Due to the unusual response of our Valentine's special last week, we received many questions directed towards our guest, Putrid. Rather than leaving these questions to be forgotten about like they should be, We asked Putrid if he would just answer a few of them & help us out, which was more difficult than we thought it would be as he was incarcerated for placing a bad bet at the blackjack tables shortly after our interview. Of course we were surprised when he used his one phone call to call us & not a lawyer, so we asked him to answer them over the phone.  Can I meet Putrid? He seems like he knows what a girl wants..and he sounds sexy... sort of. Jen Holy Christ, what the... Jen, How close are you the the Las Vegas Police Department? Well if you want your date, make it snappy, and don't forget the money to bail me out, baby! who made up putrid he's hecka funny ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha jourdana You think I'm funny?? Just you wait until i get outta here. me & my new girlfriend Jen are gonna hunt you down like dogs! Like DOGS!

THIS WEEK
 

If you are the only one in a forest and you yell "I'M GAY AND I'M PROUD OF IT!!!" would that really be considered as coming out?
blonde blonde@wwwjustin.com
Uh, is there something you want to tell us, Blonde? Coz you know we’ll still love you no matter what you do. Well, that is unless you become a Republican..... 
- Simian - 
 

Is the Pope Catholic? Please tell me. I really need to know because people keep asking me.
OzzyPedro
The Pope is actually a gigantic blessing machine. His batteries are 90% holy water and are recharged daily by Holy Ghost Brothers in Venice, Italy. He is fairly harmless, in fact he can barely stand on his own. However it is wise to keep a safe distance from him as He has a  high voltage third rail that helps him move from station to station.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Well, no, the Pope really isn’t Catholic; but he is a bear. And don’t even asks what’s he’s been doing in the woods. 
- Simian - 
Does a bear whiz in the woods?
- Jason -
 

How many murders annually are caused by Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5"?
John fried_cheese@hotmail.com
Even worse, his follow up, Mambo no. 6, was supposed to be a duet with one of the Spice Girls. It never happened. Sneaky, Spunky, Sassy, and Safety-Pin Spice never showed up at the rehearsals, and Stinky Spice read the lyrics, ran out of the control room & hasn't been seen since. We miss you Stinky! 
- Elvis Shortliver -
More importantly, how many people would like to bludgeon Lou Bega for writing Mambo No. 5?  If you'd like to join "People Hoping To Beat Lou Bega Like A Red-Headed Stepchild For Writing Mambo No. 5", email me at Jason@WackyAdvice.com.
- Jason -
 

If a guy buys a Porsche and some consider it a 'penis extension', then what do ya call it when a woman buys a Porsche?
Protozoa
I’m really not sure. However I don’t think you want to call it "Time to go to McDonald’s, buy a chocolate shake, spill it on the new plush leather interior while driving 75 mph and changing the radio station before you hit a telephone pole and run away". Not like I’ve ever done that with my Porsche.... 
- Simian - 
A 'breast enhancement'?
- Jason -
 

I just ran over Schrodinger's cat!  Do you think it's dead?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bgates@microsoft.com
Good one Fez.  Well, since -- in the spirit of Schrodinger -- observing the state of the cat would kill it, I suggest you try to run over the cat again -- without looking at it -- to make sure it's really dead without having to observe whether it's living or dead and subsequently kill it.
- Jason -
According to Utne Reader, you really screwed things up, Fezzzzz. Thru years & years of reconditioning, Shrodinger actually made his cat "K.O.V.E.R." (Kitten Operating Vittle-less Energizing Reactor) believe that it was in fact a bird dog. It was in a highly secure environment - what were you doing there? The experiment has gone awry now as the cat believes that it is the new Napoleon (or "Snowball XVII" as it demands to be called), has taken over the lab & has declared war against animal testing. The experiment is now a total loss as Shrodinger has been put on a train to Poland. 
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

I LIKE THIS GIRL AND I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW TO TELL HER I LIKE HER. I THINK SHE LIKES ME TOO. ONE DAY SHE TOLD ME I CAN BE HER PUPPY AND FOLLOW HER HOME. DOES IT LOOK LIKE THERES A CHANCE?
MARK WILDCATS_2003@HOTMAIL.COM
Be careful, Mark. First they let you follow them home, then when you think things are going well, they dress you up in doggie booties, put silly clothes on you when all you want is just one measly little cookie! Oh and Reindeer antlers on the holidays are the absolute worst! Kill it! Kill it nowww!!!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
You'll probably have a better chance if refrain from yelling. I've found that women aren't generally very receptive to: "HI, I WAS WONDERING IF PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME SOME TIME FOR A NICE QUIET EVENING OF REALLY LOUD TALKING?!?!".  A better bet is to walk up to her with a rose, hand it to her and say (without yelling) "I just wanted to show this rose what true beauty was".  You could also do the same thing with an artichoke or kiwi, but the effect will proabably be less pronounced.
- Jason -
 

Is the biggest problem in Australia getting rid of unwanted boomerangs?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sidewinder_71@hotmail.com
Oh yeah boomerangs are a big problem Down Under. But not as big a problem as that pesky Crocodile Hunter. That guy grabs crocs by the tail, sticks them in front of a camera and makes them sing the Spice Girl! Man, he’s scarier than Paul Hogan’s corpse. 
- Simian - 
 

Is it, within protocol, to be in touch with a girl friend. That I haven't seen or heard from, for over 30 yrs. She is divorced, for over 10 yrs., now!  And she is still as lovely, as before.
jerry jlmoses37@hotmail.com
Atten-tion! If you're gonna be calling a woman, First: You better have flowers. Second: Your suit better be pressed & your buttons shiny. Third: Holding hands & a kiss on the cheek is FAR enough for you until your leave, soldier! Do you hear me, Boy!?! 
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Ok enough of the silly questions it's time for a real one.... I was reading this Dean Koontz book titled Seize The Night.... one guy mentioned in the book something about Simian obsenities but didn't go into detail about them nor did it list any so Simian could you possibly enlighten me on these linguistical profanities??? Oh yeah Elvis and Jason may also add their 2 cents too..
FLAGG willieverget@respect.com
Well, I did once call Mr. Lardlumps a ‘pandering baboon with delusions of grandeur and a big blue butt’ but I’m not sure that’s really obscene. If you really want to hear obscenities, start sending Elvis some marketing solicitations and then ask him about his pet lobster. 
- Simian - 
 

Hey I have been having problems with my girlfriend... could it be the socks in bed??
Grant troganz@hotmail.com
While he is a pretty cool cat, it's probably not Socks, but it might be his owner President Clinton.
- Jason -
It depends on just what your socks are doing in bed. Do they steal all the sheets so you wake up cold? Snore loudly? Eat crackers under the covers? If you’re socks are misbehaving, you really should get them in line before they ruin your relationship. 
- Simian - 
 

How do you make nuclear warheads?
Saddam
I asked "Hickory Pete" the bartender at Clownies. Pour 4oz of Ouzo (ask yer Dad) into a snifter. Add in crushed ice melt & a twisted lemon rind. fill with a blue substance of your choice (usually carbonated water or blueberry flavored Tang), shake (not too violently) & enjoy. Pete says drink at least 3! 
- Elvis Shortliver -