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I was just wondering if Simian ever figured out how to ask Question Man (the Answer Guy) her question.
Pablo pablo@crapco.com
You’re taunting me aren’t you Pablo? But it won’t work! You can’t get to William Shatner through me! He’s just too fast and wily.
- Simian - 
Somebody want to fill me in on just what the hell is going on here? 
- Jason - 
 

Are fishs smaller when theyre dead?
mcymnve mcymnve@krap.net
Yes. Their volume decreases while their density increases until they implode. 
- Jason - 
Yes. Fish, when dead, slowly revert to their natural state of being which is that of powdered Tang.
- Simian -
 

Have you fully explored the productivity gains to be had by combining Sudafed with a double latte? Note: This is not recommended if you are pregnant, have heart trouble, or suffer from a nervous disorder.
Big Ed emaier@maiermedia.com
Skip the double latte; mix Sudafed and Nyquil for REAL high performance. After a few of those I’ll probably have figured out a way to get Gilligan off that silly little island.
- Simian - 
Been there done that.  The problem is that the Sudafed makes you really drowsy, and the double latte makes you hyper, so you lie there alternately drifting off to sleep only to be awakened and ready to re-shingle the house every 15 minutes. It really is quite maddening. 
- Jason -

Why would one want a hot water heater? Perchance he wants his water xtra hot? 
Zona Allen zeeezeee@webtv.net
The early tepid water heaters just didn't sell very well. 
- Jason - 
All the better to scold bad midget children with. Ever taste human flesh?
- Simian -

Hello friends! It's Gor again. I just need to know, is the moon really made of cheese? If so, what kind of cheese? I would think it would be American cheese since us Americuns got there first. Also, if it were made out of cheese, and that one dude who landed on the moon, I forget his name, was lactose intolerant and died there, do you think his buddies would leave him there so they could bring back more cheese and aliens? I hear they stoled an alien from the moon so they could teach us to love again...
Gor the Space adventurer iamgor@aol.com
I'm being punished for something, aren't I? Do us a favor Gor and just don’t show us your moon, okay? Somewhere in this question I see a joke about Uranus....
- Simian -
No the moon isn't made of cheese, it's made up mostly of styrofoam. Our ancient ancestors perfected many technologies, and funded the arts much more than today. The moon was actually an art exhibit intended to represent our own solar system on a 1/4 scale. It was nearing completion when civilization destroyed itself with an advanced weapon the likes of which we've never seen before. The moon was supposed to be Uranus. 
- Jason -

I was walking down the street (with my MP-5, as usual) minding my own business, when some lady asked me to sign a petition. I instinctively shot her 27 times in the throat. I think I might have hurt her! I'm not sure if I should turn myself in or continue to hide. What's your advice?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sidewinder_71@hotmail.com
1) Purchase bolt action single fire rifle. 
2) Load bolt action single fire rifle. 
3) Point at chest. 
4) Pull trigger. 
5) Repeat steps 2-4 as necessary. 
- Jason - 
Why couldn’t you have shot Barney the Purple Dinosaur? Then you would have been hailed a hero. Alas, I think the only thing you can do now Fezzzzzz is hide in the Teletubbies bomb shelter and watch videos by the Olsen twins. 
- Simian -
 

You know those signs that say "We can make it to the fence in 3 seconds... can you?" and show a silhouette of a dog? Is there a regulatory committee that sits around timing dogs to calculate speed over certain distances in order to figure out whether they (the dogs, not the regulatory committee) can actually travel that yard's length in 3 seconds, or is it all just conjecture?
the parenthetikl propoganda collaborative parenthetikl@yahoo.com
Isn’t it wonderful to see your tax dollars at work? Qualified chimps are used to survey the amount of time it takes a trained attack dog to overcome an intruder and tear them into little itty bitty pieces. This costs you, the tax payer, $8 million dollars; even though the chimps work for free and the intruder leaves the experiment in several plastic baggies. 
- Simian - 
International Dog Industry Operations Timing Staff. IDIOTS for short. 
- Jason -
 

There seems to be a good amount of adults visiting this page. Well I'm not an adult, nor am I a parent. I feel left out. Should I go out and knock up some random girl, and have kids, so I can be with the "in crowd?"
Gor the Non-parental unit iamgor@aol.com
No, better to try my new cloning machine and make a little version of yourself. Knocking up random girls often leads to really nasty legal issues. 
- Jason - 
All of us here at this page implore you NOT to breed Gor. We think the ramifications of Gor-ish offspring could cause the world to collapse in on itself and kill every living thing on this planet. For decency’s sakes Gor, NO!
- Simian -