Weekly humor based on questions submitted by strange folks like... well, like YOU. 

NEW! on Monday!

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THIS WEEK
NOTE: We are NO LONGER Y2K Compliant
 

Why is the big one called Bitey?
Little Foo Foo Bunny
Uh, maybe because he actually bites? Please stop smoking the crack pipe, Little Foo Foo Bunny. 
- Simian - 
NO NO NO - the LITTLE one is called Bitey, as in "Poor old Bitey, he bit the big one..."
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I think I'm being sexually harassed by my Ouija board.  Am I asking the wrong questions?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sidewinder_71@hotmail.com
Probably.  Just a handy note folks, never ask the deceased what they're wearing, they've got a sick sense of humor.
- Jason -
Maybe you should stop asking the spirit world if they all think your sexy. And stop asking the ghost of Bea Arthur out on a date. As far as I know, she isn't dead yet. 
- Simian - 
 

OK now I am confused.....  where IS the beef? Did the mime go too? Is the mime in prison for eating the beef? Was the beef cooked? Did the mime die of food poisoning? Is the mime in heaven or heck?? Did he die of pain from the voices of the Screaming Kellers? ANSWER ME!!
Bailey bubbl2000@webtv.net
Although there have only been 3 confirmed deaths as a result of listening to the Burning Kells (care to try for 4?) none of them were mimes. Our mime was an impostor. He never really was french & mostly he just sat around our house & smoked Camel cigarettes & watched The Price Is Right & MTV. We suspect the mime has become either the makeup man for Bob Barker or a roadie for the Insane Clown Posse.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 
 

Do you know my name? I don't know!! i@forgot.com Possible names for our anonymous visitor;  (1)  Huckleberry  (2)  Slurpee  (3)  Lugnuts  (4)  Ginger  (5)  Doodiehead  (6)  Flagg  - Simian -  Ummmm, is it Beelzebub? - Jason -

OzzyPedro Predicts "I will stop giving predictions."

I kissed my best friends guy and did stuff with my other best friends crush even though she already has a boyfriend and now the guy who did like me doesn't and is going after this other girl!! Geese what should I do??? Everyone is mad at me!!!
MESSEDUP toshc900@yahoo.com
Ooh I can help you! I saw this one on Jerry Springer! This chick brought out her boyfriend, then had her cousin come out all dressed up in drag, and ..... oh yeah, then they.... hmmm, on second thought, maybe you should try psychotherapy or a good book on cake decorating. After all, I've never heard of a love triangle based on cake decorating!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is it wrong to publicly flog myself for the sake of two lousy peanuts? This just isn't fair.
CarNut Carnut15@usa.net
Senseless violence is just plain messy, Carnut. If you really want to punish yourself just dress up as a Bavarian school girl, staple a dead gerbil on your head and run for a seat on the Senate. That'll learn ya. 
- Simian - 
 

Why are college lecturers so boring? And why are they all on Prozac?
Stanley Tetley stanleytetley@yahoo.com
You are now ready for a placid occupation doing mundane unremarkable redundant desk job analysis for a major company, similar to a monkey being trained to "push the button for food" - Congratulations!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If it's all about the "he said - she said" bullcrap, then what happened to all of the he-she people?
Bailey bubbl2000@webtv.net
They all moved to Hollywood and Las Vegas.
- Jason -
 

Mirror mirror, on the wall, Who is the best CEO of all?
Steve stevecase@aol.com
Oh that would be the cute spokes-dog/CEO, Thing for Pets.com. I hear he got a gazillion dollars after he opened a can of whoop-ass on Taco Bell's stinky Chihuahua dog. Yeah, where's your bean burrito now........ 
- Simian - 
 

What do you know about the rubber chicken conspiracy of 1728?
Jeanie Soogeena@aol.com
Ahh, the rubber chicken conspiracy.  Well, in 1727 before labor became unionized (before they became too powerful and got greedy, lazy and corrupt and associated themselves with the organized crime), a small group of workers at a local farm implement factory that made the little screws that held pitchfork tops on the wooden handles got together to teach their evil slave driving boss a lesson.  See, he was making them hand chisel the grooves in the screws even though a new device had been invented that could do it automatically.  Well, they all bought a bunch of rubber chickens and placed them strategically in the clothing and office of their boss before the district supervisor came for a visit.  Upon his arrival, the supervisor began finding rubber chickens stashed all over the factory.  Fearing that his employees were engaging in bestiality, he fired everyone and closed the factory, and allegedly kept the rubber chickens for himself.  The true end to the rubber chickens may never be known.
- Jason -
It was just an urban legend. See The Rubber Chicken Conspiracy Of 1728.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I bought a little blue crayon today. Yup yup. My mom took it away because I writed on the wall. WHY DO I GET PUNISHED FOR WRITING ON OUR WALL BUT NOT ON SPANKY'S?? 
Bailey bubbl2000@webtv.net
Because your mom's really an alien. And when you go to school, she sheds her human skin and eats dryer lint. Oh and did I mention that you where adopted? 
- Simian - 
 

Ok... this is the last time I am going to tell you... NO Elvis I will not go out with you... I am a ghost and you are a.... a..... a.... a little bald freak with an afro puff wig!! ITS TRUE!!!! I changed my mind..... ELVIS will you marry me? If my name was Bob would you still call me Boo? If tomorrow never came would you know how much I love you? If tomorrow did come could I slap your face with a salmon?
Boo The ghost Boo_theghost@yahoo.com
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. Oh... and NO.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why do they call me Flabber McFlabberpants if I am skinny? I weigh 90 pounds.... I am 5'6" too!
Flabby McFlabberpants fmcflabberpants@flabbber.com
Could it be because of the "Wide Load" sign across your butt?
- Jason -
 

Nevermind... My foot was covering the other 0 on the scale... I am 900 pounds. ummmmm..... how do I get out of here?
Flabby McFlabberpants fmcflabberpants@flabbber.com
See?
- Jason -
 

If only God knows why, then why am I being made fun of?
Flabby McFlabberpants fmcflabberpants@flabbber.com
Uh-oh - now you did it! Here come the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse! Great!
- Elvis Shortliver -