Weekly humor based on questions submitted by strange folks like... well, like YOU. 

NEW! on Monday!

WITH

So I wake up Saturday morning to a loud explosion coming from the center of town, followed by the sounds of gunfire. We just moved to this town 3 months ago, to get away from the constant noise of our landlord, Supermario, to a much quieter place called "HERE." Needless to say I am freaked out by this - it was 5 AM! So I throw on my clothes & run downtown. That's when the horror hits me: standing right in front of me is a gigantic squadron of British soldiers! They have come to take the land away from us, AGAIN! I looked around & found a pointed stick, anything I could find to defend myself from them. I ran up to one of them, the big puffy one, and poked him in his stomach & shouted "Go Home!" Man was he pissed at that. I looked around & everyone was yelling at me to stop - then I saw them point their guns at me! I turn around & BLAM! They got me. It wasn't until much later on, well after having the buckshot removed from my butt at the hospital, that I found out it was only a reenactment! How was I supposed to know? The signs advertising it were too confusing, and very vague. Well, now I know how tough it must have been for the Minutemen to stand up for what they believe in. I bet they were just as surprised to find out it was only a reenactment too!

THIS WEEK
NOTE: We are NO LONGER Y2K Compliant

Is murder illegal in Canada?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sidewinder_71@hotmail.com
Well, let me put it this way-if you have an AcmeX Disentigrato-ray gun (which I conveniently have) that disintegrates all of the evidence, then no, murder is not technically illegal in canada.  It's also not illegal in Canada to ride a moose totally naked down main street singing "Oh Canada!" as long as you've consumed at least 8 Moosehead beers.  Well, at least they never prosecuted me for it, so I assume it's legal.
- Jason -
Few things are illegal in Canada - bowling with hamsters, eating chalk, not worshipping back bacon and moose fat sandwiches, Australians – but not murder. So the real question is; Why hasn't anyone taken out the shrieking harpy Celine Dion yet?
- Simian -
And why do you think Alanis Morissette & REO Speedwagon were allowed to sing professionally? Answer? No repercussions!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Do you have any live goldfish, mice, or small birds that you don't need anymore? My cat wants to know.
OzzyPedro
Sorry OzzyPedro, but no. I do however have all the members of N’Sync stuffed in a duffle bag. I'm sure that they're not incredibly tasty, but if cooked well, maybe kitty will find them at least slightly eatable.
- Simian -
 

Why do women go to the toilet in pairs?
Stanley Tetley stanleytetley@yahoo.com
Unbeknownst to most people, despite their calm and caring outward appearance, nearly all women exhibit a gang-like social behavior.  Thus, if two or more women in a gang come across a single woman, or women in a smaller gang, they are likely to beat her or the smaller group to a pulp.  Women go to the toilet in pairs because two is the minimum safe number should they encounter another gang of women while in the rest room.  In addition, two is a common rest room number because a larger gang would become cumbersome in light of the small area typical in most rest rooms.
- Jason -
 

Is it really true I have not been here in a couple of weeks... and if so where have I been?
Blonde Blonde@wwwjustin.com
Remember the last time you were here? and you asked us about.... the ummm... thing? Sorry, Blonde. We missed you alot - I think.
- Elvis Shortliver -
My guess is you've been on another planet.  Have you seen Uranus?  I hear it's lovely this time of year?
- Jason -
 

Now Bailey has gone and done it.... mentioning mimes now I have Shields and Yarnell following all over the place help me!!!!
FLAGG
Walk off a cliff and your problem will be solved.
- OzzyPedro -
DIE ALLIED SCHWEINEHUNDE!!! EINE MESSERSPITZE TURKISISCH HASHISH!!! EINE HALBETUSSEN STAUBZUCKER!!! UND KEINE EIER!!!
- John -
I am truly, very sorry, but what I would be scared of is the beef!
- Bailey -
 
 

Got Herb? Carnut Carnut15@usa.net Well lets see what I have here; some sugarless gum, pocket lint, a Poppin’ Fresh pancake ring (for perfect pancakes!), some AA batteries and an orange peel, but I don't have any spices here. You really should go to the supermarket for that stuff, Carnut. - Simian -

OzzyPedro Predicts "I will say the words , and you will not truly understand what I mean."

Why does this little button here say "help me".  I am not here to  get help... I wanted to ask a  question but it appears that you only take questions from which you can give advice to the asker.  Right... but then when the people take your advice and something goes really wrong... like suppose you suggest that pooring vinegar in ones bike crash wounds is helpful... can we sue you then?  Or would you like to stay away from the legal system and prefer to be beaten 1000 times with a limp and soggy pool noodle.  Whatever.  I may as well ask my question, and I need an answer soo cause this thing is due in a few days.  Supposing you have a large cake.  And you eat half of the cake..... devise a formula to calculate the rate at which the size of your gut will increase as you eat... then divide this by the amount of time it take the cake to make you sick and the result will be the "nasea and nubbins" formula result.... I can't get it... so any help would be appreciated.  THANKS
Guido guidomuffin@hotmail.com
By a miraculous coincidence, the equation you're looking for was also used by Einstein as part of his Theory of Relativity:  E=MC^2.  In your case, C is your gut size, M is the inverse of the amount of time it takes the cake to make you sick, and E=Nausea and Nubbins.
- Jason -
Sorry, I lost you way back with the "pouring vinegar on the bike crash wounds" part. By the way, do you know that it stings? Alot.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

When is the best time to call for help??
cHeEeEtAh ch1935@aol.com
Well, it should be before the rouge mime pummels you with a German sausage. Or before the roving band of angry dwarves with sharp sticks start pelting you with refrigerator magnets and gum. But never before your mom makes you finish all your spinach, since she'll only make you stand in the corner. Does that help?
- Simian -
I usually prefer to call for help under the following conditions:

1. When someone has beaten the snot out of me and I can't feel my extremities.
2. When I've inadvertently amputated a limb.
3. When the reactor core on my spacecraft is nearing critical mass and is in danger of flattening 42 square city blocks.
4. When I accidentally drink caustic drain cleaner instead of the opened beer sitting next to the open caustic drain cleaner bottle.

Do you think the ICP are mimes?
JuggaloJRV juggalojrv@hotmail.com
Hey you forgot the "U" - it's I.C.U.P. - get it? I See You Pee! Haw Haw Haw! That one still pickles my ice cream. Hey, did you know that if your face is bigger than the palm of your hand, it means you have cancer? Really! *BONK* Haw Haw Haw! I kill me...
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Am I weird If I like to sleep with monkeys?
Bailey
You're weird anyway.
- OzzyPedro -
Yes.  But not if you sleep with lion-tailed macaques.  However, if you start sleeping with Jen, then you're REALLY weird, mmkay?
- John -
No, your wierd if you like to sleep with the "Old Fat Elvis".
- Blonde -
Define monkey. If you are referring to the small hairy animal which is a member of the primate family then sleeping with monkeys is sick and wrong.  But if you are refering to an incredibly hot female who is ready to make mad passionate love to you like the weasels on your from lawn...then monkey sex is OK.
- Guido -
You are only wierd if you like to sleep with apes, not just plain monkeys. Apes are hiddeous animals that walk around like rap gangsta's, more specifically like the ones you can find while watching a Wu-Tang video. Sleeping with monkey's is perfectly fine, as they are cute and cuddly and are just like women only with more hair. So go ahead and sleep with a monkey but avoid the apes, they're smelly and will more often than not mistake your genitalia for a banana and chest nuts.
- White Paul (a spinoff of the rapper, Black Rob) -
 

Where can I purchase cheap Ass Powder online?
Marklar bmaxwell@ibasis.net
Have you tried http://www.cheaphinderpowder.com? Or http://www.mymomhatesme.com? But maybe all you need to do is invest in some 
clean underwear.
- Simian -
 

Could somebody please dispel the rumors that I am Flagg? I'm going nuts over here answering this phone! Stop Calling Me! I'm Not HIM!!!
NOT FLAGG!!!!! jflagg@aol.com
OK folks, NOT FLAGG is not flag which means Flagg is really not NOT FLAGG.  This means technically that NOT FLAGG is really not not NOT FLAGG.  See?
- Jason -
 

Why is it when we're driving looking for an address, we turn the radio down?
Farmer Ned
Because silly, if they hear us coming, they will just keep moving the house & We will NEVER find it. This theory comes from the Japanese. First they tried to bomb Arkansas, but they had their radios blasting & we knew they were coming, so we turned off all the lights & quietly moved Arkansas into Wyoming. When they got there, they couldn't find it, so they kept flying around in circles looking for it. Eventually they gave up & went home, but on the way they started getting low on fuel & tried to land in Hawaii. Hee Hee, we sure fooled them! Suckers!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Radio waves carry subliminal messages from Satan, a.k.a. Bill Gates. This numbs your brain like butter in the aorta. Thus we start acting like Regis Philbin on cough syrup – and this is not good. Beware corporate radio!
- Simian -
 

Hope you enjoy this?
Kim, Steve,Danny, Briansdbkab21989@aol.com
Don't expect to wake up tomorrow.
- Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz -
A question mark does not turn a statement into a question. I think you should all go back to the 1st grade and start again. Don't spend so much time looking out the window this time.
- OzzyPedro -
Only if it is a pound of mary jane. I dance with her last night. it was memorable, i'm sure.
- Carnut -
 

Are you guys really professionals?
lucky
Well, if you are speaking very very loosely, Yes. And if you are defining loosely not so much as "kinda" but more like "needs to be tightened." Hey, I used to be a professional shopping cart collector at the local grocery shoppe. Maybe next week I can give advice on that?
- Elvis Shortliver -