OzzyPedro - Being poked in the eye with a stick is a lame alternative to MY answers, but I still like you anyway. Now where is my free dingo?
Chihuahuaboy - The last several months have been like going out to a bar & drinking 12 of those purply green drinks that have the powerful names like Electric Orgasms and then getting in a broken elevator that drops you off on the wrong floor every time you push the button. Needless to say I haven't had time to write anything down. Besides, "On The Road" was a big Yawner. As far as the turquoise jewelry goes - I have none. However I DO have some electric socks that are slightly wet. Lastly, where was I on Nov. 22, 1963? I dunno, but I do know where I was on March 7th - drinking molasses with all the other Internet burnouts.
FLAGG - Jason DID NOT kidnap me - he gave me several dollars & some electrical advice on how to build a time machine in exchange for letting him answer questions. I think he has done an excellent job, even though the time machine turned out to be a time BOMB. I forgive him this time though. As far as your Elvis lookalike mole goes, I happen to have a mole that, when I take valium, looks like a chopped off fingertip. Weird huh?
Jen - Lemme get this straight: you say that I suck better than Jason, yet you miss me & want me to come back, and furthermore that I am screwing with everyone's heads. Umm, I really don't know what to say, but there are people out there who can help you.
Pablo - Your obsession with Simian has reached the point of torture; SHE IS A FREAKIN' MONKEY DAMMIT! AND THANKS A FREAKIN' LOT FOR MISTAKING ME FOR A TOILET BRUSH! UFF!
Fezz - I was only using Yevgeny Primakov's armpit as a buffer for a moment. I am not that sick!

Well, that's it for now - remember, only BAD PEOPLE deserve to get a hot poker in... aww damn, I keep screwing this up... Hot Pokers are EVIL! Stay Away From Them! My Parole Officer Says So! (Whew!)

HI everyone! Just back from Kosovo! How are you! You should see my tan lines. Brought both of you back a surprise. Wait, let me open it for you .... just let me cut here ... KABOOM!
pookie face
In an effort to curb Serb aggression, NATO misses their target again and inadvertently bombs Pookie face -- in the WRONG FREAKING COUNTRY! 
- Jason - 
Hey Pookie, where’s Gumby? Back in Albania? Bad horse, bad horse!
- Simian -
 

Dear Elvis,
My friend and I disagree over how to pronounce your name. I think it's 'Shortliver', whereas he's sure it's 'Shortliver'. Which, if either, of us is correct?
Mix mpgalvin@tinet.ie
Shortliver: "He of a life span oh so brief". Or: "schlammige Zwiebel kurze Leber" (muddy onion of shortened life). Pronunciation - sh-OHT-LIE-v-ah.
- Simian - 
You're both wrong: It's pronounced §hört' lývær. 
- Jason -
 

How come in scary movies the monster doesn't die right away even after it's been stabbed, shot, beaten with a hammer and disemboweled? And how come the main characters never figure this out? Don't they watch scary movies?
JD
How come Roger Corman is still making movies? Why is Bob Saget considered funny? Who told David Hasslehoff that he would look good topless? I ponder these questions, myself ...
- Simian -
Monsters eat Wheaties. Main characters usually rank high on the looks scale and low on the IQ scale. 
- Jason - 
 

I just don't get it. All my friends think I'm a total wak. Why????? Just cuz I have 8 personallities, I'm a phyromanaic, and I own a bucket full of Pixie Dust doesn't make me a weirdo, does it??
Tinker Bell MushroomsR@AOL.com
As long as your personalities get along with one another, it can't be proven that you burned all those buildings, and you don't sell your pixie dust to young children, what you're doing is perfectly legal and don't let any so-called attorney tell you otherwise. 
- Jason -
I guess I shouldn’t ask you about your extra chromosome then, should I?
- Simian -
 

When deploying a hot poker, should I inform my helpless victim of my intentions or just go for it impromptu?
Chihuahuaboy chihuahuaboy@chihuahuaboy.com
Sounds like Chihuahuaboy is trying to land a job as a patrolman in the LAPD.
- Simian -
Depends. If they're over 60, I'd inform them, the shock from a hot poker could cause cardiac arythmia, or at the very least cause temporary loss of bladder control. If they're under 60, it's impromptu city dude. 
- Jason - 
 

Why is that underware manufacturers cannot seem to make an underware that fits comforatably... don't they have butts?
Blonde Justin@wwwjustin.com
Yes, but years of inbreeding in the underwear industry have caused some unusual mutations. Among them, underwear manufacturers have butts on their heads, thus they design underwear with a purely fashionable intent (because they wear it as a hat). 
- Jason - 
No. Underwear is made by trained, sadist baboons who want to take over the world via a universal wedgie.
- Simian -
 

Is it wise to stick your head out of a fast moving vehicle if so can wwe smile or lap up the cool wind?
Rikdeth riksez@lanset.com
Whatever floats your boat. I'd watch for rogue telephone poles though.
- Jason -
Sure! And after you do that, stick your head in the oven for 45 minutes. Oh sure it’ll kill you, but imagine how funny that would be!
- Simian -
 

Why is Snaggletooth on the top of this page?? He never answers any questions ... Also... don't you think it's a bit misleading to still have Elvis Shortliver's name in the title of this page? Considering he has disappeared more than a month ago?  I find these questions keep me up at night ... and I need you to answer them!!!! 
Jen marjen@bit.net.au
Are you cranky? Sometimes Elvis & Simian & Jason let me answer questions. I like mittens. Do you want a cookie? I have some chocolate chip cookies. I hope you’re not a mime. My mom would let me talk to mimes. They’re bad people and anyways god hates mimes.
- Snaggletooth - 
Elvis has disappeared? Really? Oh no, Jen - he hasn’t vanished. We sold him into slavery for some magic beans. Why do you ask? 
- Simian -
That's probably a reaction from your prozac. A couple of valium should counteract those effects pronto. You might also try some warm milk in a white russian. 
- Jason - 
 

Why is toasted bread soooo ........... good and never arrested?
Rikdeth riksez@lanset.com
According to penal code 128-e, "to make an arrest, the party must 1) commit an arrestable offense, and 2) be arrestable." The requirements for being arrestable include 1) breathing, 2) being human or a reasonable facsimile thereof, and 3) not being burned (though many toasted individual have been arrested). Since toasted bread cannot in my opinion commit an arrestable offense, does not breathe, and is not human, it does not meet any requirements of penal code 128-e. 'K? 
- Jason - 
High doses of radiation - it’s fun! You know, everybody could stand a few hundred chest X-rays each year. They ought to have them, too. Because radiation is our friend.
- Simian -
 

UMMM..... I was just reading all these questions from the past few months.. since I am finally back on the internet since Flagg banned me from it 3 months ago.. and I was wondering.. why are you so mean to Flagg??  What has he ever done to you??  Do you hate all handicapped people or what??
FLAGG'S CUTE SISTER FUNKYWUN SILVERYMOONLIGHT@HOTMAIL.COM
I think if you check the facts, I have been sticking up for the poor guy since his ritualistic beatings on this page. If by revealing those secrets about<chuckle> his parents, his fetish for women's clothing, and his lengthy criminal record I appeared to be contributing to the <giggle> mentality that we were picking on him, then I am deeply sorry <uncontrollable laughter>. No hard feelings Flagg ol' buddy <snicker>. 
- Jason - 
You mean Flagg’s not a cross-dressing circus midget with a shoe fetish? Yeah right. And next thing you’re going to tell me is that Jesse Helms really is a U.S. Senator...
- Simian -
 

Would Obi Wan Kenobi's lightsaber be considered a hot poker?
Chihuahuaboy chihuahuaboy@chihuahuaboy.com
Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. 
- Princess Simian - 
Very astute observation Chihuahuaboy! I believe Obi Wan's lightsaber would indeed be considered a hot poker. There is nothing in my hot poker compliance manual that states it cannot be battery powered, though it cannot be phallic shaped. 
- Jason -
 

Why is snow cold?
McFresh Jlam35@aol.com
Because if it was warm it would be rain, and if it was hot it would be steam. 
- Jason - 
Ah, maybe because it’s frozen? You think that's the reason?
- Simian -
 

How do you get someone to seek help if they scream and yell and throw things around and tell you they don't need help? And what is the differnce between screaming and yelling?
Blonde Justin@wwwjustin.com
Blonde, have those naughty garden gnomes been sending subliminal messages to you again? Maybe you should get out of the sun for awhile.
- Simian - 
Beat them severely until they agree that THEY have a problem. Continue to threaten them with severe beatings throughout their treatment to minimizethe likelihood that they will fail to complete their treatment. This is called negative reinforcement among the psychology community, and while it is believed to be the least effective form of behavioral modification for the subject, it is the most gratifying form of control for the individual attempting to modify the behavior of the subject. 
- Jason -
 

Which are better iron or hickory hot pokers?
Chihuahuaboy chihuahuaboy@chihuahuaboy.com
Iron is superior. It retains heat much better to provide a good long burn. Now if you're really into top of the line, Titanium pokers are the ultimate in heat dispersal. 
- Jason - 
This is where you step back and say, 'Thank the gods for my exoskeleton!'
- Simian -
 

The other night I had a dream that I married Elvis Shortliver, and we had two children, Simian and Jason. Their best friends were two mimes who they kept beating up and using them for their connections to France so that when they were older they could become terrorists and bomb France to oblivion ... Do you think that maybe I might be a little strange?
Jen marjen@bit.net.au
Uh, Jen? Does this question have anything to do with French toast? French toast is quite delicious. But if this question has nothing to do with French toast then I’m not going to answer it, okay? Next....
- Simian - 
Ladies and gentlemen we have the understatement of the year. 
- Jason -
 

Should I take the job THEY offered me?
Allan..... I'm back! allanwilliams@hotmail.com
I assume you're talking about a group of individuals whose names you don't know, and not those creepy alien creatures from the movie of the same name that starred Rowdy Roddy Piper. If it is the aliens, don't do it--they'll eat you. They ate an acquaintance of my friend's neighbor's great aunt's hairdresser's proctologist. 
- Jason - 
Garden gnomes offered you a job? Do you really think you can spit that far?
- Simian -
 

Who was the inventor of the laser guided hot poker?
Chihuahuaboy chihuahuaboy@chihuahuaboy.com
I really don't know. But I bet you didn’t know who invented lightning. It was some guy named Karl. Karl invented lightning. And yummy strudel. Yeah he invented strudel too.
- Simian - 
Good questions today Chihuahuaboy! The laser guided hot poker was invented by an AT&T/Bell labs engineer named Nerdly P. Goober. Tired of being ridiculed by neanderthal athletes, Nerdly sought a more precise means of controlling his "Punishment Stick" (as it was called by the neanderthals) to optimize pain during punishment sessions. Conventional mechanisms could only pinpoint the poker to an area of within 1 square foot. Laser guidance got it to within 5 square inches. Nerdly has since revised his poker to include a Global Positioning Receiver and has improved its accuracy to within .5 square inch! 
- Jason -
 

So I hafta know why Simian ran my proposal question AGAIN a month or so after it was origianlly submitted and answered. Is it that you were short of questions ... or is she re-considering because her blow-up doughboy doll had a flat ?
Pablo pablo@crapco.com
We picked some of our favorite questions for our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL. Now maybe Poppin’ Fresh the Pillsbury Doughboy has indeed been ignoring all my 8,574 love letters, but, I did get the attention of that great Shakespearean actor, William Shatner. And William Shatner is himself filled with hot air. Reconsider? Pancakes talk Pablo….. so put your pancakes where your mouth is.
- Simian - 
How is it possible that someone who is illiterate is capable of typing coherent sentences? OK, let's simplify things for the special people out there: 
One:  The first and lowest cardinal number 
Year:  A period of 12 calendar months reckoned from any date. 
Anniversary:  The yearly return of the date of some event. 
Special:  Of or for a particular purpose 
- Jason -
 

Alright, who is the idiot that coined the phrase "Peace-Keeping Missile"?
CarNut
The nice people at the Department of Defense.  Motto: "Kicking the crap out of anybody we see fit". By the way, they don't take kindly to being called idiots. I'd put my affairs in order and write a will if I were you. 
- Jason - 
Don Johnson formaly of "Miami Vice"? Oh I know, this is a trick question.
- Simian -
 

He? 
PJ pj007@rocketmail.com
Eeeek?
- Simian - 
Oh look, PJ sent us another piece of sentence. . . Looks like a pronoun. 
- Jason -