WITH

Elvis Shortliver

FISH CAPERS
Those were the first words that Elvis Shortliver thought of when asked to describe his childhood. "I remember tons of fish capers. Is that normal?"
 

MINNESOTA
Elvis P. Shortliver was born in Baton Rouge, Minnesota on a dark winter morning in January. His father, a once singer in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, built their home on a steady program of pancakes & physical fitness videotapes. His Mother, an ex-descendent of royal monarchy, second cousin to the executed Czar's Anastasia Peterson, frequently ran through the timberbush along the Shortliver Campground stripping her clothes off & screaming for mercy. It is this solid foundation which shaped young Elvis for the years to come.
 

CHILDHOOD
As a child, Elvis' parents were extremely cautious for young Elvis; his older brother had been missing for 2 years & they were in fear for his safety. They tried to hide his hideous gray afro by dying his hair bright orange.  Elvis tended to fall over a lot. He was always top-heavy as a result of his thick head of hair, often to be seen ambling around mumbling to himself, or falling over and rolling down a hill into Mr. Lardlumps' rosebush. Eventually they bought Elvis a wig, but Elvis was repulsed by the uncomfort of the wig & would remove it. The constant shelter from the public caused Elvis to become withdrawn. Often he sat in his room alone writing poems. While researching his geneology about the origins of his hair led Elvis to discover the unthinkable: Elvis was a lovechild of his mother & Albert Einstein.
 

THE SCHOOL YEARS
When Elvis reached 14, things turned awful. Stuttering & struggling to hide his pimples, Elvis was often picked on by nearly all of the girls in his school. He was awkward, not quite a man & no longer a child, often finding solace in a game called Pac-Man. He imagined that someday he would get revenge on all of the people who poked fun at him by becoming Pac-Man & eating them all in a fast fury. Fortunately he could never figure out how to get the costume to fit.
 

OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
As a young man, Elvis held a variety of odd jobs, most of which revolved around the carnival. He was a midget, a barker, a pole dunker, a soda jerk, and a dingo tamer, but his real dream was to operate the ferris wheel. Often with no experience he would fill in for the operator during lunch breaks. Some of the other carnys were very angry about this, especially the clowns, who had Elvis arrested for assaulting the customers. While he was waiting for his bail to be posted, Elvis had his first visions of forming a club where clown haters could come & rid the world of clowns by eating them while wearing Pac-Man costumes.
 

MR. LARDLUMPS
One of the most controversial & dynamic relationships in Elvis Shortliver's life has to be his next door neighbor, Eunis Lardlumps. An old cranky man who hates toddlers, Elvis was often left in Lardlumps care when his parents went out for the evening. He would taunt poor Elvis, making up terrible names for him like "Crap Eater" and "Johnny Tinkleface" & force feed him stewed fish capers. He was not a very nice man. One time, Mr. Lardlumps threw sand at Elvis for singing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" outside of his window. 
 

THE REUNION
Elvis was a young adult when he came to understand Lardlumps inner turmoil, a turmoil Elvis knew all too well. Mr. Lardlumps had lost his younger brother, too. Further investigation showed that Mr. Lardlumps WAS his older brother, missing for 20 years. Apparently a younger Eunis had become addicted to cigarettes & was forbidden to smoke in his own home. He ran away to Gay Paris & formed a minstrel biker gang, which terrorized France during the Plus De La Plume Decoutant in the mid 1970's. Once broken, the circle had now been rejoined. 
 
 

BUNBUN
One day while Elvis was driving home from the Intercontinental House Of Pancakes, a little girl ran out in front of his car. Elvis slammed on his brakes, but it was no use. Elvis had killed a young child. This horrible dream had taunted him night after night. Did he really kill her, or was it just a nightmare? Confused, he went to dream therapy to seek help. It was there that he met Bunbun, a sweet young girl with black pony tails. Bunbun was tormented by nightmares as well, often consisting of giving birth to horse-human hybrids. Elvis & Bunbun would go for long walks & forget what time it was, then they would wander around until the police picked them up & brought them home crying. 
 

SIMIAN & OW!
Bunbun introduced him to her pet monkey, Simian. Elvis hated monkeys, but felt sorry for her. He would pet her & feed her bananas coated with chocolate, while Simian screetched "Eeek! Eeek! I am not a monkey! I am a marmoset!" They would frequently all vacation at their favorite theme park Onionhead World, which would forever change their lives. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

And I am Jon Tossled for A&E Biography.