ERROR: Random File Unopenable

I need to know at what speed my 1986 Honda Prelude will lift off. I was hoping that since Jason has such extensive knowledge on interstellar flight he would be able to help me.  I have already outfitted the car with a superconductor and twin mark 76 booster rockets.  It does 0-200 mph in .5 microsecs.  Jason... could you please tell me of any other pieces that I may need and correct take-off and landing procedure cause I am a little scared to do it the wrong way.... again (see www.darwinawards.com).  You see last time I think I made the mistake of forgetting to pick a road that was long enough to get me off the earth's surface.... so instead I ended up embedded in the side of a cliff (and that was after crashing through three fences, two small rodents, a cow, someone's barn and a small duck.). Please help..... cause I still haven't gotten that duck out of the inside of my body (he went right down my mouth) and I am afraid that if I do this again I'll end up with a dog or something inside me two and the dog will chase the duck... and my stomach already feels like enough of a stampede after eating 34 pizza pops (boonta to the doughboy).... NARF
Guido
I'm thinking maybe in light of your past experiences, you should reconsider this flying thing Guido. Besides, to do it properly, you're going to have to build a quasidifferential anti-gravity propulsion unit, and you can't get parts for that at NAPA.  I've tried.  They can't even special order them.
- Jason -
 

I'm serious now... how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
aaron
Wood chuck's don't chuck wood, unless your name is Aaron & you're poking their damn dam with a stick so you can pet them. No matter now as we suspect the body won't be found until after Oktoberfest - when the chucks upchuck. 
(I should be punished for that one)
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

My girlfriend says she wants to see other people and I'm a truckload of swimming-pool scum.  What does she really mean?
Wild Bill
That she wants to see other people and that you're a truckload of swimming-pool scum. At least that would be my guess.
- Simian -
I think she's telling you it's time to rethink the dynamics of your relationship.
- Jason -
 

Did you guys know that you are on Worst of the Web. www.worstoftheweb.com???
Jason
How can you be Jason?  I'm Jason!  And yes, we were aware we suck.  We're proud of it, we've worked hard to be as incompetent as we are, and we like it that way.
- Jason -
 

O-kay.... Everyone says that nothing rhymes with orange. What about borange?. I don't know how to spell it, but I'm sure it's a word.... Could it be I've solved the problems of assonance-aversion troubled poets every where? Probably not.
Margaret Thatcher
Maggie Thatcher attempts a bloody coup to regain power in England by using a plastic fork, 2 rolls of duct tape and some gum. Too bad the monarchy consists of buck-toothed, inbred, morons. This is playing out like a bad episode of Gilligan's Island (oh wait - was there ever a GOOD episode of Gilligan's Island?).
- Simian -
Why would someone with as much money and power as you be piddling aimlessly trying to find a word that rhymes with orange?  Are you sure you're REALLY Margaret Thatcher?!
- Jason -
 

All my pens keep disappearing from beside my phone... where do they go and why don't they write?
Grub
I'm sorry. Sometimes I can control my compulsions & then they get the best of me & I can't stop writing. I'd give them back, but I won't. 
- Elvis Shortliver -
Well, I always like to tie my pens up with yarn and duct tape to encourage them to stay where I leave them. If that doesn't work then set a trap for those ungrateful pens using paper clips and a stapler remover. That should scare those pesky pens straight.
- Simian -
 

Hey there, how's it goin'?
The Jester
Um, pretty good Jester.  And you?
- Jason -
 

I found a big stinking plate of meat in my yard that looked like it had been there for months... where did it come from and why?
Satan
Looks like the magical Meat Fairies have been paying you a visit. These mischievous little creatures like to taunt unsuspecting folks by leaving decaying meat products in the most unlikely places. In order to discourage these nasty critters from doing this to you over and over again, you're going to have to sacrifice a box of Twinkies and some imported Scotch to them. Once they get loaded on the Scotch and stuffed with Twinkies, break out the cattle prod and chase them back to Hades.
- Simian -
 

I like whipping my boyfriend with a large leather flogger before having sex.  Is this normal?
Angie
I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer this question.
- Jason -
 

What the heck is my name???
Unknown
No answer needed as visitor is probably dead by now.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Hey, I have some cool $#!%. Want some?
chuck
No thanks, Elvis' dog manufactures all we need.
- Jason -
 

If elvis is so against mimes why did he let a mime answer a question this week??
FLAGG
Oh that was my bad. I taunted some hapless, flea-bitten mime that week and out of sheer pity let it answer one of the questions before I buried it in my backyard like a dead hamster carcass.
- Simian -
The little bastard slipped by us when we had our backs turned.  They don't make any noise you know.  They're very stealthy.
- Jason -
 

What do you think of Britney Spears? 
Maggie
I think about the future lawsuits from millions of teenagers against Dow Corning.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How many cows have you ACTUALLY tipped?  Do they die when you tip them?  or are they just stunned?  Where did you guys meet anyways?
Lindsey
Part of our group probation prohibits any of us from tipping, or toppling as it's known in Europe, bovine. Plus the fact, when the cows finally wake up, they're pretty irate.  As for how we met, well it happened when Jason's shiny new spaceship crash-landed in the trailer park septic tank and I discovered Elvis' ceramic duck collection strewn about my front porch. The rest is history.
- Simian -
I've never tipped a cow.  I have abducted them to perform government experiments on them, but I've never tipped one, well, except maybe once when I set one down crooked.  Actually,  "set one down" is somewhat misleading since I technically dropped it from about 200 feet. The bovine expired.  Elvis and Simian met before me.  I met them when I abducted them  while trying to find someone to help me fix my spaceship.
- Jason -
 

If I had a signing chicken that could tap dance could i make a lot of money?
FLAGG
A SIGNING chicken, like sign language? Sure we could make millions interpreting crap for poor old Stevie Wonder. Poor Stevie. Or do you mean a SINGING chicken? Well, ummm - isn't that what Stevie Wonder is anyway?
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

YOU MEAN I HAVE TO WAIT ALMOST A MONTH??
Bailey
Yes, the cycle for a typical human female is approximately 28 days which is roughly a  month.  I've never seen anyone that excited about it before.  Geez, didn't you learn this stuff in Biology?
- Jason -
That wasn't so hard, Bailey, was it? To me it was all just  one  g i a n t  blur.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I heard a strange sound, Ganip, Ganop, Click click click. What language is this?
RobLem
Probly just a bad Javascript command. Are you still browsing the web with a Mozilla browser? Dude, wake up - it's the 90's!
- Elvis Shortliver -
OK, RobLem, assuming you're still alive, I want you to go very slowly to your door, if you see a 4 foot hairy thing with big feet and a long nose, do NOT make eye contact.  I believe you may have a loogiebeast in your house.  If you provoke it, you'll be covered in snot and eaten.
- Jason -
 

NAZI! MAGGOT! NAZI NAZI NAZI!!!!!
CarNut
Looks like CarNut went off his medication again. 
- Simian -
Oh look, Carnut is having another Beavis-like spasm.  Somebody wedge a leather wallet in his mouth so he won't choke on his tongue.  CHURCHILL! Carnut, CRUMPETS!  FREEDOM! Focus CarNut.
- Jason -
 

I am a mime and I am stuck in a box... can you help me get out??
chairy
Sure! Just let me get my double-barreled shotgun, uh, I mean my imaginary mime-key which opens mime proof boxes. Just stand still now, this will only take a minute...
- Simian -
Elvis, come here and help me drag this box over to the pier.  Simian, you watch for cops.
- Jason -
 

It's probably already been asked: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Yo Momma
Re-elect Abe Lincoln for President! He was a pretty nice guy - he freed the slaves, remember?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How do I send this question to you?
Bob
Push the shiny button Bob.  Just don't hit it too hard, it's been jamming on us lately. We've called the service man, but he hasn't gotten here yet.  I told Elvis and the Monkey we should have bought ours from Maytag, but noooooo, they wanted to save money and buy a HonkPunt.
- Jason -
I think you might need alot of hugs.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Are you guys cetifable insane? Do you people manage this site from a wacky home? It sure seems it... expecially that Elvis fellow.
Tjen Tang
I see dead people.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Do you get tired of answering questions?
Amber
Only when I start thinking about it.
- Elvis Shortliver -
We only get tired of answering the really dim-witted ones. 
- Simian -
Oh no.  Every time we answer a question, a small electromechanical device I designed and installed into Elvis' and Simian's brains activates and causes a release of endorphins.  We love getting questions!
- Jason -
 

Why a so bad site ?
jiri
Er, you're not from around here are you Jiri?
- Jason -
Because I'm a bad, bad, bad little monkey.
- Simian -
 

What brand of tissue is the best and strongest when sewn together to make a blanket?
Diamond Dog
I don't know, but I started saving my used ones just in case you need them.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If a dog and a monkey got in a fight, who would win?
lantern_duck
The monkey - duh! Not only do we use tools, but some of us even use kitchen appliances like my nifty toaster and shiny new microwave. Bet the dog never served you banana and Tang flavored daiquiris from a groovy 7-speed blender.
- Simian -
 

How many corrupt policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I think only one. Cops can screw anyone in mere minutes.
- Elvis Shortliver -
All of them, plus Whitey Bulger too.
- Simian -
 

Is life love or pain?
Guido
It's answering a bucket load of silly questions. Some of them from the same guy, who we might add, appears to drink quite heavily.
- Simian -
 

Is love a force? Is pain a force? 
Guido
It can be a motivating force if the pain is caused by a cattle prod, yes.
- Jason -
May the force be with you, Guido. But I believe it is not a force, but a gushing river full of rapids. Then I just go with the flow. Oops there goes my oar!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Pain is opening your email and seeing that Guido has sent 8 million
questions in while you were on vacation.
- Simian
 

Elvis and Bunbun killed Simian and Jason didn't they ? That's why there's all this filler stuff instead of the ridiculous answers I've come to expect. Fess up !! They're dead aren't they.
Pablo
Thankfully, Elvis didn't kill us.  He did trick us into vacationing at a cheap hotel somewhere in Mexico, but thanks to Simian's keen sense of direction, we finally made it back to civilization after wandering around the desert for 5 days.  Unfortunately, Simian really tore her mouth up trying to get water out of the cacti.  Silly monkey.
- Jason -
Yes, we're dead all right. As dead as Paul Hogan's career.
- Simian -
Yeah yeah yeah, and now I am answering all of their questions pretending to be them - we heard that one before Pablo. Do you really think I could possibly answer all these questions with so many stupid answers all by myself??
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is growing old a bad thing?
Albert
Hey, it's better than growing your own Chia Herb Garden, and then the seed-paste ends up in my refrigerator, where my grandma confuses it with peanut butter.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Yes. Yes it is.
- Simian -
 

Why is it easier to kickstart a 747 than it is to explain to my wife that it's not polite to use the same knife for mustard and mayo without first licking it off?
Ed Maier
Is your wife a hamster? Because I've found that it's very difficult to reason with hamsters. But what I don't understand is why you're using a knife in the first place. Sticking your fingers into the condiments is just as socially acceptable.
- Simian -
 

I have a double-jointed toenail that twitches when I hear musack. I wouldn't mind so much, but it prevents me from doing the hokey-pokey in the elevators.  Is there an ointment for that?
Miss Margie
Ointment for curing the hokey-pokey? Gee I hope so! My weird-ass neighbor used to do the hokey-pokey in the middle of the street wearing only a toupee and some high heels. That was until he had that most unfortunate accident with the garden clippers. Oh yeah and the alien abduction seemed to straighten him out too. My advice: stop riding the elevator.
- Simian -
I wish there was, from one hokey-pokey fanatic to another.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I was really pondering what to ask.  Then, bingo.. I looked out my window and saw a cloud that looked just like the shape of France. Why does everyone think the French are so rude and ignorant? I think it too, and I've never even been there. Did they get that way from having the Germans and Italians for neighbors. My neighbors make me act really rude too sometimes. Especially the one that parks his car right in front of my house when his driveway is totally empty. Hmmmm maybe he's French too???
~Bob~
I saw that cloud too. It was kewl.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How much more ocean would there be if there weren't any sponges?
Petrie
Enough to submerge the entire country of Norway and parts of Finland. And we'd all like to see that happen, wouldn't we?
- Simian -
It wouldn't matter, because the scrubbing bubbles would get absolutely out of control and wipe the grime away from the ocean floor, exposing the molten core of the earth. It makes the hole in the ozone layer thing seem a bit safer when you think about it.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How can I get the blood out of my car's upholstery?
Ariel Nutter
Douse the offending spot with peanut butter, coffee grounds and gravy. Work into upholstery vigorously for 2 hours. Dance around the car clad in a goatskin and chant loudly. When your neighbors ask what you're doing, grunt noisily and hide in the bushes until they leave. Let mixture sit for 8 hours, and try to ignore the stench. If that doesn't work, buy a new car.
- Simian -
First Ariel, you'll be wanting to hide the body.  It won't do any good to start cleaning up while you've still got a body there leaking blood all over the area you just cleaned. After you've hidden the body, try a little seltzer water mixed with salt.  Then, sprinkle some of the leftover salt on that area between your thumb and forefinger, lick it, take a shot of Tequila and finish with a slice of lime.  Repeat as necessary.
- Jason -
Hire Johnny Cochran.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Mel: Dear so and so, My brother is addicted to all things disgusting! What can i do?
Melanie & Laura
Kill him?  See above question for instructions on removing blood.
- Jason -
 

Elvis.... Why are you such a softie? I can't believe you let your staff take personal days off ! If the droids at crapco.com tried that it would call for a little "hot poker therapy". Get those BUMS back to work... I got questions that need answering!
Pablo the slave driver
You have Druids working at Crapco? Wow Pablo, you're really a hip and happening kind of guy aren't you? Well we don't have any Druids working here, only a group of ex-circus midgets and a few rabid ferrets. And until this monkey gets a real paycheck, I'm not about to work for THE MAN. 
- Simian -
 

Hey, if I took a giant hammer and squashed a passing-by slug, and his guts flew onto my window which was made of sugar, how much flour would I need to make cupcakes?
Shmiley
I'd hate to sample the things coming out of your kitchen. Depending on the type of cupcake you're preparing, the amount of sugar or sugary substance will vary. However, from what I understand, slugs aren't made of sugar - just goo.
- Simian -
 

I... I think I'm sick!!  ARGH
tai
You're giving it to me! AAARRGH!!! - Heh, scared ya, huh?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Know what I think?  I think pink is of the devil.  I think it should be cast down and banished to the pits of hell.  What do you think?
tai
I think you should switch to decaf, tai.
- Jason -
 

I think, therefore I am... I think? Am I?
tai
I think that if you think you are, then yes.
- Jason -
Ok, I'm lost. I think.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why did I ask you that?  Am I going crazy?
White Paul
Going crazy? More like you already went there and back, honey.
- Simian -
Look! Simian was the last one to answer the questions this time! Who said I was a big dictator? Was it you, White Paul? I am not!
- Elvis Shortliver -