I, Jason X, do hereby announce my eligibility as a candidate in the upcoming United States Presidential Election.  I will be running under the Non-human Demopublitarian platform.  We represent a combination of views (even views that conflict with one another) from the 3 major parties:  Democrat, Republican, and Libertarian.  My Vice Presidential running mate will be none other than the mixed drink queen herself: Simian T. Marmoset - hey, there's nothing in the constitution that says the Vice President has to be a particular species.   Since Elvis is the only person who has lived with us for any length of time, we felt he was most qualified to be the Official Executive Staff Translator for both Simian and myself when we give public speeches.   Plus he wanted a position where he'd have a lot of opportunities to use the White House bowling lanes when he didn't have to work.  He also didn't want to be the director of the DOE, FBI, CIA, or Forest Service and we felt bad about just leaving him back at the house so we gave him a cushy job, promised him plenty of waffles and brought him along.
 
 
 
 

As a participating candidate, I would like to make my qualifications known to you the voter so you will come to the inevitable conclusion that I am the only candidate to vote for, and failure to do so will probably result in the self-extermination of your species.
 

1. I had already planned on conquering the Earth anyway, so electing me president is simply an exercise toward the inevitable.
2. I have a higher I.Q. than anyone on the planet.  Natural selection dictates that you elect me president
3. I have spare body parts, so the American public could save money on bodyguards for me since assassination attempts would not be as potentially damaging.
4. I'm cute and cuddly and have a soft squishy belly so foreign dignitaries will like me.
5. I have a space ship.  Anyone else who has a space ship, raise their hand.
6. I like penguins.  Everyone likes penguins because they're so cute and funny when they waddle along with their little flippers extended like they're trying to fly, so I have something in common with everyone.
7. I was created with DNA from Michael J. Fox, a Bumble Bee, and a Panda, so I'm qualified to represent not only the American public, but also at least two species on environmental issues.
8. I like beer, so I promise to provide hours of entertainment to the American public as I trip down the steps of Air Force One, and fall flat on my face getting out of the Presidential Limo.
9. I can be a womanizer too, and I like cigars.  Enough said.
10. I'm ill tempered when threatened.  I would instruct the American military to completely destroy any country threatening the United States or it's allies and confiscate any property or items not destroyed in the attack.  Survivors from that country would be assimilated or turned into slaves.   I wouldn't take crap from scud toting camel jockeys or vodka saturated commie wankers.
11. I'm OK, and darn it, people like me!

If elected, we promise to promote to the fullest of our abilities, the following legislation:

     A bill that would permit common citizens to flog to within one inch of their lives (without legal consequences) any individual exceeding the stated number of items in the express checkout lane.  The floggee would not be eligible to sue the floggers.

     A bill that would require automobile manufacturers to install rocket launchers and other various assault weapons at their discretion on all 2001 model cars and later to be used for the demolition of vehicles and their occupants who speed to turn in front of another driver and then slow down below the speed limit.   The same would apply to drivers who fail to use turn signals and those who miss their turn and remain stationary in the lane holding up others behind them while waiting for someone in the next lane to let them over.

     A bill that would restrict any driver over the age of 75 from driving on public roads between the hours of 6:00 am and 1:00 am.  This would also apply to slow heavy farm equipment and improperly maintained vehicles.  The penalty for violation of this law when passed would be death to the driver and occupants to be dispatched without prejudice or delay by the officer noting the violation by any means they deem necessary or entertaining.  Since most people 75 or older don't have much time left anyway, such a penalty I believe would not be too severe.

     A bill to be employed in incidents where a driver out of stupidity, negligence or an improperly maintained vehicle causes an accident that causes a traffic backup on any interstate or major highway.   This bill would require the officer on the scene to take the offending individual, and stand them on the side of the interstate for every driver they delayed to pass by and smack them, club them, kick them ,etc.

     A bill that would require car stereo manufacturers to integrate a large explosive charge in the car stereo unit to be detonated by a remote control that could be obtained very cheaply at any major chain store.  This remote unit would be used to detonate the charge on any individual's car stereo that is deemed loud or offensive by those outside the vehicle.  The charge would be large enough to kill or maim the driver and all passengers in the vehicle.

     Since the vast majority of motor vehicle accidents are caused by stupid people, I will propose a bill that would require insurance companies to calculate monthly premiums based on the I.Q. of the driver.  Age, race, gender, and all other factors would be ignored.  Anyone with an I.Q. below 100 would not be eligible for insurance.  Anyone with an I.Q. of 140 or above would not have to pay insurance premiums.

     A bill that would require an automatic rollover device for Sport Utility Vehicles.  This device would randomly activate, flipping SUVs and their occupants into ditches, trees, etc. for the entertainment of those of us who actually have a little common sense and respect for other people and the environment.  SUV drivers are materialistic, spoiled, polluting brats, and I'm actually being nice in that I don't propose a bill to simply require car dealers to shoot on site anyone considering the purchase of an SUV.

     A bill offering American citizenship, protections, and privileges thereof to all species of penguin.   Don't ask my why, suffice to say I know how it feels to be the punch line of an evolutionary joke and I sympathize with the penguins.

     A bill repealing any import tariffs on all whiskey, vodka, and scotch.  This bill was recommended and is highly favored by Simian who loves to drink her own concoction of whiskey, vodka, scotch, and Tang.

     A bill granting government subsidies to banana growers in third world countries to increase the availability of bananas in the U.S.  This was another Simian proposed bill.

     A bill that provides free unlimited hair cuts to all Executive Staff and their assistants at the White House.  This was another one of Elvis' demands to come to Washington.