THIS WEEK

How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Earth and what would you find when you got there?
Finch lizzy@aye.net
I'm not sure how many beatings or lickings one would have to take to get to the center of the Earth (although I would image it would be numerous) but I know what I'd like to find there; Cheese Doodles and strawberry jam. Now that would be really cool. Oh and dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are cool too.
- Simian -
I estimate it would take 4,937,619,382,538 licks to get to the center of the earth if you started licking at Death Valley.  When you got to the center, you would find that you could no longer taste anything.
- Jason -
 

Speaking of Tinkerbell, what's up with that NAME, anyway? I mean, do you know anybody personally with a name like Tinkerbell?
Jennifer robertjennifer75@cs.com
After all the children clapped their hands in unison, unknowingly diffusing Tinkerbell's magical powers, she struggled to find her place among working class England. Initially, before her flying power had fully worn off, she flew through the streets of Heath Row picking out drunks for cancer research. After unsuccessful attempts at rehabilitation, she became one of the world's top flight attendants. Upon retiring, she focused on her love for sculpture, designing porcelain figurines of endangered North American animals for Red Rose Tea.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What's the big idea?
Mike mike.livinston@intres.com
Oh, I dunno, I thought the theory of general relativity was a pretty big idea.  How about you?
- Jason -
Well in the predawn of history the 'big idea' was fire. Then it was the wheel. Later, we got the big 'electricity' idea. Then we had the phone, the steam engine and so forth. What's the 'big idea' today? Canned ham.
- Simian -
 

If I limit my number of questions will you answer all of them?
FLAGG
I dunno, but If you limit your dietary intake of Viagra, you probably won't get random boners like Joey.  See below.
- Jason -
 

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sidewinder_71@hotmail.com
Imported cheeses are way too concentrated for us here in the USA, so the government came up with the cheese shredder to dilute it to its more palatable hybrid half cousin, American cheese. As a side note, The big 3 American television corporations own the rights to the patent on cheese graters, thus saving us from such TV horrors as "Sabado Gigante" and "Are You Being Served?"
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

The day the music died, what were we listening to?
Meaghan mermaidlocks@yahoo.com
I was listening to the incessant hum of television interference caused by gamma radiation emitted from my body.
- Jason -
 

Can you help me? I was eating one of those delicious koala's we have here in Australia last night, and suddenly I heard someone ask how old I was, now, as I've told Elvis, it's morally wrong do do that. And that if you do, you'll be struck down by a flying mime, never to walk again.  The guy who asked this ridiculous question had this exact thing happen to him... now I feel really guilty.  Am I at fault here?
Jen marjen@bit.net.au
No, Jen. It's the mime's fault. Always blame the mime, for they are wretched
creatures with bad hygiene.
- Simian -
... And Pepperland was never the same after Jen unleashed the flying mimes to help the Blue Meanies defeat the Beatles, slowly taking them out one by one... except Ringo, who never seemed to be taken seriously after escaping from Liverpool's Cancer Research Foundation, and appearing in that torturous movie Cave Man.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Hey.... I was just wondering, Is it normal to have this weird, long, thin, really sharp thing with feathers on one end sticking through your stomach? It is really getting hard to sleep at night (especially on my back or stomach) and a weird red substance that comes out of it keeps staining my clothes. And people look at me funny when I go outside. My mom cries when she sees me, and my boyfriend refuses to make out with me. Please help. 
Aughhhh...it...is...so...horrible...Please...save me! Bubbl2000@webtv.net
Cupid's twin brother Putrid, also a distant relative to the Tinkerbell family, may have been the source for this. Putrid likes to create love triangles & has been a regular on Jerry Springer numerous times. However, you could probably turn this unfortunate situation into a kewl fashion trend, similar to scarification, eyebrow piercing or facial makeup. Try dressing up as a Confederate soldier & grow a shaggy beard.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I tried to make the pancakes but the whiskey got in the way and most of the other items ended up on the floor after my fingers went numb. When I woke up from my whiskey induced coma I noticed all the ingredients were hard and stuck to everything. What does one use to clean up this type of mess? (I already tried a blow tourch!)
Blonde blonde@wwwblonde.com
Try more whiskey. If that fails, buy a new house.
- Simian -
 

Listen, you guys, I must know, is it normal to get boners in school for no reason?!?!?!?
Joey stupidass39@hotmail.com
Have you been exceeding your US recommended daily allowance of Viagra?
That could probably cause it.
- Jason -
 

I think Inspector 12 is stalking me. It all started with little notes I kept finding in the pockets of my clothes -- "Inspected by 12". Sometimes they just said "12". I don't know how they got there.  Last night, though, my phone rang in the middle of Golden Girls. I picked it up, and a voice said, "Hello Ed. This is Inspector 12. Do you like your pants? Do you? DO YOU WANT ME TO INSPECT THEM AGAIN??"  I hung up, of course. But now I'm really freaked out and paranoid. Can you help me?
Big Ed donkpunch@maiermedia.com
I have that same problem with Scabs McFurby, the midget female impersonator. Man, that guy just won't leave me alone! But I have never had a problem with Inspector 12 wanting to inspect my pants. Probably because as a monkey, I don't wear pants. My advice to you Big Ed; stop watching the Golden Girls. 
- Simian -
Did you call the Psychic Hotline for a free reading? I know, the 10 minutes for free offer is tempting, and curiosity can sometimes lead to desperation. I don't know if you will ever be able to stop them from bothering you, so try to look on the brighter side. Betty White, although eerie on the surface, is probably a much better psychic friend than that hideous Bea Arthur. 
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

What is the square root of 9783487525982727358325825682359?
Ummmm.........oh yeah, Bailey bubbl2000@webtv.net
Approximately: 43263989c6d67aef in hexadecimal.  Now it's your turn to do the math.  Hey you, Mr. Jones.  Are you eating chalk again???!
- Jason -
 

Would John Lennon still be alive today if he had divorced Yoko Ono and married that nice May Pang?
Jenna
Perhaps, but more importantly, would he have been casted in BayWatch? 
- Simian -
Yeah! Or would we still have been subjected to the Teletubbies? Bye Bye.
- Elvis Shortliver -