Elvis Shortliver

Simian T. Marmoset

Jason X.

THIS WEEK

What do you guys do when you take a week off? 
Jeanie
Well, we plot to take over the world. Taunt circus midgets. Juggle chainsaws and lawn furniture. Throw canned ham at mimes. And then there's Human Sacrifice every Thursday. 
- Simian -
Mostly watch Simian get drunk and pee in Elvis' shoes.
- Jason -
No amount of psychotherapy can soothe the pains from this occupation. Working in this dump, answering these questions with potty humor, and now Jason won't shut up with the whole "I'm running for President" thing. And it smells like stale monkeys in here. Oops, did I just type that in? I guess the cat's out of the bag now, isn't it.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Hey Shmiley! SHUT THE HELL UP!!
Bobo The Hobo yokey43@yahoo.com
While we love the outlandish antics of Smiley we must admit that Bobo is on to something here. Every once and again, a little bit of warped sanity appears here at Wacky Advice. Testify!
- Simian -
 

Are all white rappers evil?
Bobo The Hobo yokey43@yahoo.com
The reason there are so many white rappers today, Bobo, is because all the really good musicians are now either in drug rehabs, jails, cemeteries, or designing stoopid humor web pages. Get it? Just wait until future first lady Tipper Gore throws in her two bits,  then everything will sound banal like Herman's Hermits again.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Ever notice how the word "rap" is one letter away from the word "crap"?  I believe that's all that needs to be said on the issue of rap and rappers.
- Jason -
 

My boss is a freak. He's unorganized and gets in everybodies way. I hate how he micro-manages me. The other day he started to rearrange my desk! I like where my phone and stapler is on my desk. How do I tell him to stop and leave me alone. p.s. He has his own desk too.
cubicle grl #492
Smear mayonnaise on all the items on your desk. Leave jars of cheese around your cube. If he asks, tell him that you like mittens, circle your chair then growl like a mad dog. This should either get him to leave you alone, or get you sent to an insane asylum.
- Simian -
If it were me, I'd politely walk into my Boss's office and say: "Excuse me sir/madam, I just wanted you to know that if you don't stop re-arranging my desk, I'm going to staple your damn hand to my phone and shove it politely up your ass!  Thank you for your time.  Have a nice day."
- Jason -
Replace that stinkin' stapler with a nail gun, and go right into his office and nail his feet to the floor & nail one hand onto his phone & the other onto his stapler & then nail a note right to his forehead that says "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"   -- - that might be a bit harsh. Maybe just put a tack on his seat?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

It seems to me that shmiley is trying to imitate me by sending a multitude of questions every week..... does that make me a cool role model?
FLAGG
Flagg? Uh, you as a role model for our visitors? Have you broken into CarNut's 'happy medicine' again?
- Simian -
 

If you spill a corrosive substance in your eyes, how the hell are you supposed to read the label on the bottle to determine whether you should:
A-Induce vomiting
B-Flush eyes with water
C-Remove eyes
D-Fire warning shot into head
E-Drink substance to speed death
?????? Cause this toilet duck is really starting to hurt.
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
That's a good question Guido.  At one time manufacturers considered printing responses to contamination from their chemicals in Braille, unfortunately they decided that if you got a caustic substance on your hands and it dissolved your fingers, you'd still be screwed.
- Jason -
 

Where is my prisoner mime? I left him here last week! Aren't you people supposed to take care of them? One word LAWSUIT!
Spooky www.angelfire.com/music2/Coby
The mime started conjugating verbs into French, and then he began spouting Napoleatic hypocrisies against the United States, so we naturally couldn't keep him here. Hah, they say you can break a loaf of french bread, but you can't break a mime - indeed! Anyway, We sent him off to Uncle Matty's mime rehabilitation clinic where he will be trained not to bark, to stay in his box, and to stop wiping his makeup off. Unfortunately, Spooky, you owe PBS two hundred bucks. Mime doesn't pay!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 
 

Why do people from greenbay wear cheese on their heads? Is it the law or something? Shmiley More importantly, why does the team from Green Bay call itself "The Packers"?  <shudder> - Jason -

I think shmiley is a mime.... am I the only one that thinks this?
FLAGG http://www.acidtrip.com
Yes, now go get me a beer.
- Simian -
 

OK its time to try something different...... instead of asking a question I will put an answer and it's up to you three to give me the question........ answer is............ eleven out of twelve times.
FLAGG http://www.yahooka.com
Oooh, I just love Jeopardy.  OK, um, what is:  “If I visit Lowe’s home improvement store to buy teflon tape, out of twelve attempts to get someone to help me, how many times will I fail?”
- Jason -
 

The human body has 5 senses.... some have a sixth sense..... since I lost my fingertips and gotten my right leg severely messed up by a drunk driver I have become aware of a twenty-seventh sense is there any information you can give me on such a high sense? Is it a unique condition??
FLAGG http://www.terraserver.com
Well, Flagg, the higher the number of the sense, the more diluted & less powerful the sense is. And by the time you get up into the twenty-something senses, the use of the sense is impossible. Are you from the south, Flagg? Hmmm... lucky guess, you know, with the missing fingertips & all. At least you have toes. Well, time for me to go answer Shmiley's questions now. 
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If I open a can of whoop ass on someone but don't use the whole can what can i do with the leftover whoop ass?
FLAGG http://www.creativebussales.com
If you open a can of Whoop Ass"! on someone you better use it all Flagg. How can you use only half a can of Whoop Ass"!? What were you beating up Christopher Reeves? Or maybe some blind midgets? For shame Flagg  For Shame!
- Simian -
Well, as long as you find a use for the remaining whoop ass within a week or so it’s no problem, but whoop ass doesn’t keep very long when opened.  In addition, you should always observe the “whoop ass by” date on the bottom of the can to make sure it’s still fresh.  The worst thing you can do is open a can of stale whoop ass on someone.
- Jason -
 

Extreme Force or Violent Brutality?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
Depends. Are we talking about vehemently snuffing the Olsen twins or enjoying some extra delicious blueberry pancakes at IHOP? 
- Simian -
Can I have a little of each?
- Jason -
 

Are people born bad, or do we just become that way with time?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
My mother never gave me a straight answer on this one. She just kept on knitting. Who the hell wears orange knit sweaters anyway?? Ugh! Sorry. Anyway, I keep her knitting needles in my closet, and every once in a while I take them out when I go clothes shopping. And I know when that happens, I'm just looking for trouble.
- Elvis Shortliver -
I was always a good kid.  It wasn't until after Elvis and Simian put goat cheese in my shoes, put shampoo in my beer, set me on fire and dumped liquid nitrogen on me to wake me up that I became a bad widdle boy.
- Jason -
 

What's the best type of worship? Christianityism, Jewdism, Hinduism, Poppin' freshism, devil-worshipingism, Santeriaism, musslumism, etc. ism...?
Shmiley
Grimm's Fairytale-ism is kinda kewl, coz something really bad always happens... oh wait, that's just like ALL the other religions! Umm, how about Anti-ism?
- Elvis Shortliverism -
I personally prefer Aneurysm.
- Jason -
 

What will happen if I ask another question?
FLAGG
It will probably be ignored, and if not, someone will be dispatched to kick you in the ribs until your spleen and liver become one.  Guess what response this response implies?
- Jason -
 

Hey, over here at the Vegas 12 step program I'm at they only have 10 steps. Is this because of low budget or because the manager is stupid?
Shmiley
The reason there are only 10 steps in Vegas' 12 step program is because of poor Flagg's learning disabilities. He just couldn't figure out #8 and #11, and the councilors got so sick of it that they dropped the steps & said "You're cured!" but he still didn't get it, so they kicked him out. I don't know if he made it home from Vegas yet, he gets really confused. Ever been to the south Shmiley? The highway signs don't say "Next Exit 1 Mile" - they just say "Not Yet."
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I tell storys. Why is that? Is it because people call me Big Joe? Or am I just stupid?
A big fat man (As told to Shmiley) www.bigjoe.com
Does this bother you? I'm not touching you. Does this bother you?
- Simian -
 

Which came first: The Lizard, or the chicken's egg?
Shmiley
I believe the Lizard came along and ate the first chicken egg.  That little act delayed the introduction of the chicken for over 50,000 years while evolution re-created it.
- Jason -
 

I don't like pickles. Am i wierd?
Spooky www.angelfire.com/music2/Coby
Can someone please explain to me again why I do this for a living? Yes Spooky you're weird. And it has nothing to do with the pickles.
- Simian -
 

Do lobsters really scream when you drop them in boiling water? I heard they do and it's more humane to drop them into a pot of fresh water to drown them, but does that mean they make little tiny drowning noises?
Moo the Amazing Wonder Cow
Lobsters don't have vocal cords so they can't scream.  The screaming sound you hear is steam escaping from their shell as their insides cook.  The most humane way to kill them before cooking them is to take them to your friendly neighborhood execution facility and strap the little guy to Sparky the electric chair.  Passing about 5000 volts through their little bodies takes them out lickety split.  Sorry if this seems gruesome, but there's no warm fuzzy way to cook a lobster.
- Jason -
See below question.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I love water. I drink a lot of water... and you know what that mean right? heh heh.... thought so.
Spooky www.angelfire.com/music2/Coby
See above question.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What is meatloaf made of? I really hate meatloaf. Is there meat in there or is it something else? Someone told me that you put a raw egg in it to. Please help me figure this out before my mom serves it to us on Thursday.
Peach
Do you know the story about how leftover parts go into hot dogs?  Well, the stuff left over from making hot dogs goes into meat loaf.
- Jason -
Dead things. Meatloaf is made of dead things. Mostly hamsters and squirrels. That's why you need to use ketchup on the foul stuff – it overpowers the nasty taste of dead rodents.
- Simian -
 

Shortliver !!! How are you... are you our of retirement? Just saying hi... see you at the next Imperial Rally ! your pal
Ultrashok Ultrashok@aol.com
Tracked down again by another old drinking buddy. How come I am always the first one that they look up when they get out of detox??
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What's your favorite scary movie? heh heh.
That Freaky dude with the mask from "Scream"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that if I incorrectly answer it you might kill me.  Now go away, my boyfriend will be here any minute unless you've already gutted him at the pool.  I've got to get back to my Jiffy Pop.
- Jason -
My own personal favorite is The Amazing Colon Man, but there are tons. Check out our reviews of the worst horror movies ever made on our Halloween Specials by going HERE.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

Why can't I ever get a date? is it my height? Mac Yes Mac. You're short. You're microscopically minuscule. You're near midget stature makes women flee in terror. My suggestion to alleviate this problem: join the circus and get shot out of a cannon. At least then you'll know a trade. - Simian -

"You are a ."

This isn't a question - just a comment.
I don't believe you've moved domain names and didn't inform meeeeeeeee!!!! i used to ADORE wwwvoice and visited it once in a while to see if you're up. BUT YOU'RE HERE!!!! YOU'RE ACTUALLY HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HOK!
Gut, Sie zurück bemannen zu lassen! Ihre wacky Richtung von lustigem und von Comedy bildete, das uns wirklich, liebte Gefühl. Kommen Sie jederzeit zurück und holen Sie etwas Bier.
- Simian -
Yay! You found us! I LOVE hide & seek! Now YOU go hide & we'll try to find you, okay?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Ok, if he did shoot the sheriff but he did not shoot the deputy, then who did shoot the deputy? And why in the world would he admit to shooting the sheriff when you know that would make him a suspect in the shooting of the deputy? 
saltytrey
Shot Barney Fife? Why would anyone want to hurt that harmless goofball Barney? Why saltytrey? WHY?
- Simian -
Was there ever concrete evidence that anyone did shoot the deputy?  I don't believe the deputy ever was shot, though I did accidentally run over a deputy in my town once, then I had to shoot the Sheriff when he started asking too many questions.  Then the FBI came after me, but I tricked them into thinking I moved to Waco and as luck would have it, all my problems took care of themselves.
- Jason -
While trying to figure out this question, I accidentally shot myself in the butt.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why do my children always want to be let out of the cupboard? Its a warm, safe, cozy and very loving cupboard. They are such offensive lil sh!ts, the cupboard now needs concelling and do have any idea what that costs these days! What can i do????
Anne_Elk
Kill those little buggers? That sounds like a good option to me. I mean, you off the kids, burn down the old shoe, and move to Canada. End of problem. But then, what do I know - I'm just a marmoset.
- Simian -
By any chance, are they white, and do any of them know how to rap?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Have you ever been all alone in your dark bedroom and suddenly feared for your life that you were about to be savagely and brutally attacked by Tom Selleck's moustache?
Wild Bill
Nope, but guess who's NOT getting invited over to our house in the near future, Wild Bill?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

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X@mutantnation.com mutantnation.com
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- Simian -
Your question was grammatically incorrect.  You left out a null termination on your string.  Nevertheless, 5bfe 80aa 6f00 45a9 ff01 0000 fefa a001.  OK?
- Jason -
Sorry, the needle on my CD Player is broken. I have a hard time keeping up with all of this new technology. For example, I can't figure out how this new typewriter works. I must use a bottle of Liquid Paper every week on this web page. I can barely see anything on my monitor now. Oh, well. Time to go clean the heads on my DVD player!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If one were to make a boy out of eggs, hypothetically speaking of course, how do I keep the toast from getting all wet and mushy?
eggyolkio eggyolkio2000@yahoo.com
Easy! Don't give Eggboy any gonads. Sheesh, any good Deity could tell you that!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Make a boy out of eggs? I think you'd have better luck if you made a boy out of pancakes. At least then you never have to worry about adding too much syrup. Plus, with pancakes, you never want any toast.
- Simian -
 

:^( ...?
Silent Ned www.yahoo.com
;o1
- ES -
 

OMG! How do I get rid of this Zit! It's, like, totally destroying my life! Totally!
Teenager With Problems www.teencentral.com
A propane blowtorch and a toilet brush should do the trick. And if you want to keep those pesky zits away for good, I strongly suggest hydrochloric acid.
- Simian -
 

Who ARE all these people and why are they answering questions....? 
Pablo http://crapco.com
Now, don't taunt the nice crazy people Pablo. When they're done with the questions they have to go back to the 'happy home'.
- Simian -
. . .and Pablo awakes from his whiskey and weight loss pills induced coma. . .
- Jason -
 

HEH. *CRUSH*?? 
Maggie http://www.krush.org/magglez
Apparently Maggie can smash aluminum cans between her hooters.
- Jason -
 

why do I sing songs that are a load of crap?
shitney spears n/a
Don't worry, you'll go the way of Mason Reese, Cory Feldman, Cory Haim, Tina Yothers, and Emmanuel Lewis: become a washed up has-been living out of your car, eating paste, and sniffing gasoline at the ripe old age of 20.
- Simian -
 

How come I don't see that many rhombuses in real life?
Lampslide http://lampslide.com
For the same reason you don't see a lot of fraggleboks in real life; they don't really exist. Expect maybe in your mind, Lampslide.
- Simian -
Rhombuses are inferior geometric objects and usually don't live very long after birth.
- Jason -
 

This is just a test to see if Jason's autoresponder actually sends a response to the question box. 
Elvis Shortliver
Silly Elvis. Hot pokers are for kids!
- Simian -
 

I have a male friend who I believe has some kind of crush on me. I find him attractive as well, but the gifts he has been sending me, well, they turn me off. The "tomato musher" could possibly be of some use, but what can I do with a "turnip twaddler" of a "yogurt pitter"? I believe they all come from the same late night infomerical channel.
Diamond Dog
Send them to Porfessional Advice PO Box 4010, Adamsville, IN 40130. And thanks! Now we can twaddle our turnips!
- Elvis Shortliver -