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How are the Jacksonville Jaguars going to do this year ? 
larry s.
Ever try aardvark? Tastes just like horse. 
- Jason -
 

Ok, so I get why you guys are snubbing my questions... but where do they go?? I go into the Gulag, but they're questions from ages ago .... this is really weird ... is this a big conspiracy against me??? Or is my computer just stuffing up?
Jen
Where's the love? 
- Simian -
 

How's your vacation?
mr.j
Jason's 8 ball says: Very doubtful. 
- Jason -
 

In the next century half of all species could be annihilated. This mass extinction is directly caused by humans. What is your view on this? 
pookie face
Blimey, that's just weird. 
- Jason -
 

Hey! When is my Mommy commin' home? 
baby max
If I stick my mechanical pencil up my nose, my left big toe tingles. 
- Jason -
 

Better than liquid soap? Is it anti-bacterial?
SpunkyMunky
Hi, I'd like to order a large pan, with sausage, pepperoni, and mushrooms to go please. 
- Jason -
 

Have you ever stared at the sun for so long that you see spots and your head hurt?
gail
You think if we nuked France anyone would notice? 
- Simian -
 

I don't really have a question this week... but I just wanted to know will this stupid one come up and be answered by the answer-o-matic!
Jen
Join us next time when we pit garden gnomes against tree nymphs. 
- Jason -
 

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a 50 MegaTon thermonuclear device?
Farmer Ned
Did you ever wonder what would happen if you stuck your tongue in an exhaust pipe? 
- Jason -
 

When do you get back?
blonde
Hooker's a good cop! 
- Simian -
 

So your out doing tricks? I don't get it. when will you be back?
blonde
Here's some advice; Beware of the dwarf. He's got a foul temper. 
- Simian -
 

Aren't you going to answer my last question ... hello is aybody there?
blonde
How do you do wake up every morning without being dead? 
- Jason -
 

How come your asking me questions ... gee is this fun or what?
blonde
I accelerate for morons. 
- Jason -
 

Egnoring me again hey! What the buzz tell me what's'a happenin?
blonde
My suggestion; hit Jason with a sharp stick a few times and see what happens. 
- Simian -
 

Do you wear panties on your head? Am I addicted to this question thing???
blonde
Uh sticky, but, no banana. 
- Simian -
 

Hey what the hell is going on here ???
funkywun (flaggs cute little sister)
What is that gelatinous stuff that congeals around canned ham? Is it alive? 
- Simian -
 

If?
PJ
Uh, right. Whatever you say. Now get your hands off my short stack. 
- Simian -
 

I didn't even know anything about this please explain to me.
FLAGG
Uh -- I know how toast works. 
- Simian -
 

I like the old question way better don't you?
FLAGG
Blimey, that's just weird. 
- Jason -
 

Are degees superior to radians?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Weebils wobble but they don't fall down. Oddly enough, this phenomenon complies with all known laws of physics. 
- Jason -
 

Are degrees superior to degees?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I think if you stick your head in a coffee can and inhale really heavily, you're problems will be solved. 
- Jason -
 

Is Barbie evil?
Chuckie
Aye matey that's not wood, and it's not a leg. 
- Jason -
 

DO YOU WANT TO EAT MY WEED?
Carnut
Got Whiskey? 
- Simian -
 

Is the answer to this question "no?"
rob, eater of pies
What is that gelatinous stuff that congeals around canned ham? Is it alive? 
- Simian -
 

My Helsinki Syndrome is broken. Can it be fixed? Should it be by a A+ Certified technician? Amigga bagga?
Chihuahuaboy
Have you considered shock therapy? 
- Jason -
 

Who invented French Toast? Was it really the French?
Fishsticks McGillicutty
Taunt the garden gnomes and you'll be sorry. Trust me on this one. 
- Simian -
 

Arf? Woof woof! Bark!
Lassi
Did you ever wonder, I mean REALLY wonder what goes into hot dogs? 
- Jason -
 

Is the Mir Space Station still in space?
kathy
Nothing says lovin' like a short stack of pancakes. 
- Simian -
 

Is it really winter in Argentina?
Freek
According to my big book of weird answers, orange dinosaurs ruled the earth during the hippy-jurassic period. 
- Jason -
 

Why did Michael Jordan quit baseball? It couldn't have been his lack of talent
JRV
I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener. . . 
- Jason -
 

Alright! Automatic answer time!
JRV
Are you related to a platypus at all by chance? 
- Jason -
 

Why Can't I Get a Girl In THE CLOSET With Me, i got LIKE TO HUG?
Steve
David Hasslehoff is really big in Europe. 
- Simian -
 

I love you Simian & Jason
Steve
What's the other dark meat? 
- Jason -
 

I think it's black CAT
Steve
Join us next time when we pit garden gnomes against tree nymphs. 
- Jason -
 

Would someone touch my butt
steve 
Did you ever wonder who the poor soul is who got the number 555-DORK? 
- Jason -
 

Where does Elvis get his cool haircut?
Mario
Two of my favorite besotted mythological figures are those in ancient Greek mythology; Bacchus, King of Wine and Bud, King of Beer. 
- Simian -
 

Where has Elvis been since 1975 and the start of this site on the web?
Mario
Well, I'm sure I'd wonder about that too, if I weren't so heavily medicated. 
- Simian -
 

When did Simian get a brain-transplant, so she could type to answer these questions?
Mario
I had that same thought just after I successfully traversed my ear canal with a coat hanger and poked my brain. My arm also twitched. 
- Jason -
 

Why don't i have a BRAIN like my boyfriend
Jenill
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 
- Simian -
 

will GIVE ME HUGS with me jason i AM RETARDED (i'm REALLY DENSE)
Jenill
Here's some advice; Beware of the dwarf. He's got a foul temper. 
- Simian -
 

Are we having fun yet?
Ralph
Uh, right. Whatever you say. Now get your hands off my short stack. 
- Simian -
 

How much chuck would a could chuck chuck if a chuck wood would wood chuck? And why isn't my hair on fire yet?
Ralph
Did you ever start thinking how much fun it would be to shave Simian and paint her green? 
- Jason -
 

How does this work?
cj
If you stick a bendy straw in your ear, and suck on the other end, all answers will be revealed. 
- Jason -
 

DO YOU WANT TO SMOKE MY CRACK?????????
El Guacho
My cat actually asked me that once. Well, at least the allergy medicine made me hallucinate that my cat asked me that. 
- Jason -
 

On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest, how evil was Walt Disney?
Hempy
Uh, right. Whatever you say. Now get your hands off my short stack. 
- Simian -
 

Is it true that if you drop a penny off the top of the Empire State Building you would be one cent poorer?
Phred
I can melt ice with my mind. 
- Simian -
 

"Get your hands off my short stack"?? Was I making advances towards you?
Hempy
I think it has something to do with the moons orbiting Uranus. 
- Jason -
 

Do you think the doughboys evil?
COWs rule
Land Ho! Me thinks I see a scurvy sea rat. 
- Jason -
 

Hypothetically, if you were to accidentally kill someone, where would you hide the body?
Farmer Ned
Behold the purple kangaroos panting helplessly in the headlights of the approaching Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. 
- Jason -
 

Aren't lawyers basically being paid to talk? Could I find the answer to this question in the bible?
Sotto Voce
If I'm not mistaken, Elvis asked that very same question of the authorities in Amsterdam last Wednesday. 
- Jason -
 

Who loves ya baby?
Telly
I used to ask that, but after being severely beaten by strangers several times, I stopped asking. 
- Jason -
 

Why can't I train the dog to use the can opener?
hambone
What exactly was the Shmoo? 
- Jason -
 

Do you have the time?
Shack
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 
- Simian - 
 

Who da MAN?
Will Smith
I think if you stick your head in a coffee can and inhale really heavily, you're problems will be solved. 
- Jason -
 

Hot or cold, baby?
Will Smith
Nothing says lovin' like a short stack of pancakes. 
- Simian - 
 

Are drugs illegal?
John
Jason's 8 ball says: Most likely. 
- Jason -
 

Every body getz on my back for playing solitare by myself with out cardz, what'z the deal??
Tinker Bell
My cat actually asked me that once. Well, at least the allergy medicine made me hallucinate that my cat asked me that. 
- Jason -
 

I am one of the cutest girls on the net. Is that bad?
alexia
Have you ever consumed motor oil? 
- Jason -
 

IF I EAT CAT FOOD WILL I DIE?
ALEXIA
I want this question savagely beaten. 
- Simian - 
 

IF YOU LET YOUR DOG OUTSIDE WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
ALEXIA 
Uh -- I know how toast works. 
- Simian - 
 

STEVE SOUNDS YUNG 
ALEXIA 
Uh, looks like we need some chlorine in the gene pool. 
- Simian - 
 

I WANT TOMAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE PRESS 123 IF YOU WILL DO IT
ALEXIA
I'm sorry, the answer you have reached is no longer in service. Please check your question and ask again. 
- Jason -
 

Are marmosets an endangered species?
Mario
Uh -- I know how toast works. 
- Simian - 
 

How does a marmoset taste anyway?
Mario
If something is pretty neat, but not really neat, is it markable? 
- Jason -
 

And how come a Brazilian marmoset answers in English and not in Portugese?
Mario
Land Ho! Me thinks I see a scurvy sea rat. 
- Jason -
 

What should I ask?
FLAGG
According to my big book of weird answers, orange dinosaurs ruled the earth during the hippy-jurassic period. 
- Jason -
 

What if I ask two questions? Will you answer both?
flagg
Wild marmosets and semi-automatic weaponry! A combination that can't be beat! 
- Simian -
 

Is it fall yet?
flagg
I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener. . . 
- Jason -
 

Can I go home now?
flagg
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. . . 
- Jason -
 

I like the old question page better?
flagg
What did a frigerator do? It obviously didn't do it well or we wouldn't need refrigerators. 
- Jason -
 

Do you think guys won't like me because of my third head?
Iceebabie
Oh how the mighty have fallen. 
- Simian -
 

One I had a dream that I had a bowl of bannanas instead of a face. Is that normal?
matt the little monkey boy
Oh how the mighty have fallen. 
- Simian -
 

How many seconds are in a meter?
Barrio
What is that gelatinous stuff that congeals around canned ham? Is it alive? 
- Simian -
 

How many pancakes are there in 4 short stacks multiplied by 7 tall stacks with maple syrup and ice-cream? 
OzzyPedro
Hi, I'd like to order a large pan, with sausage, pepperoni, and mushrooms to go please. 
- Jason -
 

Why do people always change the subject when I ask a question?
OzzyPedro
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 
- Simian -
 

I really need urgent brain surgery, should I go to a hospital or could I save some cash by doing it myself?
OzzyPedro
Have you ever had the voices in your head start arguing with one another? 
- Jason -
 

Banana?
Bullhorn
Jason's 8 ball says: Reply Hazy. Try again. 
- Jason -
 

Guacamole anyone?
Bullhorn
Anybody wanna try my new rocket powered rollerblades? 
- Jason -
 

Am I an idiot?
Taco
Jason's 8 ball says: Very doubtful. 
- Jason -
 

How about those weebles?
Plobert Rant
Have I mentioned that Jason's psychotic? 
- Simian -
 

Yada, Yada, Yada!
Blonde
According to my big book of weird answers, orange dinosaurs ruled the earth during the hippy-jurassic period. 
- Jason -
 

How come Jason's Orange Dinosaur answer keeps popping up? Did you guys really like that one or something?
Goober
La la la la La Bamba. 
- Jason -
 

Do you have a good recipe for roadkill? I want to make dinner for my mommy and her new boyfriend
betty lou
Have I mentioned my glass eye? 
- Simian -
 

Hey did you hear that a dog got lose and chewed thru the cargo hold of a plane? 
Anonymouse
Did you ever wonder who the poor soul is who got the number 555-DORK? 
- Jason -
 

Ok guys, did you tweak this program with some magic mime dust or something? It isn't supposed to work so well! Is there a block of cheese & a mouse stuck in the cgi-bin or something??
Elvis Shortliver
Looks like the magical kidney dwarves will be paying you a visit soon. 
- Simian -
 

Do you know why my brother beats me up? I try to be good. I think he's a bully.
betty lou
I don't know. However, I do know the Muffin Man. 
- Simian -
 

What primary colors make up "Puce"?
Ghomer
Looks like the magical kidney dwarves will be paying you a visit soon.
- Simian -
 

That last answer didn't really match the question now did it?
Ghomer
Simian and a Braun razor with a full charge -- a match made in heaven.
- Jason -
 

I want to have huge biceps. I want to look like Arnold Schwartzenagger. Should I get pectoral implants? What about butt implants?
Mr. Beezly
Here's a bit of advice: Don't buy the William Shatner Workout Video.
- Simian -
 

How many days until you guys return???????
funkywun (flaggs cute sister)
Behold the purple kangaroos panting helplessly in the headlights of the approaching Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.
- Jason -
 

What's the doughboy afraid of?
Funky Jumper
I'd say your psychiatrist could help.
- Jason -
 

How does Jason get his wee balls (on his head, dirtbirds) to go different colours?
Funky Jumper
You know the saying, "Human see, human do."
- Simian -
 

No, what saying is that?
Funky Jumper
I had that same thought once. It was right after I fell off the roof and landed on that 5 gallon bucket of nails -- head first.
- Jason -
 

I loooove Elvis' hair. What hairspray does he use?
Snugglechops
According to my big book of weird answers, orange dinosaurs ruled the earth during the hippy-jurassic period.
- Jason -
 

I just got fired from my job. Okay so my boss was a militant transvestite Jesus-freak and I was chained to my desk and never got to use the restroom. But I'm still upset about it all. What should I do?
doggrel
Beat some mimes with gaily colored stockings filled with coleslaw and nails. Works every time.
- Simian -
 

I'm hungry, are you?
doggrel
Denny's - people don't purposely go there, they just sort of wind up there.
- Simian -
 

Denny's? Isn't that where Satan lives? Going there is like bad karma or something, right?
doggrel
Klaatu borada nikto.
- Simian -
 

Who picked the color yello for lines in the road?
fm Love
English is your second language, yes?
- Simian -
 

What do you think about the Internet's first Holy War between Church of Gerbil and Church of the Bunny?
Stanley Tetley
I used to have the same thoughts during my electroshock therapy.
- Jason -
 

Ahh, so the treatment worked?
Stanley Tetley
Jason's 8 ball says: YES!
- Jason -
 

Why does Snaggletooth not answer any questions?
Camelhump
Don't make me break out the hot pokers. 
- Simian -
 

Yes. Uranus has enough skid, sorry, scorch marks already.
Camelhump
Alright, that does it! I'm calling the Mime Squad! 
- Simian -
 

I love you Simian, really.
Camelhump
Join us next time when we pit garden gnomes against tree nymphs. 
- Jason -
 

Only if Simian comes. I looove him.
Camelhump
Adam West is a poor man's William Shatner. 
- Simian -
 

When a subatomic particle enters the chamber, they collide with air or alcohol vapor molecules, producing free ions. Vapor in the chamber condenses around these free ions, forming droplets. The droplets form trails. Will the Alpha particles make lighter or heavier trails then the Beta particles?
Semore Hiney
This question is like spending the weekend with your dentist. 
- Simian -
 

Are Simian and Jason married? Or is Simian married to Elvis? I dont know what's up with Snaggletooth but I dont think Simian is married to him. Is Elvis married to Snaggletooth? And if Simian isn't married to any of them, how do I get her to go out with me?
Craftmatic
One good thing about the apocalypse - there's always plenty of parking. 
- Simian -
 

My dad has always told me that I have to pay my dues. But I dont know how much that is or where to send the check. What do you think?
Craftmatic
Jason go sleep now. We talk later. 
- Jason -
 

Synchronous or Asynchronous?
OzzyPedro
Hooker's a good cop! 
- Simian -
 

Why is funny HARD WORK? Why don't you want to work hard? Why can't I swear?
OzzyPedro
You've been eating paste, haven't you? 
- Simian -
 

I think that God digs my daddy. Does that mean that I am blessed too?
protozoa
My suggestion; hit Jason with a sharp stick a few times and see what happens. 
- Simian -
 

When the Joker said "never rub another man's rhubarb" in 'Batman' the movie, was he making an arcane reference to male genitalia?
protozoa
Jason's 8 ball says: Without a doubt.
- Jason -
 

Am I a little extreme?
Driphter
I think you're just being a little extreme. 
- Jason -
 

where are my socks?
Polly Ester
Join us next time when we pit garden gnomes against tree nymphs. 
- Jason -
 

Where exactly do you think the Crack of Doom is?
Crack-o-doom
You think if we nuked France anyone would notice? 
- Simian -
 

It all depends on where you shove the bomb!
Crack-o-doom
La la la la La Bamba. 
- Jason -
 

Has anyone ever given you guys a Melvin?
Wedgie
You know the saying - Human see, human do.
- Simian -
 

No.
Wedgie
Two of my favorite besotted mythological figures are those in ancient Greek mythology; Bacchus, King of Wine and Bud, King of Beer. 
- Simian -
 

Can a bollick bounce?
Wedgie
I'd say your psychiatrist could help. 
- Jason -
 

What, bounce mine? Does your psychiatrist do that to you?
Wedgie
Jason's 8 ball says: Without a doubt. 
- Jason -
 

Voices in my head argue? What are you talking about?
Razzlefrazzle
Have you ever had the voices in your head start arguing with one another? 
- Jason -
 

I hate my brother. What should I do?
bettylou
Uh -- I know how toast works. 
- Simian -
 

What did people have for entertainment before fire?
Farmer Ned
This question is like spending the weekend with your dentist. 
- Simian -
 

Do you know what people used corn cobs for before toilet paper?!
Phunkydude
Sounds like you spent some time in prison. 
- Simian -
 

Why do weebils wobble?
Sloacombe
Here's a bit of advice: Don't buy the William Shatner Workout Video. 
- Simian -
 

Wanker. . .
Phresh Prinze
I think if you stick your head in a coffee can and inhale really heavily, you're problems will be solved. 
- Jason -
 

Could you bugger off
Phat Bouy
Ever eat sand? 
- Simian -
 

Who is the monkey's uncle?
Sweetcheeks
I often wondered that when I was going in and out of a comatose state. 
- Jason -
 

How does it?
Gonk
David Hasslehoff is really big in Europe. 
- Simian -
 

Ummmm. . . Bite Me?
Goo Ber
You've been eating paste, haven't you? 
- Simian -
 

Where'n the hell are you guys? I have no one to play with
gleeb
I accelerate for morons. 
- Jason -
 

You want fries with that?
Glob
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say. 
- Jason -
 

Would you like that with fries? Sounds different, but means the same thing. What peculiar english phenomenon is this?
Glum
Jason's 8 ball says: YES! 
- Jason -
 

Um, that wasn't a yes/no question.
Glum
Uh, looks like we need some chlorine in the gene pool. 
- Simian -
 

Why are you insulting me?! What did I do?
Glum
Did you ever wonder what would happen if you stuck your tongue in an exhaust pipe? 
- Jason -
 

AAAAAAAAHHHHH! That's it. Who are you?!
Glum
I'm not authorized to release that information. 
- Simian -
 

What freaking information are you authorized to release?!
Glum
Can I have fries with that? 
- Simian -
 

Um no. Where do you live? And would I be imposing to request an invitation to come to your house and hack your hands off?
Glum
Jason's 8 ball says: Cannot predict now. 
- Jason -
 

Can you predict when I'm going to finally kill you?
Glum
My cat actually asked me that once. Well, at least the allergy medicine made me hallucinate that my cat asked me that. 
- Jason -
 

And did your cat try to kill you?
Glum
I had that same thought just after I successfully traversed my ear canal with a coat hanger and poked my brain. My arm also twitched. 
- Jason -
 

Is that some weird metaphorical karma question implying you don't know if you're really dead?
Glum
I CAN'T FIND MY BELLY BUTTON!!! 
- Jason -
 

Have you looked in your abdominal region?
Glum
According to my big book of weird answers, orange dinosaurs ruled the earth during the hippy-jurassic period. 
- Jason -
 

Oy, again with the dinosaurs? What's up with the orange dinosaurs?
Glum
Ah Canada! Now that's comedy! 
- Simian -
 

What does Canada have to do with orange dinosaurs
Glum
Looks like the magical kidney dwarves will be paying you a visit soon. 
- Simian -
 

But all I did was ask a question! Why do you want to hurt me for asking questions?!
Glum
Wild marmosets and semi-automatic weaponry! A combination that can't be beat! 
- Simian -
 

Why do I like grape jelly? It's so good to eat.
sugarbaby
Jason's 8 ball says: Outlook not so good. 
- Jason -
 

The outlook on grape jelly isn't good? What do you mean?
sugarbaby
Ah Canada! Now that's comedy! 
- Simian -
 

What does Canada have to do with grape jelly?
sugarbaby
Anybody wanna try my new rocket powered rollerblades? 
- Jason -
 

No I don't. Don't you like grape jelly?
sugarbaby
Why must the good ones always go first? 
- Simian -
 

So is this the summer of no return or what?
Jubjub
I CAN'T FIND MY BELLY BUTTON!!! 
- Jason -
 

The only good think about this is that you cant get thrown into Gulag
Flaggs cute sister... Funkywun
I think if you stick your head in a coffee can and inhale really heavily, you're problems will be solved. 
- Jason -
 

OK Gang, we're coming back soon! We just have a few issues to discuss with our attorneys regarding what we did to that hotel in Fiji, and we think we can get the gag order lifted so we can return to work. Prepare yourselves. And yes, I know this isn't a question.
Jason
I want this question savagely beaten. 
- Simian -