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Dear Putrid,
How can I be as cool and suave as you?
- Ben Dover -
You can't. I'm Putrid. You're ah, Ben. Got it!?
 

Dear Putrid,
I want some respect. Where are the beatches that give you some respect? That's all a man really wants. Respect. You know what I'm saying?
- Ben Dover -
Sit down and shut up! Here come the babes. "Hi, Ladies! Sit down right here next to - yup, just kick it while I answer these losers... I mean... oh yea, a little to the left, baby...
 

Dear Putrid,
Why do you wear a leather jacket and your brother Cupid wears a diaper? Wazzzup wid dat?
- Meadow Muffins -
Personal style. So he likes a little spanking once in a while.
 

Dear Putrid,
Why is love blind?
- Curious -
Cuz it gives me a chance to spread a little bit of love around. Jack Daniels, beer goggles and Saran Wrap. How else can some people get laid?
 

Dear Putrid,
Do you think I have a shot with Micheal Jackson?  Could you hook us up?
- marry me -
What is so wrong with you that you would want to be hooked up with Michael Jackson? That Lisa Marie thing was a freakin' riot. Are you sure you want to be next? Cuz I can arrange that....
 

Dear Putrid,
How do you understand women?
- anony mous -
You gotta give them what they want. Then you take it away and you hold it in front of their faces & say "If you ever want this again, you have to do exactly what I say."
 

Dear Putrid,
My question is simple where the H-E-double hockey sticks are my 2 letters from last week?? They were good ones I swear.... and don't believe Schmiley.... ok.... or Elvis he is a carcinogenic liar.... I'm not lyin!!!
- FLAGG -
Uhh, are you still here?
 

Dear Putrid,
Would I be an Omish whore or a Turkish whore if I'm half Turkish and half... half.... half whatever country the word Omish comes from?
- linnythecrab -
Isn't there an uncharted island you can go live on?
 

Dear Putrid,
Does this look infected to you?
- Wild Bill -
Do I look like a freakin' doctor? Take your rash outta here!
 
 
 

Dear Putrid, Is Hannah hot. - alex - Hannah who? Ah, Betty, can you get, yea, oh yea, oohhhhhh............

HERE'S A SHOT OF ME WITH THE BETTYS.

Dear Putrid,
What is a flame made of?
- Me -
I don't think I have to answer that. Oh, I do? Ok... MY FIST!
 

Dear Putrid,
Why are the guys in white suite always watching me shouldn't they chase me and the black suites watch me?  And why does big brother always have to watch?  Is there something wrong with him?  I mean really really wrong with him?  I don't have a big brother but if you were sleeping with him could I kick your ass?
- oh look an airplane -
That guy was a waste of sperm. We were warned that his parents were brother and sister.
 

Dear Putrid,
is hell a cuss word?
- limbobimbo -
Here are a few cuss words... Frizzle Frazzle Frizzle.
 

Dear Putrid,
All of my Jewish friends keep saying stuff about me in some weird language like "siehaut gevain a courva in dde momma's bouch" or "a shaynem dankdir im pupik". What the hell does that mean?
- notjwishwhitekid -
Gee, do you think that weird language might be... JEWISH?? You poor poor human being. I'll catch up with you in a few days. Keep your beer goggles nearby, ok?
 

Dear Putrid,
Where's the love Putrid? Huh? Where's the LOVE?
- Simian -
In the back of my Cadillac. In my $1000 a night suite in Las Vegas. This blonde sitting on my right. The brunette keeping my shot glass full, get it?!!
 

Dear Putrid,
On Valentine's Day, I was planning just to wear a thong to school and nothing else, but my boyfriend dumped me.  He said that he didn't want to go out with a hooch.  Why did he do this to me?  IT's not FAAAIIIRRR!
- lady sasami -
Uhh, have you seen yourself in a thong lately?
 

Dear Putrid,
Is Micheal Jackson from a different planet, or does he really just molest little boys for the fun of it?
- lady sasami -
Another Michael Jackson weirdo. What are the chances? Oh, and sorry, I can't take credit for those molestation encounters. That's my cousin Vinny.
 

Dear Putrid,
When, oh when will I find him? Oh, my heart is emty, sad and full of longing for a true love. A love that is rare and true. Breathtaking and exiting. Close, warm and nurturing. Someone I can cherish and take care of every day for the rest of our lives. Where should i seek him? What do I do? Anxiously awaiting your reply...
- waiting to exhale -
Well you can start by coming over to my house, honey. I have a mop, a broom & a vaccuum so you can get started.
 

Dear Putrid,
Alan Greenspan and his Federal Reserve cut interest rates by another half a point. What is this going to do to my sex life?
- Lucy -
Nothing, cuz you never had a sex life. And don't worry about Alan, he's going to make some music with a beautiful dominatrix real soon...
 
 
 

Dear Jason, Elvis and Simian. Why on earth would anyone want to recieve a squirrel enema? - Guido - What? Who the heck had me do this? Where's my agent? Who are these visitors? Does my brother have anything to do with this??

YUP! THAT'S ME HELPIN' THE PRES OUT WITH HIS LOVE ISSUES... BEFORE THE REAPER TOOK HIM AWAY.

Dear Putrid,
Why don't my people love me?  I have given you life and all things beautiful. I mean, sure there's some ugly things but I just put those there to make the beautiful things more beautiful..
- God -
It looks like God has hit the bottle again. Betty, take him home. Yea, home. His driveling whining is so disturbing. Just flip off his sandels and put him to bed. And get your ass back here, pronto!!!
 

Dear Putrid,
Was' up? I want a Valentine! How do I get one? He has to be kewl though, or I might kill him. What do you suggest?
- Ladeeda -
Ok first, you get on your tiniest, skimpiest transparent dress. Then go downtown and hang out by the local arcade. I'll cath up with you later, promise.
 

How can I get my kitty to stop getting all over the place when I'm trying to type?
- Katie -
Get a big big dog. What! Why am I answering these questions!? Betty, are you sure we got the money upfront??!!
 

Dear Uncle Licker Putrid,
What if I don't wanna talk to you and would rather ask a question to Simian, Elvis and Jason.  I don't wanna talk to you... the other guys are cool.
- Guido -
Sorry to disappoint you Guido, but back to the end of the line, as usual.
 

Dear Cuban Smoking Putrid,
If your girlfriend suddenly becomes as ugly as a dog, can you put her in a confined space with a running buick?
- Guido -
As long as you, Romeo, are sitting right next to Juliette in the front seat.
 

Dear Putrid,
Sometimes I wonder why my mother and father got married in the first place. Until now, I haven't been able to explain it. So why don't you just 'fess up right now, Buster!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
I remember that day. That truly pathetic day. April. 1970. Jack Daniels. Ford Pinto. The hatchback. Ahh the joy. HAHAHAHAHA and then there was you. See? love really is blind.
 

Dear Putrid,
Why do chicks always look at my behind? It's not like there's anything special going on in there
- bigbuttcop -
Coz love is blind. Damn it, my beer is warm. BETTY! GET ME ANOTHER BEER!!!
 

Dear Putrid,
Is it a BAD thing to pretend your drunk so that guys take advantage of you?
- Whinny Hopalong -
What are you doing RIGHT NOW? Hey, make that TWO beers and hurry.
 

Dear Putrid,
See I have found the secret to keeping out of the rejected questions bin.... so my question is how do you tell a stapler that your in love with it?
- FLAGG -
Flagg, I still haven't been able to solve any of your love problems. You might need to lose more body parts.
 

Dear Putrid,
How come my girlfriends always break-up with me after I introduce them to my wife?
- Frankie Bones -
HELLO!! Hey Rico Suave!  Rule #1 which Im kinda surprised you never figured this out, never ever ever tell them that you're married - got it??
 

Dear Putrid,
Ok, first off, I'd like to say that I really LOVE your work and I hope someday I can become an Estranged Twin of Cupid also. Geez, you are soooo kewl. Now my question: There's this girl I like and I'm pretty sure she like me but we recently went to a Lacumí gathering and, as we were preparing to sacrafice the Dudu Akukó, an Orisha entered her body. Now, having the Orisha enter an Aberinkulá body is a VERY special momment; it means that person should become initiated right away! The only problem was that this girl (Let's call her Sara) became possesed by a BAD Orisha and consequently killed several Babaloshas. This is a very big faux pass in the Lucumí religion and now I'm having trouble respecting Sara(Becuase she killed some people, y'know? That's pretty not kewl, by my standards). What should I do!?
Sincerly,
- Shmiley -
Dump her.
 

Dear Putrid,
- Your ex -
Can you have her hold for a minute please?
 

?modnar yllatot tsuj s'ti kniht uoy od ro ,sdrawkcab yletelpmoc netirw si egassem siht taht ees uoy naC
- tijoW -
C a n  y o u  s e e  t h a t  h e  i s  r e a l l y  a n  i d i o t ?
 

Dear Putrid,
Why did you decide to appear on this site? I doubt it was out of the goodness of your heart...
- Wojit -
No love for you -  one year.
 
 
 

Dear Putrid, What it's like being second fiddle to the "Big Flake"? - Wojit - What! Second Fiddle! AGHHH! I'm Putrid, Dammit!!!

PUTRID, 9TH GRADE

Dear Putrid,
My Gf Just broke up with me. Does this have anything to do with the lage amounts of LSD in my possession? Uh-oh, Did I just let that slip out? Crap. What I really meant to say is- Am I a bad pot smoker? Oh, crap, I did it again. Does this have anything to do with me and my crack pipe? Oh, forget it.
- CarNut -
My Bettys convinced me that it would be safer for the rest of the world if you could only have intimate relationships with inanimate objects. You realy freak out women.
 

Dear putrid,
I once found my real and true mate in a glue bottle but as soon as i figured that it was my true love the glue ran out.  From there the relationship became rocky and it was hell on earth.  I wanted to know if a glue bottle should really serve a purpose after its empty because although it is screaming at me right now I am planning on throwing it away.  Should I throw it away in the trash compactor, garbage disposal, or go old fasioned and throw it in the trash can?  I seriously considared throwing it off the golden gate bridge on to a garbage barge where thirteen and a half rabid dogs would tear it to shreds.  Are these thoughts pure enough to considar?  How should the dogs tear it up? Top or bottom first?  I dont know if it is sanitary to rip ones true love to bits.  Do you?
- oh look there's an airplane -
I'm the evil twin of love, not the evil twin of glue sniffing. Why don't you put the cap back on? Wait... ok... yea... Bettys just suggested you take the cap back off and go over to Carnuts' house. And stay there.
 

Dear Putrid,
I need a woman.  Preferably a pretty woman that smells good and doesn't brutally murder people (I know, I know, my standards are too high..)  but, anyway, any advice on how to ago about this?  the woman getting, I mean.  You look like the kind of guy that gets a lot of chicks.  So, please, what's your advice?
- The Jester -
What about the chick I sent to the arcade above? I'll see if I can send one of my betties to find her for you.
 

Dear Putrid,
What the hell did I do wrong this time?? (Guido, Florida, you??)
- Whinny Hopalong -
I said SARAN Wrap, not Reynolds Wrap.
 

Dear Putrid,
Billy won't return my calls, and I don't think he knows I even exist. How can I make him fall in love with me, because really, he's a studmuffin. (You may want to check out the link if you don't understand who Billy is)
- Lucy -
Billy signed a 5 year contract with me. Yes indeed. He is one of my greatest experimental lab "rats".
 

Dear Putrid,
I am having a problem with my name. My last name is Bob (I'ts Lebanese!) and I commonly refer to myself as a Mr. That's where my problem comes in. I'm not really married and I'm seriously lacking a love life. Mr real first name is Schmoe (Not to mention my middle name is Maury) and I don't think that sounds well with Bob. Do you think I should suck up my pride and call myself Schmoe Bob? Should I get a love life? Should I continue calling myself Mr. Bob?
- Nameless, uh no, how about umm... Oh yeah! No. Oh what the hell. I'm Mr. Bob and everyone knows it! -
Sigh... and you... Mr. Schmoe Maury Bob... are one of my great embarassments.
 

Dear Putrid,
why is rain purple
- anon -
Oh! Time to go?! Bettys! Get all the gear together. NOW!! Sorry anon (NOT) you'll have to ask me again next year. Give me that. Later losers! See you at the blackjack tables!