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Did Momma Cass have mustard on her ham sandwich? 
Chihuahuaboy chihuahuaboy@chihuahuaboy.com
Yes, but it wasn’t the mustard that did her in. It was the live grenade she had stuffed between the rye bread and lettuce. 
- Simian - 
Yes, mustard, mayonnaise, peanut butter, onion, pickles, pineapple, salami, bologna, spaghetti, a 16-ounce prime rib, onion rings, french fries, a baked potato, and a cucumber. And people wonder why she got choked. 
- Jason -

Shouldn't crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Big Ed emaier@maiermedia.com
It’s a fact the many people spontaneously combust each year. That’s right! They just burst into flames! You just don’t hear too much about it. However, few of these people have the foresight to carry their own urns with them. 
- Simian - 
I really don't think dead people are gonna care whether they save a few bucks or not, Big Ed. Cremation is silly. All those kids starving in countries that I can't even pronounce would kick our asses if they saw us grilling meat & burying it in our backyards... uh, ferget that last part. 
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Every other Wednesday I wake up to find the postman making love to a large tub of cotton candy in the corner of my room. Ijust roll over and go back to sleep. My mother says I'm jaded. Who was the 22nd president?
Random Fuzzy Mammals ronisize@aol.com
These thoughts among others ramble on incessantly through Mr. Clinton's brain as the congressional "mothers" decide his future. He thinks of what his next job will be - a banjo player - a dog track owner - a bolivian dancer - suddenly his dreams are squashed by a single word - Acquitted. 
- Elvis Shortliver - 
The 22nd President was none other than the jaded, yet totally wacky, Joseph Stalin. Before he invaded Antarctica, he was a world renowned stand-up comic and exotic dancer who loved booze, raw meat and Liza Minnelli - not necessarily in that order. 
- Simian -
 

Do you think that if they changed the "March of Dimes" to the "March of Quarters" they would get more money?
Karen KarenRott@aol.com
No, but if they changed it from the "March of Dimes" to "Beating Mimes" I think
they’d get more media coverage. 
- Simian - 
Hey, it worked for the United Way! It was pretty silly of them to name it "Everyone Except Us Gets Squat", but we all need to figure stuff out on our own, don't we.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Are you interested in apathy? 
OzzyPedro biggsy@mindless.com
Uh, whatever. Is it time for my Valium yet? 
- Simian - 
I just didn't care enough to even try to answer this question. 
- Jason -
 

Is the "I Hate Mimes Club" in any way affiliated with the "I Hate Frames Club"? If so, would putting a picture of a mime in a frame be the most awful thing you could possibly do?
Big Ed emaier@maiermedia.com
Almost Big Ed. Actually, the worst thing you could possibly do is put the frame of a picture in a mime. . . via the "rear entrance". They actually make noise when you do this. 
- Jason - 
I wouldn’t mind framing some mimes. Say Jason, let’s go knock over a few banks and blame it on those darn pesky mimes. They’ll be shipped back to France in no time. 
- Simian -
 

Whereinthehell is Elvis ? I've just noticed over the last couple of weeks, since he's been gone, that HE WAS THE FUNNY ONE.  (No offense Jason... marry me Simian) 
Pablo pablo@crapco.com
No offense taken.  Oh, by the way Pablo, I've got some nuclear warheads that are past their expiration date, what's your home address? On second thought, what's your work address? No, um, wait. . . Hell, just give me any address within a 50 mile radius of your vicinity. Oh, and, unless you own lead pants, it'll be pointless to marry Simian. 
- Jason - 
Elvis Shortliver; He's like an idiot savant .... minus the savant. As for Jason, well let’s just say he enjoys fake fur pants more than he should. So, face the facts, Pablo; pancakes are just a vehicle for butter and delicious syrup. 
- Simian -
 

Why?
PJ patmi@westbrabant.net
Tune in next week when PJ attempts to add a verb and form a partial sentence.
- Jason - 
Since we sent this question to the Gulag last week we must assume that PJ is intensely simple, inbred, or both. 
- Simian -
 

The other day I was wondering around town in my super hero cape and underwear, when a cop stops me and arrests me.  They say I'm not a super hero, and I have to wash my underwear.  They got some nerve don't they?!?! 
Gor, Defender of Unwashed Undies iamgor@aol.com
Okay let me get this straight: you went into town dressed only in your skivvies and pretended to be a super hero. Gor, are you completely mad? Everyone knows that super heros don’t wear underwear. You’ve never seen Superman or Batman or Aquaman with a wedgy, have you? 
- Simian - 
I know how you feel Gor.  I had a similar experience a few years back after a mixup with my nasal inhaler. I shaved off all of my body hair, covered myself in chocolate syrup and sprinkles, drove to the post office and tried to mail myself COD to Bjork. 
- Jason -
 

Why would one want a hot water heater? Perchance he wants his water xtra hot?
Zona Allen zeeezeee@webtv.net
The early tepid water heaters just didn't sell very well. 
- Jason - 
All the better to scold bad midget children with. Ever taste human flesh? 
- Simian -
 

Whats your favorite pizza topping?
skippy
Copper tubing or Americium 241, it's a tossup really. 
- Jason - 
Liquid mercury.
- Simian -