WITH

Jason X

A small almost imperceptible arc buzzed between Jason's antennae as he recounted his early days...
 
 

Deep Space and Xramulatz
Jason was “assembled” in a far corner of deep space near a nine planet solar system with a single sun and a small blue planet inhabited by life forms that behaved surprisingly like cattle when in large groups. He was the product of a combination cloning between a Panda, a bumblebee, and Michael J. Fox when his "parents" - having been sent on a 42 year mission to collect specimens for analysis from "Earth" - decided half-way into the mission that they needed a whipping boy to play pranks on since they both knew every conceivable way to give (and avoid) an auto-recoiling super space wedgie. Unable to have children of their own in deep space because they lacked a hyperbolic DNA grafting supercolloidal honkerscope, they decided to create a being from leftover Earth based samples they had been accumulating in the spent fuel closet. While technically not born on Xramulatz, and while technically not made up of any Xramulatzian DNA, Jason was eventually given Xramulatzian citizenship based on the simple fact that he had at one time been irradiated by fuel that had been used on a Xramulatzian space ship, even thought the fuel itself originated on a slave mining moon somewhere in another quadrant.
 
 

Childhood
Upon return to Xramulatz, Jason's parents raised him pretty much as their own child despite the fact that he didn't look a thing like them - or any other Xramulatzian for that matter. They loved to take him to public outings and proudly displayed him to the other children who would pull his antennae and poke his soft squishy belly until he subjected them to a mild 800,000 volt shock that frequently catapulted them across the landscape.
 
 

At the young age of 2 (keeping in mind that the Xramulatzian year is approximately 10 Earth years), Jason built his first time machine. Unfortunately, he tested it before he got the auto return feature working properly and sent it into the past where it was never seen again (at least in the present, some believe it may have been the cause of the Big Bang). He was deeply disappointed in himself later when he realized that had it been sent to the future, he eventually would have caught up with it and gotten it back. 
 
 

His short attention span caused by years of watching The Smurfs forced him to abandon the time machine and divert his attention to building a super fast transdimensional space ship with a black hole core gravity drive. The ship which Jason proudly called “The super maneuverable ultra-range fighter” SMURF was painted bright blue - another byproduct from the years of the Smurf series. SMURF unfortunately was left in “plasma drive” one day and idled its way out of the orbiting space dock and across the galaxy where it was never seen again. . .except by the unfortunate Chihuahuans of Droolus 9 when it slammed into their planet and took out 95% of the population. The remaining Chihuahans having no known enemies at the time were heard to remark “What the hell did we do wrong?!”.
 
 

The Academic Years
Jason attended the best elementary schools on Xramulatz.  His unusual appearance and natural scientific abilities made him a target of ridicule by his classmates who would tease him, pull his antennae, and poke his soft belly until once again, he would blast them across the playground with a mild 800,000 volt shock. (It seems Xramulatzian children were never fast learners). This never really bothered Jason who, after sending a playmate soaring across the seesaws, would simply shrug his shoulders and divert his attention back to his many books on beginner warp theory, interdimensional space travel, worm hole manipulation, or whatever topic happened to grab his interest at the time.
 
 

In high school, Jason pursued the same path of science and space travel, which consumed most of his free time. This was probably somewhat of an escape for Jason who had very few friends and only one girlfriend - also the product of a multiple species cloning between a slughog and a kudzubeast. The brief affair was doomed to be short lived since the damp nature of his hybrid girlfriend made close contact virtually impossible due to Jason's strong electrical charge and her high skin conductivity. They eventually parted ways on good, if not mildly burned and shocked terms. 
 
 

Jason eventually graduated from Prug-Sloth University with a major in warp engine design and a minor in decorative landscaping. He spent the next 14 years (140 Earth Years) working for the Xramulatzian division of General Warp Motors where he pioneered several innovative engine designs and burned the test lab down twice.
 
 

Introduction to Earth
After 14 years of career tedium, Jason decided to take some time off to devote to his hobby - building warp engines and landscaping his house. He spent an hour planting a shrub and two weeks finalizing construction of a dual V900 engine of his own design for use in a classic 2168 Fjiord Mustang (it's only a coincidence) cruiser. With coffee in hand - keeping in mind, coffee affects Jason like beer affects the rest of us - Jason climbed into the cruiser and bolted into the heavens for a nice leisurely cruise. Pushing his newly rebuilt cruiser to the limit, Jason tore into the nearby crab nebula where he soon realized he was going much to fast for the off ramp back to Xramulatz. Since he had an accumulated 16 weeks of paid vacation, Jason figured he'd just continue on to do some sightseeing and perhaps conquer a civilization or two before returning. That's when he found the place of his conception and birth - the planet known as EARTH!!
 
 

As Jason approached the planet's atmosphere, his overwhelming hunger got the best of him and nearly killed him in the process. Fumbling to open a bag of peanuts in the glove compartment, Jason inadvertently hit the choke button causing his engines to partially shut down which put his ship into a dangerous spin. He regained control just as the ship bounced off a television tower and slammed into reactor #4 at the Chernobyl generating facility in the Ukraine, causing a massive release of radiation that to this day is responsible for Jason's fluorescent green color, elevated body temperature and somewhat testy nature. Jason managed to restart his engines and fly away just as authorities arrived who to this day blame the Chernobyl accident on plant operator error. . .
 
 

The Gang
Unhurt, but with a damaged ship, and realizing that conquering the planet was now out of the question, Jason began to look for a safe haven for repairs. Fearing the authorities, Jason decided it best to fly his crippled ship to the next land mass and look for someone to help him. He eventually reached the east coast of what he would later learn was called The United States of America and began to look for a friendly face. Time after time, he would find individuals who seemed friendly enough, but who upon being tractor beamed into his ship would begin shrieking and kicking until being returned to Earth with their memories wiped. Finally, one day Jason spotted an individual walking slowly away from a large open area with strange, lighted spinning machines upon which people were riding, laughing and yelling. This individual looked somehow different from the others, with a giant head of gray hair, funny shoes, and a strange smirk. Jason tractor beamed the newfound acquaintance up to his craft where the individual stood for a moment, looked around, smiled and said “Hi!  I'm Elvis!  Would you like to touch my monkey?” 
 
 

As he said it, a small furry creature hopped around from behind him and began screeching “EEEEEK! EEEEK!” (I am not a monkey!  I am a Marmoset!!!). She then proceeded to the glove box where she grabbed the peanuts, tore the bag open, and began munching happily. Jason explained to his newfound friends that he needed parts to repair his ship. They agreed to help him by hiding the ship in the garage of a human named Bunbun until it could be repaired. Jason thanked them both, Elvis belched, the marmoset screeched and they flew the craft to Bunbun's house. Eventually the group convinced Jason to stay and help them with their web page, unbeknownst to any that Jason's planet wanted him back, but that's another story. . .
 
 
 

And I am Jon Tossled for A&E Biography.