Assumption:  Knowledge is power
Truth: Knowledge requires having to explain everything repeatedly to those who know less than you do and are too lazy to figure it out for themselves.
Corollary:  Ignorance is bliss
Translation:  Ignorance means not having to explain everything repeatedly to those who know less than you do and are too lazy to figure it out for themselves, because odds are, now you know less than they do.

Assumption:  Patience is a virtue
Truth:   If you're willing to patiently wait on one idiot, another will follow, and you'll still be left waiting.  Better to beat the stuffing out of him so other idiots witnessing the beating will stay the hell out of your way.

Assumption: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Truth:  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you're sure they'll reciprocate.  Otherwise, they'll do whatever they want anyway, and you'll simply be screwed out of doing what you wanted to do in the first place.

Assumption:  A rolling stone gathers no moss.
Truth:  Stones don't actually gather moss anyway, it accumulates on them.  Besides, rolling stones kill dozens of people every year and just contribute to the entropy of the universe.

Assumption:  Eagles soar in the clouds.
Truth:  Weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Assumption:  Every cloud has a silver lining.
Truth:  That lining is usually the result of silver iodine dropped to promote rain during droughts.  A non-rain bearing cloud during a drought laced with poison can't be all that great now can it.

Assumption:  There's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Truth:  It's the headlamp of an oncoming train.

Assumption:  Eat one live frog every morning and nothing worse will happen to you all day.
Truth:  Unless the frog was a carrier of the Ebola virus.

Assumption:  The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
Truth:  The farmer on the other side of the fence has used large quantities of fertilizer that will pollute your watershed.  Might as well eat the good stuff while you still have the strength to get over the fence, you're doomed either way.

Assumption:  Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
Truth:  Don't handle the eggs until they've been sanitized either, you might get salmonella poisoning.  In fact, just avoid embryonic poultry products altogether.  Your cholesterol levels will stay lower.

Assumption:  People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
Truth:  While glass houses offer great vantage points for witnessing the event, stones seldom hit the neighbor's dog that always craps in your yard.  Use a high powered rifle with a scope and a silencer so they'll never know who did it.

Assumption:  Don't talk to strangers.
Truth:  Since policemen are technically strangers, it is sometimes best to observe your right to remain silent.  Especially if they've just extracted a 40 pound bag of cocaine from your left rear fender well, and their drug dog is zeroing in on the weapons stash and dead body in your trunk.

Assumption:  A penny saved is a penny earned.
Truth: An earned penny really isn't worth anything in today's economy unless you're saving a penny on each of several million products manufactured by a gigantic global conglomerate.

Assumption:  There's a sucker born every minute.
Truth:  Based on the innate stupidity present in America, there's an idiot born several times a second.  Nearly all suckers are idiots though not all idiots are suckers.
 

Elvis have you ever considered changing your afro into something like an afro mohawk?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
A mowhok, eh? Well, that would be useful if I really wanted to become a musician, get beat up by strangers, or form a coalition to jump the White House fence & overthrow the government. ALL of us wouldn't mind living back there again! Simian found the liquor cabinet within 10 minutes while I held the press back by pretending I was George Washington's ghost, and Jason was very fond of the room off of the Oval Office... but WHY would I want to do that, when I can torment people as a dead president with a perfectly good pair of Wacky Teeth??
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How many hours of Pokemon can you watch before you have the urge to shoot yourself in the head?
Whinny Hopalong
Pokemon! Now a new ride at the Japanese War Atrocity Theme Park! Bring the kids!
- Simian -
 

I am really upset. My boyfriend just dumped me for his my best friend's (a girl also) BOYFRIEND. So now me and my BFF are dating, and she is REALLY into me, but I don't like her. What should I do?
Cutie Punkin ali@billybob.com
Send pictures. . . See address below.
- Jason -
 

Simian, you can't marry any of these men because you and I have an agreement to not divorce each other. Besides, you can't deny the monkey-troll lovin'.
Bad Andy
I'm going to have nightmares for weeks over this question. The only response to this is pure, unbridled loathing. Sorry Bad Andy, you're a vile, parasite-ridden hand puppet while I'm an adorable, profoundly medicated, little monkey. No matter HOW drunk I get I've never been and never will be, married to your fetid, Cinna-Stick loving carcass.
- Simian -
 

Today I saw my new neighbors moving in and I couldn't believe it. Not a single piece of milk crate furniture or cinderblock shelving ... They got real stuff and they wear hats too!!! My question is. Would it be imposing if I asked if I could live with them?
Frankie Bones
Here's what you do: Hide in the refrigerator and when your new neighbors go and get some milk - jump out and yell, "Surprise! It's me Gumbo Snot, the son you gave up for medical research!" If they don't faint right away, then make yourself comfortable on their fashionable new couch, eat all the dry cat food and ask if you can covet their hats. Hey, this Trojan Horse thing worked for Napoleon, didn't it?
- Simian -
Nope, it wouldn't be imposing, but it looks like FLAGG beat you to it.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What is it that makes duct tape so wonderful?
Guido http://www.looneyland.net
It's shiny, silver and wicked sticky! Not only that, but what do you think the Russians built space station Mir out of? No wonder it was in space for so long!
- Simian -
Piece by piece Elvis tried to come up with a single reason. After a few minutes he successfully taped all of his fingers together and began using his mouth to rip the tape off, and once he taped that shut he began using his body to try to tear off a piece of tape. After he finished taping his torso firmly, I quickly went thru his pants pockets, took his money (all coins), raided his refrigerator for a snack, took his Anubial Jewels hidden in his sock drawer, and finally carefully stole his porcelain figurine collection before I typed this message. What a loser! See ya, SUCKER!
- Rob, The Robber Who Robbed Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why do I see sparks when I cough with my eyes closed?
Lucy
Is that smoke I smell or is it natural gas?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why do men have nipples?
Lucy
Have you ever noticed those little plastic tabs that are left over from toys that were molded in a frame and then pulled out?  Same principle.  Men are produced on assembly lines, and their nipples were what held them to the frame when they were molded.  Actually there's a third part involved, but we won't go there.
- Jason -
 

Why is it everytime I try to go to a site required for school, I can't get there, but I can easily get through to the porn sites?  Is it a force a lot like gravity or just a government conspiracy?
Athena
You know, everybody freaked when Tipper Gore addressed this simple issue of Freedom Of Speech many many years ago. And everyone called her Idiot - remember? Good! Well, look who's laughing now! HA! HA HA HAHAHA HAHA HA HA!!! Heh-Heh.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Gah, how old ARE you people?
Tameekah Lahsheekah
Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce you to the world's least successful cross-dresser!
- Simian -
I'm THIS many.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

OKAY it seems my questions somehow get lost from the time i click "PUSH ME TO SEND QUESTION" to the time it enters your email box .... if it even gets that far ... so i need a snail mail address so that my necessary often pertinent questions can be answered ..... i mean c'mon we readers have probably lost valuable time and advice because these quations have not been addressed ..... maybe it's a government conspiracy .... or maybe jason knows something about his aliens friends that i don't .... anyway just put up a snail mail address ..... no elvis that is not mail for snails .... snail mail is postage mail that is delivered by a crazy, schizophrenic, disgruntled, and usually angry postal worker .... its called snail mail because it takes more time to get then e-mail .... so will you do it so that this site can be as efficient as possible?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Sure thing FLAGG! You can send us you're methodically wacky and vitamin packed questions to:  The Famous and Most Spectacular Wacky Advice People Whom I Love Above All Else/ C/O Captain Happy's Den of Depravity and Glass Emporium/ Deep 13, SOL/ The Trailer Park, USA And don't forget - we only answer the letters that have money in them.
- Simian -
 

excuse me but I believe you still have some gender crosses going on.  See everytime I come to this sight I'm being referred to as a male and I just don't have the equipment if you know what I mean so could you please not refer to me in the masculine tense.  Oh yeah about me being related to this car guy.  I might ramble on but I don't make my friends the white coated guys come pick me up for it.  This car guy obviously has one hell of a problem.  And another thing I did not spell ##@%^^ wrong I spelled it as any good speller should spell such a word.  So about the question this week.  All I want is to be known as a member of the female sex again I don't want to be male can you do that for me?  Ill put in a good word for you with satan.  She and I are tight.  Ill save you a good spot if you are nice to me.  You don't have to be anywhere near me in hell if that will make you happy.  Oh yeah just as a reminder I DON'T HAVE THE EQUIPMENT TO BE MALE. okay guys see you later.
oh look theres an airplane
Hey look! It's another rambling, monotonous, neurotic confession of obsessive/manic self-loathing by one of our more unstable visitors. Do I even know what this poor creature is talking about? Hells no! I was too busy watching the Gilligan's Island 36 Hour Marathon to bother reading this pseudo-question. Boy, Skipper sure is sassy!
- Simian -
 

Romanticism or animal lust?
Guido http://www.looneyland.net
I dunno, I like pork rinds, but that whole Deliverance imagery frightens me.
- Jason -
 

Can you get a permit to drive illegally?
Guido http://www.looneyland.net
I'm told you can in Mexico.
- Jason -
 

How do you make math fun?
Lucy
Just do what most kids do, pretend that the numbers are bodies that you popped a cap in. Just let us know if you're actually planning to do it so we can play hookey that day, ok?
- Elvis Shortliver -
Use it to design things that can blow stuff up.
- Jason -
 

Can you put me on the frenz page? I really think I deserve it.
Mr. Bob
You know, nothing says, "I'm really deserving" then conquering a few minor countries in Eastern Europe and enslaving the populous so that they can mow your lawn and buy you discount groceries at B.J.'s. Or was that, "I'm really deranged"?
- Simian -
 

An alien, a monkey and a guy with an afro walk into a bar... oh wait, maybe you've heard it.
Wild Bill http://members.fortunecity.com/wldbill/sporttapes.html
Yeah, I know, I know the monkey gets tangled in the afro, and the alien freaks out because of the incessant marmoset screeches, overheats and sets fire to the bar killing everyone inside.  Very funny.
- Jason -
 

Why did Jimmy fall off the pole? Was it because he was balancing a giant brick on his head?
Joe Kner joe_kner@hotmail.com
No, I think it was because Billy shot him with a fully automatic M60.
- Jason -
 

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we .................etc.
OzzyPedro www.give-me-money.com
This was intercepted by US Naval aircraft carriers touring the Persian Gulf last week. It came from an oversized canoe reported to be carrying eight oarsmen & a terrorist dressed up as a dingo as they were attempting to sail from Australia to America.
- Elvis Shortliver -