Weekly humor based on questions submitted by strange folks like... well, like YOU. 

NEW! on Monday!

WITH

News Flash! We've just been informed that Jason, who has been with us for some time now, is actually on temporary unannounced leave from his home planet.  He originally came to Earth when he took the wrong exit in the crab nebula and figured rather than turn around, he'd do some sightseeing and possibly take over a civilization or two. Unfortunately his parents tracked him down and want him back. Actually, we believe his parents were glad to get rid of him, but the resident presiding moron on his home planet forced his parents to act like they really wanted him back. Fearing the loss of their funny looking little companion and his groovy spaceship, Elvis and Simian spent hours brainwashing Jason into thinking he was Zsa Zsa Gabor.  After realizing that served no useful purpose (much like Zsa Zsa herself) other than being entertaining (unlike Zsa Zsa), they got Jason drunk and convinced him to ask for political asylum.  Meanwhile, authorities on Jason's home planet became impatient when Jason was not returned and dispatched their elite fighting force "Xryblin Nzing" English Translation: "Killer Clowns from Outer Space " to take Jason back.  After hearing the authorities were on the way, Elvis sent Jason's parents a decoy consisting of a green bean bag with two 5 irons sticking out the top and two eyes drawn on with permanent marker in an effort to confuse the authorities and throw them off the trail.  Simian hid Jason under the furnace in the crawl space and sent Jason's parents a nice quiche, a lock of her fur and a thank you note.

THIS WEEK
NOTE: Effective immediately, We are Y2K Compliant. Again.
 

Here's a thought that will really bake your noodle. I was contemplating the universe yesterday, and I realized that a men's washroom is no different than a group of houses in some neighborhood. Now I know you are probably wondering what kind of drugs I am on.... but I am dead serious. Think about it... let me explain. When you are at the urinals, what do you think. You don't want one that makes it easy for your neighbor to see you, you don't want to see your neighbor's boys and you hope to god that your neighbor doesn't have a bigger dog than you. So then you leave and go home. When you get home you never want your neighbors to be able to see you in your house, you hate it when your neighbors boys are running around in the yard and making a ruckus and you would hate it so much if your neighbor's dog was bigger and more fearsome than yours. SO?? See what I mean. the similarities are there. Try not to think about it though... I think I blew some fuses on this one.... and now my hair looks like Elvis Shortliver's. Maybe I should start a band. Till next time..... this is Guido... signing off.... that was lame... catch ya all next week.... grrrrr..... narf.... #@*&... *snore*
Guido guidomuffin@hotmail.com
I blew some fuses too, but that was because I accidentally jammed a phillips screwdriver into my breaker panel.  My electric utility was not impressed, and I had to buy another screwdriver.  Try not to think too much about bathroom/life parallels.  You might become depressed.
- Jason -
I'm really sorry, but what is this stuff about my neighbor's dogs?? My neighbor doesn't have a dog, at least to my knowledge. Do you have some sort of inside information? And how the hell do you know where I live anyway - have you been spying on me again? Please leave me alone! Oh, it's just you, Guido. For a minute there I thought you were that damned  peeping Tom again. Ever since Roseanne left him he has been acting very, very odd.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

THIS IS  REAL PROBLEM. AT WORK, THE NEW MANAGER IS AH, HOW DO YOU SAY IN ENGLISH.... STINKY? WE ARE IN NEED OF GREAT HELP. RUNNING OUT OF DE PARFUM. WEATHER HERE NOT WARM ENOUGH TO OPEN WINDOWS... HELP!
SIBERIA GRRL
Okay, next to Stinky-Boy place these items; (1) a brick of Limburger cheese and extra runny Brie, (2) some dirty gym socks worn by sweaty midgets, and (3) a dead hamster soaked in yogurt that has been in the sun for about a week. If he doesn't get the hint, at least you'll no longer notice how bad HE smells in comparison to the other odors. 
- Simian - 
Have you considered killing him and burying him in the snow?
- Jason -
 

Why are there so many japinese car companays?
Lauren Luckystar911@aol.com
Maybe because the Japanese know how to spell. 
- Simian - 
 

Why is the person that answers questions in green so lame? You guys should fire her ass (which needs ass powder). The rest of you guys ROCK though. Keep up the good work.
Marklar bmaxwell@ibasis.net
HA HA! Get rid of a monkey? Are you crazy? Do you have any idea what a monkey is capable of? The last time we even SUGGESTED that the MONKEY should find another tree to nest in, she took Jason, flung him into her Sterno Fired Grill, then made ME carry it without any oven mitts to the jagged edges of the jungle, and THEN I had to pee on him to put the fire out! I still have the tse-tse fly bites to prove it. Hah! Fire the monkey.....
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Please inform us of the many alternative uses for hamburgers. Are hamburgers bulletproof?
JimHensonHatesMe
The Canadian Army used hamburgers from Harvey's as bullet proof vests during W.W.II. They would soak the hamburger in hot water, cool it on ice for about an hour and then voila! They had their bullet proof vests. Unfortunately they never worked because the soldiers would constantly mistake them for squirrel meat and consume them before they went into battle. There is only one other use for hamburgers known by the Canadians, hockey pucks.
- White Paul -
Hamburgers make excellent bowls for lighting the weed, also taste good on weed, and have an interesting used during sex. I prescribe aderal and prozac to ease the pain.
- Dr. Carnut -
I made a vest from hamburgers and wore it while threatening a policeman with a machete. The bullets bounced right off the burgers and killed some mimes across the road. The cops were trying to take the credit for killing the mimes, but it was clearly my jacket-o-burgers that deserves the credit. So hamburgers are not only bulletproof, they can also be useful in mime eradication under the right circumstances. Oh, by the way, you can use them for wheels on your tractor too.
- OzzyPedro -
 

Am I god? Thou art God. God Smites thee!!!!!! God say Acid Good! God Made pot to smoke, not to make illegal. Which God Now Says: IS GOD GOD OR IS GOD AN ILLUSION OF GOD? Please let god know because I want to start throwing lightening bolts at people.
Carnut
Oh look! They let Carnut out of rehab again! 
- Simian - 
Carnut! Will you stop making your sister play that silly resurrection game of yours & get back to cleaning your room! Cleanliness is NEXT TO Godliness! Got that? NEXT TO!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

My mom has this thing about electro-magnetic radiation.  For some strange reason she is very convinced that all of my exposure to electronic devices will eventually turn me into a glowing, sterile and fuzzed head kid.  She seems to think that the cavemen had it all figured out with their natural hunter-gatherer way of life.  Man.... what a tree hugger.  What are your thoughts on all this?  Are computers killing us?  For now.... I am just going to wait a week for your response.  In the meantime I think I will take a trip to the Andes, dress in bamboo leaves, screw a monkey (the controversy over this issue on this site has left me curious), catch a rabbit and take a dump off a cliff.  Life of a caveman.... HERE I COME.  Save yourselves.... turn off your monitor...... it might be killing the little soldiers.
Guido guidomuffin@hotmail.com
I think your mother should worry more about all of the estrogen mimicking chemicals floating around in our atmosphere, than what a few magnetic field flux lines are doing to her hiney.  I personally like the feeling of the intense magnetic fields when I degauss my monitor.  I also like the feeling of intense electric fields I experience just before I get struck by lightning.
- Jason -
 

What's with these bleep Foreigners? Farmer Dan widget@asspowder.com Là un Fermier peu hostile? Vous êtes juste dérangés parce que le garçon de Clown n'est pas venu à votre bureau et n'a pas sauvegardé son âne. Mais puis, il est tout au sujet de la pâte.  - Le Plus Petit Singe -

OzzyPedro Predicts "s will be very important in the future."

Should i be flattered that someone claims not to be me? This NOT FLAGG character says he is not me but how can you be sure?? It could be a plot by one of my other personalities......... no Flagg its not that....... your lying....... no i'm not!!! Help us
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Generally Flagg, if someone is adamant about NOT being confused with another person, that other person should probably feel slightly insulted, but we won't hold it against you Flagg.
- Jason -
IMPOSTOR! STOP PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE NOT!! INFIDEL!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I'm going to have my cheat notes for my next exam tattooed on the inside of my eyelids. Do you think this is the best exam cheat plan ever devised?
OzzyPedro
Do you have eyelids? Coz it will only work if you have eyelids. Oh and you need a stupid professor who thinks you're only sleeping periodically throughout the test. 
- Simian "Did I happen to mention that I'm not Austr-eye-lian?" The Marmoset - 
If you also have halogen lighting installed under your eyelids so you can read the text, and you can carry around the self contained power supply or an adequate length extension cord for said halogen lighting without drawing attention to yourself, then yes, it is a good cheat plan.
- Jason -
 

Which is better: Palm III or the HP Jornada 545 (pocket PC). Discuss citing specific examples. (500 words or less).
Kill Marmosat marmabastard@bendi.com
The better gadget is the one you can buy with your food stamps. Unless of course you need your food stamps to buy booze. I have a better solution for you; just pick up some AA batteries. You know where you can put them. 
- Simian - 
 

I've been noticing a change in me. I've been reading Ionesco's "Rhinoceros", and now I am changing. My skin is turning gray and becoming very dry and scaly.  Also I have this tremendous headache where this bump of some kind keeps growing larger and larger from my forehead.  Am I becoming a character in Ionesco's book, or am I just fat?
Tina admiralbatman@hotmail.com
I never could get through any of Ionesco's boring novels, Tina. However, I did just finish reading Iacocca's 1984 Dodge Ram Owner's Manual, and although you should pass emissions quite nicely, your real focus should be on your head gasket. Most of your engine is made out of aluminum, which could cause your head to crack. So how's that headache now?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

When the reactor core on my spacecraft is nearing critical mass and is in danger of flattening 42 square city blocks..... This statement made by jason leads me to a very interesting question a square is a 2 dimensional object and a block is a 3 dimensional object so how can you wipe out 2 dimensions of a 3 dimensional object when you consider 1 dimensional objects don't exist???
FLAGG (the one and only) OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
First, one dimensional objects DO exist - they're called points.  A line is 2- dimensional, a cube 3-dimensional, and a hypercube 4-dimensional.  Back home, we'd say that my reactor core was in danger of flattening 42 cubic hypercubes. . .  The remaining dimension in both cases is due to a remainder from quantum mechanical division.
- Jason -
 

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour to get OUT of the water?
Farmer Ned
Well we all know what happens to humans when they eat and then get in the water. Like suppose you eat a big juicy breakfast burrito and then go swimming. What happens? Well you take the graceful swan dive off the board, do a few laps, and then for some reason you suddenly feel sick.  You struggle to swim to the edge... too late... you just narfed your burrito (which now looks like a little squirrel that attempted to cross interstate 15) all over the inside of the pool.  Now the pool is even grosser than it was before.  The Band-Aids and diapers are no match for your floating pool of vomit.  Then you swear that you can hear the Greenpeace boats coming to rescue the ducks.  So in answer to your question, I am sure that this whole thing works the same for amphibians. Except in reverse.  So in other words stay away from ponds during frog feeding time or the little slime-balls might just come out of the water and puke their dragon-fly lunch all over your shoe.  Yummy.
- Guido -
I was watching a frog in a pond one day. He was catching a few bugs with his tongue. About 35 minutes later he got out of the pond. Two minutes after getting on dry land, he got cramp and started hopping around in circles. A bit later another from that looked like mother jumped out off the pond and croaked a lot at him. The mother frog was probably telling him off for getting out of the water too soon after eating. So the answer is definitely yes, unless the cramp was just a coincidence and the other frog was Kermit's sister. 
- OzzyPedro -
 

HEY!!! I TURN MY BACK FOR ONE SECOND!!  WHEN I TURN BACK AROUND **POOF** YOU ARE GONE!!!!  WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GO?????????
Funkywun... Flaggs Cute Sister silverymoonlight@hotmail.com
Funkywun! That's Carnut's stash that you're smoking! You really should just give it back before he zaps you with lightning and you have to spend the rest of your life shouting "WAARRAAABBBAH!!!" while wearing a bib. Stay away from him! 
- Elvis Shortliver -