Elvis Shortliver

Simian T. Marmoset

Jason X

Hello everyone! Well we made it out of the Shanghai prison by selling some of Jason's internal organs to the black market (don't worry - he has tons of extra ones that he'll never miss). But we're still trying to hide out from those wily Samurais, as they are pretty keen on making sushi-kabobs out of us. So while we're on the run, enjoy these mostly delicious questions brought to you fresh every week, or every two weeks, or, uh, something like that.

THIS WEEK

Will you write me some guitar music for my song? Pleeeeaaaase? The lyrics are:
     here piggy piggy
     here piggy piggy
     i smell bacon
     i smell bacon
     i will trade you a donut
     for some bacon
possible refrain: I SMELL BACON I SMELL PORK! I'LL GIVE YOU A DONUT IF YOU GIVE ME A FORK!
Maggie
Well, I don't know how to play guitar, but I tried to write you a kewl riff on my Jew's harp. It didn't come out too good though, it just went boing boing boing. So I asked Oswald Honiker from The 1952 Oswald Honkers if he could do it. And here's what he said: "Hey, that sounds like our new song "Donuts For Bacon!" Who is this Maggie chick - one of our groupies?? MAKE HER STOPPPP!!" So, Maggie, I guess you have alot of thinking to do. You may want to reword it a bit while you're at it.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I just noticed that my father is still using my name. Can I charge him with identity theft even though my name was his name first? I mean... he gave me the name, so it's mine now, right? Shouldn't he just go find another name now? There can only be one "Big Ed". Too many "Big Eds" will only cause confusion so shouldn't he call himself "Bigger Ed" or something? Hello?
Big Ed
Those troublesome old people sure are difficult aren't they? If your father refuses to change his name (preferable to something like Fribble Sniggableub, Crumpet King) then threaten to replace his denture cream with haggis and refuse to let him watch Matlock until he complies. But be careful - Matlock withdrawal can be a scary thing to behold.
- Simian -
Perhaps instead of embroiling yourself in long drawn out legal battles, you should just change your own name to Mildly Diminished Ed or Slightly Less Large Ed, or even Immense Ed?
- Jason -
 

::Z the Mime is not in a box:: ::Z the Mime hold up a sign that says "Do you like my colons? You can have them, just don't hurt Tai.":: ::Z the Mime drinks a martini, shoots herself in the head, and emerges from her former body as a new mime::
Z the Mime
What a horrible, horrible story. Mimes coming back from the dead? We have to see what we can do to stop that from happening again. Next time, give me the gun.
- Simian -
 

Where am I? Who are you? What are you doing with that needle? AHHHHHHH!
Shmiley the Schizo
Well, guys, the super-fun-happy-serum we injected into Shmiley should be kicking in shortly.  Let's pop open a beer, kick our feet up and enjoy the show.
- Jason -
 

Is it normal to yell at chipmunks when you're feeling angry? 'Cause I have all these bruises from acorns...
Shmiley
Never anger chipmunks. Oh sure they look real cute, but they're vicious little beasties that can rip out a person's throat in under 30 seconds with they're sharp little fangs. Just stay away from those sadistic little critters.
- Simian -
 

I recently found evidence that the old grey mare really IS what she used to be. How can I tell the public?
Shmiley
You just did.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Nothing says; "Look at me! I'm dangerous to myself and others!" like running down the street wrapped in tin foil with pork products stapled to your chest. That'll get some attention.
- Simian -
 

Sometimes I like to dress up like a circus clown and scare little kids. But nowadays, more kids are carrying tazers. How can I disarm the little kid's tazers so I can scare them?
Shmiley (A.K.A. Chuckles)
Tazers suck.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Did you guys know that according to Bob.com, (Not the real web address) you guys have the grooviest site on the net?
Shmiley
Yeah, David Letterman told us last night while we were watching Springer and drinking beer.
- Jason -
 

Is fancying a chocolate bar illegal if it is under age ????
Dingbat
That's not chocolate.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Did you know that you can hear the fresh crunch of a dil pickle from 22 feet away?
amber http://www.hampsterdance.com
Did you know that you can hear the belch of a drunken Marmoset from 2 miles away?  Did you also know that you can hear the squeals of a terrified marmoset stuck in Elvis' hair from 10 miles away?
- Jason -
 

Have you ever seen the movie called the "garbage Pail kids"?  It's really good and teaches a very good lesson, you should watch it.
peanut
Do not induce vomiting. This question will do that for you.
- Simian -
 

If Simian is a marmoset, could she be my "Monkey of Love?" Heh heh...
Pinky G
As a marmoset, I'm just not taken seriously. Monkey of Love indeed! Someday, I'll be Queen of the Monkeys and I'll make all humankind our monkey-slaves! Now, who wants some PopTarts^tm?
- Simian -
The last time Simian had "Monkey Love" was when she was stalked. Are you stalking her Pinky? Coz if you are... well... I don't know. I guess I'm a bit indifferent. Nah, I'm kidding - rip her apart!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Knock....Knock?
Boo
I bet that hurt, Boo. Shouldn't you be wearing your special helmet?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Ow, why do paper cuts have to hurt so much. And is there a name for a phobia of paper cuts?
Bailey
Paper cuts hurt because the paper has a serrated edge, much like that of a chainsaw, only it doesn't rotate like a chainsaw, and it isn't oily like a chainsaw, and it doesn't make noise like a . . . Oh hell, it's like a dull Ginsu knife OK?  The name for a fear of paper cuts is pulpuslaceratapohobia.
- Jason -
You should put some Neosporin on that cut, it'll heal up in a jiffy. It's like crazy glue for skin. Oh my goodness! I actually gave real advice! Oh I am so happy! Wait a minute, I'm not really that happy.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If I open a e-business that is an online prostitute (or 'hos if it makes it easier on you - no no no you don't have to type that in!!) auction, would I be rich? Would it bring me money? And then can I pick up chicks?
Marklar bmaxwell@ibasis.net
Will you pick up chicks? Well, no, but you'll have plenty of 'dates' with all those big burly men in prison after your arrested.
- Simian -
E-businesses are for sissies. Take a look around you - do you see ANYONE who is gettin' chicks? NO! E-businesses are lame. Look at Amazookie.com or whatever it's called. They should just put up a big logo that says "Help us, we're hungry" coz they ain't makin' money! Gosh I'm really hung up on this. How about if Yoohoo! puts up a blank red page with big bold blinking text that simply says "BITE ME" - they'd still be making the same amount of money! Squat! The internet's like a black hole! Turn off your monitors!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

A cool website to vist is www.hungamunga.com/carrie/smack-n.html. It has a list of ppl who should be smacked. Will you guys check it out?
Someone
I tried to go there, but they smacked me.  What was that all about?
- Jason -
 

Who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop?
saltytrey
SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP-SLAP-SLAP-SLAP-SLAP
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If I were not a human, what answer would you give me to this question?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
That's a pretty complex insult, for a drunk.
- Simian -
Bow wow, aroooooo, bowf, arf, aaaaarooof, bwowwwf, yipe, grrrrrr aaaaawp.
- Jason -
 

Hey, I have a very important question that's been on my mind for years. I have a few theories but I can't prove any of them. At what point in Time 'EXACTLY' does the Future turn into the Past? I used to think it was at the "Present" ...BUT, then I got to thinking. If I tried to even say the word "Present" really quick, It would (already) be the Past before I could get it out of my mouth. This really is troubling to me. I hope you can see my point.  By the time you get through reading "THIS" ....It's the PAST. Right? I mean... you already read the word  "THIS" above... and It's history now right? Wait... I don't mean History exactly NOW <------ Now that's the past too... hmmmmm... See what I mean? Doesn't it bother you too? Anyway, where did it change 'EXACTLY'? Is it smaller than a nano-second or what?
~Bob~
Yeah, and everything under the sun is in tune but the sun is eclipsed by the moon. We heard that one before Bob. Ever think about getting a job? It might help a bit.
- Elvis Shortliver -
I was going to consider answering your question, but by the time I got around to it, it was ancient history.
- Jason -
 

Is Big Tad single?
Bailey
Yes, our negotiator Big Tad is single. If he was plural we would really have a situation on our hands.
Oh that was sooo bad.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is it bad to shower while wearing a walkman? Here's a handy household tip, blck paint is an exelent stain remover. *SPLAT*
Bad Adviceman
I would have answered this question, but I believe Bad Adviceman may have blinded himself with black spray paint and fallen out of an open window subsequently splattering himself on the street below.
- Jason -
 

Would you rather have a head as big as the moon or have a head for a leg, an arm for a head, and a leg for a arm?
Tanman
Hey, did you know that the moon is made out of green cheese? Well, it is. Really it is. Next you'll be asking me if I want Paul's Bunyons. Not.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Due to an error, there are still a few of you left alive.  We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
- Simian -
 

If I didn't ask this question, would you answer it?
Wojit
Oh I see how it is. And if I wasn't a monkey would bananas still grow on trees?
- Simian -
 

Yes or No? why? AND Jason, do you know where your towel is?
Looney and his What
Yes. Because I said so.  Last time I saw my towel was Sunday when I was standing bare ass naked in my driveway holding a newspaper after a heavy gust of wind.   The neighbors' wives still chuckle when they walk by my house.  Damn them all. . .
- Jason -
 

If a duck hits a republican truck, but doesn't give it a concussion, then is it okay to eat ice cream on Tuesdays provided it doesn't have hot fudge on it?
Bobo The Hobo yokey43@yahoo.com
Republicans and aquatic fowl are never a good combination. Plus, when you add the chocolate syrup, it can get very annoying. And messy. And who says that ducks like ice cream anyway? Now, has anyone seen Bobo's medication?
- Simian -
 

I've lost my mind, seen it anywhere?
White Paul
Oh geeze, <scraping bottom of shoe>, I think I stepped on it in aisle 14 at Wal-Mart.  Was it grey and pulsating?
- Jason -
It's hiding in the trunk with Spridle and Chim Chim.
- Simian -
 

Why are Kevin Costner movies so bad?
White Paul
Um, perhaps- and I'm going out on a limb here -- because Kevin Costner sucks?
- Jason -
You're talking about the Postman, right? UGH! Bunbun & I tried to watch that too! Jeez, I thought for sure I was gonna shoot myself.... I was like - "JUST TORTURE HIM & END THIS STINKIN' MOVIE!! AAARGHHH!" - BEWARE - DO NOT RENT THIS ONE!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Jason, how does a microwave work?
Bobo The Hobo yokey43@yahoo.com
Well, with mine, I just put a plate of food in, hit some numbers, (paying careful attention where the decimal point goes) press start and wait for the food to explode. Didn't you read the owner's manual?  Here's a free tip:  metal objects and small furry woodland creatures are not microwave safe.
- Jason -
 

Horse-whip bad. Pudding good?
Shmiley
Somehow I don't think this question is really about pudding.
- Simian -
 

If your girlfriend's 300 lb rottweiler runs at you and then starts humping your leg.... should you;    A:  Kick the dog and run like hell.  B:  Let him do it cause if you chose "A" he would eat you.  C:  Drag him on your leg to a pet store in hopes he would like a female toy poodle better.  D:  Fire a warning shot into his head.?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200
I choose options A, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, B.  In that order and quantity.
- Jason -
 
 

What ever happened to OzzyPedro's predictions? They were Kewl. Shmiley Who knows? - Chad (the intern) -

I'm Australian.

When Elvis leaves the building, where does he go?
Moo the Amazing Wonder Cow LolaWormwd@aol.com
Usually to the first open bar he can find for 8 fingers of bourbon neat.
- Jason -
To the Seven Rings of Hell. Or at least, that's what the sign over his trailer park says.
- Simian -
Sorry, I just had to piddle. I was very claustrophobic in your closet.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How many sea shells would sally sell IF she sold sea shells by the sea shore?
Looney and his What
Um, I think her name was actually Sassy, and she wasn't selling sea shells.  Why do you think the cops were talking to her.
- Jason -
 

What do dogs dream of when they sleep?
baybay
Mostly beatin' the sh!t out of some poor defenseless animal, like a cat. Nah, I'm just kiddin' - sometimes I see my dog Snoogie going into a dream & his paws will start running & his face starts to twitch & he makes a tiny growl. Then, I pat him on his head & whisper, "You're a good boy, Snoogie" & try to redirect his dreams to happy protective dreams. Seriously. Nah, I'm just kiddin' again - He's really dreaming about beatin' the sh!t out of some poor defenseless animal, like a cat.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Quantum physics, advanced metaphysical quantum singularities, super conducted thoronium arkenide anti-gravity rotors, and high-power graviton polarity source generators. However, when they wake up they forget all this and wind up rolling around in dirt, eating dead things and over-turning my garbage can.
- Simian -
 

Do you suck alot or only a little?
Ellie
I'd like to think that we'd freeze to death before the jackals get us, but I really don't know. But it sure sounds like you know all about this suction thing, Ellie.
- Simian -
 

I have a hole. Can you help me sew it up?
brandy
Um, did this hole recently appear or has it always been there, and is this hole on you or something you own?   If it's on you and it's been there for a while, I'd be inclined to leave it alone.
- Jason -
 

So we all know just where the yellow brick road went straight to Oz -- but where did the red brick road go?
Moo the Amazing Wonder Cow
Hey, why don't you go find out for us? Just follow that guy over there who looks like Jeffrey Dahmer. See him? He's the one who is leading O.J. Simpson by the hand.  Let us know if it exists or not, ok?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How many spider monkies does it take to spank a puppy?
joe http://www.joecartoon.com
Not as many as one would think, Joe, but quite a few nonetheless. Spider Monkeys are not the natural predator of the common puppy, as one would assume. Puppies have a lot more to fear from the pedestrian redneck moron than from a harmless spider monkey.
- Simian -
 

Why do people streak?
Looney and his what
After being locked up in the Shanghai Prison System, I'm so glad to be able to keep my clothes on again.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why was Heisenburg so uncertain?  And did it have anything to do with Abscom's Razor?
Dyson
No it had to do with the fact that some weirdo thought it was a good idea to create a metallic sphere, which would be constructed around a star thus harnessing massive amounts of energy. Enough energy, it was thought, to comply with the power needs of billions of people. That guy is in a straight jacket by now. Those humans are so wacky!
- Simian -
It had nothing to do with Abscom's Razor. He really liked how it left him a bit stubbly coz the guys loved it. But no matter how sharp Abscom's Razor was, he still couldn't "cut the cord" with his overbearing mother, hence the uncertainty. But that's just speculation based on my countless hours of psychotherapy. Boy did that pay off!
- Elvis Shortliver -

I am 17 and never had a girl friend  what do I do   (no I am not a nerd,  just very shy)
Scottie 2  Hottie
Well, Don't go up to a pretty girl & quietly and shyly say to her "Hey, look at the water in my pockets." Sometimes you need to "just be friends" to break stuff like that in. Remember this: Whether you have a chick or not, you will still grow & learn, and it may take seven or eight, or thirteen different relationships before you hit upon one that makes you happy.  So just have fun, be nice & thoughtful, And don't focus so much on chicks, man! Sheesh! Why are you so damn compulsive?? Oh, you're not that compulsive.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Talk to Sassy.  After the cops leave of course.
- Jason -
 

I am 19 and about 110 pounds overweight.  I feel that I am beautiful even though I am a very big girl.  Last week a man offered me a job in adult videos starrring worm my size.  It is very good money and they studio people seem professional.  I am seriously condisering it.  What do you guys think.  Love Big Teena
Teena
Well, we're glad you send us lots of your love Teena, but I must protest: This question has nothing whatsoever to do with pancakes, monkeys, alien abductions or kicking midgets in the groin. Now if I were you, I'd wait until you get an offer to star in William Shatner's new TV show - Captain Toupee's Tone-Deaf Sing-a-Long and All Around Freak Show.
- Simian -
OK, Teena, I'm confused. Are you saying you're a 19 year old 110 pound worm?  I'm not too familiar with your species, but I thought you guys only lived to be about 8 and seldom got over 75 pounds.  Sheesh, the things they put in porn these days.
- Jason -
 

Okay, so I really want this portable CD player and I'm thinking about selling my sex for money. ?
Maggie
Talk to Teena, Sassy, and Scotty 2 Hotty.  I think between those three, you can work out some sort of equitable arrangement.
- Jason -
 

Is it a sin to have to apologize for your actions everytime someone tries to sue you?
Bad Adviceman
You know, I'm not sure. But if you become and agent of the devil, no one will want to sue you and you can live forever. Just look at Jesse Helms.
- Simian -
 

When will the madness end!??!! Oh, the humanity!
Shmiley
Right now, Shmiley.
- Elvis Shortliver -