucy? Where did she go?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Where's Waldo?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Decomposing under a pile of leaves, rocks and dirt about 247 feet off of I-64 under a maple tree near exit 94. 
- Jason -
He's hiding in the trunk with Spridel and Chim Chim.
- Simian -
 

A test? Are you people evil or something? What happens if I don't take your evil test??
Slim Jim
You get put on our "uncooperative" list, which is forwarded to Satan's soul collecting agency. From there, it's basically out of our hands.
- Jason -
 

Do you like watching people get tattoos?
Becca
Oh No! You can't fool me again! That's exactly what Bobby Gillis said to me in the 6th grade while we were playing "Soldiers Of Doom", which prompted me to have the Ayatolla's face tattooed on my ankle. It's tiny enough that I can cover it, but big enough that it won't stop laughing at me...
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Wonderbra?
Bailey
Yes, yes, hell yes! Pictures?
- Jason -
 

I am confused on who to vote for in the November elections. I was leaning toward Gore, but hey, learning about that trash mouth Bush has, dont you think a guy who calls people sons a bitches in front of their families ...and of course "walks with a big stick" too - is JUST what this country needs!!?? 
L'Immenso
Jason's a freakin' alien! You think HE'D put up with that crap? One of his promises is to lift the immigration laws & make public drunkenness just a meandor... err.. meaner, Mister meaner. HIC. Don't you get it? Jason is the cure for alcoholism!
- Elvis Shortliver -