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I'm Looking Over A Four-Leaf Clover

I'm looking over a four leaf clover
That I over-looked before.
Don't step upon it, or you will be cursed,
And then you'll be unhappy,
And I will disown you.
You think I'm crazy for being supersticious,
but four-leaf clovers can be very very evil.
Yes four leaf clovers can be bad.
 
 
 
 
 

My Wild Irish Tea

My Wild Irish Tea,
It's not made from rosehips.
You may think that it is, 
but it's not.

My Wild Irish Tea,
is made from Malt Liquor,
and leftover Guinness 
And Pineapple Shnapps.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

It's The Same Old Shillelagh

Sure IT's THE SAME OLD SHILLELAGH
But it was MY Shillelagh,
And they took it away from me the nite I got it.
As I walked with it in my hand,
it was Paddy's Day & I was mad,
so I twirled it around his mitt
And twisted it off the arm of the law. 

Sure with THE SAME OLD SHILLELAGH,
My Father could lick a dozen men.
But I am not a drinker like that,
And only half as Irish as He.
And many's the time He used it on me,
and now I barely can stand.
THE SAME OLD SHILLELAGH
My Father used to kill a man.
 
 
 
 
 

MacNamara's Band

Oh!  Me name is MacNamara, 
I'm the leader of the band.
Although we're kinda sloppy 
we're the finest in the land.
We play at wakes and weddings 
(mostly wakes, but we like weddings)
And we like to play at funerals 
and to the lepers in Sullivan Hall.

Oh!  The pots go bang to the drunken Honiker slang;
And the horns they blaze away; 
And McCarthy pumps out the bathroom while the pipes continue to leak;
And Hennessey Tennessee tootles his flute, 
And the music is nothing a sane person likes;

My name is Uncle Yulius and from Sweden I have come,
To play with MacNamara's band and beat the big bass drum,
But they think I am a Scotsman, not a drop of the blood is in me,
'Cept the blood of a Brit with an accent who I robbed on the way today.

Oh!  I wear a bunch of shamrocks and a uniform of green,
I'm the funniest looking Swede that you have ever seen.
There's O'Briens & Ryans & Sheehans & Meehans
And Sullivans & O'Sullivans & McSullivans & MacSullivans,
And I'd kick every single one of em to be in MacNamara's band.
 

Once upon a time in County Killemcalhoony, a young Irish lad by the name of Shaky McOoogle was trying to get the attentions of the lovely Irish lass, Shinfeed O’Meachingback. A strapping lass was she, all 6 feet, 5 inches of her, with all her original teeth and the use of all her limbs. But alas, she did pay no attention to young Shaky. Maybe it was because Shaky’s mother was a goat. Or maybe it was because Shaky had fleas, poor lad. Either way, Shinfeed would have nothing to do with the poor, wee Shaky. Then one day a desperate Shaky decided it was time to end it all. So he went down to the fields, intent on stuffing himself with so many raw potatoes that his stomach would explode and end his sorry existence. 

But when he reached the fields, he found he wasn’t alone. He had come across some magical fairies down in the dell who laughed at his misery. "Look at ye, ya miserable thing," they said to him.  "We’ve seen better things that live under the rocks!" They laughed at him. They taunted him. He started to despise these magical sprites. Just then Shaky realized the perfect way to win Shinfeed’s heart. "Look," he said to the fairies, "I’ll leave yer meadow and nary return, but only on one condition. Ye grant me a wish." Now the fairies were rolling in hysterics. "A wish! A wish he says! What do we look like? Genies? Ye are not only ugly but yer half-witted too!" 

With that, Shaky came to the conclusion that he hated fairies. So he pelted the sprites with rotten potatoes, killing them all. He didn’t stop until all the creatures were small pulpy puddles seeping into the grass. Then he scooped up the bloody mess into his dirty hat and ran all the way to Shinfeed’s house. "Look!" he told her excitedly, holding up the oozing mass of gory flesh in his cap, "I killed them for ye! I killed the sprites for ye, m’ love!"  Shinfeed nodded slowly as not to alarm Shaky. Then, being the town’s sheriff, slapped handcuffs on Shaky. "A serial killer, are ye?" she asked as she led Shaky away, "And a killer o’ fairies, ‘ay? Dinna your mother ever tell ye that there is no such thing?" "But, " said Shaky, "my mother’s a goat."  After a quick trial, Shaky was sentenced to 35 years in a psychiatric hospital. And he never spoke of fairies again. The end. 
 
 
 
 

Once upon a time there was a festering leprechaun by the name of Stinky. No one liked Stinky, not even the leprechaun Queen, who took all of Stinky’s gold. In order to get it back, Stinky had to play practical jokes on unsuspecting people for one whole year. This would involve being agile and nimble, two things that Stinky, at 3’2", 400 lbs wasn’t. But he was relatively fast for a grossly overweight leprechaun. Still, Stinky decide to invested in a can of pepper spray. He went about engaging practical jokes which would enable him to get his gold back. 

The first prank he pulled was on two young girls playing hopscotch. "He he you can’t catch me. I’m the quickest thing you’ll ever see!" he shouted at them when they saw him. "Why would we want to catch you?" asked one of the girls, and with that Stinky showered pepper spray on them both. He ran away laughing. 

The next encounter he had was with a drunken man stumbling out of a pub. The man saw him and, delighted at seeing a real leprechaun, said loudly, "Hey will ye look at that! A wee person. Canna buy you a drink, lad?" Stinky laughed and said, "He he you can’t catch me. I’m the quickest thing you’ll ever see!" "Ye are a lil too fat ta be vary quick, now ain’t cha, me boy?" the man asked. Just then Stinky pelted him with pepper spray and waddled down the street. 

This went on for two days, until the town began to grow weary of this troublesome leprechaun. They decided it was time to form a posse and hunt the bugger down. They found him at the local retirement home taunting old folks and pepper spraying the staff. "He he you can’t catch me. I’m the quickest thing you’ll ever see!" With that, the town’s folk rushed Stinky and began to chase the fat little bugger down the street. Stinky notice that the town’s folks were gaining on him, as he puffed away down the street. He thought his leprechaun heart was going to explode, but he keep running and laughing and chanting, "He he you can’t catch me. I’m the quickest thing you’ll ever see!" Well, fast or not, poor Stinky wasn’t faster than the 18 wheeler that ran him down. By the time the town’s folk caught up with him there was nothing left but a crushed can of pepper spray. 

The moral of the story; Stinky was a bad leprechaun.