THIS
WEEK
#^@%!
Bobo
The Hobo
#^@%!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
so
what's next?
FLAGG
OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Next,
I thought Elvis, Simian, and I would load up in a circa 1970's Volkswagen
Vanagon camper van with a cheesy 8 track tape stereo, shag carpeting on
all the walls and floor, tinted windows, Jethro Tull, The YardBirds, America,
SuperTramp ,Pink Floyd and Foghat on 8 track, an iced down keg, and a stocked
liquor box. Then we'd point that baby west and just drive man.
Yeah, just mellow and drive. . .Stopping occasionally for food, free love
with the locals, and a shower.
- Jason
-
What
is up?
Whinny
Hopalong
My blood
pressure, that's what. Hey, you try working with these outrageously absurd
midget interns! They're driving me insane! Hey! Drop that bowling ball
now!
- Simian
-
Oh,
sorry. <ziiiiip>.
- Jason
-
Dear
Sirs and/or Madams I would like to complain about the use of the word "Because"
on your "Internet Site". This word was copyrighted by my client, BillJoeJoeBillBill,
on "Thursday" and is now only allowed to be used when talking about French
Peanut Farmers INC LTD. Please remove all "Because"s from your "Internet
Site" unless they are used in this way
Wojit
Here
at WackyAdvice, we just 'happen' to have some 'legal' experts of our 'own'.
And after all my 'legal' battles with a certain pastry companies (who shall
remain 'nameless') and all those miserable restraining orders, I think
I know a few things about getting sued. So, seeing as your 'clients' are
French and can't tell the difference between a $20 bill and a piece of
cardboard, I say, bring it on Lawyer Boy!
- Simian
-
Well
Dear Sir then, okay... so like The French Peanut Farmers INC LTD are very
angered too, only NOW it's because you used words that THEY have copywritteded...
like "BillJoeJoeBillBill", "Internet Site", and "Poopie-Jaws" so now...
NOW you have to remove them from OUR site. Take THAT, you crammy ball of
crumpled up... up... up... up... up.... crinkle-cutted festering wormholed
pollywogged frizzly vortex of snuggle-festivals! And I MEAN IT!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Can
anyone pinpoint the exact time Simian became a raging alcoholic?
Whinny
Hopalong
Like
I can tell time! Please! Don't make me go over there.
- Simian
-
I believe
it was some time shortly before her birth.
- Jason
-
What
do they mean by the expression "S**t a Brick" anyway?
Guido
http://www.looneyland.net
 Big
Todd told me he saw a monkey doing this, so don't look at me? I said don't
look at me!!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Mimes
don't hurt anyone. Just chill, man.
Tahmeekah
Lahsheekah
Tell
that to JFK. That mime on the grassy knoll wasn't very benign now
was he?
- Jason
-
I misplaced
my medicine for my Alzhiemer's Disease and I'm lost in this website and
I remember when I was a little girl and people like to push me down the
stairs and Mommy! MOmmy! Look! It's the circus. Stalin and I were lovers
back in the day, or so my voices tell me. Elvis? Sing me a song Elvis,
Love me, tender, love me truuuuue!
Tahmeekah
Lahsheekah
Look,
Lady. I don't know where YOU come from, but on this page, we don't talk
about Stalin, our chemical problems, or running away and joining the circus,
and then fake an accident so we can collect and sit back and watch "Opera
Winter-Free", or even better, "Slam Boxing For Fish" - Huh? What?? Oh,
heh-heh! I guess we DO talk about these things...
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why
don't they have more head explosions in movies? There are so many
movies that would really be improved with a strategically placed head explosion.
Katie
You
want to make people's heads explode in glorious Technicolor? Join the club.
But I'd hate to be the guy at the theater who has to clean up the viscous
mess of gray matter once the feature film is over. Egad! And we think the
floors of theaters are sticky now.
- Simian
-
I noticed
that Elvis has been packing it on lately- is he pregnant? Are you any of
you pregnant?
Tahmeekah
Lahsheekah
We've
been wondering if Simian is, but we suspect it may just be a beer gut,
and we're both afraid to ask her.
- Jason
-
Packing?
Like packing 'heat'? I'm afraid I can't answer this question - this
is a family site you know.
- Simian
-
How
do you tell when you have a addiction to pink lemonade and is there a 12-step
program?
Bobo
The Hobo
Place
your face on a cheese grater and slowly rub it back & forth across
your face. If you don't start to bleed immediately, you're probably addicted
to pink lemonade. And the info on the 12-step program comes when I start
to see some plastic, and I don't mean plastic peanuts again.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Can
we shoot people who spell the word cool as "kewl" or "quool" or "kool"
Because really, they need to be.
Lucy
http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/1227
 Yeah,
that's a cuwl idea.
- Jason
-
Who
else loves show tunes?
Wild
Bill
http://members.fortunecity.com/wldbill/sporttapes.html
My friend
Tommy who was rehearsing for the Lawrence Welk Show when he accidentally
tapped his way onto I-90. Mommy says he'll be riding forever 'neath the
streets of Boston, apparently because he's the man that never returned.
Whatever. I think he's dead.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
You're
on your own here, Boy George.
- Simian
-
I feel
it is my right to have Jason's pic next to my question so I can pretend
that my question and him are making out, and that's the closest I'll be
to him and that will make me feel oddly satisfied.
Tahmeekah
Lahsheekah
Well,
that's fortunate, because if you ever really did get physically close to
me, your clothes would likely burst into flame burning your, um, er. .
.well, let's just say, the mood would be ruined.
- Jason
-
Do
you know where my cat is?
Whinny
Hopalong
Yup,
but it's hair isn't.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Urp.
No. . .
- Jason
-
Och,
A cannae cope nae mair. Why does Yon Loch Peebles Beastie keep tearing
ma wee lammies limb frae limb?
Ozzy
McPedro
www.give-me-money.com
There's
water in Australia? And Loch Peebles has a nasty critter hiding in its
shallow depths? Really? And here I thought the only malicious, unexplainable
being in Australia was Paul Hogan's career.
- Simian
-
Do
not question my sanity! You can talk about that to oh look its an airplane.
Anyway, why did Dale Earnhardt have to die! He was Nascar's only hope of
staying away from bankruptcy! They will go straight down the hole! Do you
even know who Dale Earnhardt is? He was a Nascar legend, thank you! P.S
will you put me on your frenz page? Please!
Mr.
Bob
<twitch>
Erp <twitch> Puffle <twitch> I'M HAVING ANOTHER FLASHBACK! <twitch>
<click> AAAH I CAN'T SEE! <twitch> <click> STOP THAT! <twitch>
<click> NO! BAD ALIEN! BAD BAD MONKEY! (endless whacking with a bamboo
stick featuring some of the KEWLEST closeups of Elvis Shortliver as he
beats his coworkers into the fetal position and until they stop crying
while he smiles ever, ever so oddly)
- Elvis
Shortliver -
My
juice box says right here on the box that it contains "10% fruit juice"
yet it also states it has "no artificial flavors or preservatives". What
the heck is the other 90%?
Wild
Bill
http://members.fortunecity.com/wldbill/sporttapes.html
Dark
matter.
- Jason
-
Ok,
so I've been moonlighting at night to make up for a crappy childhood by
supplementing my income. Is it really that big of a deal? I mean, you're
not gonna tell the webmaster, are ya?
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Liquid
nitrogen. It not only keeps those yummy pseudo-juice products cold, it
also cures the common cold. Of course, the actual cure is a slow painful
death, but I digress.
- Simian
-
Do
you think that there will be a sequel to 102 Dalmations?
George
W Bush
http://www.thewhitehouseismineal.org
 Well,
here's to hoping that if they do make another pathetic, waste of film sequel
about those silly spotted dogs, that it will take place in a Vietnamese
restaurant.
- Simian
-
Yeah,
102 Dead Dalmations. It's when they all grow up & get put into the
hands of irresponsible owners and the unspeakable torment they encounter,
much like the movie Dinosaur. Disney kicks ass! Bet we get sued for saying
that, too! CHURCH OF POPPIN' FRESH! There! I said it!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Whenever
I go to this site, my friends look at me weird. I tell them it's an advice
site run by a guy with an afro, a drunk monkey, and an horny alien, and
now they won't invite me to lunch anymore. What should I do?
Lucy
Lunch
is the most boring meal of the day. Unless it comes to you in a frosted
glass. With a little paper umbrella. And you drink it through a straw.
- Simian
-
Yah?
So's your mother!
Bobo
The Hobo
Is this
some kind of Jeopardy insult? Do you want me to determine the insult
to fit the response? Is that how it works? OK, here goes: "You're
a perpetually nice person who makes me chili and vegetable soup for no
particular reason, and is always buying me nice shirts and stuff."
- Jason
-
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