Update from last week:  Never fear dear visitors, Jason is still safe in hiding even after the government endorsed Xryblin Nzing (Killer Clowns From Outer Space) raid on my shiny new mobile home. However those diminutive green space buggers contaminated me with the ILOVEYOU space virus, also known as the FUNNY JOKE space virus, which isn't really funny after all. Some of the symptoms of this virus is that I turn a lovely shade of greenish-blue and get big black eyes like Mojo Jojo does after getting his super intelligent primate hinder kicked by Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup. So, needless to say, this little monkey feels down right ICKY. At least I got to pelt those invading space jerks with stale waffles before they went slinking back to their spaceships (I think I was actually saying "Can I have some fries with that please?" in Jason's native tongue) . Anyway, after some Tang and blueberry pancakes, I'll be back to my old self again. Which is to say I'll be back to being the unemployed, Poppin’ Fresh loving, cute monkey prankster that hides frozen fish sticks in Mr. Lardlump's mailbox and sends my taxes into the IRS on used Kleenex.  - Simian -

THIS WEEK
NOTE: We are NO LONGER making Y2K jokes.
 

How did you get so funny?
shanna shanna_tate@onebox.com
We watched thousands of episodes of The Three Stooges and The Carol Burnette Show while consuming large quantities of beer and allergy medicine. We also unknowingly inhaled a lot of carbon monoxide when my gas water heater broke and probably sustained minor brain damage which we believe has enhanced our sense of humor.
- Jason -
Well, contrary to what Jason says, the secret to our success is that every week, before we answer the questions, we all get together in one room & beat the hell out of each other until one of us ends up crying, or with a broken limb, or at least bleeding from an eye or two. Nah, I made that up. We just have funny jeans!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Shock treatments. Many, many shock treatments. 
- Simian -
 

What the H--L is a frog in Quebec? Check out , I am not a Canadian rant its Audio from a radio stn.
Roger Isabelleelliot@AOL.com
Hey! Pipe down up there, or... or... We will make you move FURTHER North! How'd you like that, huh? Man, am I cranky today... Sorry Roger. You are just confusing the hell out of me with your silly french hybrid squat language!!! Grrrr!!!!! Oh, jeez, again I'm sorry Roger....
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Why do they celebrate the resurrection of Jesus with a rabbit that carries colored eggs?
FLAGG
Because human nature leans each of us toward a gleeful and happy view of life they had to hire that little bunny to cheer up the day that jesus took up his life again.  So then you think... "but isn't that a good thing that jesus was resurrected?" and then I would say to you... no... cause religion just makes things complicated and raises a million questions about our very existence... so to try to keep things simple and quell human thought.... the bunny keeps things happy... and simple.... cause you see life is kinda like a circus... it's all bad until you add the clowns..... and the guys who swallow swords and burning rats..... *cough*
- Guido -
Why do we celebrate our birthdays with champaign and a male prostitute? Or, is that only me? Oops... I think I just blew my cover!
- White Paul -
Because it's a LITTLE more cheerful than digging up dead bodies...?
- Pablo -
 

You spelled Porfessional wrong! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA just joking! Neat site!
No Fear nofear@niteshade.net
HEY! You moved the latters around on our title! That's vandalisn you know! First that bonker ILOVEU virus, now this?? You're - gonna - - make me - - - - WAAAAAAH!!!!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Uh, yeah, okay. Perhaps you have ‘No Fear’ but you're scaring the heck out of me. 
- Simian - 
 

What is humor?
Steph g_girl44@chickmail.com
Humor is seeing a cow slip on a banana peel in front of other cows which causes them to laugh so hard milk comes out their noses.  This in turn makes the farmer laugh so hard, he drives his tractor into the silo which causes it to topple over into a pig pen where part of it lands on a board precariously balanced on a 5 gallon bucket.  On the other end of that board stands a totally unaware pig who gets suddenly catapulted up to the altitude of a passing commercial jet where the unfortunate swine--squealing and grunting in mid-air--passes by a window in the passenger cabin at which someone sits who has just said to their seat mate jokingly "when pigs fly".  Now that's humor!
- Jason -
Uh, something that's FUNNY? Yeah, that's it. I think humor would have to be FUNNY, Steph. But that's just me. 
- Simian - 
 

HEY YOU HAVE MY BOYFRIEND IN A DUFFEL BAG???? OH NO!! IF I GIVE YOU A QUARTER WILL YOU GIVE HIM BACK?? OH BY THE WAY, MY BF IS LANCE, THE ONE WITH THE BLOND SPIKEY HAIR.
Bailey
i AM lance.
- Lance -
I had no idea that male blow-up dolls have gone down in price to 25 cents, and I had no idea they came with blonde spikey hair. I find it cute though that you named yours Lance. Have I mentioned that I'm NOT gay?
- White Paul -
 

Have you ever fallen asleep at the wheel of your car and woken up in a corn field with a cow carcass on your windshie
Maggie kiwipea@pacbell.net
Hmm, that sounds like on of them there alien abductions Maggie. Are y'all from one of them suthen states? Let's take a simple test to see: Can you read? Does the flag have an X on it, or does it have the white dots? Yes, those are called S T A R S, Maggie. And the aliens live in there. Maybe simian, or even Jason being a pseudo-redneck & all can explain it better than me.
- Elvis Shortliver -
We seem to have a cow theme going this week.  In answer to your question: Yes, sort of.  I was once working with the government in an elaborate cattle abduction scheme, and fell asleep one night while abducting one.  When I awoke, I was 42 miles from where I started, and when I got home, I saw on the news that several people had reported a loudly mooing angus hovering 15 feet off the ground heading down I-5 at about 80 miles per hour.  Needless to say, I began drinking coffee after that night.
- Jason -

What can you do with a spatula, a tennis shoe, and a goat? Tina admiralbatman@hotmail.com Pervert! - Jason - Build a functional, orbiting space station. You know, like the Russians did with Mir.  - Simian -

OzzyPedro Predicts "You may give birth to a ."

Is it normal to drink gasoline and eat nuts and wshers, then down them with a big helping of cheap anti-freeze or ask stupid questions?
michael coughlin
You remind me of a faithful old friend of mine- a 1985 nissan sentra. Wonderful little car until the fuzz stopped me for driving on the sidewalk in new york. I don't see what the big deal is, I mean I only hit ten people and ruined a mexican fruit stand. he told be to appear in court. When I asked why, he started flogging me with an olive loaf. I brought up beating charges on him and the entire police department, plus a restraining order on the entire police department. they now all must stay at least 300 feet away from me. I pretty much blew up the car for doing 100 on the fifth avenue sidewalk. ouch.
- Carnut -
You know... questions like this one really get to me.... I mean, this guy is obviously a genius because he came up with something completely confusing.... and even I am confused by it... so I think for the sake of saving face I will announce that the answer to his question is simply "no" and then walk away pretending to know what I was talking about....... *cough*
- Guido -
No, it is not. The normal thing to do after drinking petrol is to piss on a brush fire.
- John -
Michael, you have what bad doctors call "carnaiema". Even though you may be getting fatter and older and that you are producing more exhaust of your rear-end, that and the spare tire below your chest do not indicate that you are turning into a car! And it also does not mean that you are turning into a Japanese car salesman, so stop asking the stupid questions! An excellent way of curing "carnaiema" is to not burn your hamburgers when you cook them in the oven (which is what you SHOULD be eating!) so that they are not so rubber-like. You should also refrain from ordering any hamburgers from Harvey's.
- White Paul -
 

OK, so y'all quit answering my questions. Why? And what happens to the ones you don't answer?
Bailey boo_theghost@yahoo.com
The ones we don't answer get sent to "cleaning" where the questions are washed, dried, pressed, folded, checked for grammar and punctuation, trained on 7 habits for highly successful people and recycled for presentation to our regular viewers to answer.  The ones our viewers don't answer get sent to Microsoft's Technical support line.
- Jason -
The questions we don't answer get sent to our highly trained staff of snarling, wild gerbils who decide whether or not we allow out other groovy visitors to answer them or to line their cages with them. 
- Simian - 
 

So I was contemplating the universe again.... despite Jason's warnings not to.  And my mind tripped and fell right on top of a segment of a "Friends" episode that I saw a long time ago.  In this particular episode Joey made the point that there is no such thing as a selfless good deed.... in other words no matter what you do... you are always being selfish.   I tried to prove him wrong by thinking of past experiences but I just couldn't do it.... and I would hate to think that  such a concept is actually true.... but I can't prove it wrong.  I thought about something I did a few years ago.  In trying to do a favor for my neighborhood I designed and constructed a laser guided rocket who's only purpose was to demolish a certain german shepherd who's barking in the night was driving the whole 'hood crazy.  One night I set this small rocket in viewing range of the dog's kennel. I aimed the laser directly at his head (in hope of a clean kill) and fired.  The rocket streaked gracefully into the sky and traveled towards the target perfectly.  At that moment I could relax at last because I knew that good ol' Gestapo's (real dog's name with help) barking days were soon to end indefinitely.  I didn't feel good about what I was doing.  So I was being selfless at that moment.  I felt even worse about mixing my rocket warhead's potassium permanganate mix too strong... as a result instead of just rupturing Gestapo's skull I turned the entire part of my city east of Newton's hardware store into a giant crater.  I felt really bad about destroying all those houses.  So I felt terrible about the whole thing.... so this was a good deed... cause the neighborhood could sleep in peace.... and I felt terrible about it cause I had incinerated millions of innocent people.... but then when unexpected bounty money started coming in I started to feel good about what I had done... who cares what you do if you get a million greenbacks out of it.... so I guess there is no such thing as a selfless good deed.... damn I hate this contemplation.... Simian... please help me find a selfless good deed..... you must know some cause of all the clashes that you have had with your enemy doughboy groupies...... *Guido's head explodes from brain electricity overload*
Guido guidomuffin@hotmail.com
Just a suggestion Guido.  You might want to reduce your daily intake of Caffeine, nicotine, heroin, cocaine, and valium.
- Jason -
*head explodes from brain electricity overload*
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How cheap IS your web space?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Cheap!? Why White Paul, I don't think a monthly fee of 25 seashells, a roll of duct tape and some shiny beads is cheap! You must be thinking of someone else's cheap web site. 
- Simian - 
It's so cheap, they wont even let me finish this sentence by talking about how the
- Elvis Shortliver -