THIS WEEK
NOTE: All the Kewl Bizarre Links are at: Mr. Lardlumps Links.
 

Wow, is this heaven?
Bailey blonde_atheart@webtv.net
As far as you're concerned Bailey, yes, this is heaven.  You don't want to see hell.
- Jason -
Well, I'm not quite sure if it's Heaven. We have a coat rack & some chairs, so yeah I guess it is kinda like Heaven! Wow! We finally made it! Golly, all of that worryin' sure paid off!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is the worship of maggots a bad thing?
CarNut Carnut15@usa.net
Not for you it isn't, CarNut. Not for you...
- Simian -
 

Should the hands that pray in church also spank the monkey?
Lin ascrewlews@aol.com
Only if you don't tell anyone.  Oops, you just did.  Now you're gonna burn in hell.
- Jason -
 

YOU FOOLS< LISTEN TO THE CHRISTIANS OR WHEN THE ANTI-CHRIST COMES YOU ALL SHALL BE CRUSHED BY MY WRATH. SO PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM IF ONLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT, AND ALSO THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO BE FEARFUL, INFACT, IT GIVES YOU REASONS TO BE LESS AFRAID, THAT GOD WILL PROTECT AND DELIVER YOU FROM THE ANTI-CHRIST AND ALL THE OTHER TROUBLES OF THE WORLD!
THeDESTROYER redemtionboy@hotmail.com
Hey, remember when I got hit by the car on my bicycle, and the doctors had to plug up all of the holes in my lungs & stuff my beating bloody heart back in my chest cavity & when I woke up I didn't believe them? *twitch* No? *gurgle* Like they make glue that's strong enough to do all that!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If chickens ruled the earth, would Nazis be obliterated by the Jews?
Bailey blonde_atheart@webtv.net
This reminds me of a joke I just heard: What did the Nazi find in his helmet? A big heaping pile of poop.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How old are all of you... in human years?
Maggie kiwipea@pacbell.net
Me? Ageless. But as for Elvis and Jason, well, I don't know if I can count THAT high.
- Simian -
 

Where did it go?
Bailey blonde_atheart@webtv.net
I think it crashed into Uranus.
- Jason -
 

Hey, I'm getting a little older and I've decided that I really liked being younger. What would you suggest I do about it?
~Bob~ MadDog-98@webtv.net
Oh, I dunno, Bob - - get breast implants?
- Elvis Shortliver -
Die now. You'll never get any older, I promise.
- Simian -
 

Why do I always read what I type once I have pressed enter? This is not voluntary and it is quite embarrassing...
Xaanadu Xaanadu@webtv.net
After reading this question, I knew it was a good time to go get a sandwich.
- Simian -
Hmm, have you been hanging around with FLAGG?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I'm back!! Did you miss me? Oh by the way, Elvis, there is a koala in the mail for you... he should be ok, although a little squished....
Jen marjen@bit.net.au
Well, err, thanks Jen. In exchange, We're sending you down Mr. Lardlumps' pet skunk "Skunky" who lives in his rosebush. I'm guessing that we won't need to season that koala  at all, right? 
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Because I'm an insensitive jerk, I stopped coming to your page a long time ago... I'm sorry. What have you guys been up to for the past year or so?
janeabeth janie-liz@loveable.com
Oh the usual; eating pancakes; throwing canned ham at mimes; stapling fly paper to old people; making fun of CarNut and his sad, sad, drug habit; sending bags of dead hamsters to the people who haven't showed up in a year or so. And you?
- Simian -
Well, Simian had to get an emergency gum transplant because she mistook an empty Jim Beam bottle for rock candy.  Elvis trimmed his hair way down so his head is only 4 feet in diameter now, and I had to go to the hospital recently because I got one of my antennae caught in the trunk lid of my space ship when I was trying to lift the keg out.
- Jason -
 

I  HAVE  THIS  BOY  AND   THIS  OTHER  BOY  I  LIKE. ONE  OF   TMEM  SAID ''CHOOSE  BETWEEN   US.''    WHAT  WILL   I   DO 
Kaylin queenjones47@hotmail.com
Who do I look like - Judge Judy? Mr. Burns? Just keep your mitts off Poppin' Fresh!
- Simian -
 

Are guys who DON'T play football better dates?
fishtank46 insne@another.com
Absolutely.  They're less likely to overpower you and beat you, and they're more likely to provide intelligent conversation that doesn't involve football plays and super bowls.  They also don't drool incessantly, and most women tell me that's a plus.
- Jason -
Oh goodie, an experiment! If I take this brick & smash it over my own head, what will it 
*SLAM!* ------ *THUD!*
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Where do all the missing socks go? I have some socks here and their missing their partners. I've tried to help find them but to no avail. HELP!
Jacko B tinncup31@hotmail.com
We're sorry, Jacko, but that question is not allowed here UNLESS you have put your sweaty stinky lint-packed foot in your mouth for at least a minute (I'm talking fully in there) - once you do that, maybe you'll have a little more empathy towards those poor poor socks.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Hmmmm.  Hey Elvis and Simian, it looks like we've got a reader who never looked at our archives.  Bring  out the nipple twisting device, somebody's gonna get a purple nurple.
- Jason -
 

Who do you think is going to win the Stanley Cup?  You know that big hunk of metal with that over-size cereal bowl on the top?  How could you not know of the Stanley Cup?  It's the greatest trophy ever!  Do you know how many people would shed their blood to win that thing?  Almost 5!  Geeze! 
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Geeze, I always thought the head of Medusa was the greatest trophy ever until I witnessed one of Bunbun's bad hair days (mats & all!), lets just say that it totally ruined the series finale of Beverly Hills 90210 - what's up with that Spelling chick anyway?
- Elvis Shortliver -
Hey, look at me! I'm a silly-looking mime! I'm stuck in an imaginary box of my own making! I'm probably French! Being French should be illegal! If no one shoots me with a double barrel shotgun, it's only because they pity my wretched existence! 
- The Mime -
 

What do you have against mimes?  They fought the war just like the other soldiers.  That's right, the mimes were the first wave that tried to invade Dieppe, they all got mowed down like a group of Indians in a 60's Western unfortunately, but they made the Germans use up their ammo, so don't you think you should respect them just like you would respect a target in a shooting gallery?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
There is only one thing worse than being French. And that's being a French mime. Aside from frightening me with their ungodly antics, mimes are evil. EVIL!
- Simian - 
 
 

Why do they sterilise needles used for leathel injections. John Denver That sterilization process is a major scam - they just do that for the yucks, to torture the guy being snuffed - Will he do it this time, or is it just another bluff? - Sterilizing needles is kinda like when you put a tooth under your pillow & in the morning there's money. Think the tooth fairy cares about whether your blood is tainted or not? No! She just wants that freakin' silver. Money is the root (cavity joke) of all evil. - Elvis Shortliver -

OzzyPedro Predicts "A  Saved Is A  Earned."

This is almost the funniest thing I've ever read:

"When  you feel like going to the bathroom, why do you still try to hold it sometimes? 
HOK
Er, Hok? I, er, don't. 
- Simian -"

I don't have a question this week is that ok??
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
No.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why can't you answer questions more than once a week? I'm so sad. 
Maggie kiwipea@pacbell.net
What? And miss my Tuesday night gig juggling flaming lawn chairs at Clownie's Meat Shop? Are you insane?
- Simian -
Hey, what a great idea! We can answer questions more than once a week! Hey guys,  pull out your calendars! Let's answer the next batch of questions July 3rd! Thanks Maggie!
- Elvis Shortliver -