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THIS WEEK

Is it true what they say about running with scissors?
Afro Diziac mpgalvin@eircom.net
Hell Yeah. But after I catch her, Simian usually becomes submissive & lets me cut her hair no problem.
- Elvis Shortliver -
What do they say about running with scissors? I haven't been able to hear since I tripped as a kid and rammed a pair of those cheap dull elementary school scissors into the auditory center of my brain.
- Jason -
Depends on what country we’re talking about. In Norway running with scissors is a national sporting event right up there with elf bowling and the 100 meter caribou toss. But in Luxembourg, running with scissors in public will get you 5 to 15, plus probation. 
- Simian - 
 

Is it safe to keep mimes as pets?  I ask because I found one on the street yesterday (I did find it! I swear, I didn't hunt it down, it was just there waiting for me) and I was wondering, since I found it.. does that saying finder's keeper's count?
Jen marjen@bit.net.au
Hey! You stole our MIME! Give it back NOW! 
(Jason: Default Plan B. Make it so.)
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why is it, whenever I want to do something we can't?  It's always you, you, you!
Tina admiralbatman@hotmail.com
Yes, it’s all about me, isn’t it? It’s all about the monkey. Now, give me your money. 
- Simian - 
 

Jason, where did you get your deep desire for "great big hugs," and how do they affect your life?
Awecksus amallen@students.wisc.edu
My desire for "great big hugs" is probably a subconscious manifestation of always wanting to squeeze the Charmin when I was younger, but never being able to because that bastard Mr. Whipple always told me not to. As far as how it's affected my life, for the most part, it's been somewhat of a letdown. Elvis and Simian always clawed desperately to get away from me, and that little incident with the motorcycle gang didn't have very positive results either. Let's just say it gives a whole new meaning to the word 'throttle'.
- Jason -
 

Do you think Yanni's shows would be more exciting if he yodeled (in Greek of course) and played the jaw harp as well as all that other stuff?
OzzyPedro
I think Yanni's shows would be more exciting if he got poked with a heavy duty cattle prod every sixth piano key. It would also be more entertaining if they'd connect one piano key to a big box of explosives like they did on Looney Tunes.
- Jason -
I think Yanni’s shows would improve greatly if he just didn’t show up to them. I mean, hey, I’d pay 50 bucks for Yanni NOT to perform, wouldn’t you? 
 - Simian - 
 

Sometimes I laugh really hard when watching Scooby-Doo, and milk comes out of my nose. The reason I'm concerned is, I don't drink milk. What do you think?
Jennifer robertjennifer75@cs.com
I think maybe Scooby Doo is in league with Pokemon and is trying to take over the world through mind-numbingly absurd plots and insipid (although extremely cute) characters! After all, it was Scooby Doo who brought us Scrappy Doo - and we all know that Scrappy Doo is the Anti-Christ! 
- Simian -
I think you may have olfactory mammary glands. It's also highly probable
that you're pregnant. I bet you're great fun to be around when you have a
cold though.
- Jason -
 

Where's the beef?
John fried_cheese@hotmail.com
In my best New Yorker accent "I got yer beef right here pal! You got a problem with yer burger buddy?! You wanna know what you can do with that burge. . . <Simian slaps Jason on the back of the head, Elvis kicks Jason in the shin>. Uh, I'm sorry John, I'm not sure where the beef is. Have you checked your friendly neighborhood slaughterhouse?
- Jason -
 

Alright... if I had three blunts and then I took two ...how many would I have.....
Carwash j_carwash@hotmail.com
Well, If you are sharing them with me, then you probly have none left, right? And then it's back to the rehab for me too, huh? See kids, Say No to drugs, and say no to mathematics too. How many wars could have been prevented had we only turned our backs on the numeral system! Peace comes from the abolishment of the dewi-decimal system!! Revolt!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

What is a "hapster" anyway?
pepsi girl cheryl_aimee24@hotmail.com
Hapster was the 8th dwarf from "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" who’s sad life was almost turned into a Disney musical. Before Snow White arrived on the scene, Hapster, a rowdy dwarf known for his heavy drinking and for getting into bar fights with Tinkerbell and Goofy, was killed in a freak mining accident involving broomsticks and French bread. While suspicion about this crime was rampant, no one was charged. The case remains open. 
- Simian - 
Remember when you were little, Honey, and we told you to say no to drugs, and you asked us why, and we sent you to your room? Well your father and I were wrong to do that, and we are very sorry, almost as sorry as we were not paying for your rehabilitation. Ma! Do we have to talk about this now? You know that I need to concentrate when I'm answering questions! Sorry bout that, Pepsi girl. Her medication kicks in just before nap time. Elvis, there's a hapster in my bed. Ma!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Hapster was the main character on a TV show called Hapster & Glutton (rhymes with crouton & is French for... something-or-other) and was supposed to be Aaron Spelling's new "action packed manly adventure series" hit.  Unfortunately, Aaron got in a contract dispute with Ford Motor Company over the use of a bright red Ford Pinto and had to recreate the series without Hapster & named it Starskey & Hutch.
- BunBun -
 

If you all are called the funny bone then why aren't you funny???
Cammie Scrappy_doo_girl@yahoo.com
Why don't golden retrievers retrieve gold? Why is there no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, and neither pine nor apple in pineapple? Why is a Guinea Pig neither from Guinea, nor a pig? Why does quicksand take you down slowly? Such are the unanswered questions of life. . . Now fire up Comedy Central, sit back, and giggle yourself into mindless oblivion like the rest of us. . . 
- Jason -
<Throws a whipped cream pie at Jason & Simian> What is funny, Cammie? <Chews food then opens his mouth> You mean US? Funny?? <ties Cammies shoelaces together> Heck We couldn't split the sides of a cardboard box! <puts a bag of flaming poop on her doorstep> We are ammichures!
- Elvis Shortliver -
PS - Hey, is your refrigerator running?
 

Is it normal to really enjoy drinking hot coffee through a straw?
Big Ed donkpunch@maiermedia.com
Isn’t that how Erik Estrada enjoys his delicious mountain grown coffee? And if Erik Estrada drinks his coffee that way then it has to be cool! Oh wait, Erik Estrada drinks his coffee though a straw HAT….. oh never mind….. 
- Simian - 
 

What does this button do?
jim bob joe skunkhole6@aol.com
Yes, answers to more questions like this, and "Shmendrick the bouncing hapster" coming next week! Now stay tuned for your local news...
- Elvis Shortliver -