Valentine's Day Special

Cupid is the most famous of Valentine symbols. In ancient Greece, he was known as Eros, the young son of Aphrodite (the goddess of love and beauty.) To the Romans he was Cupid, and his mother Venus. Seeing as how Cupid is booked full this month, we are honored to have Putrid, Cupid's twin brother, for our interview. Separated at birth, poor Putrid was bounced from foster care system to foster care system and although he does not get the notoriety that his brother has over the last millennium, he still shares in his special abilities. Often misunderstood, he is mischievous, but not quite yet sinister.

Putrid, the alleged twin brother of Cupid.
Putrid

Interviewer: We're sitting in the lounge of the Blue Chapel Hotel in beautiful downtown Las Vegas talking to Putrid, twin brother of Cupid. Putrid, how are you doing at the Black Jack tables tonight?
Putrid: Well, sometimes you win & sometimes you freakin' lose. Can we get on with this? I got a chick waiting. Hurry up, she's hot.

Interviewer: Well, okay. What is it like having a brother so famous & kind as Cupid?
Putrid: Screw Cupid! He's just a pudgy midget. Why should I care about "Mommy's Little Sunshine?"

Picture taken by their mother Venus. Interviewer: What was it like being a "cherub"?
Putrid: It was fun, we did the usual crap. I pushed other cherubs off of clouds, clipped some of the other's wings, threw rocks at the bird feeder in the yard... kid stuff.

Interviewer: When did you realize you had such a unique gift?
Putrid: When the faces over my crib were different than those of my brother's.

Interviewer: What is heaven like? Do you get along with other angels?
Putrid: The angels never want to play games MY way. Like when we played hide & seek - I'd have them all hide, then I'd go to the store for a pack of butts. By the time I'd get back, they'd still be hiding, because they are sooo stooopid!

Interviewer: Cupid is very busy this week. How do you celebrate Valentine's day?
Putrid: This year, I'm going to a nasty bar down the road & make the patrons play "Spin The Bottle." Then I'll infect them with beer-tainted feelings towards each other.

Interviewer: Are you really responsible for the success of Britney Spears?
Putrid: No but I am partly responsible for Michael Jackson's successful marriage to Lisa Marie Presley. Yeah, so I send weeds to people on Valentine's Day. I'm not so bad, am I?

Interviewer: Do you think that is funny?
Putrid: FUNNY?!?

Interviewer: Have you ever thought of becoming a lounge act?
Putrid: WHAT!?!

Interviewer: Do you have any regrets?
Putrid: Hey, I'm Putrid! I'm too short to drive a CAR, I have a BAD temper, & they won't even allow me to have a pet GOLDFISH! Are you trying to piss me off? If you wanna fight, put down that microphone so I can kick your ASS!

Dear Putrid
Excerpted from Heavenly Hogwash Monthly

Dear Putrid,
Why does it hurt so bad when I think of how much it hurts?
signed, Hurting
Coz that's what I'm good at.

Dear Putrid,
Do I need a big car to get girls?
Keith
Get yourself one of them big honkin' red Lincolns, you know, the kind with the top that comes down? And if you have steer horns on the grille, you're the man.

Dear Putrid,
My husband barely notices me anymore. I am afraid we are having intimacy problems. What can I do to make him love me again?
Loveless
Lay down a trail of Penthouse magazines & beers leading to the bedroom. Pour chocolate syrup all over your body to camouflage yourself & jump him when he comes in. I don't freakin' know. What do I look like, a shrink?

Dear Putrid,
Was that you with my wife?
Pissed
Well, it looks like we just about ran out of time. Let's go, Betty, before the lawyers get here...

AESOP's Tell-Tale Heart

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