Twinkle was a 3 year old toy poodle.  He was white, furry, about 4 pounds, and very energetic.  In fact, Twinkle was so energetic that his neighbors would put antifreeze in his water dish to make him settle down.  Twinkle used to love to roam the neighborhood on his own, free to smell the flowers, chase bugs, and crap in whoever's yard he wanted.  One particularly bright sunny fall day, Twinkle in an antifreeze induced stupor was staggering down the road to whiz in Ms. McMurdough's flowers and kill them for the third time.  As he approached the flowers, Twinkle heard an awful, thunderous sound, and felt the earth begin to rumble.  It was Nasty McVictimHater barreling down on little Twinkle in his giant Wal-Mart Superstore Sized SUV that got .001 mpg and was used only to drive Nasty to and from work 2 miles away.  Twinkle tried to run, but the ethylene glycol in the antifreeze had slowed the nerve impulses from his tiny little brain, and he could only lie helpless as the SUV closed in.  Fortunately for Twinkle, the SUV had Fibrestoner tires, and as luck would have it, as soon as the front tire contacted little Twinkle's body, the tread separated, and the tire blew out causing the others to blow out too. The goliath SUV tumbled end over end into Ms. McMurdough's flower bed, and burst into flames, incinerating Nasty, and burning innocent Ms. McMurdough's house to the ground.  Twinkle hobbled home.  Ms. McMurdough secured a litigation attorney and sued Nasty McVictimHater's family for $10,000,000 -- so much that they had to get jobs of their own instead of leaching off daddy and husband who was only in his overpaid position because his father-in-law put him there.  It was then that they realized the world is a tough place for working class people, especially for McVictimHater's wife and children who had never worked and weren't qualified for anything.  They promptly repented for all of the awful things they had done to the poor, downtrodden, and unfortunate, and changed their political affiliation to Democrat.

The End.

Why do people look at me funny whenever I tell them my kid's names?
Whinny Hopalong
Maybe because Accident, Daddysinprison and Whatthehelliswrongwithyou aren't real spiffy names for kids.
- Simian -
Is it your crazy Arabian accent? That's usually why people laugh at me when I tell them MY name. Who knew my mother was trying to learn to spell in Braille when she named me?
- Elvis Shortliver -
Probably because you named your daughter "Hoover Candy Hopalong", your son "Meat Thumper Hopalong", and your other daughter "B. J. Hopalong". . .
- Jason -
 

I have found more news on this "butt sausage". It seems it is attached to me. It also seems it is camouflaged to look like my butt. Can you help me? Please help Jason Vorhees, Elvis Presely, and the very cute little pygmy marmoset from Asia!
Eddie the cat
Imagine what this question would be like if I could make any sense out of it! I have no idea what Eddie the Cat is talking about and you know what? I'm too looped on Valium to really care! Got tranquilizers?
- Simian -
 

Is your delinquent having sex with my honor student?
Whinny Hopalong
No, but my neighbor's underachieving, scraggly ass, loser, can't-stay-awake-at-the-wheel-because-he's drugged-out, dope fiend son is probably kicking the crap out of your honor student at this very moment.
- Jason -
 

Why do homeless guys always want my money? Can't they get jobs, like normal people?! Geez!
Shmiley Johnnyboy3731@Aol.com
Give your Mom & Dad a break, will ya Shmiley??
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Ok i really like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but I like the peanut butter on the top and the jelly on the bottom.  Somehow EVERYTIME, be it me or my mom making it, the jelly ends up on top!  Please help me solve this dilemma oh brilliant and gracious ones...
Margarita...
Well here's the easy answer: instead of jelly use anchovies. Boy, there is nothing like peanut butter and anchovies sandwiches. They're both crunchy and gooey at the same time. But if you want an even simpler answer to you're rather difficult quandary try this; don't eat sandwiches.
- Simian -
 

How come i got an email from elvis shortliver saying it had a virus and do not open for the subject???????????????
Mike
Sorry, I had a wicked bad cold that day. The Nyquil made me do some uncharacteristic things, like recite The Iliad in pig-latin, write a fictional account of Stephen Hawking's Planet Of Doom: Narc 3D, and email random people to warn them of Millennium Doom. That's all.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Because you got an earlier email that had a virus, thanks to someone who's apparently new to this whole concept that the world isn't always a fun, happy, sunny, nerfland, and that there are some A$$#@7&S out there who will take advantage of your naiveté if you don't take precautions.  Elvis was warning you genius.
- Jason -
 

What, exactly, causes meat to go stinky? Lack of companionship?
Shmiley www.thespark.com/health/stinkymeat
(Unbelievable Shmiley didn't see this coming) --- That's not really meat.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why can't FLAGG ever spell my name right? It's not Mcshmiley, it's not snaily, it's Shmiley!
Shmiley Johnnyboy3731@Aol.com
Sorry about that SmileyMcHosemister.  We'll make sure he's privy to those mistakes pronto.
- Jason -
 

Where does this "jester" guy live that wants to marry simian... the love of my life.. the primate of my dreams... I'll go paleozoic on his A$$ !
Pablo http://www.allcrap.net
I'm starting to feel a little like Jodie Foster here. There just isn't enough marmoset to go around, is there? Well, at least I'm not getting love letters from that foul, monkey-troll puppet, Bad Andy. If that happens Pablo, then I'm giving you my prized Louisville slugger so you can go as prehistoric as you need to.
- Simian -
I'm withholding the answer here in favor of being entertained by paleozoology, or whatever it is. Unless it's just an old dude shaking his walker sternly at us, because that would be pretty lame.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why did you post your questions early this week? You put them up on Sunday not Monday. Can you even tell time? Are you over the International Dateline? Are blind and drunk stupidly staggering from bar to bar in search of a friend?
Mr. Bob
I question the inference within this question. Sounds like Mr. Bob stopped talking about us after the second line. It's all right Mr. Bob. You're secret is safe with us: we have a lot of mentally unstable visitors.
- Simian -
Well, you're partly right on several points.  Simian can't tell time.  I bought her a wristwatch for Christmas one year, and she peed on it.  Then she screeched and threw it at me.  We are over the international dateline, but it depends on which direction the earth is spinning, and where you are relative to Uranus.  And yes, most of the time we are blind drunk and stupidly staggering, but it's in search of a beer.  Why just last night, I tripped over Elvis on my way to the refrigerator for a refill, and dang near crushed the monkey.
- Jason -
 

My question is, if Simian is a monkey, is she Bad Andy's lover? Is she going to write a tell-all novel about how they kept on stealing each other's booze. Do tell, girlfriend!
Tahmeekah Lahsheekah
What? Bad Andy?! That dog-eared, low-life hand puppet is NO substitute for Poppin' Fresh, the delicious and savory demi-god of buttery pastry treats! My darling, sweet Poppin' Fresh! Damn that restraining order! Even worse, Bad Andy can't hold a candle to that other doughy lump of charming smirking goodness, Bill Shatner. And he ain't no Pablo, either. Just what kind of monkey do you take me for, sister?
- Simian -
 

My question is, if Jason does, by any chance, get inaugrated, how does he feel about the porn situation?
Tahmeekah Lahsheekah
Do you mean the present porn situation at the White House, the A$$ screwing we're all gonna get when Bush takes over, or porn on the internet?
- Jason -
 

My question is, if Elvis had to choose, I think it's safe to say he would choose Japanese Techno Music over British Rap Music. What say you, dear Elvis?
Tahmeekah Lahsheekah
Donkey boy nice Tang competition! Any howdy big shaky deal for you has bang! But I may be wrong.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Who, on this site, is more qualified to give advice? First thought would be Jason because generally presidential canidates have a degree in a college of some sort ... however, I don't know ANY of ANY of your guys' stats, but I do know I used to see a therapist for two years, therefore, I am more qualified. But since I can't answer this question myself, I'll turn to you guys: Why won't my brother ever die?!
Lucy
So, you need a college degree to figure out if someone is alive or dead? Is that what you're saying Lucy? You can't just look at a person and say, "Hey! He's standing upright AND he's breathing! He must be alive!" You mean to tell me that it takes an undergraduate degree to figure this out? Well, I'll be.  Your brother is not dead yet because he's still alive. And until he is no longer alive then he won't be dead. Does that clear things up?
- Simian -
Speaking for myself, I graduated Magnum P.I. from Hopi Chappaquiticaplarantoficulikkk Institute with a degree in Embellishism. I know, that doesn't qualify me to be of any help to most people, but I do have a minor in tea-totalling, so you can plainly see that will make up for my lack of intellect. Who knew I'd be so good at this whole advice scam! It sure as hell isn't from personal experience! Did I say scam? Umm... Uhh... By the way, he's not your brother, either. Hey, did I mention that I have a degree in tea-totalling??
- Elvis Shortliver -
You can find my stats by clicking on my head (the one with the brain, OK, the one with the bigger brain) at the top of the page.  I think you'll find I'm more than qualified to answer warp theory questions.  I figure, human psyche, warp theory, if you understand one, how hard can the other concept be.

Now in response to your actual question, your brother won't die because he is a one of the "undead".  Look for these warning signs:  Smell of brain on his breath or in his room.  Unexplained brain fragments in his car or room.  Unexplained decomposing flesh.  His insistence that you let him thump your head like a melon to see if it's ripe.  A slow staggering gate.  A tendency to walk with arms extended.  Inability to return a date home with her brain intact.  If you see any of these warning signs, you should cut him into small pieces and burn them at the nearest crematorium.
- Jason -
 

Does Simian say, "Eeek Eeek" at the top of the page because she's scared of all the people who ask her questions?
Lucy
What I'm actually saying is "Eeek! Eeek!" This translates to means "Bill Shatner's got a nice skull". And boy, does he ever.
- Simian -
 

Did you know you didn't answer any of my questions last week? Sure Jason, I'll come and watch Battlebota nd drink some beer tommorow. Also, Simian you can all the booze, since it is good food.
Anonymous
Obviously "Anonymous" has started drinking early in preparation for Battlebots at Wackyadvice.
- Jason -
 

I fell down the stairs in front of alot of people at school today.  Why did that have to happen?
Guido http://www.looneyland.net
Well, stop squirming around while you're riding on the Stairmaster! Sheesh, why does everybody always do that??
- Elvis Shortliver -
Because nobody likes you, and you were pushed?
- Jason -
 

Is the X-files the most triptacular show on TV or what??  My boyfriend doesn't think so... and when he tells me that I find my self wanting to shoot him.  Is that wrong?
Rapunzel
Yeah! The X-Files rocks! Did you see the one where the alien hybrid was chasing the 2 FBI dudes, and then the "stinking man" appeared and told them it was part of the master plan, so they shot the alien and a car blew up with more FBI dudes in it, and the alien ship flew away and they were all pissed off and Mulder's sister was a phoney? It was aaawesome!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Can ya dig it?
Bobo The Hobo
I can dig graves. Are we talking about digging graves?
- Simian -
 

What's with that afro, elvis?
Bobo The Hobo
Nuthin'.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Did you know that "racecar" backwards is "This chicken sandwich tastes like beef"?
Wojit
I question your grasp of the English language, Wojit. I mean, everyone knows that 'racecar' spelled backwards is 'coagulated'.
- Simian -
 

We all know that human characteristics are passed from generation to generation by heredity.  Does this mean that a bodybuilder's children will be born with tiny nads?
Guido http://www.looneyland.net
Yeah, probably.  Big pecs and a small peck- 
(And Jason is hauled off to profanity reform school.)
- Jason -