THIS WEEK
NOTE: All the Kewl Bizarre Links are at: Mr. Lardlumps Links.
 

Did you know that it is very dangerous being a British police officer on a Friday night?  Just think of all of those breathalyzer tests they have to give, there's usually a couple hundred policemen that pass out each time!  What do you think they should do to put an end to this problem?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Yeah, and you know what else?? They're called "Bobbies" - BOBBIES!!! HAHAHAHHAHAAAA! .... Ahem. I wouldn't worry about them being short of breath & long on the law or whatever. Just picture them in their underpants & it'll make you glad to be Iranian. 
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Why does the monkey think I'm mentally unstable?  And why does it think that comedy is so hard, when it really isn't?  Has it ever heard of beer?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
1) According to our in house psychologist, you ARE unstable.
2) Monkey is a she, not an it - so she claims.  Elvis and I tried to turn her over once to check, but she got mad and peed in our shoes for 2 days.
3) Monkey has heard of beer, but after a 1995 party at my house, Simian gets nauseous at the smell of beer.  Now she drinks 3 fingers of whiskey straight with a vodka chaser.
- Jason -
Look kids! Booze really heals!
- Simian -
 

As an experienced nuclear scientist, I agree totally with Jason's prediction that adding acid to water all in one go is extremely dangerous. However I would like to know what other dangerous things (such as adding certain metals to water) there are so I can try them out in my laboratory. Any suggestions?
Stanley Tetley stanleytetley@yahoo.com
Sure.  Here are some things that probably should not be combined:

• An NRA convention and free weapons that are aimed improperly (oh wait, we probably would want to combine those - that could provide hours of entertainment).
• O.J. Simpson and women.
• O.J. Simpson and men.
• O.J. Simpson and weapons.
• Pasta and Antepasta (they will totally obliterate each other).
• Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger naked.
• Zsa Zsa Gabor, Rodney King, and a California Highway Patrol officer.
• Motor oil and pancakes.
• George Bush and flour, sugar, salt, baking soda, or any other white powders.
• Dan Quayle and Merriam Webster.
• Barney the dinosaur and The Terminator.
• The Teletubbies and The Terminator (we have Arnold Schwarzenneger under contract to eliminate cute children's characters).
• Me and an obnoxious, pushy unarmed sport utility vehicle driver.

This must be where I am supposed to type my question, right? I think I'm getting the hang of this now. Can I push the "Help Me!" button now? Do I put my name in here?
Is this where my email address should go?
Every once in a while, Stevie thinks he can see a faint shadow despite his condition. I guess we ask for it by having the Braille font as an option for our blind readers. Hey Stevie! Check out the kewl gif I made of you!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Do you despise chemistry like I despise chemistry? Oh, and Jason, I want to have your baby.
Maggie kiwipea@pacbell.net
Actually, I enjoyed chemistry.  We created room temperature super conductors on my planet in my high school chemistry class.  I think you probably don't like chemistry because you're not being challenged enough.
I appreciate the baby offer, but I believe the intense Chernobyl radiation left me sterile.  Either that, or it altered my genes enough that if you did have my baby, it would probably rip its way out through your chest, and that's usually kind of messy.  Unbeknownst to most, the movie Alien was actually a documentary, not fiction.
- Jason -
 

Is it my fault when my kids are bad? I'm a good mom, I let them watch Malcom in the Middle.
Annonymous
Malcom's mom is evil you hear me!?  Eeeeeeviiiiiillllll!!!
- Jason - 
Being bad didn't seem to affect Buster Keaton very much, so I guess you're at least half as crazy as his parents were, which in today's world means that you're practically normal... 
Go figure!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If Princess Leia and Chewbacca were ever to get together.... what would you end up with?
Guido guidomuffin@hotmail.com
A giant illiterate hamster with large cinnamon sticky buns wedged to the side of its head. Hey want do you want? An intelligent answer?
- Simian -
A furry little creature with a crappy attitude that walks around going:  ARAAAAAGH NRAAAAAN YRAAAAAAGH!
- Jason -
 

If you accidentally dump radioactive tar on your best friends inner thigh, will it inhibit your progress at becoming a retired used marsupial - wallet(tm) salesman?
Pork Lemonde email@email.com
I'm rather vague on what this Pork person is asking or what this question means, however I think that if Mr. Coffee and Mrs. Butterworth want to have a secret affair far be it for me to interfere with the training of the Teletubbie in the martial arts.
- Simian -
NO, being a used Marsupial Wallet salesman is kinda yukky in a creepy sort of way, and retiring is nearly always, well, relaxing. Oh the thing about the radioactive tar - that should force you into retirement for sure. Hey, they're even cracking down on the sausage vendors nowadays! Poor sods.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What does it mean if you like Zebras... like is there any deep meaning?
Blonde Blonde@wwwjustin.com
It probably means you have really big breasts, or you have deep seated feelings of inadequacy and wish you did.  Where does one go to purchase a Z bra?  Victoria's shocking little secrets?
- Jason -
Yes Blonde there is a deep meaning to liking zebras. It means you want to send this little marmoset a bunch o' money. A couple of bags of freshly minted 20's, if you don't mind. Yup that's what that means.
- Simian -

Ok, ok. I'll come clean I was the one who posted the question about the dude named Josh. SO QUIT E-MAILING HIM!! By the way.. THIS PLACE SUCKS ARSE!! Im neva coming here again! Lisa Lisadonoven@hotmail.com Boy, that was a close call. Imagine if she stayed - it'd be just like moving back home... - Elvis Shortliver -

OzzyPedro Predicts "A  will be found in your desk drawer by the CIA, and you will have to explain."

How come Elvis always answers the last question on your page? Is this some subliminal "Elvis has left the building" thing? Does he really leave the building after he answers the question? And does that mean that Jason and Simian leave to, or do they have to leave before Elvis answers the question?
Flap Jack
You don't understand; Elvis NEVER leaves the building. If he did, all the flying potato dogs would be unleashed on the world. There would be destruction and mayhem and stale waffles! What are you thinking man? Oh wait, there's where I left my Valium.....
- Simian -
I swear it is just a coincidence! No! I mean it! Watch, I bet this week I'm NOT the last one to answer a question!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

I'm doing a term paper on humor can you give me a good joke to kick it off with? 
Thomas
IT seems rather odd that the self-named comedians that write this thing can't come up with anything for that question.  And I WOULD give you a good joke, but my, uhh, foot has been, uhh, severed off at the ankle!
- White Paul -
After writing my previous answer to this question, I pondered for about 3 days and finally, this is the best joke I could come up with:  The 3 Orgasms of a Woman.  1. The positive orgasm: Ohh yes, ohh yes!  2. The negative orgasm: Ohh no, ohh no.  And 3. The FAKE orgasm: Ohh Paul, ohh Paul! :(
- White Paul -
OK so there is this guy, and he walks into a bar.  Then he goes up to the.... oh wait... was it the bartender or the innocent looking monkey?.... well whatever he talks to someone... and then....... DAMMIT... I CAN'T EVER REMEMBER A JOKE... GRRRRRR..
- Guido -
There's no humor here. Go away!!!
- OzzyPedro -
 

Would everyone please send some unsolicited E-mail to "Maggie"  at kiwipea@pacbell.net  or   magglez@bolt.com.  In the "subject" part of the message, please insert "sniff me, I'm  orange".  Then in the body of the letter... tell her your life story. 
Guido
ALL e-mail is unsolicited unless you specifically ask for it. The term is used most often in reference to advertisements. The word "yo" is my substitute for "hello" and is an attempt to meet you, NOT to make you look at my porn.
- Maggie -
You can't go around soliciting for unsolicited email. It doesn't work. I tried it and all I got was the "I LOVE YOU" virus and some pics of Donny Osmond in drag.
- OzzyPedro -
 

Ok... there is this guy named josh.. I really like him a LOT... I think he likes me also... so if you think he should ask me out, will you e-mail him at munky692@hotmail.com?/ 
Bailey 
Ok, lisa this is the last time I am going to tell you... LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I KNOW it is you cuz you are the only ne who knows about Josh (by the way he already asked me out) EVERYONE E-MAIL LISA at LisaDonoven@hotmail.com and tell her to leave me alone... please!!
- The real Bailey -
Josh..... when you are with Bailey do you ever just start thinking: "FIRE!!... GET OUT OF THE BUILDING"????.... just wondering.
- Guido -
 

Where is Harvey's? And will he only serve you burgers once you get there? 
Flap Jack 
The only Harvey's that I know of is situated in Canada.  And yes, he will only serve you burgers once you get there.  Unless you place an order for them to be used as bullet proof vests, as the Canadian Army did in WWII.
- White Paul -
I hear that Harvey also does a great Salmonella.
- OzzyPedro -
 

I'M GOING HOME!!!!!  Aren't you happy for me? 
Tina 
I am assuming at the moment that home is a little known asylum deep in the woods where no one gets in and the inmates rarely get out. In that case, I am extremely happy for you (that's one more nutter off the face of the earth, hahahahahahahaha)
- Stanley Tetley -
It's really hot outside.
- Maggie -
 

I need a refill of Pepsi. Have any? 
Bobby
Don't you know that Coke is better for you?  Drinking Pepsi will turn you into an annoying little girl.
- White Paul -
 

If there are 2 ducks in front of a duck, and 2 ducks behind a duck, and a duck in the middle, how many ducks are there? 
Funky Jumper
Enough to make another Mighty Ducks movie, god forbid that to ever happen!
- White Paul -
It's not the ducks you should worry about.  It's the fact that they're all driving nitro-burning funny-cars that should fill you with dread.
- Jenn Dolari -
The amount of ducks is irrelevant. what matters is if I spike there water with a little lysergic acid dylithemide, they will take over the world and force all of us to feed them bread. Do you know who is responsible for this??? SSSNNNNOOOOOWWWWBBBBAAAALLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, ok, so Napoleon really was a Nazi. It reminds me of the time I took a trip to New York, Joined a group of skinheads, got kicked out for being a "Tree huggin pantywaist", started a cult based on a rotten banana, It failed after people realized the banana smelled like horse doo-doo, then decided to pimp midgets and cows to the sick and severely twisted. I started a mexican fruit stand dedicated to my Hombre, Jose. Jose came from the border a couple days ago, I gave the pimpin' bidness to him, started a harem, bought an '85 Sentra, blew it up, then went to Nevada, lost all my cash, went to jail for gambling, became good friends with "Bubba" and shot his head off, I did. I haven't been laid since the Kiaser. I wear my pants up to my nipples. I need a rascal to ride the road to hell at no more than 3 MPH. My pee bag is full. My dignity is empty. Why can't my dignity be my pee bag? Oh well. where was I again? Where Am I? What is this newfangled glowing box contraption in front of me? Where is my rifle? I gotta gooot some Nazis. Do You realize that I could use the word NAZI to gain attention to my answer? NAZI NAZI NAZI NAZI!!!! I found God and his name is Bill. He smokes crack with me all day. Lousy moochin' war widows.
- CarNut -