ERROR: Random File Unopenable

How would you suggest I handle a very stubborn 9 year old female?
Blonde blonde@wwwjustin.com
The words "Cattle Prod" and "Louisville Slugger" come to mind for some strange reason.
- Jason -
Uh, sell her to some garden gnomes for a few pounds of pork rinds? Make her repeatedly listen to Yanni records? Shock treatments? Yeah, that’ll work! Hey, they sure straightened me right up. 
- Simian - 
 

No one has time for a loser like me. I try to get people's attention. Am I doing something wrong?
Lolla-pa-loser NIN4ME@aol.com
Hey Jason, do you hear something? 
- Simian - 
Huh?  What were you saying?  Sorry, I don't have time to talk right now. . .
- Jason -
 

Are you guys related to Putrid? Are you related to each other?
Curious
Elvis is a human hedgehog hybrid and he won't tell us where he's from, Simian is from somewhere in South America, and I'm from Xramulatz in another galaxy.  While I suppose it's conceivable that Elvis and Simian are distantly related through some branch in monkey/human evolution, it is highly unlikely that I'm related to either of them.  My parents tell me that ET was a third cousin by marriage though.
- Jason -
No I am not akin to Putrid. And I happen think that Putrid is really a rampaging garden gnome with a bad gambling problem. But that’s just this little monkey’s opinion. 
- Simian - 
 

Why is it when you're in a hurry you get behind little old ladies that drive like 15 miles an hour with one foot on the brake? And why do they all have blue hair? Is it some sort of conspiracy?
Jennifer robertjennifer75@cs.com
All those old cough drops drive with one foot on the brake. Its because the other foot is in the grave. That sounds terrible doesn’t it? Well consider this; you know that blue hair? Only the undead have blue hair. See? 
- Simian - 
I've often wondered that myself.  Did you ever see "The Truman Show"?  I think that's what's going on.  Those little old ladies are acting as buffers so the cast members can get scenes set up before you arrive.  That way you'll never realize your world isn't real.  The reason they all seem to have blue hair is because there are in fact only 3 little old ladies who buffer you repeatedly.  You can always do what I do:  Just slam your car into theirs repeatedly until you run them off the road.
- Jason - 
 

How can chicks grow beards? You told me to grow a beard and i tried really really hard. Help me again.
Aughhhh....it.....is....so>....horrible (again) bubbl2000@webtv.net
Chicks growing beards depends on the location of the chicks... see when I lived in California I rarely saw any chicks with beards... now that I live in Kentucky I rarely see any chicks without beards so if your a chick and really want a beard move to Kentucky... it's either something in the water or something missing from the water I'm not sure which.
- FLAGG -
You cut off the crust on your bread, don't you? Didn't your parents know better to teach you that eating your crust puts hair on your chest and face!?
- Awecksus -
You need use a special lotion made in the Arabian Gulf (and it's very popular in southern europe too). It's called "Oil of Oman" and it's ingredients include bat guano, Venezuelan beaver cheese, the regurgitated cud from the rare wily, speckle-throated, three toed sloth, vegemite, and some other crap that is yet to be identified. It comes as rub-on cream or a suppository. Happy beard growing.
- OzzyPedro -
 

Can I be nice AND get you to wash my brains with soap?
OzzyPedro
For you OzzyPedro, anything. And since you do live in Australia with all those stinky dingoes and Paul Hogan films, I’m sure your brain is long over due for a good washing. 
- Simian - 
 

When is it best to play with a boomerang and an alzheimer's patient?
Jason Horticulture obtusemisuse@yahoo.com
Very carefully.  Those Alzheimer's patients can pack quite a wallop on the return trip...
- d0squeen -
 

Would you guys write me a convincing note to get me out of my four exams I have coming up next week?
SpunkyMunky spunkymunky1@hotmail.com
OK, here goes.
To Whom It May Concern:
Please excuse "SpunkyMunky" from the four exams she is scheduled to take at an as yet unspecified date.  She recently underwent simultaneous surgeries for a spleen cleaning, a kidney reversal, and a partial frontal lobotomy to control her fits of intense rage exhibited when she feels pressured (such as when she has four upcoming exams).  Personally, I don't think the lobotomy went well, so I'd just forget about the tests before she "gets medieval on your ass".  Know what I mean?
Jason X (Xramulatzian who knows a lot more about improper lobotomies than you school administrators do)
- Jason -
"Dear Teacher, 
Please excuse SpunkyMunky from taking her exams this week. She will be shot into space later this week in order to orbit Pluto (the planet, not the dog). She’ll then get to be jettisoned into the vacuum of space and asked to collect shiny rocks. Thanks for supporting the NASA Space Program." 
- Simian - 
 

Why is it that when I want to go potty I can't?
Boo bubbl2000@webtv.net
Well, to be able to answer this question correctly I would also need to know if when you have to go potty do you want to? Since this isn't an online chat, I will not get to know the answer to that, so in my best guesstimation, I will have to say the problem lies in your deep seated fear of the Tidy Bowl man... it could also be that your timing is off as well.
- FLAGG -
Either you have a bladder infection or you aren't eating enough bran muffins.  It might also be that you are really a space alien and that feeling you have really indicates a hideous disease, since aliens from your planet don't really need to go potty.  Watch for a velvety, green sheen developing on your body - if it happens - stay the hell away from me!
- d0squeen -
 

You know, All my life people have said to me "I'm glad I'm not you." This phrase was extremely prevalent whilst I was working at the White House as an intern. So I was just wondering, what's it like to be me? Is it that bad?
Dominius "Jee-bus" Mookpiloh mookpiloh@hotmail.com
Ohhhh, I've just been overwhelmed by images of cigars, Kenneth Starr, Linda Tripp, and the phrase "I did NOT have sex with that woman!".  I'm going to take some aspirin and go lie down now.
- Jason -