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Since our last episode, Jason developed a severe wheat infection after consuming 14 Samuel Adams winter wheat beers and eating a half pound bag of self-rising flour. His physician prescribed a standard regimen of bed rest and penicillin. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to his physician, Jason -- due to his alien physiology -- reacted to the penicillin in the same manner that a normal person would react to high doses of Valium and Prozac.  Unable to stay in bed because of his insatiable need to spread love and peace among his adopted human brothers and sisters, Jason gathered Elvis and Simian together and -- much to their horror -- proceeded to engage in frequent and prolonged group hugs.  Despite several attempts at snapping him out of it, including several exciting hours of electro-shock therapy, Jason remained euphoric and took it upon himself to continue spreading peace and love throughout the land.

THIS WEEK

?sdrawkcab si ailartsuA ni gnihtyreve dias ohW
ordePyzzO sseldnim@ysggib
Its not so much that everything is backwards in Australia, but its all those damn dingoes, wallabies, and washed up actors Down Under.
- Simian -
 

Who's your daddy?
John fried_cheese@hotmail.com
The Birth of My Brother by Elvis Shortliver 
I could hear the commotion coming from under the Christmas tree. My Dad stoking the poker by the light of the fire, my Mother screaming in pain as she was wrapping the last of the presents. I crept down the stairs to see what was the matter. "Get back to bed, elvis!" shouted my Dad, sternly waving his hot poker, and I went back to bed. An hour later, as I looked out the window, I saw him - only it was not as I had always pictured it to be. There were no reindeer or even a sleigh - just a big ball of fire hurtling straight towards my house. Back down the stairs I go, where I see my Dad arguing with - a man in a red jumpsuit with a pitch fork! Suddenly, they start dueling, Dad yelling "Get back to bed, elvis!" - Sadly when I awoke, my father had disappeared with the presents. He filed for divorce later that year. My half-brother was born that violent night - took me 7 damn years of therapy to get over it. "Get back to bed, elvis!" - SHEESH! All I wanted was a little excitement! 
- Elvis Shortliver -
Technically I don't have a father. I was cloned from a panda, a bumblebee, and Michael J. Fox. But that's OK, and I'm OK, and You're OK too. You just always remember that you're unique -- just like everyone else.
- Jason -
 

I don't have time to read Reader's Digest. Is there a Cliff's Notes for it?
Big Ed donkpunch@maiermedia.com
I went down town to Howie's Used Books & Keno and did a little research. I found a deck of cards explaining the X-Files conspiracy episodes, a newspaper King James version of The Holy Bible (it looked like it was written in pig-latin) & a condensed synopsis of Ally McBeal on a roll of toilet paper. If I know Reader's Digest, I'm sure they make it. The truth is out there, whether you want it or not.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

O.K. I have had laryngitis for about 2 weeks or so... my question is... when would it be a good time to buy a new hamster?
Blonde Blonde@wwwjustin.com
It pains me greatly to know that you need a replacement hamster. In fact, it made me feel so sad, that I went out and bought you a great big box of hamsters and I'm sending them to you now. I'll send you some cages and those little hamster wheels next week when I get some more money. Where's Elvis, I'm feeling like a group hug right now.
- Jason -
After you've dislodged the old hamster from your esophagus.
- Simian -
 

I've been rather sick all week, so I decided, rather than think up an actual question, I'm just gonna use my magic 8-ball to give YOU an answer. Ready? "The number you have dialed is no longer in service". There it is.
Dominius "This is my real e-mail address" Mookpiloh mookpiloh@hotmail.com
And the question is: Are you feeling a little sad Dominus? I can read between the lines, and I know you're feeling blue. Come on over here Simian. Come here Elvis, I think we need to give Dominus a GREAT BIG HUG! And afterwards, maybe we can help him take over the world like he's always wanted to. I bet that would cheer him up!
- Jason -
 

Is it possible to be too funny? And if it is, what happens?  Do the people laughing at your jokes just explode? Or do they slowly disintegrate?
Jen marjen@bit.net.au
Umm, the only people that I know who actually laugh at our jokes have been diagnosed as being legally insane, mentally challenged, or chemically imbalanced. I urge you now, as I have in the past, to call your doctor ASAP for a physical examination. For the sake of all of us! 
- Elvis Shortliver -
Depends on whether I shoot them with my Acme disentigrat-o ray gun, or my BFG 9000.<unholstering BFG 9000> do I hear you laughing? <penicillin kicks in> <reholstering BFG 9000>, awwww, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that. Come here Jen, come on over here Simian, let's just have a big group hug right now.
- Jason -
 

What do mimes taste like?
Jen marjen@bit.net.au
Depends on where they've been. Some mimes taste like coffee grinds, some like dirt. But mostly, mimes taste like canned Alpo.
-Simian -
 

If civilization has had vacuums and brooms and windex for years and years, how come things keep getting dirty?  Couldn't we just build a gigantic "megamaid" like in spaceballs and rid the planet of dust and grime forever?
Shane toysrmine@juno.com
Behold, the power of cheese. Sorry. Remember in that movie about the dog who they kept washing & washing but he was so dirty that he couldn't get his dog license, so they had to put him down, and the children sued their parents for ruining their childhood & ended up killing them by accident on the way to court? I swear I saw it on the Family Channel. Total Filth. Also, where does toilet water actually go? Does it run down to the South Pole & then do they drink it? It's a mystery.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I live in Eastern Alaskain a town on the border of Canada. My neighbor refuses to speak to me in English because of this. I am not very good at French dialect. How can we resolve this decade long dispute? I'd like to marry his daughter this year.
Geofreak halford@alloymail.com
I think you should go to the local store and purchase a bear trap, and. .. <penicillin kicks in> I think you should sit down with him and open up to him emotionally. Tell him how much you love his daughter, and how much it would mean to you to if he'd call you his son, and tell him you're feeling vulnerable. That's right, let all those feelings out. Then, I think you two should give each other a great big hug because after all, hugs are an international language.
- Jason -
 

Why don't they just digitally tag all the criminals with some kind of a button, that way if they commit a crime, we can just push his button & give him a zap?
Dav davio@fabcorp.com
I think that's what they tried to do with that irksome Regis Philbin and see how he turned out! The chair's too good for him.
- Simian -
A zap? I think we oughta put those explosive collars on. . .<penicillin kicks in> That wouldn't be very warm and fuzzy now would it? I think all those mean incorrigible criminals need is a big bowl of chicken soup, some warm fuzzy slippers, and a GREAT BIG HUG. Then, maybe when they've been rehabilitated, they'll go out and spread warmth and peace.
- Jason -
 

If I put three Beanie Babies in the microwave, what will happen?  Will they get big and poofy like marshmallows?  I'd try myself, but I blew my microwave up while trying the same thing with Zippo lighters. Please help!  I MUST KNOW!!!
O.B.1 Canshowme _009_@spyring.com
Beanie Babies tend to absorb microwaves like Godzilla absorbed punches from Gamera. So if you try to cook them like a frozen burrito you'll have to soak them in gasoline first in order to get them oh-so crispy.
- Simian -
I tried to simulate this by filling a Zip-Lock bag with baked beans (I even included some brown bread to simulate the stuffing). At 45 seconds, the bag expanded & got very brown. At 90 seconds, the bag burst with an explosion that only equals the explosion after consuming a bag of baked beans & brown bread. I can only assume that after one beanie baby popped, the other two would be holding their noses & screaming to get out. The moral: Franks & Beanie Babies are lethal.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

When you're on a first date, and there's an inevitable awkward silence, is it more polite to fill the conversation by a) humming Hanson's number one pop tune "Mmm-Bop" or b) screaming insane profanity-filled abuse at your cutlery or c) fantasizing about the cast of "Saved By The Bell"? I have a date tonight, so hurry up.
AfroDiziac mpgalvin@eircom.net
Just walk away, Renee. And don't look back when you hear the spoons trying to catch up with the forks. They have been through this many times.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Here are some helpful ways to alleviate the breaks in conversation that happen on a first date:
1. Ask the people at adjacent tables for food from their plates.
2. Make absurd facial gestures at other patrons. Do this as often as possible.
3. Read a newspaper or a book when the conversation lags.
4. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.
- Simian -