Ahhh , So I see the USA has cravings for the days of the cold war. Why ? I hear you cry in demented torment whilst remove the lit firecracker from your rear end . Which your elder brother put there as a prank. Why? Because once again the CIA are back in the Whitehouse ruling through the commands of the BUSH syndicate. "God bless America , And F#$% the rest !". I believe that's the opening line of the inauguration . And when sworn in the President shall be asked "Do you swear to the tell truth , the Whole truth and nothing but the truth". The President elect will then rise to his feet and address his nation. "Are you out of your f#$%ing mind ? Hell no I'm not going to tell the truth. That's why I've hired Hillary Clinton as my Director of PR ! Jesus.H.Christ . Have you ever known a politician to tell the truth ( he said whilst holding his daddies hand)? No, Oh , well there was that gump Washington. So what if he did cut down a tree. Daddy cut of whole nations using trade embargoes. And mummy threatened to cut of his tackle if he ever behaved like Bill Clinton. but daddy said that would never happen. Not unless he could get his hands on some Viagra". So once again civilization was safe in the knowledge that Sesame Street would be the ruling policy when in diplomatic affairs. And the rest of the world cringed and masturbated there last hopes for mankind down the plughole. The End

If you would like to find out more about the realms of politics and how you can be financially abused by the system. Please see your local lawyer and ask him how much his bill will be if you have insurance. Good bye playmates.
- Crispian Floyde -

Uhh, no thanks on the realms of politics thing, Crispian! 
We're all set right now, okay?

Hey Simian, I was cleaning out my desk and I found that hairball from your cat that you sent me. It smells funny now, is that normal? I'm a bit concerned.
SpunkyMunky
I must say I'm a little concerned that you're actually sniffing balls of cat fur, SpunkyMunky. I'd be even more concerned if said ball of fur started to grow teeth and growled occasionally. However, the best thing to do is to duct tape that bad-boy to your bathroom wall and spray it repeatedly with Raid. If it starts to make any noise, back away slowly and call the police.
- Simian -
That's not a hairball.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Would you rather have 1 breast the size of a soccar ball, or a whole bunch of little ones, like grapes?
Katie
How about 3 the size of baseballs?  The soccer ball size could cause injury, and the grape size is, well, just freakish.  It would be like rubbing someone with a bad rash.  Now 4 the size of tennis balls wouldn't be bad, and I personally prefer 2 the size of softballs, but anything smaller than 5 golf balls is just creepy.
- Jason -
 

Am I the only one in this world who finds it funny when someone's 95 year old grandma falls off the roof and lands face first in a branch shredder? I mean, is it really that bad to find humor in this situation? C'mon, I know y'all would laugh like a hyena at the funeral.
CarNut http://www.geocities.com/carnut1508723
Hey! My own Uncle died this past week! And you're talking about laughing at someone's misfortunes while standing at the ceremony summarizing their entire life?? Are you sick? Are you smoking that crack again? You should have just stayed the HELL away from Mac Daddy, that's what you should have done! Laughin' at a funeral! Bad!
- Elvis Shortliver -
CarNut, You're a sick evil bastard!  Now a branch shredder falling off the roof onto someone's 95 year old grandma -- that makes me chuckle! 
- Jason -
 

Hey.. Hey, Simian!  Why do people call it "Spanking the monkey?"  and how do you feel about that? 
The Jester
Apparently some people believe they have monkeys living in their pants. I find this quite strange, since most primates don't wear pants. And even if a person did have an infestation of monkeys in their trousers, why would anyone spank them? Just give them some bananas and call the zoo. Jeeze, it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out.
- Simian -
 

I do not have a large penis! (Can I say penis? I sure hope I can say penis!) And I know they say "It's not the size of the bot but the morion of the ocean!" But here's my dilemma, I'm a dingy!!! Should I join a boy-band?
Frankie Bones www.itchy.com
Dinghys don't stay afloat on the kind of waves you'll need.  I suggest you try to overinflate the dinghy to about 120% of it's rated pressure.  It's no yacht, but it will at least get you in the ball park of a canoe.
- Jason -
 

Ok still with the picture thingy ... who is better looking me or Schmiley?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
What? No multiple choice? Uh, can I use a lifeline on this one? 
- Simian -
 

How late is too late to make a New Years resolution?  Last year it took me way too long to come up with one, and eventually I had to refer to it as my Arbor Day resolution.
Wild Bill
How about just saving your Arbor Day resolution until January 1st? Then on January 1st, right at the toll of the 12th bell, scream it out at the top of your lungs! Something like "THIS YEAR I'M GOING TO STOP MOONING MYSELF IN THE MIRROR!" or "I'M NEVER WEARING A CUMMERBUND TO SCHOOL AGAIN!" or even "STOP STARING AT ME!" should work just fine in a large drunken crowd that are freezing their butts off! It beats that stupid Arbor Day crap, right?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Going over this week's questions I noticed that only one person dared to answer any one of my questions is this because I have hit upon each one of your areas of expertise?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
I don't recall any questions about megadyne graviton particle accelerators yet?
- Jason -
 

Hi guys! I'm actually not dead! (see Christmas special) They found me in my apartment in a coma. They say I'm lucky to be alive. Anyway, I bought some late Christmas presents. For Simian booze to get you all drunk. Elvis you get Electro Gel 2000 for your big, poofy afro. Jason you can have some penicillin to make you all kewl and groovy. I have more than one question so i'll put them in a list. 1. Can I have your liver and/or kidneys, Elvis? The damn nurses say my liver is 60% dead cells and one of my kidneys is inflamed. 2. Can I hire any of you to be a hitman and kill Mr. Lardlumps for me? I'll give you a shiny 2001 penny. (I'll also give you 56 shares of Snackwurst if you kill George W. Bush, too.) 3. Can you send me a nice get well card? I'm still in the insane asylum because the damn nurses thought I was wacko when they found me. (You would be insane too if you ever had such a bad hangover.) 
P.S I'm sure Emanuel didn't do it.
Mr. Bob (I'm back!)
Eh?  What are you saying Mr. Bob!  That I'm not normally cool and groovy!?  Why you ass. . . <Elvis injects Jason with 3cc of penicillin>.  Geee, thanks Mr. Bob.  That was awfully groovy of you.  Why don't you stop by next Tuesday, and we'll all kick back in the official WackyAdvice recliners with a beer and watch BattleBots?  Then we'll watch Simian get drunk and pee on Mr. Lardlumps' prized orchid.
- Jason -
I got very confused by this question. However I noticed that Mr. Bob bought me some booze. Sadly, he expects me to actually share it. But I wanted to answer this question - I just didn't know where to start. So I had delicious marshmallow fluff sandwich instead.
- Simian -
Uhh, okay Mr. Bob. I know this isn't really hair gel.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

There's this mascot for Domino's Pizza named Bad Andy. What everybody is wondering tho, is what the hell is Bad Andy? Is he a monkey? A bear? A species-less muppet character. I turn to you.
Lucy
Bad Andy is a Socksloth from the planet Morono.  They're well known as the greedy self-centered little bastards of the universe.  They're also prone to stealing things.  We used to vaporize them on sight, but apparently one made it to Earth, and Domino's hasn't yet realized it's not a freaking puppet.  I just hope they're insured.
- Jason -
Andy is Elian's evil twin. Would that make him a monkey? No, just a bad little troll.
- Simian -
 

It is my opinion that poo is the only fully cross cultural element of humor.  Wanna make something of it?
I'll Rub Poo In Your Face
Hi there, I'll Rub Poo In Your Face! Hey, guess what? I'm Gonna Rub Poo In Your Face! Did someone do a dooty? Oh Gosh, I'm real sorry - I thought you were threatening me. Wait a minute! I just had a thought! Do you think Mom would still let us play with the Play-Doh if she knew that it was really our poo? Nah.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

What's up? Bobo The Hobo Oh, sorry <ziiiip>. - Jason -

OzzyPedro Predicts "."

If I post 3 questions in one night, do I get a prize? And also... when I try to go to www.iwanttoassasinatethepresident.gov people come to my house. They wear black. They take me away and poke me with little shocker thingies. Why?
Boo www.angelfire.com/games3/HalfLife
Nope, you accidentally clicked on the link to Hot Pokers Anonymous. They all think they are cured, but SOME of us know better, right Simian??
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Did somebody say McDonalds??
Ladeeda
No, I said "Who's your Mac Daddy?"
- Jason -
 

What is it with dogs and mail carriers anyway?
Guido http://www.looneyland.net
Mail carriers smell like Snausages. I don't know why, but they do. I think its part of the job requirement. You know, like all those 'singers' in boy bands have to be gay or something. It's one of those things that just is.
- Simian -
What's this about dogs and mail carriers? Are you trying to imply something? You think my dog is having sex with my mail carrier? Say, you look A-LOT like my mail carrier, Guido! What the HELL are you trying to tell me??
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Dude. This is like a magic box. I push this lumpy thingamabobber with the the two buttons, and push on this box, and then when I type letters, they actually appear. Maybe people are reading what I'm typing RIGHT THIS INSTANT. Oh dude, if you hold down these capslock button, all the letter go big print. That's practically awesome. I don't get this site ... there are three floating heads, one has a big ass 'fro and types in blue. One who seems to be a drunk monkey, and another who thinks he's an alien president. I mean, dude, we all know it's Bush. Why? Because I voted for Bush. That's right, I did, I voted for Bush, and I don't regret it. The economy will grow, and it'll be even better than the Reagan administration. I really wanted that other dude. Ummm, you know ,the one with no hair ... Strom Thurmond! That's it but he wasn't running this year. Well, enough of that. I'll just click this little button below and remove the evidence that I was ever at this site...
Tahmeekah Lahsheekah
You can't remove the evidence, Tahmeekah. It's the Internet. We know all about you now. It's interesting that you would lie about you voting for President Elect Bush, but that's not really important now, is it? The REAL issue here is exactly how much money you are going to pay us once the truth comes out & Jason is inaugurated? I mean, Jason's policies on total devotion are pretty strict. It's gonna take alot of dough to get off of that labor list of his. I'm just trying to keep you focused, that's all.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Wait, wait, wait, question? Well, I suppose if I have too... What the hell is this thing I'm looking at? My great granddaughter keeps on telling me it's a screen, but I think Satan made her nuts.
Oh, you weren't finished yet.
 

I need a wife.  I wanna marry the monkey. 
The Jester
Get in line, pal. 
- Simian -