Let's play some road apples. Yes, let's. You. Butter Monkey. Whah? Uh? THAT'S OUR F#$@KING STOMPING GROUNDS YOU DIRTY TOMBOY. I pounded several shiny silver nails into your coffin and realized, HEY. This isn't any f**king cemetary. Here we are out in the middle of the bronx with undertakers staring at our ass. 

So, my munky-oiling friend, I took your festering carcass and GOT MY ASS THE HELL OUT OF THERE. You know what I'm sayin', curious george? No, really. Look me right in the eyes and tell me that bag of rocks over your shoulder is any different than the unafraid walkers of Urban AMIZERIKKA. Patriot games, oh god damn. Look at that creature, a rat. Lying there on the ground. Damn you. Its greedy sickening eyes staring right back. It is sickened by its own reflection and yet you can't keep the gore alive. You can't. LEAVE ME LYING HERE!

So, what's new in newbie ville rantan? Have you found my dying sword yet? No? FIND THE F*&$KING SANTA! NOW! DAMN YOU MILOseVIche Patriachyl masochist of runiao. The city is falling apart, and it's all because of your nose, THE CITY I LIVE IN IS WEEPING, for grass. Grass, Grass, Grass, it's all the same, ya know? The flabbling bejabbles weeeee!  Man, this isn't ABOUT vietnam. Okay? Okay? It IS vietnam. Dennis Hopper told me so. He did. With the f**king bandana and everything. Try to deny, I dare you. Buttermonkey... spite! OUT CRAST OR FLEA, don't sit on the yellow line in the middle of the street begging for pity! YOU'RE SOMEWHAT BETTER THAN THAT, I HAD ALWAYS THOUGHT! Understandably butter-filled. So is he mine, and in such bloody distance that every minute of his being thrusts against my near'st of life, and even though I, with bare fac'd power SWEEP HIM FROM MY EXISTANCE, and bid my will avouch it! Yet I must not, for certain friends that are both mine and hiss......... whose loves I may not drop, thence it is, that I to your assistance do make love, masking the business from the common eye for sundry weighty reasons, we shall not spend a large expense of time before we reckon with your several loves and make us even with yo. My thizanes and kinzho's, henceforth be gangstaz, the first that ever The Hood in such an honour named. What's more to do, which would be, yo, planted newly with the BROTHAS, as calling home our exiled HOMIES abroad, that fled the snares of THE MAN, producing forth the cruel white ministers of this dead butcher and his biatch-like queen, who as tiz sez by self and violent hands took off her LIFE SENTENCE.

Uh, yeah. Sure thing, Dandrum. Whatever you say. But I really don't remember going to Alaska in 1999 for the Eskimo Bludgeoning and Smoking Caribou Festival and having 25 vodka pudding pops. Of course, that doesn't mean it didn't happen....
- Simian -

I just realized that Jason is just one of Bud Uglly's infamous onionheads painted green with a smiley face and two clothes hangers stuck to his head. This is a scam! Jason is not even real! Why? How could you do such a thing? Ther probably is no such place as Xramulatz! What about Simian! She probably fake too. she doesn't seem to have a body. Elvis is real. He is an actual person with out any weird quirks. I want you to explain, Elvis!
Mr. Bob
Tell you what:  I'll fly over your house some time in the next year, and oh, lets just say vaporize, your house, your family, your pets, and your neighbors on either side.  After that, I'll track down all your relatives and subjugate them all to a Triradium slave mining moon.  Then I'll let YOU decide if I'm for real.  Sound fair?
- Jason -
(Quickly puts wig back on) Uh, HEH-HEH, WHY... It's... just a cover up for our anti-semetic leanings! No? Then... It's... just... I... DON'T... KNOW ANYMORE!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Later, moth larva turn up in the mouths of Mr. Bob's victims.
- Simian -
 

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Whinny Hopalong
OH GOD, NO!!! QUICK, RUN TO THE - WHAAA!!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Oh, sorry.  <Ziiiiip>
- Jason -
 

What does the "T." stand for in "Simian T. Marmoset?"
Ladeeda
Tantric lover.
- Jason -
Simian "Touch Me & I'll Shoot You With Zeke's Pistol" ... ... ... Marmoset.
- Elvis Shortliver -
I have no idea what it stands for. But I bet its murder to pronounce. Like 'Tabellierprogramm des Drachen' or something equally groovy and German. Ask me again when I'm sober.
- Simian -
 

Do you have any chocolate?
Ladeeda
Kinda. I made it myself, but it doesn't taste like Hershey's Kisses.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Does schmiley have a life?
bigbadprick
Define 'life'.
- Simian -
 

Do you think it is possible God has Alzheimers disease? I've been pondering that for a few days now...
Kristi
A being who creates a species that invents the SUV and is then too stupid to realize how utterly useless, expensive, and detrimental to the environment they are so they continue to buy them for their status symbol value can't be all that bright now, can he?
- Jason -
I don't know... I... just... DON'T... KNOW ANYMORE!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What exactly will BIG TAD do if I'm not nice? I can be pretty naughty sometimes...
chick in funny nose glasses
Once, I saw him kill a child by tickling it to death. I swear he did. The police got it all wrong in their report when they said he was only playing with an old Raggedy Ann doll by shaking it by the head. He'd be loose cannon, I bet.
- Elvis Shortliver -
And do we have pictures to prove that we can be naughty?  They could be worth money (to me when I sell them).
- Jason -
 

Ever notice how, everytime you're in an elevator and you decide to hit the emergency "stop" button just for the hell of it, everyone seems to get really mad?
Wild Bill
Ever notice how when you're on a freeway that's bumper to bumper going 75 mph and you slam on the brakes for no reason, everyone seems to get really mad?  Well, the ones that didn't die anyway.
- Jason -
I never tried that one, NOT because I never thought of it, but because I never have enough time to do it after I finish puking. I have terribly violent motion sickness. Even the browser makes me  start dry-heav... *choke* BlaaaaaRrf! *SOB*
- Elvis Shortliver -
You know how to make people really mad? Try these:
1) Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while repeatedly pushing buttons.
2) Wear a sock puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
3) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
4) Play the harmonica.
5) Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Simian -
 

Where the hell is Max Headroom?
Wild Bill
Have you looked under your bed lately?
- Simian -
 

If I take my dogs playing poker painting and sign it "Pablo Picasso", do you think I'd get more money for it on eBay?
Wild Bill
Pablo who? Never even heard of him. Once I signed a guestbook as Roger Whitman, and I thought he'd get all irritated, but I never even heard from him, NEVER, ever again. Jerk.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is it hot in here?
Hiny Wopalone
Yeah.  I ate some hot peppers last night and they interfered with the control mechanism that regulates the nuclear reactions in my body.  I'm running in the red zone at the moment.  Do you know how hard it is to find deodorant that's effective for a body temperature of 450 degrees?
- Jason -
 

*//*?:"{{} {|:|":>?{P{! @#$$#%%!@# :"{{}|>?_+ %@!@^%*&(* ":>?{}|,./ ;'[\]\=-39 4823574052 32#$$%$^%$ ^$#@@#$E$$ %%&^%&^&^% %%^:">?{}| {}{}>"?:}} {}{@@@@@%^ &********% ^^^^^%[]\;' ./,12434655 46547657567 6576:":!@$ &^%&^%^
!@#$#^^(:"><?{P+__P{}{_))^%${}][ <>?????:"{!@%&^&46554665824
Yup, we still have the directions up to get rid of that freakin' computer virus. It's right HERE. Thanks, Hooked-On-Phonics!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why am I having diarrhea every day? My stools look like soup. Could it be my ecxessive doseage of Ex-Lax and prunes? I also drink lots of prune juice. On average I eat 1 bag per day of Lay's WOW! potato chips. Could that be my problem? Please answer quickly. I need help, fast!
Anonymous
You should be so lucky - have you ever tried to make prune soup?? It's not that easy, you know.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Well, it's either that, or you've got one of those nasty Peruvian butt parasites.  I hear when they set up shop, they actually go out periodically and get raw materials to build stuff in there.
- Jason -
 

Why do people always make fun of me?it's because i'm latino right.ahh...i see how it is...always mess with the black guy sittin at the table.that's ok though.i'll get over it.sonner or later.
dumblonde
Actually, it's 'coz you're sitting in front of the men's room, but the whole "Latino" connection is a close second.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Can I smoke?
razzberry
If you share.
- Jason -
I don't care if you bust into flames. Just stay clear of my whiskey, okay?
- Simian -
 

I am gay. Why am I asking myself a question? Oops, I didn't mean that first part. Sorry guys.
Elvis Shorliver
Look kids! An Elvis impersonator! Thankfully they are not as irritating as mimes, but they tend to be harder to exterminate once you have an infestation.
- Simian -
Sorry, I meant to sign this Anonymous.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Boos iz gude fude. <puking> wy im i riting thes? nevr mend.
Simian the Marmoset
It seems that someone has been posing as a small Brazilian primate. While I can't dispute usually being in an inebriated state beyond rational, coherent judgment, I can just say this: I'm a much better speller than this visitor thanks to all those experimental shock treatments at the lab.
- Simian -
 

Z=Y+T. Hmmmmmmm, that means that I need a plasma-directional-beam-firer to control my gravational propulsion unit. I've got it! Eureeka! Heyyy. Wait a minute! Why am I asking myself questions?
Jason X.
Hey wait a minute! Jason solved this conundrum last week after he accidentally fried my shiny new 8-piece toaster into a hunk of titanium with his spiffy laser gun. I'm starting to see that we have a devious charlatan lurking around at Wacky Advice.
- Simian -
Wait a minute, why am I asking a question like that, I don't need a plasma-directional-beam-firer. . .Wait a minute!  I didn't write that!  OK hoseball, who the hell are you and why are you sending in questions posing as me??  When I catch you I'm going to torture you for 8 solid hours with an ultrasonic titanium poker!
- Jason -
 

I got a pencil stuck in my megadyne graviton particle accelerator and no it won't accelerate. How do I fix it?
Shmiley Johnnyboy3731@Aol.com
Remove the pencil Einstein.
- Jason -
 

I've overasked questions this week, haven't I? Oh well, As a closing staement I would like to say, I know none of these people.
Shmiley
Hi! I'm dangerous to myself and others! Look at me!
- Simian -
 

It's sunday and you aren't updated! Is this something to do with timezones?
Wojit
Somewhere, Wojit, there's a warrant with your name on it.
- Simian -
Well, if you ever saw the movie "That Was Then, This Is Now" you will surely understand what I mean when I say we were too busy livin' off the fat of the land... *BANG* <THUD>
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

The Backstreet Boys - are they evil? or do they just need a kick up the ass? Can someone kill them please? Jason, how about using one of your cool alien ray guns? Simian - how bout smacking them with your tail? Elvis - erm, maybe best to stay home.
Bill the Englishman
Kewl! Thanks Bill!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
No the Backstreet Boys are not particularly evil.  Nevertheless, I have been negotiating with Satan to have them permanently stationed in the deepest darkest pits of hell for being so obnoxious.  Satan said he didn't want them either.
- Jason -
Ah, criticism from the people who exported such monstrosities of nature as the Spice Girls. Excellent! Our devious plan for world domination is forming nicely! And really Bill, compared to the British Royal family, how much more vile can the Backstreet Boys be? Viva la resistance!
- Simian -
 

um.....hmmmm...Ill get it just give me a minute.  Oh yeah okay i got it.  If you were a guy and maybe had a bad hair day would you....
A chop all of the hair off
B dance around naked by the fire.
C oops i forgot to do my homework
D. sheesh that last one wasnt a choice
E.  Have an epilectic episode in the gym on tuesday while smoking some water
F.  die of embarrassment
G.  Um... eat your shorts to make up for it
H.  Give youself a black eye so people wouldnt stare at your hair
I.  Make up a new script to the movie that is your life
J.  Have a kid right there
L.  piss everyone off by pokeing them repeatedly
M.  oops forgot a letter
N. Let them eat cake
O.  reply pepperoni and cheese to everything anyone askes you
P.  Fall down unexpectedly.
Q.  Paint your head some nasty colors
R.  Do nothing but laugh ridiculously

I hope you have more than one answer.
oh look there's an airplane
I'd call in sick, pop open a beer, sit back and watch 8 hours of recorded Battlebots.
- Jason -
Yup. Didn't even read this, but I've got more than one answer.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Do any of you guys have eyeballs, or do you just have empty eye sockets? It's kind of creepy.
Lucy
Of course we have eyes! Why just the other day I poked one of Jason's eyes with a spork. And I have a whole collection of celebrity glass eyes. Yup, I have Sandy Duncan's glass eye, one of Peter Falk's and the last one owned by that groovy hipster, Sammy Davis Jr. That one was real tough to get. I had to dig up his crusty corpse and pry that bad boy right out of his skull to get it. It was pretty disturbing, but man was it worth it.
- Simian -
I have eyes and balls.
- Jason -
 

I asked my cat for advice, his reply was surly and obscene. So I figured you may be able to help me. Should I wear a floppy hat?
Frankie Bones
I think you should wear the fedora of the future! That's right, the Meat Hat. You cat will no longer be brusque and insolent after he gets a load of you in your hip and styling pork chop hat. Or try a cool SPAM cap. You can't get any cooler than raw meat.
- Simian -
3.5" or 5.25"?  Never ask a cat.  How much fashion faith would you put in a creature that repeatedly licks its own butt?
- Jason -
 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Eureka, I have found it!!!!!!! I have found THE way to keep my questions from being rejected.....can you tell me what my answer is?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Opera dogs. I don't know what that really means, but it sounds cool. Oh and pity. Yeah, I think the answer is opera dogs and deep, deep pity.
- Simian -
 

Schmiley i spell your name mcschmiley this way because szchmiley i choose to use something my teachers never taught me and that is creative spelling......got that spgkcfnbaloipwhebvhiley??
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Do we have to seperate you two again?? Sheesh, it's not enough that you're both at the bottom of the barrel (at your OWN choice that is, not ours!) ---  Oh, that's Simian at the bottom of the barrel. Sorry.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I've been watching various guys attempt to marry the female marmoset at this site of yours for quite sometime.  This has concluded my research that men will, indeed, have sex with anything that walks.  That being said, is Jason available this weekend?  hehe.
Big Bad Bob
Hey, since I'm an alien, I'm keenly aware of the different alien species' practices at anal probing, and I know how to avoid them all, so you just watch yourself mister!
- Jason -
 

Simian, when they had all those monkeys work on typewriters, were you there?
Guido http://www.looneyland.net
Yes I was indeed one of a thousand monkeys typing on a thousand typewriters. However, instead of writing a Shakespearian play, I wound up writing episodes for Dawson's Creek and Nash Bridges. Man, how embarrassing is that? Needless to say, that's how I got my job here.
- Simian -
 

Does this skirt make my butt look fat?
Ladeeda
Compared to what?
- Jason -
What an extremely creepy and disturbing question. Thanks for fueling my nightmares, Ladeeda.
- Simian -
 

One time, this guy's dog killed a rabbit. there was bloody fur everywhere. HI?
maggie catwoman@dork.com
Hey Maggie, could you hold that cue card up? What's it say again? Oh yeah, 'Eeek'. And with that cryptic comment, I'm going to get a beer.
- Simian -
 

Why isnt there a remake of king kong?????
Mike
What?? Are you kidding??? ? I sure don't want to be squooshed under a gigantic stinky ape foot, do you? TRUST ME, you DON'T! Didn't we learn anything from Jurrassic Park? Who's the brains behind all this mayhem? That's right, it's your Mama.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Mike seems a little too excited about this King Kong remake business. Or maybe it's just a deep, perpetual love of King Kong. Well after 2 Kong films, the franchise was done in when Kong decided to go into directing B movies, like Monkey's Got a Gun, Primate Pandemonium, and Kill Monkey Kill. Ah, King Kong - he never made a bad film.
- Simian -
 

There's this girl at school.  She's real cute and all.  How can I get her to like me?
Jenn Dolari http://home.austin.rr.com/dolari
Stuff a polish sausage down your pants, buy a Porsche, wear expensive watches and rings, and buy her stuff.  Alternately, you could drug her, and imprison her in your attic for 5 months while you brainwash her into thinking you're the greatest person in the world.  Option 2 is more effective, but also a little more risky since law enforcement tends to frown on that practice.
- Jason -
 

What's the sky made of?
Jenn Dolari http://home.austin.rr.com/dolari
Guts 'n' bugs 'n' stuff. . .
- Jason -
... And birds, and smog, and some debris from botched Russian space jobs, and deadly atomic particles from Jason's re-entry accident, and a hole as big as Texas...
- Elvis Shortliver -
Delicious powdered Tang. At least in my world it is.
- Simian -
 

That Billy Dude on Temptation Island is a studmuffin. Looks like a guy I shagged a while ago. Anyways, what would your guy's interpretation of "Tempation Island"?
Lucy
Temptation Island is the sleaziest form of manipulation of the sacred relationships between two long term mates that has ever reared its ugly head on the airwaves.  Additionally, to glean entertainment value out of the emotional misery of others is truly pathetic.  Having said that, I think the kindergarten teacher single on the show is a major babe, and I think Billy and his chic are history, but I won't know until I tune in next week. . .
- Jason -
Oh, NOW I get it! All this time I thought it was called "Castration Island" - well, THAT changes things a bit, now doesn't it?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What is the history of Talking Rocks cavern?
Anonymous
What? I didn't say anything. Oh, I thought I heard you say something. Nope it wasn't me. There, did you hear that? Nope. It sounded like someone was coming in here. Well, I didn't hear it - oh yeah I DO hear it. Oh, no! What should we do? Let's hide. Okay. Where? Hmm, maybe they'll just go away if we're quiet. Shh - here they come...
- Elvis Shortliver -