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OFFICIAL ARCHIVES
January 24, 2000

The Check's In The Email Occasionally we receive offers for people to pay us money if we allow them to put advertising on our page. Seeing as how money is the root of all evil, or at least a little evil (see Celene Dion, Martin Short, or Carter Van Hunkinstaple - my parole officer) I would have to say that this page is NOT only about money! That's right! It's about love. It's about being enriched with flour... I mean enlightening thoughtful concepts, not just about how much money is in my bank account! I make alot of money collecting cans, and they can't make me stop! I love cans! Some are yellow & crunched, while others are partly full, which makes for an interesting experiment! Cans are the greatest! So for those of you fitting into this incredibly wonderful hobby of mine, here is our policy on advertising:

1 - We want self cleaning cans & bottles, so we don't get so icky when we collect them!

2 - We want the redemption amounts increased to at least double what the can weighs, and we want bottling companies to randomly place empty cans all over the world, so our chances of finding them are at least as good as finding a homeless person or a crumpled cup! We hate crumpled cups!

3 - We want bottle caps to be worth something too! At least a penny, if not two!

4 - We want a Lear Jet with a full tank of fuel, and we want a total ban on lobster trapping & the consumption of shellfish! And some gum too! Waaah!

DISCLAIMER
The Three Amigos at Wackyadvice would like to submit a formal apology to you the readers for Elvis' minor conniption fit in the above paragraph.

You see, when Elvis was a young boy, his pet lobster was killed as a result of a horrible misunderstanding with a carpet cleaning service telemarketer. After extensive therapy, Elvis was finally able to suppress those painful memories. Unfortunately, Jason--in his good-will inspired euphoric state--spiked Elvis' drink with some of his leftover Penicillin in hopes of making Elvis happier. The penicillin interacted with the high doses of chocolate (from chocolate waffles) in Elvis' system, and banana residue left on the coffee table by Simian, which caused a retrieval of all of those terrible times from Elvis' vast subconscious mind.

If we offended anyone (excluding the telemarketer), we offer our amends, and assure you the reader that Elvis will be poked repeatedly with chocolated coated shish-ka-bob skewers until he is able to re-suppress his painful memories and become a pseudo-functional member of Wacky Advice like the rest of us.

Sponsored By
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THIS WEEK

What is the best way to reshape cat fur balls that have become flattened from several months of sitting in the bottom of a desk drawer?
SpunkyMunky spunkymunky1@hotmail.com
You know, if you asked PETA this, they would have found out where you live, knocked down your door, and ransacked your entire house looking for evidence while you were down at the county hospital having your stomach pumped! These Jeffrey Dahmer type tendencies must stop now!
- Elvis Shortliver -
PS - I have a great Szechwan tabby marinade if you want the recipe.
Soak the fur balls in warm milk for 2 hours. Add a few drops of chilled Vermouth and used motor oil. Roll the fur balls in your hand until they are really sticky. Rinse and repeat. If this fails, just ask the cat to make you some more.
- Simian -
Resubmit them to your cat for "reprocessing"? It's usually harder to do the second time around because cats as a general rule of thumb don't normally include hair as a main staple of their feline diets.
- Jason -

Is it just me or is the phrase "lug nuts" really funny? Try saying it over and over again -- "lug nuts, lug nuts, lug nuts." See? I bet you're smiling now.
Big Ed donkpunch@maiermedia.com
Yes I am indeed smiling right now, Big Ed. However I think it has less to do with "lug nuts" and more to do with all the Valium I've taken. Valium, Valium, Valium. That's the beauty of tranquilizers.
- Simian -

How does a blind man know when to stop wiping his arse?
John fried_cheese@hotmail.com
Oh geeze I just know I'm gonna regret it, but I'll take a stab at answering this one: I think they use braille toilet paper.
- Jason -

Why is it when a women gets a flat tire... and attempts to begin changing it... that almost 1/2 the men passing beep there horns and the other half stop to ask if she needs assistance? signed 36-24-36
debbie :o) quintegirl@xoommail.com
Wow - is THAT all I have to do to get a 50/50 chance at having my car tuned up for free? Thanks, Debbie! Time for a makeover - again.
- Elvis Shortliver -

- Question of the Week -

So, how come you guys don't have a "Question of the week", where the best question wins prizes, like paper clips and stuff. I think this would get people to try really hard and come up with good questions, because everybody wants paper clips.
Dominius "Out Of Staples" Mookpiloh mookpiloh@hotmail.com
We are indeed thinking of having such an honor bestowed upon one of our delightful questioners. However instead of paper clips as a prize, how about live piranhas being dropped down your pants? Or maybe a lifetime supply of dead batteries? Or free tickets to a Yanni concert? After all, everyone loves Yanni……
- Simian -
Paper clips are the larval form of coat hangers. If you can find two coat hangers, put them in your closet and wait two weeks. Look in your desk drawer. You'll have plenty of paper clips to entertain you, poke your eyes out, prod your brain with, etc. After another two weeks, you'll have more coat hangers than a redneck trailer park full of TV's with broken antennas. We haven't exactly figured out how they get from the closet to the desk and back, but we think it's some sort of trans-dimensional cross-cultural phenomenon that involves the warping of space-time. Oh, and Grape Jelly. I forgot to mention the grape jelly.
- Jason -

Can your eyes really pop out of their sockets if you sneeze with them taped open?
carrie daisydukedavis@hotmail.com
No, that is an urban legend, similar to the guy who crazy glued all of his openings shut & survived on his body's own waste matter, or the woman who got pregnant by eating human DNA tainted caviar. I do know that your eyes are made of rubber strands wrapped very tightly & have been used in national tournaments by Tiger Woods & Alice Cooper.
- Elvis Shortliver -

Thanks Elvis! I got the hapsters, now can you send bandages?
Blonde blonde@wwwjustin.com
Number 1: Oh omniscient Blonde, Elvis didn't send you squat, except maybe a small jar of ear wax last month. I, however sent you hamsters --That's right, me, moi, mich -- Jason.
Number 2: What the fork is a hapster?
Number 3: Are the bandages for you or the hamsters?
Number 4: Please don't abuse the hamsters.
- Jason -
Sure, but please keep a lid on it, ok? My Uncle Sal, the retired WW1 (yes WW1) veteran, has been trying to figure out why his Korean alarm clock hasn't been working, and I almost have him convinced that it is his hearing aid batteries.
- Elvis Shortliver -

If M&M's are supposed to melt in your mouth, not your hands, why do I have blue spots all over mine, huh?!! They really throw people off, let me tell you!
Jennifer robertjennifer75@cs.com
Have you been eating paint ball pellets again, Jennifer? We have been trying to get them to change that package so it looks more like a bag of gunpowder, but I secretly think the manufacturer is from Germany & likes to torture people with his ammunition & his horrible liverwurst breakfast beverages.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Those spots aren't from those exceptionally delicious M&M's Jennifer. That's what's known as leprosy. You may want to put some ointment on that….
- Simian -
Are the blue spots on your hands or your M&M's? If they're on the M&M's, it means you've found the magic bag of M&M's that will grant wishes if you rub it. If the blue spots are on your hands, it means you have become infected with a mutated strain of the ebola virus. According to the CDC, you have approximately 47 minutes before you spontaneously implode. . . Personally, I hope you found the magic bag.
- Jason -

If the new millennium doesn't actually start until 2001... should I wait in my basement until then or will it be ok to come out for a few months ?
Pablo pablo@crapco.com
Look Pablo, if Dick Clark can still walk around without disintegrating into a big heap of oily hair gel, then there is no reason to fear the new millennium. Unless of course you owe money to a band of roving rogue circus midgets. In that case, I’d say stay in the basement for a year or two.
- Simian -
Your BASEMENT?!! What are you gonna do when the main sewer line stops working, and all of the waste water starts filling up down there? Do you have one of those protective suits, or a pump run by riding a bicycle or something? If I were you, I'd rethink your plans, Pablo. I've already got my section of the main sewer drain picked out as my "Y2K Pad" - oh you may think I'm crazy now, but we'll just see who is laughing in the end!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!
- Elvis Shortliver -

was up
mavis
Um, Mavis. . . I think you forgot the noun. Try this one: "Puff Daddy".
- Jason -

What do you call those thingies with the spinning dooverlackies on the sliding whatsamacallit? You know, the ones with those moving gizmos that keep those weird looking thingummyjigs from hitting the greasy whatsits. Also, are they suitable for farnarkling?
OzzyPedro
Those doohickies that are the whirling about the pixilated smooggie are really giant vapulated boondoggles that hornswaggle the fusarole and stop the whiffler from getting all wonky with flump. And while the jigthingy is indeed malmy, I wouldn’t recommend going all fribble on it as it can narfbagger your brain cells.
- Simian -

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